It looks like Farrah Abraham is going for another “Mother” of the Decade award. (I can’t with good conscience call her a mother without using quotation marks.) This time it has to do with Farrah getting into a fight with an elementary school principal over her decision to send her 7-year-old daughter Sophia to school in a face full of child-grade spackle.
British chef Jamie Oliver is a guy who loves food, so it should come as no surprise that he’d manage to find a way to discipline his kids with it. According to The Daily Mail, Jamie recently gave an impromptu crash-course in food-based mouth torture during an appearance at the BBC Good Food Show when he admitted to keeping his kids in line by sneaking hot peppers into their mouths. Why hot peppers? Because he’s famous and he can’t get caught by the paps…er…”removing his chancla”, so to speak:
“I give them chillies for punishment. It is not very popular beating kids any more, it’s not very fashionable and you are not allowed to do it and if you are a celebrity chef like me it does not look very good in the paper. So you need a few options.”
He then proceeded to tell the story about the time his 12-year-old daughter Poppy was being rude and disrespectful and acting like a straight-up brat (source: was once a bratty 12-year-old girl). But instead of punishing her in the most ruthless way you can punish a 12-year-old girl – by taking away Mall Madness – he taught her a lesson by grabbing a hot pepper and rubbing it all over her food:
“Poppy was quite disrespectful and rude to me and she pushed her luck. In my day I would have got a bit of a telling-off but you are not allowed to do that. Five minutes later she thought I had forgotten and I hadn’t. She asked for an apple. I cut it up into several pieces and rubbed it with Scotch Bonnet and it worked a treat. She ran up to mum and said, ‘This is peppery’. I was in the corner laughing. [Jools] said to me, ‘Don’t you ever do that again’.”
“Damn, Jamie – I’m the asshole British chef, remember?” says Gordon Ramsay, as he whips an overcooked beef wellington at his sous chef.
I’m sure there are some people right now who are screaming “CHILD ABUSE!!!” while running to the fridge to grab a glass of milk for poor Poppy, to which I’d like to add “AND ALSO FOOD ABUSE!!!“, because food should NEVER be used for evil! And Jamie’s a dum dum, because I’m pretty sure this is how prank wars are started. Jamie is gonna get got – Poppy is 12, and 12-year-olds are smart. Look out Jamie – you’re about 3 hot pepper apples away from finding Nair in your shampoo or your toilet seat wrapped in Saran Wrap.
After vandalizing his neighbor’s house and the police search warrant shit-storm that followed, Justin Bieber – CEO of Wild Kidz Incorporated (a group that makes Kids Incorporated look like the Wu Tang Clan) decided that sticking around and being held accountable for his actions like a man was ‘too scawwy’, so he ran and hid in in his treehouse. NO! He doesn’t have a treehouse anymore, he’s a big boy. He ran and hid anywhere that wasn’t Los Angeles, first in Colorado to piss his name in the snow, then to Miami to spend $75,000 on strippers, and probably getting high as a kite during the whole trip (which probably looked a little something like this).
Since Justin is only 19 years old, a lot of us are screaming “COME GET YOUR SON!” at Justin’s mom, Pattie Mallette, and wondering why the hell she hasn’t tracked him down and whipped his ass home like a normal parent. But according to The Sun (via Daily Mail) Justin’s Mom, who’s tried nothing and is all out of ideas, says that if we really want to help Justin, we should pull a Katy Perry and pray for him:
“I think so many people go into the entertainment industry with amazing Christian roots and they get influenced somehow. I ask that people keep me and Justin in their minds. I pray for him every day. If Justin’s struggling, don’t kick him when he’s down or condemn him – pray for him.”
Hey Pattie? You know that if prayer actually worked, your son would have mysteriously vanished a long time ago. I don’t have the most recent figures, but I believe the breakdown of the prayers God receives is as follows:
41% – “Dear God, please make Justin Bieber go away”
39% – “Dear God, please ask Satan to take back Kris Jenner”
11% – “Dear God, I wish I hadn’t eaten that extra pizza”
8% – People shouting ‘Oh God’ during sex
1% – Miscellaneous (starving kids, floods, etc)
And ‘amazing Christian roots’ my ass; just because you do prayer hands on the red carpet every once in a while and thank God when you win a Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award doesn’t mean you get to erase all the times you’ve been a shitty, entitled douchebag.
(Pic via Splash)
Patti Malette, the woman who so generously donated Justin Bieber’s punk ass to the world did a Twitter Q&A Sunday last night according to EOnline. I was hoping somebody would troll her ass hard when someone asked what she would say if she could go back and give advice to her teenaged self but nobody stepped up to the plate to say “quadruple my birth control”. THANKS A LOT, GUYS.
Patti said she is very proud of Justin and that his first word was “money” (can you go to hell for thinking a baby is a douchebag because I’ll see your asses there if the answer is yes) and that she doesn’t like his tattoos or the “I made doody” face littering his Instagram (she didn’t really say that but we’re all thinking it), among other things.
When one Twitter user asked Mallette if she’s excited at the prospect of having grandchildren, she replied, “Ahhh omg could u imagine me a Grandma already!? Hopefully that’s a long way in the future!“
From your mouth to God’s ears. I still can’t wrap my head around Justin wetting his dick whistle and when I really want to hate myself, I picture his encounter with the Brazilian hooker and imagine it was all confusion and rearranging of limbs and a lot of apologies, kind of like when I go to step over my dog and she stands up when I only have one leg over.
Mallette added that it was “very hard” raising Bieber as a single mom in Canada. “But I reached out for help, prayed a lot, read parenting books & did my very best to be the best mom I could be.“
Well, Patti, I hate to break it to you, but you either needed to go-go-Gadget the fuck out of your arms, pray harder or read more parenting books because your son is a prick. News.com from Australia says Justin reported called a fan a “beached whale” at Perth’s Hyatt Regency hotel and said she should go on the Biggest Loser. Patti needs to come get her son (if she hasn’t already called slick bitch no takesie backsies) and give retroactive parenting a shot. It’s never too late to get a second chance to fix the fuck up you raised. I’ll even donate the wooden spoon for the secondary ass whooping if Michael K.’s abuelita supplies the chancla!
If you want to piss off Kim Kardashian (OFF, not on- nobody called your number, Ray J.), tell her she’s a shitty parent.
Yesterday, Kim tweeted, “We took our baby girl swimming today for the 1st time, she loved it so much! #BestDayEver” and a commenter called her ass out according to Ok!, saying it must be nice for NorthSouthEastWestUTurn to finally spend some time with her parents. I guess KK’s typing fingers aren’t as overblown as her fish lips, because she unleashed all the fury you’d find pent up in a 14 year old girl and tweeted this in response:
Ah, behold the ignorant hater defense! Anybody looking for solid parenting tips definitely needs to tune into the Twitter account of someone who is with their baby “247”, yet jet sets to Paris when said baby is 3 months old and goes to every show where their fiancé is ranting on stage wearing clothes that would make a blind man cry and masks I’m pretty sure were made during my five year old’s craft time at school. I know my idea of a good time when my kids were infants was to take slut dress selfies in public bathrooms while my husband stood behind me looking like he’d rather be blowing a hobo in Macy’s window than be in the same room, so I’m glad that Kim and I finally have something in common.
At 5 months, North is most likely already rolling her eyes at her mom’s Instagram captions of shit like “Foreva eva” and is waiting for the day she can aim herself for the pool filter and be shot out the other side into the arms of parents who aren’t so far up their own asses.
Putting Miley into show business. Allowing Noah to dress like a harlot. Letting Trace walk around in public without a bag over his head. The Cyruses won’t ever be up for Parents of the Year, so why not let a 13 year old Noah drive a damn car while you sit shotgun, Billy Ray? TMZ has a photo of Billy Ray- smiling like he just got spun around in a hairdresser’s chair and handed a mirror to check out the back of his blowout- next to his teenaged daughter who’s behind the wheel in Toluca Lake, CA.
Someone needs to remind him that this isn’t some podunk town in Kentucky where throwing your kid into a rusted out Chevy truck when they’re old enough to reach the pedals is a rite of passage. This is Southern California, where where the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Kendall Jenner prove they can’t drive for shit and cruise around like they’re at some bunkass carnival riding the bumper cars. It may be fitting, though, considering the entire Cyrus family is about as close to actual carnies as it gets in Hollywood.
If Trish or Billy Ray had a brain in either of their damn heads, they would look at Exhibits A, B, C and so on until they run out of letters and have to switch over to the Greek alphabet and maybe realize that treating your kids like adults can backfire. The last thing Hollywood needs is another spoiled, entitled brat whose parents never learned the phrase that pays: FUCK NO! Noah looks so much like a younger Miley I want to scoop her up before it’s too late for her and bring her home. She can drive our Deere lawn tractor and instead of building a resumé filled with “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??” and underage traffic violations, she can build some fucking character by the tried-and-true method normal parents use called “go outside and do all the shit I’m tired of doing”. Give me a few weekends of raking leaves and shoveling snow and I’ll have all the fuckery her parents have instilled in her gone.
(Pic of Billy Ray, Noah and Brandi Cyrus via Instagram)