If you saw that “Gronk” was trending on Twitter yesterday and thought to yourself, “Is that the guy from Emperor’s New Groove? Why is he trending?” I have news for you: That character’s name is Kronk. With a K.
29-year-old Rob Gronkowski announced that he’s retiring from the game of football and apparently people care. TMZ is reporting that my uncle is finally going to read one of my posts on this site because it’s about one of his favorite football players retiring. The New England Patriot tight end (which is also the name of my Grindr profile) announced on Instagram that he is leaving pro football after almost ten years in the sport.
We already knew Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady share weird as fuck diets of no sugar, no strawberries, and basically no fun. Given the no fun in their day-to-day life, it should come as no shock they wouldn’t have any fun gearing up for their tenth anniversary today. That must be it because how else can you explain them sharing a jet from Los Angeles to Boston yesterday with Robert Kraft, the Patriots owner who got busted in a sex trafficking sting!?!?!
I don’t think anybody here expected Robert Kraft’s seventh ring to come from the prostitution variety. Hot off the heels of Bobby’s New England Patriots’ sixth Super Bowl win, it appears Bob frequents the Orchids of Asia “spa” in Jupiter, Florida, for a little R&R that came with a happy ending. In fact, Bob may have been a regular, and the police were onto his ass. Law enforcement officials announced a bust of 25 people who were soliciting sex at Orchids of Asia, and Bob’s name made the list.
Somebody find a nanny to console Ben Affleck. Tom Brady has thrown in the jock and finally accepted a four-game suspension from his gig as QB for the New England Patriots. “Deflategate“ is finally over! (We really need a new scandal suffix.)
Brady has been fighting his suspension from the NFL for allegedly deflating footballs during a 2015 conference championship game for over a year. This was serious for Tom Brady! He took it all the way to the Supreme Court! Nobody wants to be seen on Monday Night Football just standing beside the Gatorade cooler on the sidelines with the lower tier coaches in the less-expensive Starter jackets.
“It has been a challenging 18 months and I have made the difficult decision to no longer proceed with the legal process,’’ Brady’s post stated. “I’m going to work hard to be the best player I can be for the New England Patriots and I look forward to having the opportunity to return to the field this fall.’’
Tom’s arch-nemesis, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, better watch his ass if he ever has to come to Massachusetts. He better head right to Gillette Stadium. Avoid Boston, Rog! Hell, he should stay out of Cambridge, too. They probably won’t know who he is but just to be safe. Writing about sports is exhausting. If some hot gossip pops up about a celebrity quantum physicist, I’m passing it to Allison.
On a lighter note, you may have read that I’ve been graciously appointed the new weekend guy here at Dlisted. For me, it’s sort of like a thong-clad Joe Manganiello arriving to tell you that you won Powerball. I wouldn’t say I’m “over the moon” or #blessed but it’s in that arena without sounding like an ass.