Tom Brady was probably clapping with two hands all giddy-like this morning, because Gisele Bundchen served him a very special victory cheat meal of organic, gluten-free, sugar-free, carb-free wheatgrass pancakes lightly sweetened with a hummingbird whisper for being a very good boy and winning his sixth Super Bowl. But while Tommy B and the other Patriots are happy about the game, many aren’t, because it was apparently as dull and lifeless as Tom Brady’s dead eyes. And a boring Super Bowl game got a just-as-boring halftime show that not even a pair of sweaty man nipples could save. You know you’ve redefined boring when even my hard-up-for-man-nipples slut ass doesn’t get even the slightest tingle in the loins over the sight of man nipples.
I have a shameful admission to make: I watched my first full episode of Friends only about a year ago (and it’s not because we didn’t have Friends in Canada or anything weird like that). I watched all 236 episodes in succession, and there were several things that stood out. Namely, Jennifer Aniston’s nipples.
Vogue recently spoke to Jennifer Aniston about her upcoming TV show with Reese Witherspoon, which led them to talking about her first big TV role. And that segued into Jen’s status as the accidental godmother of the #FreeTheNipple movement.
I thought my day was made and I reached for the economy-sized jug of lube when I read the headline this morning about a Hemsworth being in tiny shorts. And then I pushed the economy-sized jug of lube away after realizing it was just Liam Hemsworth and I wasn’t going to get a picture of Thor’s mighty ass muscles putting the seams of shorty shorts to the test. Oh well, I’ll still take it.
So, like a mysterious rash on my ass, I’ve been avoiding addressing this shit, but it’s time. Starting right now, I’m taking a semi-sabbatical (I almost wrote “slutbatical” but that makes it sounds like I’m taking a break from being a slut) from writing on Dlisted for the rest of the summer to deal with health stuff, recharge my mushed-up brains and to write my 3,000 page unauthorized Phoebe Price biography (I wish). And yes, I can feel my mom rolling her eyes while saying, “Health stuff? Pfft, I made your lunch while dropping you off at school on my way to work after 45 minutes of sleep and coughing up pieces of my lungs because I had pneumonia!”
The Weeknd’s tour is in NYC right now, and after he played Barclays in Brooklyn last night, he and his current pap stroll partner, Selena Gomez, went to a restaurant called Carbone where she delivered rhinestone-embedded demureness and he didn’t even try. The Weeknd wore the outfit that 7 out 10 eighth grade boys in my school and I bet he spent most of the night scrawling anarchy symbols onto a paper bag book cover. Selena, on the other hand, gave us glamour and she looks like she’s about to work the floor of a strip club and ask the men if they’d like a dance. That see-through dress is a champagne room-summoning work of elegance.
A source tells E! News that The Weeknd and Selena acted romantic, or whatever, all night, and that when she walked into the room, the men all paused and neck muscles nearly snapped.
A source dished some details about the couple’s evening and couldn’t help but comment on Gomez’s style, noting that “what she was wearing turned heads when she walked in and out.”
While heads turned in that restaurant, the head of Selena’s ex, Justin Bieber, probably dropped down in sadness. Seeing the nipples of his ex-au pair/wet nurse made him think of happier times when he’d cuddle up to her and chupa on her nip in between getting burped by her. Those were the days.
There will be some of you who think this is a picture of Serena Williams at Wimbledon. Others who have no idea what tennis is might think it’s a picture of a lady in a white turtleneck dress holding an invisible Shake Weight. But for some people on the internet, all they see is nipples. NIPPLES! So many nipples! Shield your eyes! Get the kids out of the room! NSFW!!!
According to The Daily Mail, some people watching Serena’s recent semi-finals match at home were having a really difficult time because their eyes kept getting distracted by Serena’s nipples. I’m sure this is where you’re wondering “Distracting, how?” Like, were they yelling shit out on the court? Were they constantly winking at the ball boy? Were they Snapchatting every play and using the doggy face filter on the ref? No. They were just there, in high definition on people’s televisions. And it got them so upset, they took to Twitter to complain. “Should I fill them in on the irony of complaining about nipples on a platform in which the mascot belongs to a species that includes the Booby and the Tit?” thought the Twitter bird.
The Daily Mail has compiled a collection of tweets about Serena Williams’ nipples, and in their words, people are “outraged.” But they’re pretty much what you’d expect from online Nipple Haters. Stuff like “Pls put them away” and “Serena Williams’ nipples are literally in HD.” Yes, believe it, that last one was a complaint.
In case you care more about Serena Williams than her nipples, she recently advanced to the finals. If she wins, it will be her sixth Wimbledon win.
To paraphrase Tommy Lee Jones, I cannot sanction this buffoonery. Nipples are like built-in flare; they have the ability to bring a certain je ne sais quoi to any ensemble. But what if you don’t want your nipples out there? Too damn bad, nipples are unpredictable! If a nipple wants to pop out and say “haaaay!” to everyone, they’re going to do it and no amount of fabric will stop them. Nipples are the no-fucks-given grandma of the human body. You can’t fight them, they’re going to do whatever they want!
After RiRi released that goddamn “Work Work Work Work Workworkwrowkrowrkwrok” song that hasn’t left my head at all and put her entire album ANTI on Tidal for free, her Wednesday and Saturday matinee understudy Rita Ora tried to snatch the spotlight from her by busting out some bare nipple action on the cover of a French magazine. I would slow clap for Rita Ora’s spotlight-stealing game, but I can’t since RiRi put her oiled-up nipple knobs on the cover of the same magazine in 2014. I guess this means that in a few months RitRit is going to release her new single Job and a few days later she’ll release her entire album Against for free on the new streaming music site Low-Tide.
The Great Value Rihanna flashed her chichi bags in front of Uncle Terry’s camera for the French titty magazine Lui (which for this issue, is French for “LOOK AT MEEEE!“). I was going to say that we’re all waiting for Miley Cyrus’ move, but she’s done this and a whole lot more in front of Brian Peppers’ idol. The only way Rita could’ve topped Miley is if she spread eagle and made us all say, “Oh, so that’s what Rita Ora’s cervix looks like.” I’m sure Miley will do that in front of Uncle Terry’s camera next week.
Rita Ora’s de-Terry’d titties are after the cut: