The Teen Choice Awards were held last night and as usual, the fashion on display mirrored the tempestuous and confused mind of a teen and the questionable choices they are prone to make. Case in point: Naya Rivera, who is not Canadian, decided to wear a Canadian Tuxedo. A bold enough choice in and of itself, but Naya’s added some extra 90’s stank to the classic look with a belt that I bought at Miller’s Outpost my first year of Jr. High and some power shoulder poofs. Naya is ready to drop her kids off at a sleepover in her white Volvo before rolling out to meet her girls for some line dancing and wine spritzers at Rojo’s down off highway 84.
All of those flicks wherein David Spade rode Chris Farley’s love handles to success must have made bank, because short nasally plain-janes normally don’t achieve this level of hot girl date acquisition. Not trying to promote the human race’s tired beauty standards, but I’m fat and pale with a giant melon and no chin. You didn’t see me regularly landing speedo-clad-and-they-have-every-right-to-with-that-body, gym bunny model ass before I tricked my gorgeous teddy bear of a husband into marrying me. It’s just how the world tends to work.
It’s been four months since Naya Rivera filed for divorce from her husband of two years, Ryan Somethingoranother, and that’s a long time for a permanent resident of ThirstVille like herself to get a new dude to hit the pap stroll with. But Naya got herself a new dude and they’re making everyone’s head fill with a billion question marks.
After being married for a little over two years, Naya Rivera doesn’t want to be married to Pitch cast-member (job upgrade!) Ryan Dorsey anymore. Naya’s first fiancé Big Sean totally just made a look that says, “Oh yeah, didn’t see that one coming.”
TMZ says that Naya filed for divorce last week and she’s asking for primary physical custody of their 1-year-old son Josey Dorsey, with visitation rights for Ryan. Reps for Naya and Ryan released a standard celebrity split statement about the whole thing.
“After much consideration, we have made the decision to end our marriage. Our priority is and always will be our beautiful son that we share together. We will continue to be great co-parenting partners for him. We ask for respect and privacy for our family during this difficult time.”
If we’re going on Naya’s version of “privacy“, then expect it to be a matter of time before she takes this “private” matter to Twitter, and Instagram, and Snapchat, and an episode of Ellen, and anywhere else she can get a little attention. That statement says nothing about what made Naya decide to file for divorce. My guess is she was sick and tired of Ryan panicking every time she leaned in too close to a candle and started screaming about how plastic is flammable. That kind of bummer energy can really kill the mood.
There once was as time when the IKEA As-Is section version of Kim and Kanye wasn’t Kylie Jenner and Tyga. It was back in 2014, and that couple was Naya Rivera and Big Sean. Naya and Big were engaged, but they called it off. Some people speculated that Naya ended things because Big Sean had been offering up his dick to strangers like a one-man sausage sample station at Costco. But Big Sean refuted that claim by releasing a post-breakup statement denying that he’s a cheater. A few months later, he started dating Ariana Grande. Naya wrote about those rumors in her recent tell-all book Sorry Not Sorry, and she’s more than happy to give you a not-so-subtle hint about who Sean may have cheated with.
The only tell-all from a Rivera I want is one from Chita Rivera, but Naya Rivera wrote her memoir. To sell it, her publisher pushed out a couple of excerpts about how she got an abortion on her day off from Glee and how she struggled with anorexia during her teenage years. But it’s not all seriousness in Naya’s book. She also writes a love letter to the Tupperware party in her chest.