Up until last winter, Kendall Jenner was dating NBA player Blake Griffin. Not long after Blake first got with Kendall, the mother of his two children sued him for palimony, and accused him of skipping out on their family for Kendall. It’s starting to sound like Kendall might be coming for big sister Khloe’s title as The One Who’s Good At Hooking Up With Cheaters.
The last time we checked in on Avril Lavigne’s love life, she was reportedly dating Ryan Cabrera. There’s no doubt people who have reacted to this new boyfriend news by not-so-secretly muttering, “Upgrade” under their breath. But come on, that’s not fair; some say one 2000-era celebrity’s trash is another one’s treasure. And while we’re on the topic of treasure, let’s discuss Avril’s new guy. According to E! News, the boi who has sk8ed into Avril’s heart is the son of a Texas billionaire.
When I first read that Heidi Klum was boning some Tokio Hotel guy I assumed he was a real estate dude with hotels in Tokyo and wondered if I’d been spelling Tokyo wrong my whole life. I did not expect that Heidi would be boning some youth from a boy band called Tokio Hotel! Now I know how my aunt felt when I tried to explain to her what Migos was because she decided to watch Saturday Night Live a couple weeks ago. Now that I know what Tokio Hotel is (conceptually at least), I now understand that 44-year-old Heidi is dating 29-year-old Tom Kaulitz.
Newly single Donny Trump Jr. may already have a new footsie partner for those yellow legal pad cloven hoofs of his. According to Page Six, Don is dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle. Yes, THAT Kimberly Guilfoyle, about whom rumors of a relationship with The Mooch helped fuel his demise. Maybe she carries curse in her cooch! One can only hope.
The Muppet baby version of Freddie Mercury has a new lady friend. According to Us Weekly, Rami Malek is dating his Bohemian Rhapsody co-star Lucy Boynton. Lucy plays Mary Austin, Freddie’s muse and lover cum BFF. She was also in a great movie I saw on a plane once called Sing Street, but I don’t remember her.
Prepare yourself for a pairing so random and late-2000s, it could only be outdone by a headline that reads: Jennifer Aniston finds new love with a box of L’Oréal Feria haircolor in R57. Six months after calling it quits with Vito Schnabel, 44-year-old Heidi Klum got caught kissing 28-year-old Tom Kaulitz, twin brother of human Pokemon Bill Kaulitz, both of the band Tokio Hotel.
Heidi and Tom decided to let everyone know they’re a thing by laying it on thick in front of photographers at an America’s Got Talent event last Sunday.
Heidi Klum the cougar strikes again! https://t.co/fk05m83COv
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) March 26, 2018
This isn’t technically the first time Heidi and Tom have been spotted out together. On March 14th, they were seen leaving a club in West Hollywood in the same car together. The Daily Mail has pictures of Heidi and Tom kissing, holding hands, and hugging. At one point, Heidi crouches down and grabs onto Tom’s leg. They almost covered all their bases, but my favorite pose – kissing with one leg bent back (aka The G-Rated Romance Novel Cover) – was missing. Oh well, next time.
All jokes about Heidi being a cougar aside, I’m sure she and Tom have a lot to talk about. For example, they’re both from Germany and they could always bond over Victoria’s Secret.
Heidi: “1997 was the first year I walked in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.”
Tom: “Cool, that’s the same year me and my other 3rd grade friends found an old VS catalogue in the woods!“