We already know the theme of this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner was straight-up hotness, thanks to living boner maker Jane Fonda, but just in case we needed a reminder, President Obama brought out one of the hottest characters from Key & Peele, Luther the Anger Translator. If you’ve never seen Key & Peele and have no idea what I’m talking about, Luther (played by Keegan-Michael Key) is President Obama’s anger translator and it’s his job to translate what President Obama says into yelling and rage-eyes. It’s basically the long-lost son of Coach Hines and an eight ball mixed with the before stock image from a high blood pressure pamphlet at CVS.
I wish ‘anger translator’ were an actual job, because I can think of about 12 real-life uses for one. Like every time I try to return something at Sephora and they keep pressing me for a reason. It would be real handy to have someone behind me yelling “IT GAVE ME A RASH IN A PLACE I CAN’T SHOW YOU! THERE, YOU HAPPY NOW?!”
I didn’t watch the whole WHCD because I had better things to do, ie. re-watching Super High Me and eating a box of Goo Goo Clusters, but I did catch some of it, like host Cecily Strong’s joke about Joe Biden giving a good shoulder massage (“Or as I call ’em, upstairs hand jobs. Wink!” whispered Joe Biden to whatever woman was sitting closest to him). I also saw a bit of Obama’s speech, and I guess so did Roseanne, because she pulled a Luther and went on a Twitter rant accusing him of stealing her jokes.
Here’s a bunch of the fancy-dressed famous types at the WHCD last night, including a very knocked-up, very Kardashian-in-the-face Naya Rivera, Chrissy Teigen looking like a sexy model at a goth car show, plastic feline-faced goddess Melania Trump and her partially-decomposing Christmas clementine of a husband, and Laverne Cox – as always – doing Beyonce better than Beyonce.
Kim Kartrashian klone Naya Rivera filled in for Whoopi Goldberg on The View today, and I guess she figured that since Whoopi wasn’t there someone had to dribble out a stream of nonsense.
The pecking hens on The View covered Buzzfeed’s piece about how us Americans bathe our asses too much and showering in hot water daily can dry out your skin and wash away good bacteria. Two dermatologists said that depending on weather and what you do with your body all day, you really just need to shower every two or three days. The dermatologists also said that if some of your parts get moist, juicy and stank, you can wipe them down with a wet towel. Nicolle Wallace said that she takes a shower three times a day. To which Naya Rivera said that she showers three times a week and then she shat up a theory about showering. When Naya Rivera says she has a theory, that’s your eye rolling muscle’s cue to stretch and get ready to roll.
No wonder Beyonce’s last Instagram picture looked like it was ‘shopped with a half-broken version of Photoshop 0.07 full of dull and overused tools, because all of the Photoshop was used on this Paper Magazine cover of greasy trash coming out of a trash bag. RIP Adobe. We should’ve known you’d eventually spit out your last breath while pasting someone else’s waist on Kim Kartrashian’s extra glazed plastic ass.
Last night, thousands of people pushed away the plate of greasy, over-stuffed pork dumplings they were having for dinner and said, “Yeah no, I’m okay,” after seeing Kummy Kakes’ Photoshopped ass looking like a family of hairless warthogs oil wrestling in a trash bag. That picture of Kummy looking like a centaur Who was taken by Jean-Paul Goude who took several iconic pictures of Grace Jones back in the day.
Jean-Paul Goude also recreated his famous “champagne glass balancing on an ass” picture with Kim and it’s after the cut. Computers and fingers were broken while Photoshopping that shit.
When Naya Rivera, the result of a Dollar General JLo doll and 99 Cent Store Kim Kardashian doll melting together in the sun, commits to Kim Kartrashian and JLo impersonations, the bitch really commits to Kim Kartrashian and JLo impersonations. Three months after she broke off her engagement to Big Sean, the swap meet Kanye to her swap meet Kim, Naya married an actor type named Ryan Dorsey in Cabo San Lucas on July 19th. Does this mean that Naya and Big Sean’s relationship was a fraud wrapped in lies wrapped in a PR stunt and she was doing this Ryan Dorsey trick behind-the-scenes the entire time?! I don’t know, but I do know that Naya is 27 years old, so she better spend her honeymoon filing annulment papers, because she needs to move onto the next husband if she wants to keep up with her face and life inspirations.
People (who can now list “Publishing those Naya Rivera wedding pictures” under charity contributions on their tax return) got the EXCLUSIVO pictures of Naya and Ryan getting one step closer to becoming divorced exes. Naya and Ryan got married on the beach in Cabo in front of a small group of family and friends who sat there while thinking to themselves, “I really hope this isn’t a shot gun situation, because I don’t want to waste my money on a wedding AND a baby gift for these two wrecks.” Naya wore a dress by Monique Lhuillier and a face by DuPont.
I’m sure that just like the melted plastic water bottles that she injects into her face, Naya and Ryan’s love will last for eternity and never disintegrate. Naya and Ryan shat out this statement of words about their wedding to People:
“We feel truly blessed to be joined as husband and wife. Our special day was fated and everything we could have ever asked for.”
And if you didn’t think this wedding could be more of a troll wedding, they had to spit out this hilarious dingle, “True love always prevails.” Let me fix that for you, Naya: “Fame whoring always prevails.” Better!
IN THIS ECONOMY, I don’t blame Naya for marrying her rebound. Naya was supposed to marry Big Sean, so she probably already bought the dress and booked the venue, the flowers, the DJ, the photographer, the food and already tipped the paparazzi off. Why let all of that go to waste?! Naya will lose a job, a record contract and her original face, but she refuses to let go of her wedding deposits!
You can’t really tell what Ryan Dorsey’s face looks like in the picture above, so here’s some pictures of his “hybrid of Ryan Phillippe and Adam Brody with a drop of Jared Padalecki” face and more importantly, his nipples.
Almost two weeks ago, TMZ said that the fourth place loser of a Barbra Streisand sound-alike karaoke contest Lea Michele and the prototype for a Kim Kardashian Bratz doll Naya Rivera were both involved in a messy situation on the Glee set that ended with one of them dramatically leaving the set. Blind Gossip also had a blind item about how Naya’s engagement to Big Sean ended after one of her co-stars (hmmm, I wonder who that was?) hopped on his tube pillow dick. Well, this morning PopWrapped (via NYDN) said that Naya was told to pack up her new face and get the fuck out of there.
A source (Hi, Lea!) says that Naya’s trailer was packed up and she was told she won’t be in the season 5 finale and won’t be in season 6, which is the final season, at all. Their source (Hi again, Lea!) said that Lea had nothing to do with Naya getting pink slipped and it was the producers’ decision. Kristin at E! also said that Naya won’t be in the season 5 finale, but she wasn’t fired and no decision has been made about Naya being in the final season. A “show insider” told Kristin that Naya was supposed to be in the season 5 finale, but she was written out of the script and the change has nothing to do with Lea. The “show insider” also said this:
“We love Naya and want only the best for her. Hopefully we can work it out. We all needed a moment. [This break is] best for everyone.”
The inside source went on to say, “And if Naya doesn’t come back, we always have Lea. Lea’s beauty and talent can carry the rest of the season and can carry the final season. In fact, if every cast member but Lea left the show, the show would be better because of it. Lea is Glee and we should really just change the title to Glea. And..and…and OH GOD, Lea, please don’t threaten to sing another Barbra Streisand song into my ear. I said what you told me to say! Please! MERCY!”
Glee’s current ratings are at an all-time low, but they’ll raise higher than what Lea Michele thinks of herself if they turned the cameras around and gave us the backstage fuckery that’s supposedly going down. Over the past couple of months, Blind Gossip has had several blind items about how Lea Michele and Chris Colfer are in cahoots and have been working together to push Naya Rivera and Darren Criss off of the show. There’s been more backstabbing and diva theatrics than what happens backstage at the Queen of Scientology pageant (you know what I’m talking about, Tommy Girl and Travolta!). TMZ says that on Tuesday, the drama between Barbra Streisand’s second Wednesday matinee standby and Kim Kardashian’s klone got so bad that one of them was kicked off of the set.
Team Naya claims that Lea held up production when she stepped away from the set to deal with personal crap. After the cast and crew waited around for a while, Naya went to the producers to bitch to them that Lea is a lit matchstick shoved up everyone’s asshole. They’re all over her shit. Lea heard about Naya’s talk with the producers and dramatically exited stage left and never came back to the set.
But Team Lea has a different story. They say that Lea and Naya weren’t even shooting scenes together and she didn’t know that Kim Kartrashian’s badly-made wax figure complained about her. Team Lea says that Naya was kicked off of the set. The source also claims that Naya was fired. Team Naya denies she was given BYE BITCH walking papers.
To add another layer of ESCANDALO to this mess, Blind Gossip posted a blind item on Tuesday about a TV actress who broke up with her musician boyfriend after she read text messages on his phone between him and one of her co-stars whom he allegedly screwed on the side.
This pretty television Actress and her musical Fiancee recently broke up. Lots of rumors and public accusations flying back and forth: Controlling! Flirtatious! Insecure! Jealous! Cheater! Thief!
While both sides are spinning publicly, we know that there are two facts that both sides privately acknowledge as being true.
The first is that she broke up with him. Yes, we know he said that he is the one who called off the wedding, but that’s not true. She ended it.
The second is why she ended it. He cheated on her. Our Actress found a series of text messages on The Fiancee’s phone from a woman with whom he had hooked up on multiple occasions. It wasn’t the first time she caught him cheating, but it was with whom he was cheating that was the final straw.
Of course there was a huge fight. She yelled at him for being a liar and a cheat. He yelled right back that he did it because he was tired of her flirting with other guys. He also told Our Actress that she could have a hundred plastic surgeries but she was never going to be as hot as his famous colleague’s celebrity Significant Other (who is The Fiancee’s idea of physical perfection). Ouch.
You know the rest. Couples therapy, breakup, accusations, spin.
This is obviously about Naya and Big Sean. Most of the blind item aficionados at Blind Gossip think the side piece costar is Lea Michele, but I’m not sure. If Lea was taking a ride on Big Sean’s fat moray eel dick, I think we’d all know it. Because we’d see pictures of Lea dragging the organs that fell out of her vag from Big Sean fucking her. So I’m guessing the home wrecking side piece slut is either Unique, Demi Lovato or Lord Tubbington. It was obviously Lord Tubbington.
Look at that slut with his legs wide. He’s practically bragging about it.
After creaming at the mouth about how much her heart jizzes for Big Sean and how she loves that he wears the pants in the relationship and how she’s always breaking her pussy by constantly riding on his (NSFW unless you work with John Travolta) tee ball bat dick, the plastic hybrid of JLo and Kim Kardashian isn’t going to marry him anytime soon. Star Magazine says that Naya Rivera pressed the stop button on their wedding plans, because Big Sean admitted to her that he dipped his foot-long beef wellington peen (beef willyngton?) into coochies that weren’t attached to her body. But in a statement of words to People, Big Sean ‘s spokeswhore says that he’s the one who broke things off and the rumors are not true. But what is true is that the 99 Cent Store Kim and Kanye dolls who’ve been collecting dust on a clearance shelf are over. The skies are filled with the tears of cherubs who are weeping over the death of true love.
“After careful thought and much consideration, Sean has made the difficult decision to call the wedding off. The recent rumors and accusations reported by so-called or fake sources are simply untrue. Sean wishes Naya nothing but the best and it is still his hope that they can continue to work through their issues privately. We will not be commenting again on this matter.”
This mess could get messier, because earlier today, Naya tweeted (and quickly deleted) this little accusation:
But a source (probably Big Sean’s silo-full-of-cum dick) tells TMZ that Big Sean didn’t steal anything from Naya and he broke off the wedding weeks ago, because she’s controlling and thinks he’s boning pieces on the side, which he says he’s not.
Well, since Naya is in the breaking up mood, she should also break up with the plastic surgeons, the mannequin makers, the wax figure sculptures, the auto painters, the weave masters, the contractors and anybody else who helped her look like a permanently-surprised Kim Kardashian claymation statue in Ron Perlman’s old Beast wig. Shit, she should break up with the part of herself that thought that doing that shit to her face was a good idea.
And here’s Naya at some Marie Claire party last night. Everybody she talked to was probably like, “Do I have some shit in my teeth? Is there a killer clown standing behind me, because why are your eyes all wide like that?”
At the party for Glee’s 100th episode in West Hollywood last night, TVLine asked JLo Kardashian (born name: Naya Rivera) about the rumors that she’s getting dropped from the show. The rumor started when Lea Michele said that the rest of season 5 mostly focuses on the hos in New York and she named off everyone but Naya. Naya said that it was a “Freudian slip or maybe not” on Lea Michele’s part (shaaaaade) and then she went on to say:
“People just take things, little things, and blow them up.”
That answer can also be the answer to my question, which is, “Girl, did you get bigger Tupperware cake covers installed in your chest?”
Naya posted a picture on Instagram yesterday of her at the beach with her fiancé Big Sean (looking like Freddy Krueger as a referee), and either her tits got swole from a severe allergic reaction to her dude’s fugged-up ensemble or she got her tits Stoddenized. It’s obviously the latter and all Naya needs to do is fill her ass cheeks with 10 cans of Fix-A-Flat and she’ll be warmly welcomed into the Glad family of products and can also get work as Kim Kardashian’s Instagram body double. Speaking of messy Instagram pages, if you haven’t visited Naya’s recently, you should. Her Instagram looks like the portfolio of an artist who uses candle pillars to make figurines of Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian, JLo and Sophia Lamar.
Here’s pictures of JLo Kardashian, Lea Michele, Jane Lynch, Trouty Mouth and the other Glee tricks at the 100th episode party last night.
Before we get to the meat of this story (and ‘meat’ is too generous a word; it’s really more like a rotten slice of Tofurky), can we talk about this Pimp Mama Kris-approved Cosmo cover and Naya Rivera’s fucking “I must become you” obsession with Kim Kardashian? Slow down, dummy! To be Kim, you must become Kim, and honey – you have to get up pretty early in the morning to out-famewhore a famewhore (a coat of asshole-colored gloss and contouring your nose into oblivion won’t cut it).
I wish I could say that Pasta Primavera’s obsession with Kim is limited to fucking up her face and wearing 2-sizes too-small skirts, but she recently told Cosmopolitan for Latinas (via Us Weekly) some things about her relationship that had me thinking “Dis here some Stepford Kimye shit”. When asked about her fiancé, rapper Big Sean, Naya pulled out the pamphlet DJ Tanner slipped into her purse and said this:
“I think he’s going to be an amazing husband, and he’ll make a great father someday,” Rivera says of her fiance. “He’s so kind to people, but he also wears the pants in our relationship, which I love. We Latinas are very independent and strong, so it’s even sweeter that I’ve found somebody who can let me out of that role for a minute.”
Cosmo then pulled her string a second time, but it got stuck after “Don’t ask me, I’m just a girl!” and she kept giggling for nearly 10 minutes until the battery died.
The term ‘wearing the pants’ gives me so much rage, and I don’t know if Dlisted is the right platform for a discussion on gender equality (Beyoncé: “Did somebody say feminist discourse on applied gender ethics?”) but for fucks sakes, will someone sit these young tricks down, put on some damn finger puppets, and explain like they’re 5 that it’s 2014 and we don’t use the term ‘wearing the pants’ anymore? Also, what the hell does ‘wearing the pants’ even really mean in this world of post-pants acceptance? Don’t most people wear pants? Are pants not universally popular? What are you wearing instead, Naya? Oh right; whatever Kanye told Kim to wear.
Q: What do you get when you add Kim Kardashian a face tweak or two ago to Jennifer Lopez, then subtract 75 pounds of ass?
A: K. Lo Rivera, the alter-ego of Glee actress Naya Rivera that showed up to the People’s Choice Awards!
Everybody and their mama’s one-eyed, blind cat made the KK and JLo connections and it’s a damn shame Naya went from this to looking like a bad wax statue of either of those hos.
Naya spent a LOT of time looking shell shocked last night. One explanation for her frozen face is that she gave Nicole Kidman’s red carpet beauty secret a shot and slipped some dry ice into her facial steamer. Or maybe Marc Anthony followed her all night trying to win JLo back by crooning “Need To Know” in her ear looking like Gollum dressed for the prom. The most likely is she overheard Kris Jenner talking about adopting her ass because the Kardashians are in the market for a replacement Kim in case the original one’s face finally slides all the way down and hits the floor.
If the latter is the case, all I can say is “RUN, BITCH! RUUUUN!”
Here are some pics of K. Lo Rivera from last night at the
Who Picks This Shit People’s Choice Awards last night.