Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated model Nina Agdal turned 25 on March 26, 2017. And 25 is usually the expiration date for Leonardo’s girlfriends. So I’m sure Nina was starting to get that old lady smell about her and 42-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio just had to toss her before he really got grossed out from seeing a wrinkle on her face or from watching her spend an hour trying to open a Werther’s Original. I mean, Leo’s no granny fucker!
The last time we checked in on the skinny revolving door that is Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating life, Jack Nicholson Jr. was supposedly getting with bikini model Nina Agdal. Nina got to tag along with Leo and his life intern, Lukas Haas, on a trip to Mexico a few weeks ago. Well, it sounds like another blonde bikini model walked a little too close to Leo and got caught in his gravitational manwhore pull.
The world is crumbling down and there’s uncertainty all around us, but at least some things to stay the same, like Leonardo DiCatchAHo stays putting his mouth on the face of a 20-something blond Victoria’s Secret model.
41-year-old Leonardo and 24-year-old Dutch model Nina Agdal reportedly bumped down-low parts a couple of years ago, but proving that he’s the greatest environmentalist of our time, he recycled by hanging out with her again in May. Since then, they were seen together in Montauk, NY and they vacationed together in the Bahamas. And today The Daily Mail posted EXCLUSIVO pictures of Leo either kissing Nina’s face or giving her CPR after she passed out due to boredom from listening to him talk about his soulmate (Oscar) in detail again while hanging out in Malibu, CA yesterday.
— YEGOB (@Yegobdotcom) July 15, 2016
Some source tells E! News that they’re definitely a thing, but Nina’s heart is still raw and fragile from her last break-up and she hopes that Leo won’t hurt her:
“They are dating. She really likes him and hopes she doesn’t get hurt. They have great chemistry and laugh a lot. She just got out of a very serious relationship so she is just trying to not rush into anything to serious this summer but when Nina falls for a guy, she really falls.”
Nina really has nothing to worry about! I’m sure that Leonardo will never do her wrong and they’ll get married, have children and in 40 years, the paparazzi will be taking pictures of him kissing her on the beach in Malibu as their grandchildren play around them. Or as soon as Leonardo sees a wrinkle growing on Nina’s face, he’ll do the gentlemanly thing and give her 1 hour to move her shit out of his house while he calls Victoria’s Secret to tell them to send over a new one. Either or!
Leonardo DiCaprio, seen above trying his best to sneak out of a club incognito (sorry Leo, but that scraggly bro beard will always give you away), was out with a few ladies in New York last night. One of them was Leo’s current favorite party friend, Rihanna. The other was a blonde model (shocking, I know), but it wasn’t the blonde model named Ela Kawalec that he was supposedly doing as of last week, and it wasn’t the blonde named Roxy Horner that he was allegedly doing last month. It was actually a blast from Leo’s nut-busting past, Nina Agdal.
Nobody knows if it was on purpose or by accident that Leonardo was at the same club with RiRi and Nina. TMZ says they were all there at the same time, which means there’s a chance RiRi and Nina were the only ones who were kind enough to show up after receiving a mass text that said: “Yo, boo boos, who wants 2 get drunk with their Oscar-winning friend Leo!?” Then again, it could all be a coincidence that he was seen at the same club as Nina Agdal. Considering just how many model vaginas Leo’s penis has been inside, his chances of being at the same club as a model he’s already had sex with are probably pretty high.
I know people recently started to doubt Leo’s commitment to saving the earth after it was revealed that he had taken a private jet to accept an environmental award. But he’s obviously extremely dedicated to a green lifestyle since it appears that he might be recycling models. And I bet that if they were actually at the club together and she did end up back at his place, Leo would have sent her home the next morning in a zero-emissions rickshaw pulled by Lukas Haas. So there!
Here’s more of Leo, Nina, and RiRi leaving the club at different times last night. I wish I could tell you why Rihanna is wearing the contents of a yard sale put on by a grandmother and her grandson, but I don’t have an answer for that.
No, you’re not looking at Courtney Stodden’s long-lost half-human, half-whatever-they-make-cheap-dildos-out-of sister; it’s actually the Queen of Halloween herself, Heidi Klum! Heidi Klum’s annual Halloween party happened last night, and obviously Heidi is the only reason to care about that shit. As you probably already know, Heidi Klum loves Halloween. And this year, she decided to define terrifying by rolling up to her Halloween party as a humanized version of Jessica Rabbit.
Heidi posted a bunch of pictures on her Instagram showing her transformation from “Auf Wiedersehen” to “Leiber Gott, meine Augen!” (that’s “Dear God, my eyes!” in German). And basically, all it took was just a shitload of latex. Every part of Heidi is plastic: her lips, her tits, her ass, her ears, her eyes. Heidi Klum got the Heidi Montag special. It’s not so much Jessica Rabbit as it is what you’d get if Jessica Rabbit divorced Roger Rabbit’s annoying ass, but he missed her so much he had a Jessica Rabbit latex mask made and asked every trick he met on Toontown tinder to wear it while they had sex, but he accidentally left it face side down on the radiator beside a pile of purple condoms and it melted. It’s still 10000% more effort than most people put into their Halloween costumes though, so it gets a thumbs up from me.
With all that being said, you know Kim Kardashian just texted this picture of Heidi Klum to all her sisters with the words “Gorgeous, right? So natural. Trying to find out the name of her surgeon right now.”
Here’s more of Heidi Rabbit last night, as well as all the other famous people at her party, including Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart dressed as Marc Anthony, Emily Ratajowski as Marge Simpson, and Shanina Shaik as “Pour It Up” Rihanna (which is Slutoween commitment, considering it was cold as HELL last night).
For the first time in three whole years, Kate Upton’s gigantic Rocky Mountain titties didn’t make the cover of Sports Illustrated: Fap Edition, but she’s there in spirit. Because if you put all those butts together, you’d have half of one of Kate’s tits. And if look you in the water and squint, you can sort of make out the silhouette of Kate Upton as she puts her hands around Chrissy Teigen’s ankles so she can pull that ho down and take her place.
Last night, hundreds of thousands of sons screamed, “Leave me alone! I’m just giving my Whoopee Cushion a sponge bath,” from their basement bedrooms when their moms asked them what that sound was. That was the sound of their sons becoming men while spending some quality time with a bottle of Jergens lotion and the new cover of Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition. Nina Agdal, Lily Aldridge, Chrissy Teigen and their ass cheeks all made the cover together. I know Leonardo DiCaprio is more of a Victoria’s Secret kind of ho, but he should still be ashamed of himself and step up his game. As far as we know, he’s only humped one out of the three.
I’m sure the boners of straight dudes will disagree with me, but the cover isn’t anything special and it’s kind of awkward. If this was the cover of Scoliosis Quarterly: Swimsuit Edition, they would’ve nailed! But it’s kind of whatever, especially for the 50th anniversary issue. SI should’ve gone big and really done up the cover. They should’ve given us a real classic beauty for the ages. They should’ve given us something truly pucker-worthy like this:
But if they did that, the issue would’ve sold out in seconds and millions of people would’ve looted the printing factory looking for more copies.
And to answer your question, no, I did not get my PhD in Photoshop from MCU (Mariah Carey University). Surprising, I know.