Nicolas Cage has had quite a rough few weeks, even by Nic Cage standards. He got drunk-married in Las Vegas to Erika Koike for a few glorious days, then tried to annul said marriage and now she’s going after him for spousal support. So what does one do when confronted with such a disaster of a few weeks? Well, if you’re Nic Cage you do a rage(y)-scream(y)-karaoke version of Purple Rain. Here comes the second coming of Prince to slap that mic out of Nic’s hand.
In a move that should shock nobody with even the littlest ounce of mental and physical awareness, Nicolas Cage‘s wife of four days, Erika Koike, is going after his money. Yes, they were only married for 96 hours before Nic decided to pull the plug, but those were magical and all the time before that counts and she has become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and now she needs his money to maintain it so there!
As you know, Nicolas Cage got married over the weekend in a messy Las Vegas strip wedding and quickly decided he was not into it and filed for an annulment four days later. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder, Nicolas Cage comes swooping in deciding he wants to pull a 2004 Britney Spears.
It was a bumpy lawn to hoe, but Nicolas Cage and his girlfriend of 3 years, or just under a year (depending who you ask) Erika Koike made it official by getting married at the Bellagio on the Las Vegas Strip on Saturday. According to Daily Mail and multiple eyewitnesses, Nic and Erika’s journey to the altar started out rough with Nic, drunk and belligerent, screaming that Erika’s boyfriend was a drug dealer and insisting he “wasn’t going to do it” down at the Clark County Marriage License Bureau earlier in the day. Nethertheless, they persisted.
Strike up the band (a Kazakhstani death metal band with a Tuvan throat singer as the front man) and check Target for a bridal registry (12 Instapots and a single cheese board in the shape of New Jersey), Nicolas Cage just applied for a marriage and listed his girlfriend of almost a year, Erika Koike, as his intended. If the state of Nevada finds no reason to deny Nic’s request, he and Erika will be free to marry anytime within a year of its issuance. If everything goes to plan, Erika will be free to join the prestigious ranks of Nic’s ex-wives which include a woman who also married Michael Jackson (Lisa Marie Presley), the star of TV’s Medium (Patricia Arquette), and a woman who allowed her child to be named Kal-El (Alice Kim). And she’ll also be able to play grammy to Weston Cage’s brood of baby bats! I’ll put it this way, life doesn’t get less interesting when you marry Nicolas Cage.
I’ll wait here as you scream at a co-worker or a friend to grab a spatula and pry your parts from your screen. Because I’m sure your coochie or asshole immediately suctioned to your monitor at first sight of Nicolas Cage looking like a Dollar Menu Siegfried or Roy in a blazer from a Walgreens pimp costume and sunglasses bought in a gas station between Los Angeles and Reno.
Nicolas Cage and his girlfriend, Erika Koike, who is giving me Asian Pia Zadora vibes, were papped going to some restaurant in Beverly Hills last night. Since Nic is still watching his finances so his financial situation doesn’t once again become as tragic as his IMDB credits from 2008 to current day, I’m sure he and his child girlfriend both ordered ice water and agreed to share the complimentary bread basket. But I bet the diners around them sent them lobster, caviar, filet mignon (although, Nic probably sent that back since cows don’t fuck in a dignified way according to him), and other opulent food items as a thank you for delivering some protein rich glamour to the restaurant. That was the right thing to do. Because looking like Clarence and Alabama from True Romance after winning a bunch of cash from a Scratchers and spending it all on lip fillers, spray-on beards, and a shopping spree at the Cavalli outlet IS the look.