I’ll wait here as you scream at a co-worker or a friend to grab a spatula and pry your parts from your screen. Because I’m sure your coochie or asshole immediately suctioned to your monitor at first sight of Nicolas Cage looking like a Dollar Menu Siegfried or Roy in a blazer from a Walgreens pimp costume and sunglasses bought in a gas station between Los Angeles and Reno.
Nicolas Cage and his girlfriend, Erika Koike, who is giving me Asian Pia Zadora vibes, were papped going to some restaurant in Beverly Hills last night. Since Nic is still watching his finances so his financial situation doesn’t once again become as tragic as his IMDB credits from 2008 to current day, I’m sure he and his child girlfriend both ordered ice water and agreed to share the complimentary bread basket. But I bet the diners around them sent them lobster, caviar, filet mignon (although, Nic probably sent that back since cows don’t fuck in a dignified way according to him), and other opulent food items as a thank you for delivering some protein rich glamour to the restaurant. That was the right thing to do. Because looking like Clarence and Alabama from True Romance after winning a bunch of cash from a Scratchers and spending it all on lip fillers, spray-on beards, and a shopping spree at the Cavalli outlet IS the look.
I know this sounds like some Jim Carrey-style existentialism, but stick with me here, it won’t require as many mental gymnastics as you might think.
Nicolas Cage went to Kazakhstan in character as Nicolas Cage in Kazakhstan. Nobody does Nicky Cage quite like Nicky Cage. According to People:
The actor caused a social sensation during a recent appearance at the 13th Annual Eurasia International Festival in Kazakhstan, where he posed for a photo alongside the country’s first lady, Sara Nazarbayeva, on Sunday.
Cage wore a shirt and tie underneath the traditional garments, which included an ornate fur robe with gold embellishments and a matching fur hat—and paired the look with a stoic expression the internet found priceless.
Motley Crue doesn’t deserve the umlaut over “Crue” when their lead singer is treating women like pull-toys. Vince Neil, 55, has pled guilty to misdemeanor battery in regards to that charming incident last April where he used a woman’s hair as a handy way to yank her ass to the ground.
Billboard reports that he submitted his plea in writing and didn’t appear in court. He has to pay a $1,000 fine, go to something called impulse control counseling, and “stay out of trouble” for six months. “Impulse control counseling” sounds like sort of a minor reprimand for portly lead singers who aren’t recognizing that the heavy metal vomit party ended around the time Nirvana’s Nevermind came out. No word yet on whether or not the victim’s lawsuit against him (she filed in July) has been settled.
At least he hasn’t been legally prohibited from hanging out with the two mega-celebrities he was with at the time of this mess. One of the more eccentric actors in Hollywood, Nicolas Cage, will luckily emerge from this incident unscathed. Nic was inexplicably accompanying Vince on the day in question and Vince was reportedly set off when the victim came up to say she was a fan of Nic and leaving out Vince’s name. It sounds like Vince’s “impulse control” issue might have a lot to do with no one looking to get inside the “Home Sweet Home” in his spandex performin‘ pants anymore.
Remember the time drunk-ass Vince Neil and the amusingly deranged Nicolas Cage were “I love you, man“-ing each other outside of the Aria Hotel in Vegas? If you’ll recall, a woman and her son were delighted to see them and approached the pair for autographs. Allegedly, Vince’s response was to grab her by the hair and violently yank her ass to the ground. Maybe he was embarrassed because he didn’t have a pen?
Kelly Guerrero is the alleged victim and she filed a suit against the Motley Crüe lead singer in federal court in Nevada on Thursday. She’s seeking damages of more than $75,000 and claiming that she was severely injured and in need of psychotherapy after the incident. The Wrap obtained a copy of the suit, and reports that the now assuredly former Motley Crüe fan says that she suffered “back sprain or strain, neck sprain or strain and sacral contusion” as well as a fractured coccyx and “a severe left hip injury.” The suit also claims that when Sailor Ripley released Vince after restraining him for attacking Guerrero, he went after another woman. Victim #2 reportedly ran out of the hotel to escape him. I would have run my ass out of the lobby, too.
There are two factors that no one is considering here. The plaintiff’s suit claims that Vince used her hair as bucking bronco reins after she told Nicolas that her son loved him in Ghost Rider and City of Angels. I’m not saying that bad taste in movies should ever result in violence, but if this were The Purge, the film critic in me would sort of get it. The other factor is the part of the suit where it mentions that CARROT TOP was with them. CARROT TOP. How could you be so angry when accompanied by CARROT TOP’s glazed muscularity and bronze-dipped visage? That should inspire a peaceful serenity in all.
By the way, Carrot Top was with Vince and Nicolas, not the mother and son. I would understand why you might think he was now a civilian. Prop comedy is not what it used to be.
Cleanse your soul’s palate after all this talk of violence with some pics of Carrot Top below. They were taken at the premiere of Criss Angel’s Mindfreak Live! show. Why doesn’t Carrot Top have a live show? With whom do I speak about this?
“FINALLY! I got it!”, screamed someone, who back in 2004, bet money that then-40-year-old Nicolas Cage and his then-20-year-old bride Alice Kim would last a little under 12 years.
People says that back in January, Nicolas Cage and his third wife Alice Kim separated the same way he separated from reality eons ago. Neither of them have filed for divorce yet. Nicolas and Alice first met at an L.A. restaurant where she was working as a server. They got engaged two months later, and married at a ranch in Northern California in August 2004. Two years later, Alice birthed out their only kid together, a son, and he became a member of The Fucked-Up Celebrity Baby Name Club when they named him Kal-el Coppola Cage. Kal-el is 10 now.
These two have mostly been low-key, except for the time a drunken Nicolas Cage got put into handcuffs in New Orleans for pushing Alice during a fight in the street and for getting mouthy with the cops.
Nic Cage was married to Patricia Arquette for 5 years, was married to Lisa Marie Presley for about 5 minutes, and he made karate-kicking prince of goth Weston Cage with model Christina Fulton.
Many have said that Nicolas Cage is as broke as his hairline. I mean, he owed (and may still owe) millions to the IRS and he’s had to sell his English castle and many of his weird artifacts to pay them. So what is left for Alice?! The definition of “fuck my life” would be redefined if after 12 years of dealing with a throbbing rocket of crazy, Alice learned that all she’s going to get in the divorce settlement is the femur bone of King Tut’s makeup artist.
And well, now Nicolas Cage is free to be with his real soulmate Vince Neil.
Here’s Nic and Alice throughout the years: