I like to think this is what it looks like when Nicole Richie discovers a new tattoo on Joel Madden that she hasn’t seen before. “Oh good lord…is that a death metal Hello Kitty smoking a crack pipe while riding a flying turkey sandwich behind your ear? You know what? I don’t need to hear the story behind that one.”
According to In Touch, the more tolerable half of The Simple Life won’t be staring at the random stickerbook-looking tattoos of Hot Topic’s Peter Pan much longer. A “source” says that Nicole is thinking about ending her 4 year marriage to Joel Madden and has recently met with a divorce attorney. The source goes on to say that they’re starting to spend more and more time apart because they can’t stop fighting about work and how to raise their two kids, 7-year-old Harlow and 5-year-old Sparrow.
“It’s better for everyone right now if they just stay apart because it’s really not working anymore. It’s very obvious to friends that a divorce announcement will probably be happening soon.”
I’m not sure where Joel is staying during all of this, but it’s probably not at his twin brother Benji’s house. Star says things aren’t so great between Benji and his wife of 8 months Cameron Diaz either, which means shit is probably awkward as hell for house guests.
Since Nicole Richie is a low-level member of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goopy Rich Girl Gang, I’m kind of shocked she went to a divorce attorney instead of a conscious uncoupling mediator. “I suppose you also stopped using the diamond-filtered alkalinity water press I gave you” thought Gwyneth, as she wrote Nicole’s name just underneath Madonna’s on her loyalty ranking list.
Here’s Nicole looking like one of The Pink Panther’s used Q-tips a FIT fashion show in NYC yesterday:
Pics: Wenn.com, Splash
Well look who we have here, it’s the seven basic bitches: Skinny, Boozy, Aussie, Goopy, Cougary, Bleachy, and McCartney (you know you’re the definition of basic when your nickname is just your last name).
On Friday night, struggling single mother Gwyneth Paltrow treated herself to a night out with her girlfriends at vegan restaurant Crossroads (once again, I feel the need to mention that it is tragically NOT a Crossroads-themed restaurant). Since it’s scientifically impossible to have a group of seven women get together for a girl’s night without taking a picture of it as proof (try it – I promise you it’s impossible), Gwyneth made sure not to leave without uploading a selfie to Instagram of herself, Nicole Richie, Chelsea Handler, Naomi Watts, Sam Taylor-Wood, Gwen Stefani, and Stella McCartney. Hold on a second, Nicole Richie? Color me a Simple Life-shade of confused. When did they become friends? OH MY GOD, WHO CARES. This group of women is the visual form of chasing 2 Ambien with a mug of Sleepytime tea.
Even though I normally cackle with delight in watching Gwyneth Paltrow try to do normal people things (divorces, hot dogs, etc) I actually really like this picture. I know, book me a room at Calmwood. Whatever filter (or lack of filter) Gwyneth used makes it look like the picture was taken during the middle of a seance held at Castle Goopskull using a broken Polaroid i-Zone, and Gwen Stefani is the first poor soul to be possessed by the malevolent spirit they summoned from hell. It’s like Paranormal Activity 4: Snobby Rich Ladies. It’s terrifying. I love it.
When Nicole Richie appeared at the American Music Awards in November (seen above) I don’t think many of us went “Harpo, who dis skeleton from my high school science class?” but apparently Star Magazine did. They seem to think she’s getting skinny enough for a reunion with Saggy the Blue Bikini, as well as theories on how she’s dropping the weight.
WARNING: IF YOU LOVE CHEESEBURGERS AS IF THEY WERE YOUR OWN CHILDREN, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.
According to Star (via Daily Mail) Nicole has been on a diet that would make even a food-crazy like Gwyneth Paltrow think it’s a bit restrictive (“I enjoy the smell of my farts too much to give up solid foods” – Goopy):
The reality star turned designer has dropped down to 88 pounds, according to Star magazine, which was her weight in 2006 when she memorably showed off a bony frame as she jogged on a beach in a bikini. She has reportedly been living on a diet of sunflower seeds, celery and juices. The LA native also allegedly uses chewing gum to stave off hunger pains.
A source close to Nicole (the skirt from this picture come to life during a Beauty and the Beast-style spell/curse) says she’s totally healthy, not anorexic, and the reports of her binging hard on Ants on a Log – sans ants, sans delicious peanut butter or C-Whiz – are false, so who even knows. Until we get pictures of Nicole at the grocery store with a cart full of water, boxed air, and Model’s Choice Laxatives (“The classy laxative”), I don’t think we should be too concerned.
And I get wanting to lose weight, but you gotta do that shit the healthy way. Sunflower seeds aren’t dinner; they’re a snack meant for baseball games and road trips. And Celery is a gross 3rd tier garnish for a Bloody Mary or Caesar (right under olive and shrimp) or, if you’re desperate, something you use as a makeshift lightsaber when you’re unable to find an old wrapping paper tube or pool noodle.
Here’s Nicole at the American Music Awards. I don’t know about an eating disorder, but by the cut of that dress I can definitely diagnose her as having Miley Cyrus Syndrome.
(Pics via Wenn)
Whenever I see pictures from ~fashun~ events, a cold sense of fear covers my body and a creepier, a cappella version of the Troll Song crawls into my ears, because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are usually there together looking like two giddy, little evil bridge urchins who are about to ask you to solve an unsolvable riddle. But a strange thing happened at the CFDA Fashion Awards in NYC last night. Ashley Olsen was not there!
Did an enchanted forest giant accidentally stomp on Ashley while she was collecting mushrooms to make a potion with? Was she a guest at that red wedding shit? Did Gandalf get her when she was trying to snatch Bilbo Baggins with her fellow goblins? Did her housekeeper once again mistake her for a greasy hairball that fell out of a cat’s mouth and vacuum her up? Whatever the case may be, Ashley Olsen was not there last night. Ashley and MK’s younger sister Elizabeth Olsen showed up in her place and made the face anybody would make if they had to pose next to a Trollsen while dressed like a warlock priest.
Elizabeth Olsen tried, but she just can’t prune as good as her sisters can. What’s really disturbing is that Mary-Kate can prune even when Ashley isn’t next to her. I thought their prune powers were only activated when they were standing next each other? I guess not. We should all be scared by this.
Here’s a few pictures from last night’s CFDA Fashion Awards, which are like the Golden Globes to the Met Gala’s Oscars. In order after the Olsens: Miranda Kerr, Zang Toi (wearing Kanye West’s next stage outfit), Betsey Johnson, Sofia Vergara, Nicole Richie, Ethan Hawke, Michelle Harper (thank the lord a Kardashian wasn’t there or they would’ve fucked that black rod on Michelle’s head), Zachary Quinto, Jessica Chastain, Linda Evangelista, Ireland Baldwin, Karolina Kurkova, Adriana Lima, Juliette Lewis, Jess from Girls (bitch, you ain’t Martha Graham), Rooney Mara and Kerry Washington.
The new chosen one has stepped onto the planet and knocked the halos right off of Brangelina’s twin messiahs, and yet Jessica Simpson’s baby is still baking in a puddle of trans fat in her womb. Beyonce barely had a dollop of anything on her stomach at her 9th month and it really looked like she was growing her baby in her damn wig, and then you’ve got Jessica who is giving us a whole of DAMN at 7 months. My eyes swole up just by looking at her. I bet Jessica doesn’t even walk. Bitch stands really still and lets out a high-powered pregnancy fart that pushes her a few feet. Then she takes a deep breath, stands really still and lets out another high-powered pregnancy fart that pushes her another few feet. Bitch’s got a motor in her ass.
Jessica came out big on Friday night for NBC’s TCA Party where she was there to whore out her new fashion reality show with Nicole Richie. Jessica told reporters that you won’t find her waddling around A Pea in a Pod, because she stays away from maternity clothes, “I buy bigger sizes, which is very important, but I haven’t really gone to maternity clothes because I don’t really love maternity stuff.”
Who needs maternity clothes, anyway? It’s easier just to lay out a black tarp, spray Jessica down with fried chicken grease and then roll her over that tarp with the help of a thousand villagers and the tree trunk of a mighty oak. Then they wrap her up, lift her up with a crane, throw a few pounds of sequins at her BOOM! Instant knocked up glamour! But seriously, Jessica really does look happy, which is more than I can say for the owners of every Korean all-you-can eat barbecue in the L.A. area who had to close up for 9 months after hearing that Jessica swallowing tin trays for two now.
UsWeekly has one picture from a couple of years ago of Nicole Richie’s titty situation looking about as flat as the line that comes on the monitor when a ho hooks Parasite Hilton’s snatch up to an EEG machine, and next to that they have a recent picture of Lionel Richie’s child looking like a twin set of Ziploc bags slipped into her belly button hole and traveled north. Some source claims that Nicole Richie did something she say she’d never do! No, I’m not talking about Nicole going to a hot tub party at Parasite’s house without bringing the melted butter for the soft-shell crotch crabs that float to the surface. I’m talking about getting a silicone injection to her chest.
The source says that Nicole is telling her friends that her chichis looked like two sunny side up microwaved eggs tacked to a cork board thanks to breastfeeding and so she took her nipples higher (or lower, depending on who did the job). The source went on to say, “In the past, she said she wanted a lift, though we never thought she was serious. She’s been open about it to friends. The pregnancies took a toll. She said breast-feeding killed what boobs she did have!”
Maybe Nicole got her chest plumped or maybe BABIES!! and eating more than slivers of dust caused her breast situation to grow. Who knows. But the real lesson here is that eating is nothing but a good thing. It can take you from looking like a Tequila worm that got bit by a zombie to looking good. Like I’ve said before, don’t eat for yourself, eat for your chichis! Or maybe I’m wrong as usual, and Nicole just got a good old-fashioned Bangkok titty slap.