Nicky Hilton Is Nicky Rothschild Now

“Thanks for taking the heat off me for a day or two! I owe you one!” hollered Conrad Hilton to his sister right before she walked down the aisle.

Earlier today, the child of Rick and Kathy Hilton who makes them question their poor parenting choices the least, Nicky Hilton, got married for the second time. UsWeekly says Nicky made it legal with a rich British guy named James Rothschild in a big fat fancy wedding. For real, it was Royal Family fancy. Nicky and James got married at the Orangery in Kensington Palace. Kensington Palace is where Prince William and Duchess Kate live.

Nicky’s fancy rich person wedding wasn’t limited to saying “I do” in front of Prince George’s bedroom window. According to The Daily Mail, Nicky’s dress was a custom-made Valentino gown that cost £50,000 (approx. $77,554 in US monies). That’s a lot of money to look like Grace Kelly meets Lorelei Lee meets reformed rich brat. I know she was going for sophisticated and classy, but part of me secretly hopes her ‘something old’ was a Chick by Nicky Hilton bowling purse.

Of course, Nicky’s older sister and the reason why any of us know who Nicky Hilton is in the first place, Paris Hilton, was a bridesmaid. And she looked totally thrilled!

Poor Paris. Not the center of attention. I’m kidding – I’m sure Paris is happy it’s Nicky getting hitched and not her. Paris has at least two to three dozen more under-30 models to bang before she even considers getting hitched.

Here’s more of Nicky looking like she should be shrunk down and placed on the top of a cake shortly before her wedding to James Rothschild. As well as more pictures of  Paris and Mama Kathy Hilton who looks like Sherri Ann Cabot on Rhapsody in White’s wedding day.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Fauxhemian Hippies Have Descended Upon Coachella

And that, my friends, is the exact face one should make when they’re in the presence of one of Pimp Mama Kris’s Krotch Droppings. “I don’t care how much we paid for admission, we need to leave. Now. Seeing one of the babies means that the mother isn’t far behind.”

Friday marked the kick-off of the world’s largest hipster costume party, the Coachella Jorts and Selfies Festival in Indio, CA, and I guess all those $20,000 cheques cleared, because celebrities have started swarming Coachella like rats to an open dumpster behind KFC. Now, technically Coachella doesn’t officially begin until the arrival of the First Lady of Fauxhemia, Vanessa Hudgens. But since it usually takes her hours, even days, to get ready (it takes time to dry hump the 70s), she usually let’s them go ahead and start without her.

I know we’re less than 24-hours into this weekend-long Urban Outfitters commercial, but already Aaron Paul has won my heart by embracing the true spirit of Coachella. It’s not about $200 custom jorts or having the longest gauzy vest or the widest hat; it’s about dancing like nobody’s watching while rolling hard on shrooms:

Either Aaron Paul is higher than Jesse Pinkman after snorting a pound of blue crystal meth, or he’s working hard for that $15,000. Either way, I’ll be right back: I need to pray to a giant piece of New Age quartz that there’s a video somewhere of Aaron Paul dancing to Ellie Goulding all by himself in a little circle, because I need that in my life.

Here’s more hookers clickety-clacking along the Coachella stroll on Friday, including Selena Gomez (sans King Joffrey Bieber), Marla Hooch and The Model One (that sounds like an 80s cop show: Hooch & The Model) Joe Jonas and his girlfriend Basic Bitch Blanda, a rotten leftover from the refrigerator of 2005 and her sister Nicky Hilton, and Kellan Lutz, who if I had to guess, got paid $200 and a voucher to a taco stand:

Pics: Splash, Wenn

Nobody Wants To Make Out With Kristen Stewart

RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night’s MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn’t do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn’t do it, because he’s not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!

You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad’s guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren’t having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins…

Anyway, here’s a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a “Where’s a strap-on when you really need one?” or “This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!” side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.

Wonks Is Not Wanted In Japan

These three Japanese Wonky McValtrex fans really wanted to meet their icon today. They punched each other in the left eye to bring the wonk out, they filled their crotches with coked up crabs, and they put on a bunch of clothes that nobody over the age of 8-months should wear. Just like Paris! But their “OMGImsoexcitedtocatchanSTDfromParis” faces quickly turned into sad faces when they realized she wasn’t going to show up. Wonky couldn’t greet her fans, because immigration officials stopped her from entering the country. Oh, Japan, keep being magical.

Fox News reports that Wonks was detained for 6 hours today over that whole “getting caught with coke” shit. Before Wonks boarded a private jet to Japan, she pled guilty to coke possession in Las Vegas. Immigration officials in Japan have an issue with that, because any person with a “suspended sentence” is not allowed entry into the country except under special circumstances.

Wonks is in Japan to promote her line of purses (aka coke carriers) with her sister. All of her scheduled appearances have been put on hold until further notice. Wonks and Nicky are staying at an airport hotel until immigration decides to let her in or not.

Why was she there for six hours?! Did it really take that long for the bravest members of Japan’s bomb squad to put on gas masks, grab a vat of holy water and venture into her cunt cavern to make sure she’s not bringing in any bags of coke? Maybe they haven’t made it back yet. Yeah, that’s probably it.

If Japan does the right thing by not letting Paris in, they can officially change their welcome sign from “Welcome to Japan: The Land of Fresh Fuckery” to “Welcome to Japan: A Proud Wonk-Free Zone!!!”

And back to the picture above. I’m conflicted about ole’ girl on the left. It’s true that everybody loves an old whore, but does everybody love an old whore lover? That’s the question.

Dog Fight

This would’ve been the perfect case for Poochinski. Sigh. So yesterday, Bijou “Fuck A Snake” Phillips and Nicky Hilton followed the Three Billy Goats Gruff past the bridge to Tila Tequila’s troll cottage. Bijou and Nicky were there to collect Casey Johnson’s belongings as well as her two dogs.

They said they were acting on behalf of the Johnson family. Bijou and Nicky must have given the incorrect answer to Tila’s riddle, because she refused to give up the dogs. Tila immediately sent her flying monkey messenger to fetch the cops. When the cops arrived, they called the Johnson family in New York and eventually allowed Bijou and Nicky to take the dogs.

According to Tila, she refused to hand the dogs over because she believes the Johnson family is making plans to put them to sleep so they can be buried with Casey. Bijou denied this.

Those of you who have been closely following Tila’s Twitter page and blog are probably soaking your heads in a bath tub full of ammonia right now so you’re not reading any of this. But those of you that haven’t should really should grab a vat of holy water and head into Tila’s den of craziness. Here’s a little preview: “I need 2 rest. House Hunting tomorrow 4 a new Mansion. It was Casey & I’s plan 2 get a new mansion 2gether so I will fulfill her wish &do it“.

Actually, maybe you should wait outside and watch this video of yesterday’s dog drama instead:

Titty For The Party

When it’s announced that the world’s supply of silicone has gone dry, send your hate/thank you letters to Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I mean, DAMN! Usually, when I see a pair of gigantic chichi balls, I want to curl up between them and take a long afternoon nap. But these things make me want to grab the cross. Seriously, if Kim hugged you, your rib cage would break and your lungs would fall into your stomach. It wouldn’t be good. They should give Kim the Olympic gold medal in weightlifting for carrying around those medicine balls. And am I the only one that suddenly has the urge to go bowling?

But on a positive note, at least Kim’s breasts of destruction take the focus off her Barbie cemetery wig.

Here’s more of Kim at last night’s Fox Reality Awards. I also threw in some pictures of Vivica Fox, Lorenzo Lamas, Shayne Lamas, Judy Tenuta (with an OctoMom boa), Wonky, Nicky Hilton, Gretchen Bonaduce, Dairy (typo and it stays) DeLaWhora, Eric Roberts, Antonio Sabato Jr., his hot mom, Gretchen Rossi, Big Brother’s Chima (with Mr. Empress of Lucite), Cindy Margolis and Adrianne Curry.