I hope Keegan-Michael Key’s ex-wife (or hopefully, soon to be ex-wife) Cynthia Blaise was relaxed and sitting in a comfy chair this morning when she read the news that KMK is engaged to be married to producer and director Elisa Pugliese. Cynthia and KMK were married for over 15 years. The divorce was hard on Cynthia who claimed she developed PTSD and had to gobble pills to cope. Who could blame her really when she reportedly supported him through the lean years. Hell, I gobble pills to cope and I’m not going through shit. Hopefully she’s been well compensated and has moved on too because there’s no putting this new horse back in the barn.
We may not know much about Shailene Woodley’s new gentleman friend but I hope he likes furry, tanned and 100% organic vagina because that’s what he’s getting. Shailene has been playing coy and teasing fans with suggestive posts on Instagram that hint that she may be flaying footsie with a fella without revealing his identity. But E! News is convinced that it’s Fijian footballer Ben Volavola. Look out, Shailene’s got a new bone in her broth!
Maybe this time around she can sit John Mellencamp down and gently explain to him that saggy dad track bottoms are not an outdoor pant. Save them for your American Pickers marathons, John!
When we last heard about what Ben Affleck’s now-single peen has been up to, sources said that it wasn’t really make regular visits to the crotch of anyone in particular (in non-confusing Dlisted speak that translates to: “Ben really wasn’t dating anyone.”) But now People, E! News and UsWeekly all say that Ben is regularly humping on Emmy-winning Saturday Night Live producer Lindsay Shookus, who was one of Billboard’s Most Powerful Women in Music last year. And just like that a hundred “Ben Affleck’s Got A New Girlfriend And We Are SHOOKUS” and “Ben Affleck Is All Shookus Up” headlines were born.
Several weeks ago, Scarlett Johansson was reportedly seen at a Saturday Night Live after-party putting some mouth moves on Weekend Update’s Colin Jost. Last week E! News asked Colin if he had anything to say about the Scarlett rumors, to which he replied: “What?! No way. No, I’m good.” He also said he was “very happy” in his personal life. Colin didn’t want to talk about it, and that sort of made me think it could have just been a drunken party hookup. As it turns out, it might not be so casual.
Woe has been Mischa Barton for a while. She got shuffled off to the hospital (after she claims she got GHB’d), she had to deal with two exes trying to peddle fuck tapes starring her, she had to suffer through Dancing with the Has-Beens, her Volkswagen nearly got snatched by the repo man and she sued her mom for allegedly stealing money from her. But it looks like grey skies have cleared up for Mischa and her face is being graced by the warm, sparkly rays shooting off of her new man’s gold Rolex. E! News says that Mischa has found love, which is great if that’s your thing or whatever, but what’s even better is that her new boyfriend, James Abercrombie, may one day inherit $574 million. That sound you hear is the sound of Mischa’s creditors pounding on their keyboards while trying to find a phone number for James since Mischa has blocked them all.