Here is excellent news for all of you nasty true crime freaks that have run out of episodes of Forensic Files and Cold Justice to lull you to sleep night after night. The OG king of the crime shows, Unsolved Mysteries, is getting the reboot treatment. Netflix has announced that it has picked up twelve episodes of the show that made us kids of the 80s and 90s fear windowless vans and invitations to pet strangers’ kittens with the promise of candy. But will it really be Unsolved Mysteries if they can’t bring Robert Stack and his creepy as shit deadpan delivery back from the dead?
If you’re into mindless drivel created by people we’ll one day refer to as “Who?” then please head over to YouTube and check out Jake Paul, younger brother of the just-as-dumb Logan Paul. With their combined powers the two of them annoy the masses for likes and followers, and recently Jake has come under fire for participating in the #BirdBoxChallenge, based on the movie, of course. The challenge encourages people to wear blindfolds and throw themselves into hazardous situations like driving a car. Yes, this fool actually blindfolded himself and drove a car.
Sandra Bullock is responsible for a lot. She saved the Miss USA pageant, plummeted to Earth from a satellite, did not crash a speeding bus full of people and stole a bunch of fancy shit from the MET Gala. For some reason no one was ever inspired to go out and do those things. But this time around, Sandra’s performance in Bird Box–where she yells at unnamed children and never opens her eyes–has really touched something in the people of the world, and they are out here doing the same.
Note: This post contains spoilers for Bird Box.
In that odd, grayish limbo which is the downtime between Christmas and New Year’s, you’ve probably been bored and entertained yourself by thinking that you really should have told Uncle Frank to stuff his MAGA hat up his stupid ass at Christmas dinner. You also probably watched Netflix original movie Bird Box aka A Quiet Place But With Eyes. And even if you didn’t, a whole shitload of people did. According to CNN, Netflix is reporting that more than 45 million Netflix accounts have viewed it so far. The streaming service is also claiming that the movie had the best first 7 days ever for a Netflix film. (This might also make it the most-watched original movie in Netflix’s history.) But hold please, cause there’s a catch.
Netflix is making a prequel to the nightmare-inducing horror show that is The Dark Crystal, and they just released a sneak peek at what some of the Gelfling characters will look like. What’s a Gelfing, you say? Well, it’s a shrunken down elf looking mother fucker that’s been run through one too many SnapChat filters. They’re also the heroes in Jim Henson’s 1982 original film and will be back, this time wearing a lot of bronzer, for Netflix’s 10-part series that will air sometime next year.
Everyone can rejoice that our favorite way to combat a hangover and Sunday scaries is preserved for another year. Peoples were getting antsy earlier this week when Friends episodes on Netflix came with a side of fine print that said they were going to be on a break (see what I did there?) come the new year. Friends was going to go away, but it’s been revealed that Netflix is paying a staggering sum to keep those reruns available for at least another year, so I’m sure we should get ready for the monthly bill to go right on up.