Halsey is one of the music industry’s most frequent red carpet messes, so it’s not a surprise that she would show up to the Billboard Music Awards last night in an outfit that says: “Book my stylist the next appointment at the nearest Pearle Vision.”
That bra is all kinds of tragic. It’s both too big and too small, like some kind of physics-defying underwire nightmare. If that bra could talk, it would beg Halsey to leave it at home and take a set of nipple pasties instead. On the upside, it is nice to see that someone finally purchased the most discounted bra from the clearance section of Ross. But don’t cry for Halsey’s bra. I see a bright future for it. I bet an agent has already signed it to appear as the uncomfortable before bra in an Ahh Bra infomercial.
When you drag your living carcass out of bed tomorrow morning, before you do anything, go to the mirror and say, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” I’d bet my weekly weed budget that your half-asleep, out-of-it ass would say that line with more enthusiasm and charisma than TV Johnny Castle does in the first trailer for the Dirty Dancing remake we really don’t need. If Baby being put in a corner is dependent on Johnny’s delivery of that line, then Baby better forward all her mail to “A Corner” because she’s going to stay there permanently.
A couple of weeks after ABC dribbled out dreadful stills from their Dirty Dancing remake, they’ve released a 30-second teaser trailer and survey says: MESS! This looks like a Dirty Dancing tribute done by the cast of a knock-off Glee TV show that airs on Freeform. Abigail Breslin (who is 21 in real life) looks like she’s barely in junior high school here and Colt Prattes (who is 30 in real life) looks much older than her. So when he asks Baby, who looks like a baby, what her name is, I expected Chris Hansen to jazz walk out and tell Johnny Castle to have a seat in the chair over there.
— Debra Messing (@DebraMessing) April 24, 2017
And I have a feeling that there’s going to be gale force winds on the night of May 24th. Because the makers of Dirty Dancing 2, the Dirty Dancing reality show and the Dirty Dancing TV series are all going to breathe out a giant sigh of relief since they’ll no longer be the ones responsible for the worst butchering of Dirty Dancing in history.
No, that isn’t a picture of your uncoordinated cousin recreating the Dirty Dancing lift for her engagement announcement on Facebook. That’s a picture from a professional production of Dirty Dancing, and it sums it all up, pretty much.
If you buried the gross, hurtful memory of ABC’s remake of Dirty Dancing and forgot about it, then I apologize for bringing it back up with these pictures that came out yesterday. I bet that right after ABC released stills from their Dirty Dancing remake, every TV critic started pre-writing their review and they’re first line is: I DIDN’T have the time of my life.
ABC’s Dirty Dancing stars Abigail Breslin (as Baby), dancer/Instagram THOT Colt Prattes (as Johnny Castle), Debra Messing (as Baby’s mom), Bruce Greenwood (as Baby’s daddy), Sarah Hyland (as Baby’s sister) and Nicole Scherzinger (as Penny). It’ll splatter onto TV screens on May 24. I know the phrase “this is a Dollar Tree version of” is overused (and mostly by me), but this looks worse than a Dollar Tree version of Dirty Dancing. It’s like the head bitches at ABC thought, “I know what our viewers want! An exact remake of Dirty Dancing but cheaper-looking and shitty!”
These stills looking like they’re from an unauthorized Dirty Dancing remake called Filthy Moves that’s sold exclusively on subway platforms. I know that Baby isn’t exactly the definition of glamour, but in every picture, Abigail Breslin looks like she just rolled out of bed, where she’s been for the past 3 weeks while sick with a serious case of the flu.
The only thing that can save this blasphemous DD remake is Katey Sagal as the hot cougar who gets revenge on Johnny for choosing Baby over her. See. This DD remake already doesn’t make sense. Who would choose Baby over this pure hotness?
And Johnny Castle looks like he just got back from playing Danny Zuko in a community theater production of Grease. Oh well, at least Patrick Swayze is getting in some cardio from rolling so much.
Pictured: Nicole Scherzinger making the same disgusted stank face that all of us made while reading the cast list for the Dirty Dancing remake that need not exist.
ABC decided to join the rest of Hollywood in taking a machete to your childhood and the classics when it gave the thumbs up to a completely unnecessary Dirty Dancing musical movie starring Little Miss Sunshine as Baby, this pillar of chiseled hotness as Johnny Castle, Debra Messing as Baby’s mom, Bruce Greenwood as Baby’s dad, Sarah Hyland as Baby’s sister, Billy Dee Williams as Tito Suarez, Casper Not-So-Smart as Billy, Katey Sagal as Vivian Pressman, Shane Harper as Robbie and low-rent Apollonia Nicole Scherzinger as Penny.
Penny, played by Cynthia Rhodes in the only Dirty Dancing movie we need, gets knocked up with that slut Robbie’s baby and gets an abortion. Nicole tells The Daily Mail that she’s catholic and that her family is firmly against abortion. So she almost didn’t take the part, because she didn’t want to “promote” abortion. Oh yes, that movie where a woman almost dies after getting a back alley abortion is the pro-abortion propaganda film of our time!
Lately, Jared Leto has been looking like the pure definition of a fashion victim, and at The Fashion Awards 2016 in London last night, he turned it all the way up. If Jared and his stylist were going for “Willy Wonka after getting a bootleg Beatles haircut and dye job and moving to The Valley to become a sleazy porn producer,” they nailed it hard. That Gucci’d out ensemble just screams, “I’m going to make you a STAH, baby, now let’s go back to my place to sign the contracts….” Trick looks like the orgy baby that every character in Boogie Nights made together.
Well, I guess if you’re going to look like Liberace as seen through the eyes of Terry Richardson, a fashion awards show is the place to do it. And Jared Leto, who is becoming a Fighting The Hot Grand Champion, must’ve gotten sick of hos throwing their coochies and assholes at him all the time, so he turned himself into a walking boner killer by getting a janky bowl cut that looks like it was done with safety scissors. That’ll do it!
Here’s a million more pictures from The Fashion Awards. Come for David Gandy (“You can say that again.” – your genitals) and stay for Donatella Versace serving up Solid Gold Muppet sexiness.
Susan Sarandon and Debra Messing can officially stop fighting now, because the random feud baton has been snatched up by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
When the Cats revival opened in London in 2014, Nicole Scherzinger (aka the leader of the Pussycat Dolls and a member of underrated girl group of the aughts Eden’s Crush) played the glamour cat Grizabella. At the time, Sir ALW couldn’t slobber out enough streams of praise over her performance. He said that Nicole’s performance of the show’s biggest song “Memory” was the greatest recording of his music ever, which is saying a lot since the likes of Barbra Streisand, Betty Buckley, his ex-wife Sarah Brightman and Elaine Paige have all recorded his stuff. Sir ALW said that Nicole would bring her Grizabella to Broadway and take NYC by STORM! But well….