News That’ll Make Your Chonies Rip Right Off: New Kids, Paula Abdul And Boyz II Men Are Going On Tour Together
Us old whores better double up on our blood pressure medication, because this news may cause a vessel to burst.
Eight years ago, grown women and gays screamed chunks of their lungs out when New Kids on the Block announced that they were reuniting and going on tour. They’ve been touring ever since and because they still have mortgages to pay off, they’re doing another giant summer tour and this time they’re bringing Paula Abdul and Boyz II Men with them. My little gay self who stood in line at a damn Wherehouse Music to get Paula Abdul concert tickets and then got shut out is commanding my grown gay self to hit the X on this browser tab and immediately go on over to Ticketmaster dot fucking com.
Barbara Walters announced today that all those rumors are true and magical autism-curer and a proud graduate of UDKS (U Don’t Know Shit) School of Medicine Dr. Jenny McCarthy will have a seat in Joy Behar’s old chair when The View starts their new season in September. Since Elisabeth Hasselcrack has been beamed up to the mothership, The View needs a shrieking blonde crazy to break the last nerve of viewers and Jenny McCarthy is just the crazy bitch to do it. Jenny spewed out this statement right after Barbara announced that she’s joining the table of fuckery:
“I’m beyond thrilled to be joining Barbara and the other amazing women at the table. I’d like to thank ABC for this great opportunity. I’d also like to give a big thank you to VH1 for their support and for allowing me to fulfill this lifelong dream. I look forward to helping make hot topics a little bit hotter, and showing my mom that my interrupting skills have finally paid off.”
And Jenny went on to say, “And I’m thankful to ABC for giving me another national platform for me to rage against anti-vaccinations, because the Jenny McCarthy Body Count counter hasn’t been moving fast enough.”
In other Jenny news, People and UsWeekly reported over the weekend that Jenny is bumping wet parts with Donnie Wahlberg. (That’s your 9-year-old self’s [and my current self’s] cue to rip all the NKOTB posters off your wall and cry into the torn pieces as you fall into a sad puddle of betrayal on the floor.) Donnie was on Jenny’s Vh1 talk show in March and during their interview, they pretty much sucked on each other’s fuck parts with their eyes. While Jenny and Donnie sucked on lollipops, they talked about dirty sex talk:
Jenny: Do you talk dirty while you’re having sex?
Donnie: I do.
Jenny: You do – but some guys do it wrong.
Donnie: Yeah, I don’t do it wrong.
Donnie was probably really disappointed when he found out that Jenny’s idea of talking “dirty” while humping goes something like this, “Poke me where no vaccination needle has ever poked me before!”
And here’s Donnie’s new piece with her son Evan at LAX yesterday.
Not since the Sharks fan kicked the Jets down has there been a gang story as hard as this one. Aaron Carter let all of us know that wearing an Aaron Carter t-shirt in Boston is like wearing red in Crips territory. You’re going to get beat. (Actually, wearing an Aaron Carter t-shirt anywhere is going to get you beat, but wearing one in Boston will really get you beat.)
Aaron Carter posted a picture on his Instagram this past weekend of him with a busted eye and he says that he got it from four hardcore NKOTB fans who didn’t like him being in Boston. Aaron was in Boston over the weekend to play a show on Sunday night and he says that as he was leaving a restaurant on Saturday night, a grown dude came at him in the parking lot and said the most threatening words that have ever been said, “I heard you’re doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids.“A Chevy Malibu then pulled up (A CHEVY MALIBU!) and three other dudes jumped out. They popped the collars on their acid wash denim vests and chanted at Aaron, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Everybody’s always talkin’ ’bout who’s on top! Don’t cross our path, ’cause you’re gonna get stomped!” Then they knocked him out by doing the Hangin’ Touch dance in unison. At least, that’s how I picture it happening.
Aaron tells TMZ that as soon as the three other New Kids fans, who were all grown men, jumped out of the Chevy Malibu, they whooped his trick ass. Aaron said, “I think my knuckles might be broken, but that’s what they get. People think I’m a pretty little white boy but no way. I think I won. I’m still standing.”
Aaron performed in Boston anyway, because he’s hard like that. Aaron says he didn’t file a police report because that’s “girlie.” That’s right! Real men run to their hotel rooms and upload pictures of their bruises on Instagram.
I LOVE THIS STORY. If this story had a b-hole, I’d bone it. Who cares if Aaron made this entire story up and he probably got those bruises in a meth deal gone wrong. Who cares if that black eye probably came from a meth dealer who didn’t appreciate Aaron asking, “Uh, can I suck yo dick for a gram?” Who cares! Aaron Carter makes up the best stories.
“This is the town of New Kids” is the most badass line I’ve ever heard.
New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys got into a recording studio together and birthed out their new single called “Don’t Turn Out The Lights.” If you’re too young or too old to orgasm out your 6th grade self who will run around the room freaking out about this, then you can at least memorize their new joint group name: NKOTBSB. That will definitely be the fourth line on your next eye exam test.
New Kids on the Backstreet Boys sounds like the name of a gay parody porn from 1999 that I would’ve spent 197 hours trying to download off of Napster thanks to my dial-up internet connection always getting interrupted by stupid ass phone calls! So last night was the American Music Awards and I still can’t believe I watched the whole thing in its entirety. It felt like I was the only sober bitch at a rave circa 2000.
Enrique Iglesias tried to stroke out my endorphins with a glow stick light show, but it did nothing for me. The Black Eyed Peas (who make me want to give myself a damn black eye) tried to take my hand and lead me to the speaker so that I could put my ear to it and feel the bass hump my senses, but I left them hanging. And EVERYONE tried to get me to skip under a confetti money shot, but I couldn’t even bother to get up. And seriously, what the hell was up with those confetti canons?! Is it necessary to bust out a confetti canon AFTER EVERY SINGLE PERFORMANCE?! A confetti canon is like a hard dick, after popping out its 10th load of the night on top your head, you start to think yourself, “When is it going to stop, because I really need to go and watch the Pawn Stars marathon.” The only time I felt that the confetti canon CAME WITH FEELING was during the best performance of the night: NKOTBSB! And that’s the only time I dropped E and started to feel the roll.
Seriously, when that line-up of hot old bitches grabbed at their crotches at the same time, every 30-something’s panties blew off. Yup, that’s why your panties ripped themselves off last night. And there you were thinking that your daily kegel exercises simply made your queefs stronger. Nope, it was the all-mighty simultaneous thrust of NKOTBSB! Staple your panties down to your desk and relive it all over again!
The NKOTB – Wait, before we start. I can never type out New Kids on the Block without laughing my gay ass off. They are some old ass looking New Kids. Hot as fuck, but old.
Ok, moving on. The NKOTB reunion just got sexier. People reports that they will record a song with New Edition. Fuck yes! The only way this could be better is if it was a group track featuring Sweet Sensation, Seduction, Expose, The Cover Girls, Stevie B, Lisa Lisa, Pebbles and the Jets. Only in my gay ass dreams.
The song is called “Full Service.” One of the song’s producers said, “Donnie Wahlberg had this idea for a few months, since New Kids had the idea of getting back together really. Donnie’s been looking for that one track for all of them and I think we found it.” The song will be featured on NKOTB’s new album.
They better do a mash-up of “Cover Girl” and “Candy Girl” for the B-side. Candy Girl just makes you want to put on terry cloth coochie cutters and roller skate around the neighborhood with a lollipop in your mouth. If I did that in my neighborhood, I would be shanked in the gonads before ever leaving my front door.