Kristen Stewart And Nicholas Hoult Truly Brought The Hot To The Venice Film Festival

I’m not being facetious either (that may be the only time I use a smart person word here, so enjoy it). Semi-professional Daria impersonator Kristen Stewart and her one-time rumored-to-be-banging buddy Nicholas Hoult walked the red carpet for Equals at the Venice Film Festival last night, and since the name of their movie is Equals, they both served up equal amounts of good-looking eleganza.

Obviously, Nicholas Hoult is a hot plate of bangers and mash who could still dampen pants if he showed up in a pair of dirty Zubaz and an Ed Hardy shirt. But he chose to wear a tuxedo, because Nicholas Hoult cares about the material in your spank bank. Meanwhile, living frown KStew is giving you old money Transylvania debutante for your nerves. She looks like an animatronic from The Haunted Mansion ride if it was renovated by Liberace’s interior designer. Which is to say, she looks great.

They also kind of look like artsy rich kids who don’t give a single fuck going to their fancy-ass rich kid prom. KStew has this look on her face that’s like “Yeah, I borrowed this dress from my great aunt, who is like the Queen of Denmark or something. My mom told me it’s worth like, $30,000, but I’m like, who cares, mom. And Nicholas is wearing a tux to be ironic. We’re totally skipping the after-party on Brent’s yacht and having our driver take us to Taco Bell instead.”

Here’s more of KStew and Nicholas looking all fancy on the red carpet at the VFF premiere of Equals yesterday. I’ve also included some pics of KStew with her bare feet out after she yanked off her bougie Louboutins, because of course she did that.

Pics: Splash/INF, Wenn.com

Thanks To Jason Momoa And Lisa Bonet, You And Your Piece Now Know What You’re Going To Wear For Halloween

Leave to tall drink of Muscle Milk Jason Momoa and Dorian Gray’s sister Lisa Bonet to show us homely bitches that they are so hot that they’re natural hotness cannot be dimmed by some fucked-up outfits on their bodies.

Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet came out for the Mad Max: Fury Road premiere in L.A. last night to support Zoe Kravitz who’s in that movie. Jason Momoa showed up looking like the owner of an artisanal craft beer brewery in Bushwick who believes that in a past life he was a Wild West train robber and he doesn’t want to ignore that part of his spirit, so that’s why he dresses like that. Lisa Bonet is dressed like an Olsen at a Great Gatsby-themed funeral. While most people wear black to a funeral, the Olsens wear white, because death pleases them.

You too can get these looks. You won’t look 1/1000th as hot, but you’ll still look a mess. To get Jason Momoa’s “leather daddy Zorro” look, just get a summer job in the Knott’s Berry Farm stunt show and keep the costume. To get the other pieces, just ask one of the more stylish hobos in your neighborhood if you can go through his cart and buy some stuff. To get Lisa Bonet’s look, borrow one of your memaw’s church dresses and pair it with your sheepskin rug from Ikea. I know you have one of those things, because EVERYONE has one of those things. You don’t know how many calories I’ve burned from yanking off one of those Ikea sheepskin rugs from a friend’s dining chair to sit down. Everyone thinks their house needs to look like some shit out of Dwell.

Speaking of yanking, here’s a fap-worthy picture of the new Mad Max Tom Hardy wrapping his luscious larva lips around a straw:

The luckiest straw in the world: That straw is.

And here’s more pictures from last night including some of the Gentle Rose of Graceland, Priscilla Presley, looking more naturally beautiful than ever.

Pics: Wenn.com

The “Dark Places” Trailer Is Here

I’ve been trying to read Dark Places by Gillian Flynn for at least a year. Like Jon Hamm trying to fuck an extra tight hole, I can’t get into it all the way. I speed read through her other books, Gone Girl and Sharp Objects, in a quick minute, but Dark Places is just not holding me. I make it to about 10 pages before I say to myself, “I would rather be watching porn or Love It Or List It,” so I drop my Kindle and go and do that. I have stopped and re-started that book at least 5 times. I finally said “fuckit” after finding out the movie’s coming out this year, because we all know that the movie is ALWAYS better than the book. But then I watched the French trailer today and um…well….

The French trailer came out first, because it opens in France on April 8th. It doesn’t have a US release date yet.

Charlize Theron feels beyond miscast in this shit. When I read it, I pictured a busted and raggedy Amy Adams. The character is supposed to be kind of plain and broke off. Charlie went all out for Monster, but they didn’t even try to homely her up for this mess. They put a ball cap on her head and called it a day. And the movie just looks like one long low-budget truTV reenactment. Shit, I guess I have to try to finish the book after all.

Kristen Stewart Might Be Rubbing Her Mopey Parts On Nicholas Hoult

While her ex-boyfriend is busy researching private islands in an attempt to get as far away from The Legion of Online Robsten Lunatics as humanly possible, Kristen Stewart might be spending her ennui-filled days and melancholy nights humping on her Equals co-star, Nicholas Hoult. Page Six says that The Perpetual Apathetic Shrug Machine and Jennifer Lawrence’s former partner in fucking were spotted “cozying up” at a Cinema Society party for her film Clouds of Sils Marie a few nights ago. I guess “cozying up” is the moody sullen teen version of “canoodling”? Ew, as IF Kristen would do something as mainstream as canoodling!

A source claims Kristen and Nicholas were “stuck together throughout the party“, which either means they’re humping or they literally got stuck together in a wacky 70s sitcom way. But since life is cruel and joyless, I’ll assume it means they’re humping or in the process of negotiating a hump.

Normally I have as many feelings for Kristen Stewart as Kristen Stewart has for everything (Meh, followed by Whatever), but I’m super psyched she might be hitting that. Get it, mopey girl! Nicholas Hoult is hot! He’s like a sexy grilled cheese sandwich (what? exactly). Let him turn that frown upside down! And yes, I’m talking about her down-there smile. I bet that when KStew stands over a mirror, she sees Grumpy Cat. But who knows? Post-Hoult, it’s probably smiling like a pageant queen. Or at least not frowning anymore. I don’t know if Kristen can technically smile without pulling a muscle, and that’s a muscle you don’t want to put out of commission if you’re banging a hot piece like Nicholas Hoult.

Speaking of smiling, here’s KStew attempting to smile for the cameras (“I will give you indifferent grimace, and that is all“) at the NY Film Festival premiere of Clouds with Juliette Binoche:

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Not This Again: Jennifer Lawrence Tripped At The X-Men Premiere

After falling on the stairs at the 2013 Academy Awards and bailing on the red carpet at the 2014 Academy Awards, I just assumed Jennifer Lawrence was planning on saving her next “Whoopsies, how endearing of me!” choreographed stunt fall for the 2015 Academy Awards. Instead, The Daily Mail says she fast-tracked things a bit by tripping up the stairs at the New York premiere of X-Men: Days of Future Past on Sunday night. Although, this one might not technically count, because they say it wasn’t a full-on shit-eating fall; it was more like a fall that never materialized because too many people threw out their arms to prevent America’s Sexiest Keeper of the Real from taking a tumble. It was the pre-cum of falling, really.

I know I throw a lot of shade at Jennifer Lawrence for being one of the hardest working tricks in the try-hard game, but I honestly believe this stumble up the stairs wasn’t planned. That velveteen dress she’s wearing is giving me serious flashbacks to the year 2000, and in case you forgot about the year everyone was stuffing themselves into cheap velveteen, that shit wasn’t a very forgiving fabric. It stretched when it wanted to and if your skirt/dress was long enough, it always found a way to wrap itself around the heel of your platform Mary Janes and throw your ass at the worst of times. It’s not JLaw’s fault she almost fell again; it was that vengeful bitch velveteen’s fault!

Here’s more of Jennifer Lawrence at the X-Men: Back to the Future Past premiere on Sunday night, along with Hugh Jackman, who also threw back to the year 2000 by wearing a band-aid on his face as an homage to Nelly (not really; it’s because he had some skin cancer removed), JLaw’s About A Hottie boyfriend Nicholas Hoult, Ellen Page looking like a young Jesus going to his bar mitzvah, and Fan Bingbing, who not only brings the glamour EVERY TIME, but also has the hottest name:

Pics: Splash

Old Magento Wants To Marry Young Magento

I didn’t know my nipple slits had the ability to pucker until I saw this picture of Sir Ian McKellen putting his hand on his hip while posing next to Michael Fassbender (the “F” is always silent).

When Comic-Con hits San Diego, the streets immediately fill with extra chunky nerd jizz, but there were extra amounts of nerd jizz in the streets on Saturday when Old Magento threw flirty eyes at Young Magento. At the panel for X-Men: Days of Future Past, Ian McKellen let it be known that he’s in the market for a husband and he wouldn’t mind if Michael Assbender slipped a ring on his finger. Vulture was there when fanfiction dreams came true:

“I just want to say it’s great to be back in California,” McKellen told the crowd. “I feel safe here now that you’ve gotten rid of Proposition 8. I’m looking for a husband.” He cast a sidelong glance at Fassbender, the handsome Shame star who plays the seventies version of McKellen’s character in Days of Future Past. With lasciviousness in his voice, McKellen purred, “It’s great to meet you, Michael.”

I was going to say that I don’t think Ian McKellen can handle Assbender’s prostate-flattening peen (his Assaconda?), but it’s obviously the other way around. Michael Fassbender can’t handle Ian McKellen.

And that picture tells me that when Ian McKellen gets close to Michael Assbender, both of his heads grow twice in size.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash, Getty