Category: Nerds

Amber Heard Got A Job In The “Justice League” and “Aquaman” Movies As Mera

March 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Johnny Depp better start looking into some long-term in-home hobo pirate care, because his go-to helper is going to be busy doing her own thing for the next little while. Amber Heard confirmed to ET yesterday that she has been cast as Mera, the wife of Aquaman (played by Jason Momoa) in 2017’s Justice League: Part One and 2018’s Aquaman. Amber wouldn’t say much about her role as Mera, but she did talk a bit about her costume. Just like Aquaman and Wonder Woman, Mera’s costume sounds like a Mugatu-inspired mecha mess.

“It’s interesting. It’s like, half suit of armor, half scales. It’s strange. We’re in the process of building it now, so it’s coming along.”

Excuse me? A fierce undersea queen like Mera deserves slutty aquatic eleganza. Not a suit cobbled together from pieces that fell off the side of a Deadliest Catch boat. I know people don’t like their superhero movies to be campy trash anymore, but at least give her a pair of gold club rat hoops to go with her crown.

Playing a character that spends most of her time in the water is a great opportunity for Amber. And no, I’m not talking about her career. I’m talking about how easy it will be to introduce Johnny Depp to semi-regular bathing. All she has to do is invite him to visit her on set after every underwater scene. When he arrives, a soaking-wet Amber will hold him in a hug just long enough for the water to penetrate his clothes and make contact with his skin. If she does this every day, I’d say she could have him relatively clean in about 3 to 5 months.

Pics: Splash, DC

Ben Affleck Made His First Public Appearance Since His Marriage Ended

July 11, 2015 / Posted by:

Now we know what it looks like when Ben Affleck goes to donate a bunch of old DVDs to his local Savers and sees a sign that says “NO GIGLI.”

Ben Affleck has been laying pretty low since word got out that his marriage to Jennifer Garner had bitten the dust. But since he’s contractually obligated to pimp out that Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice movie, he showed up to San Diego Comic-Con. Yes, Ben Affleck looks like cold shit, but that might not be because he’s sad his marriage hit the skids. The Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice panel was held at 10:30am, and that’s pretty damn early for someone who was probably counting cards and chugging hooch till 4am the night before.

Sad Batman joined Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, the monotone boy robot from The Social Network, and Gal Godot on the BVS:DOJ panel, and their big thing was that they released a new nearly 4-minute long trailer featuring Wonder Woman.

The real star of that trailer is whatever the hell is living on Lex Luthor’s head. That wig is BUSTED and I love it. I kept hoping it was going to come alive with the magic of CGI and start cracking jokes. Is it too late to go back and re-write that into the movie? I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that Lex Luthor could really use a sassy lil’ talking polyester sidekick.

Here’s more of Ben Affleck at Comic-Con this morning with the rest of the BVS:DOJ cast.

Pics: Splash

As The Star Wars Super-Fans Lose Their Damn Minds…

July 11, 2015 / Posted by:

I feel like I’m watching a real-life Star Wars fanfic re-imagining of the “Now I want you two to kiss” scene from Wild Things. Oh, Mark Hamill, you dirty dog.

San Diego Comic-Con, the most wonderful time of the year for nerdy types, is here. And last night, J. J. Abrams played Santa and made millions of geek dreams come true by packing the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel full of Star Wars people. The cast of the new movie! The cast of the old movie! A post-hospital Harrison Ford (who was apparently a little wobbly)! Carrie Fisher! But obviously the best part was when Princess Leia and Han Solo’s lips reunited with each other on stage. Sure, it wasn’t nearly as nasty as I would have liked (don’t tell me Leia and Han weren’t into some truly kinky shit), but I’ll take what I can get. If the idea of watching two legends who can still get it gently mouth humping on each other is your idea of a good time, it happens around the 5:33 mark below.

Besides Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford kissing on each other, a bunch of other Star Wars shit happened too. J. J. Abrams confirmed that Star Wars 7 was done filming and that they’re just editing it together now. They also brought an alien puppet thing from the new movie on stage.

That’s almost exactly what I imagine Charlie Sheen’s blood looks like under a high-powered microscope. Then after all the talking, they hauled the 6,000-person audience outside for a Star Wars concert. Sadly, it wasn’t performed by that hot bitch Sy Snootles and the Max Rebo Band. I guess they had a more important gig, like playing for Naboo royalty or something.

Here’s more from the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel last night, including Mark Hamill working the hell out of a sexy semi-sheer shirt.

Pics: Splash

Here’s What The Nerds Will Be Obsessing Over Today

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

In honor of Star Wars Day (May the 4th be…you finish it, I’m too tired from singing the Comedy Bang Bang version of the Star Wars cantina theme), Vanity Fair released several photos taken on the set of Star Wars: The Force Awakens by Annie Leibovitz. Sadly, there are no moody grey-blue shots of Han Solo staring pensively off into the distance while Chewy relaxes on an antique bentwood chair in the background (aka what every Annie Leibovitz picture looks like to me). But we do get to see what some of the new characters look like.

Well, sort of. Vanity Fair says Lupita Nyong’o plays a pirate called Maz Kanata, but she’ll look nothing like she does above in the movie. Lupita’s face is covered in tracking dots so they can CGI in her character’s face later. What a drag! I was like, finally, a character my high school yearbook photos could related to. But no.

Also a bummer was this photo Annie took of a group of Star Wars background characters. See if you can pick out who is missing.

StarWarsCollage

Say it with me now: where the hell is Sy Snootles?!? Maybe she’s hiding behind that slutty protocol droid on the left (that slutty droid would). Sy Snootles is hands-down the hottest character from Star Wars, and I was really hoping J. J. Abrams would do the fans right by bringing her back. I wanna know what happens to Sy Snootles. Does she pull a Beyonce by quitting the Max Rebo Band to go solo or what? These are the important questions.

Here’s more of what some of the new Star Wars characters will look like, including Oscar Isaac as a pilot named Poe Dameron (every emo teen just jizzed themselves over that name) and Adam From Girls as a bad dude named Kylo Ren:

Pics: Vanity Fair

Millions Of Nerd Chonies Just Got Wrecked

November 28, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’re a mom of a nerd, then you now know how you’re going to spend a part of your day tomorrow. You’re going to spend it scrubbing dried butt cream out of a pair of Star Wars adult sized Underoos. Because the teaser trailer for Star Wars VII: The Nerd Boner Awakens stuck its tip into nerd holes today. This shit doesn’t come out for another year and this is only a teaser, so it doesn’t show much. I see John Boyega giving hos the moists in his Stormtrooper outfit, some soccer ball with a head and possibly Adam from Girls working a really impractical light saber that I’m sure he’ll burn his hands on at least twice. This trailer doesn’t do things to me, but I’m still happy for all you nerds, because I’m sure you’d be happy for me if a trailer for the live-action feature film of Beverly Hills Teens came out and made me tear off my head before running around in a circle from the excitement of it all.

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Jared Leto Might Play The Joker In An Upcoming Film

November 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Say it with me now: BETHENNY FRANKEL WAS ROBBED!!!

According to The Wrap, the Dirtbag Hipster Jesus of Bushwick Jared Leto is being considered for the role of The Joker in David Ayer’s Suicide Squad, a film based on the comic of the same name about a bunch of convicted DC villains who get hired for high-risk black ops missions by the U.S. government. The Clean-Cut Hipster Jesus of Canada Ryan Gosling was originally rumored to be playing The Joker in Suicide Squad, but for some reason he dropped out.

Also being considered to join the cast are Tom Hardy, Will Smith, Margot Robbie, and hickey enthusiast Cara Delevingne (who may or may not play The Joker’s girlfriend Harley Quinn). Jessie Eisenberg, who was cast as Lex Luthor in the Ben Affleck Batman Meets Superman movie (or whatever it’s called) is expected to play Lex Luthor in Suicide Squad too.

I know that when Heath Ledger was first cast as The Joker in The Dark Knight, all the nerds were like “Him? The pretty boy from 10 Things I Hate About You?“. But then he went on to werk mama werk and turn that Joker shit OUT, so who knows if Jared Leto will do the same? Jared is a pretty boy (albeit a bit of a dirt sandwich), and I’m sure he can bring the crazy, but I’m worried about that face. Heath wasn’t afraid to go ugly, but Jared? Jared has a face that was made for makeup. You can shave off the Jesus, but you can’t deny those cheekbones! Trust me, Jared Leto as The Joker is going to look more like Jared Leto as Bianca Del Rio. Actually, that sounds amazing.

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