Category: Night Crumbs

Night Crumbs

January 17, 2019 / Posted by:

People’s sources want you to know that Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez’s spouses knew all about them fucking months before we did and it was worked out then. In between running one of the biggest companies in the world, humping on his side piece-turned-main piece, and trying to destroy Superman, it’s amazing how Jeff Bezos actually has time to call into People as a “source” – Celebitchy

Bradley Cooper’s forehead is looking Botox fresh, which would make sense, because I don’t think he wants us to see him make a frown face every time he loses Best Actor at another awards show this season – Lainey  Gossip

Lucy Hale is working the current uniform of Los Angeles, which is “receptionist at a forklift supplier coming into work in the morning”Popoholic

Gregg Araki’s new TV show is either going to be bad in a good way or bad in a bad way – Towleroad

The name “Jayde Nicole” is not one I thought I’d read in 2019, but here we are – (NSFWish) Drunken Stepfather

I want to know more about this negotiation between R. Kelly and Dave Chappelle’s goons – Pajiba

Seeing as though Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright from Vanderump Rules are probably only going to be married for a whole 15 minutes, and California law states that anything made during the marriage is split 50/50, I don’t think it’s a big deal that they’re not getting a prenup – Reality Tea

Because of those glasses and that stache, Zac Efron is giving me unauthorized George Michael Ken doll – OMG Blog

So which Monopoly token is Kevin Hart going to play? – Just Jared

Kellogg’s should be arrested for scamming us by selling a Peeps cereal that looks nothing like Peeps – SOW



Night Crumbs

January 16, 2019 / Posted by:

Just when I thought that the Hathahate era was dead and buried, Anne Hathaway just had to bring it back by taking on the role of the Grand High Witch (aka the role that will forever belong to Anjelica Huston and Anjelica Huston ALONE) in a butchering of the classic The Witches. You know, I need to stop, because Anne Hathaway is perfect for this since she already proved she can terrorize the masses during her Les Miserables Oscar campaign – The A.V. Club

Because Anna Wintour loves to torture the people through the cover of Vogue, she might put Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin on the cover – Lainey Gossip 

Since Disney just has to do a live-action version of all of their cartoon movies, they’re doing a live-action Hunchback of Notre Dame. And once they’ve done live-action versions of all of their cartoon movies, they’re going to do cartoon remakes of their live-action versions, and then they’re going to do live-action versions of the cartoon remakes of their live-action versions, and then humanity will end from brains combusting – Pajiba

Emmy Rossum is serving “French Canadian pop singer on the cover of her debut album in 1991” glamour – Popoholic

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I am afraid of all these goddamn Ghostbusters reboots – Just Jared

Those greedy Marvel executives better save all their money, because Super Bitch is finally here to put them out of business by starring in his own movie – Towleroad

Jabba the Trump will call “Stuve Carrol” a has-been in 3..2.. – SOW

“Welcome to the Dickies Bar & Grill, I’m Madison, and I’ll be your server tonight” – Drunken Stepfather

If Bella Hadid could move her face, she’d probably throw a hate face at her mom’s rant about the toxicity of Botox and shit – Reality Tea

I’m on Team Nobody (okay, maybe I’m a little on Team Al Roker since he sharted in the White House once) – Celebitchy

Pic: Warner Bros.


Night Crumbs

January 15, 2019 / Posted by:

The teaser trailer for Spider-Man: Far From Home is out, and it shows Jake Gyllenhaal as the villain Mysterio. But please, I’m sure that sometime during a battle, Spider-Man says to Jake, “Stop it, you’re not Mysterio, you’re just Jake Gyllenhaal in an off-brand Thor costume.” – Lainey Gossip

“Lily! Lily! Pose like you’ve got a ladybug on your nose and you don’t want it to fly away so you’re keeping real still!” – the photographers to Lily-Rose DeppDrunken Stepfather

Anya Taylor-Joy is giving us 60s karate WTFness – Popoholic

If you haven’t already, watch the ad that’s got some dudes mad for no reason. You know, I need new razors and razors are expensive, so I should go on a stroll tonight and pick up the Gillette razors the OUTRAGED bros threw out – Towleroad

I bet Sarah Paulson would never be scared of Julia Roberts’ reverse-aging holes – Pajiba

Vanessa Hudgens must be wearing some strawberry Lip Smackers and that’s why she looks like she’s orgasming from licking her lips – Hollywood Tuna

The Real Housewives of New Jersey must’ve all said, “Give me the natural look!”, while getting their faces painted at Maaco  – Reality Tea

Okay, but did Chris Pratt ask the Jesus of his church Justin Bieber for permission to marry Katherine Schwarzenegger? – Celebitchy

FYI, your monthly Netflix account will go up a whopping zero dollars and zero cents if you’re a cheap whore who uses your friend’s account – Just Jared

Pic: YouTube


Night Crumbs

January 14, 2019 / Posted by:

The human equivalent of an over-filled Panama City Beach party bus sponsored by Jägermeister, The Gronk, flashed his little Gronk at reporters in the locker room after a game. Warning: The clip is blurrier than my eyesight after doing too many edibles and the dick-flashing lasts all of negative five seconds, so you may end up cursing the silver haired Tim Curry-looking reporter who is blocking your view while sticking your eyeballs to the screen in hopes of getting a clearer view. Keep a spatula (to pry your eyeballs off the screen) nearby, just in case  – OMG Blog

The entire main cast of Steven Spielberg’s West Side Story movie has been announced, and the bad news is that Rita Moreno isn’t playing all the roles like I wanted, but the good news is that Camila Cabello ain’t in it and people who can actually sing were cast – Vulture

Suki Waterhouse and Robert Pattinson are still a thing, and that’s great and everything, and what’s also great is that Kristen Stewart went down to a Goodwill and bought the kid clothes from 1987 I donated – Lainey Gossip 

Let’s please not even joke about Channing Tatum playing He-Man, unless He-Man spontaneously strips down to Pony in front of Castle Grayskull halfway through the movie – Towleroad

Oh, it’s nothing, just Bella Thorne getting sexy with a firetruck… – Drunken Stepfather

In surprising news, more than zero people actually went to see The Upside (working title: Does Nicole Kidman Really Need A Check This Bad?) this past weekend – Pajiba

My first guess was Scarlett Johansson, but then I scratched that, because this little girl doesn’t look Asian at all – SOW

Here’s Julianne Hough giving us something out of a G-rated, no-budget community theater production of Showgirls: The MusicalHollywood Tuna

As Cookie Dookie cackles with glee…. – Reality Tea

Never mind about that Dirty John lady, tell me more about that second coming of STAINS! –  Celebitchy

Pic: Instagram


Night Crumbs

January 11, 2019 / Posted by:

Fresh off from getting treatment, Selena Gomez hung out with Taylor Swift and Pete Davidson’s pre-Ariana Grande ex Cazzie David. How many times do you think they crank called Pete before toilet papering his mom’s house? Poor Pete’s mom, probably spent her entire day trying to scrape dried egg yolk off of her front door – Lainey Gossip

Lisa Rinna’s kid is giving me “sloth in a coma” facial expressions, but she’s gonna have to give me “sloth in a grave” facial expressions if she wants to take down Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid as the nepotism model of choice – Drunken Stepfather

Since 99.9999% of the TV shows out there are made by Netflix, it looks like zero filming will go down in North Carolina until they quit it with the transphobic shit – Towleroad

Margot Robbie is giving you Bag Lady Barbie at a 60s rave – Popoholic

Can you smell what future presidential candidate The Rock is cooking? (SPOILER ALERT: It’s charbroiled snowflake) – Pajiba (UPDATE: The Rock says the interview was 100% fake and those words never came out of his mouth, and it’s not his style to slam a group of people like that. I should’ve known, because it came from The Daily Star AND The Rock is way too good at the PR game to fuck with his money like that.)

Presenting: Pooping While Bored – Hollywood Tuna 

Methinks Jessica Simpson is carrying another baby in her ankle – Just Jared

It looks like the relationship of Larissa and Colt from 90 Day Fiancé is as healthy and loving as ever – Reality Tea

Um, Jillian Michaels is late to the game. Doesn’t she know that Keto is OVER and it’s all about the Bible fast? – Celebitchy

Pic: Instagram


Night Crumbs

January 10, 2019 / Posted by:

Leonardo DiCatchAHo and his 22-year-old girlfriend Camila Morrone have been together for over a year, and he recently took her to Thailand where he filmed The Beach twenty years ago when she was too young to know what a Leonardo DiCaprio is. Since he’s been with the same piece for a year (which is 25 years in DiCatchAHo years), he probably remembers her name, which means that he no longer has to whisper into Lukas Haas’ ear, “What’s this one’s name again?” One less thing the Pussy Posse second-in-command has to worry about! – Lainey Gossip

Lily-Rose Depp looks like a fetus Bonnie Parker after the Ambien kicked in – Drunken Stepfather

Hello, welcome to Cache, and welcome to the year 1991, I’m Emmanuelle Chriqui and I’m the manager here. How can I help you?”Popoholic

And for his next trick, Jake Gyllenhaal will play a buff Fred Armisen-looking art snob who tries to not get murdered by killer paintings – Pajiba

It’s the herp! It’s chlamydia! No, it’s Super Gonorrhea! – Towleroad

So, Chris Pratt’s dad bad stomach is my stomach after I intermittent fast for four weeks, do crunches every day, and quit carbs. Good to know – OMG Blog

“Give the same look people give while watching your shitty catwalk!” – the photographer to Kendall JennerHollywood Tuna

Lindsay Lohan says she’s never fucked Jax from Vanderpump Rules, which means she most likely fucked Jax from Vanderpump RulesReality Tea 

Zac Efron Lite has let the people know that he’s been engaged to his man for a year – Just Jared

Jennifer Garner is ready to see if “third time’s a charm” when it comes to her being married – Celebitchy

Pic: Backgrid


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