Which means Paris Hilton is an aunt now. Ah, the wisdom and guidance she’ll pass down to her little niece. “Always remember: you’ll take many mug shots, but the first one is always the most special, so make sure it’s a hot one. Also, never ingest the bubbles at a foam party. Just trust me, don’t do it.”
As mentioned above, Nicky Hilton – sorry, Nicky Rothschild – finally gave birth to the baby she was pregnant with, and Entertainment Tonight says it’s a little girl. A source tells ET that 32-year-old Nicky gave birth this morning while “surrounded by family” (that sounds…fun). She and her rich British husband James Rothschild named their new baby Lily Grace Victoria Rothschild.
That name doesn’t surprise me much; it’s pretty much what I’d expect two rich people to name their kid. Lily Grace Victoria sounds like a child whose bedroom walls are covered with horse jumping ribbons and sleeps in a queen-sized canopy bed. Lily Grace Victoria Rothschild is only hours old, but I feel like she’s already sent a Mason Pearson hairbrush to Eloise at The Plaza with hand-written message on personalized stationary that says “Tell your nanny to use this, you look positively dreadful.”
What I’m more interested in is what Lily Grace Victoria will call Paris Hilton. Auntie Paris? Aunt Paris? Auntie Pee Pee? No, that’s more of a nickname for Paris’ old assistant. Maybe she’ll let her call her Winky. I like that one.
Here’s Nicky Hilton strolling around New York yesterday. Literally 24 hours later, she was giving birth. I’m going to keep that in mind the next time I eat too much at Taco Bell and am too lazy to get off the couch to throw out the wrappers. “If a 9-months knocked up Nicky Hilton can cruise around New York in 87 degree heat, you sure as hell can get your ass up and walk to the garbage.”
Charli XCX, who you may remember as the Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher, has been slowly inching her way into the Red Carpet Fuckery Hall of Fame for a while now. She’s slithered onto the red carpet looking like sloppy n’ slutty Morticia Addams. She showed up to last year’s Grammys looking like a rode-hard put-away-wrecked Super Star Ken doll.
And last night she proved she still really really wants a permanent spot in the Most Committed wing by sashaying onto the red carpet of the amfAR New York Gala looking like a picture of your messiest cousin from her first wedding in 1992 right before she threw a glass of wine in the groom’s face during a slow-dance to “Secret Lovers.”
Last night, George Clooney and his tequila tasting partner Rande Gerber threw a pre-Halloween party sponsored by their tequila company, Casamigos, and – shock of all shocks, a bunch of Georgie’s famous friends showed up. Even though the Casamigos party was held on the day before Halloween, everyone still dressed up, because why wouldn’t you? When you’re rich as shit, you can afford to have your assistant stand in line outside of the Hell on Earth that is Party City 3 days before Halloween. Still, there’s always that one person who cannot muster a single fuck and shows up in regular clothes, and that person was Salma Hayek. Stars, they’re just like us!
There is literally nothing Halloween-y about Salma Hayek. It’s like she forgot about that shit, and decided to swing by on her way home from Barneys. Salma is giving me “pity pop-in“, and I love it. She probably told her rich-ass husband, François-Henri Pinault, that they were going to make an appearance at a party hosted by “some guy she worked with on From Dusk till Dawn” and assured him that it would “only take a second.”
Or maybe that is her costume: second wife of a French billionaire is a costume, right? But really, why bother putting in any effort when Jessica Alba is going to show up and shut everyone else down with her on-point Romy White costume.
That wig! You know someone is 100% into a costume when they spring for the good wig. For those of you screaming “BUT WHERE’S MICHELE???“, Jessica got a friend to dress up as Michele. I know, Cash Warren really dropped the ball on that one.
Here’s more famous types from George and Rande’s Casamigos party last night. Not pictured: George and Amal Clooney. I guess they decided to shock everyone and go as a couple who didn’t want to pose for the paps.
“Thanks for taking the heat off me for a day or two! I owe you one!” hollered Conrad Hilton to his sister right before she walked down the aisle.
Earlier today, the child of Rick and Kathy Hilton who makes them question their poor parenting choices the least, Nicky Hilton, got married for the second time. UsWeekly says Nicky made it legal with a rich British guy named James Rothschild in a big fat fancy wedding. For real, it was Royal Family fancy. Nicky and James got married at the Orangery in Kensington Palace. Kensington Palace is where Prince William and Duchess Kate live.
Nicky’s fancy rich person wedding wasn’t limited to saying “I do” in front of Prince George’s bedroom window. According to The Daily Mail, Nicky’s dress was a custom-made Valentino gown that cost £50,000 (approx. $77,554 in US monies). That’s a lot of money to look like Grace Kelly meets Lorelei Lee meets reformed rich brat. I know she was going for sophisticated and classy, but part of me secretly hopes her ‘something old’ was a Chick by Nicky Hilton bowling purse.
Of course, Nicky’s older sister and the reason why any of us know who Nicky Hilton is in the first place, Paris Hilton, was a bridesmaid. And she looked totally thrilled!
Poor Paris. Not the center of attention. I’m kidding – I’m sure Paris is happy it’s Nicky getting hitched and not her. Paris has at least two to three dozen more under-30 models to bang before she even considers getting hitched.
Here’s more of Nicky looking like she should be shrunk down and placed on the top of a cake shortly before her wedding to James Rothschild. As well as more pictures of Paris and Mama Kathy Hilton who looks like Sherri Ann Cabot on Rhapsody in White’s wedding day.
And that, my friends, is the exact face one should make when they’re in the presence of one of Pimp Mama Kris’s Krotch Droppings. “I don’t care how much we paid for admission, we need to leave. Now. Seeing one of the babies means that the mother isn’t far behind.”
Friday marked the kick-off of the world’s largest hipster costume party, the Coachella Jorts and Selfies Festival in Indio, CA, and I guess all those $20,000 cheques cleared, because celebrities have started swarming Coachella like rats to an open dumpster behind KFC. Now, technically Coachella doesn’t officially begin until the arrival of the First Lady of Fauxhemia, Vanessa Hudgens. But since it usually takes her hours, even days, to get ready (it takes time to dry hump the 70s), she usually let’s them go ahead and start without her.
I know we’re less than 24-hours into this weekend-long Urban Outfitters commercial, but already Aaron Paul has won my heart by embracing the true spirit of Coachella. It’s not about $200 custom jorts or having the longest gauzy vest or the widest hat; it’s about dancing like nobody’s watching while rolling hard on shrooms:
Either Aaron Paul is higher than Jesse Pinkman after snorting a pound of blue crystal meth, or he’s working hard for that $15,000. Either way, I’ll be right back: I need to pray to a giant piece of New Age quartz that there’s a video somewhere of Aaron Paul dancing to Ellie Goulding all by himself in a little circle, because I need that in my life.
Here’s more hookers clickety-clacking along the Coachella stroll on Friday, including Selena Gomez (sans King Joffrey Bieber), Marla Hooch and The Model One (that sounds like an 80s cop show: Hooch & The Model) Joe Jonas and his girlfriend Basic Bitch Blanda, a rotten leftover from the refrigerator of 2005 and her sister Nicky Hilton, and Kellan Lutz, who if I had to guess, got paid $200 and a voucher to a taco stand:
RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night’s MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn’t do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn’t do it, because he’s not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!
You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad’s guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren’t having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins…
Anyway, here’s a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a “Where’s a strap-on when you really need one?” or “This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!” side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.