In other words, Nick Cannon has never looked hotter.
The 2018 Teen Choice Awards (known to us olds as The Annual Who’s Who Of Who Are These Fucking Children Gala) went down in L.A. yesterday, and as always, the dress code was “the fucked-up the better,” because teens always look a mess. Nick Cannon’s fashion philosophy is always, “If people’s brains don’t collapse into a puddle of WTF while looking at your outfit, you’re doing it wrong,” so he didn’t disappoint yesterday.
Nick brought his nipples out for the teens in a look that is what Bootsy Collins would put together if Bootsy Collins time-traveled back to the 90s and got a gig as one of Rico Suave’s back-up dancers. If you got a drop of Charlie Sheen’s blood during his coked-up tiger blood years and looked at it under a microscope, this is the hot-blooded neon foolery that would be looking right back at you. If Lisa Frank got into her ex-husband’s coke stash before designing the Olympic uniforms, this is what all the athletes would be wearing. What I’m saying is that Lisa Frank should definitely design the Olympic uniforms.
Nick Cannon is splattering our eyeballs with a lot of look and there’s really no calm place for your eyeballs to land, and yet my dick-hungry eyes are focused on the crotch area while lsearching for any sign of a peen print. “Does that blue tiger in the middle’s tongue look circumcised or not?” is a question I’ve actually asked myself today.
In “this has happened before and it will happen again and again and again and again” news, Azealia Banks is fighting with someone, but this time a taste of her own medicine has left her so sad that she’s canceled her new album.
Kids today! Give a 7-year-old an iPad and wait a minute for all of the Amazon boxes to come a’rollin’ in! Parents are dumb, and kids are technologically savvy, it’s just a fact of life in the 21st century. Take Moroccan Cannon for instance. Moroccan’s mom, lactose-doused butterfly Mariah Carey, went on Jimmy Kimmel this week and provided yet another example of how kids today are hackers and could probably breach ALL of our data as long as it involved the Paw Patrol.
The 2018 Kids’ Choice Awards, arguably Hollywood’s most wholesome event of the year (save perhaps the Silverlake Vegan Nut Cheese Invitational), were held on Saturday. Obviously JiffPom was Best In Show but there were plenty of lesser bitches vying for attention on the orange carpet. It was a veritable who’s who of “whos?“s!
Nick Cannon Is Directing An Independent Film About Women’s Street Basketball…Co-Starring Chris Brown
Why yes, I would love to see a movie about women’s street basketball. I’m not really a sports person but I appreciate and am inspired by the athletes’ hard work and dedication. According to Variety, one is in the works vis a vis Nick Cannon’s production company. Nick is a meh for me but the idea sounds pretty great all the same. My interest is piqued! #womenrock #ladyballers But wait….
The American Music Awards aired on CBS last night in order for you to have something to talk about with your weird cousin Trisha over Thanksgiving weekend. The AMA’s are the perfect empty vessel in which to hold your familial conversational obligations. That said, a few attendees did come to slay. Like Hailee Steinfeld, who, thanks to that leather bra and sharp shoulder pad situation, is seen giving you The Bodyguard starring a young Joan Crawford.