Naya Rivera wasn’t always the outlet mall version of Kim Kardashian. She was also once an actress on a very successful show about constantly-singing teenagers called Glee. Naya has written a soon-to-be released memoir called Sorry Not Sorry, because even though she’s only 29, she tells People that she’s “done a lot of living” and is a “79-year-old trapped in a 29-year-old’s body.” One of the things she’s done in her 29 years that she’s sorry not sorry for is having an abortion. She’d also said that it happened during the filming of Glee on one of her days off.
Prepare all your “Sure, Jans” – you will surely need them. Naya Rivera had a bit of titty problem at the Vanity Fair Young Hollywood party last night. Normally staring directly into Naya’s Grand Canyon deep cleavage would leave you dizzy or light-headed. But last night, the only feeling it gave people was a sense of wonder. Specifically, they wondered why it looked as though her left titty was trying get a better look at that fancy necklace she’s wearing. Well, good news – she has an explanation for that.
“Absolutely loved this @TadashiShoji look tonight for the @VanityFair young Hollywood party! Shout out to my son for the lopsided boobs. LOL #breastfeeding #momlife He is SO worth it.”
Baby Josey is apparently a tiny sorcerer who was blessed with the ability to relocate silicone. I don’t know how useful that skill is, but who knows? Okay, so we know why the boobs look the way they do. Now all we need to know is who is responsible for Kardashian-ing her face. And don’t blame the baby, Naya. The last time I checked, babies don’t have the magical ability to turn you into the Kim K version of yourself.
Naya Rivera (aka Santana from Glee) and her husband of a year Ryan Dorsey (aka a dude whose claim to fame is that he bareback boned and married Santana from Glee) became first-time parents on September 17th and I guess it took them a couple of weeks to try to sell the info to absolutely anybody before nobody bit and they said, fuckit, we’ll release it for free.
Naya’s rep tells People that she had a baby boy in Los Angeles. Since Naya paid plastic surgeons to Kardashian-ize her mug using rubber and soil jelly, I figured she’d take her Kim Kardashian impersonation to the next level by naming her kid something like South Dorsey Rivera or Mik Naihsadrak Dorsey Rivera. But TMZ dug up her kid’s birth certificate and this is what she and Ryan named their baby boy:
Naya and the “Justified” star just had their first kid — a boy born on September 17 — and according to the birth certificate … named him Josey.
Josey Hollis Dorsey … in full, came into the world at the ever popular celeb birth spot — Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in L.A.
JOSEY DORSEY. JOSEY DORSEY. JOSEY DORSEY.
I guess Naya and Ryan are really big fans of Clint Eastwood or they’re really big fans of a certain buff gay country singer. I kind of like the name actually, because it sounds like a tongue twister you’d say 10 times before performing a monologue during high school drama class and it also reminds me of Josie Grosey from Never Been Kissed. If Naya’s kid ever decides to legally change his name, he’s going to scream, “I’m not JOSEY DORSEY anymore!”, afterward.
Here’s a knocked up Naya and Ryan doing stuff in L.A. a couple of months ago.
We already know the theme of this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner was straight-up hotness, thanks to living boner maker Jane Fonda, but just in case we needed a reminder, President Obama brought out one of the hottest characters from Key & Peele, Luther the Anger Translator. If you’ve never seen Key & Peele and have no idea what I’m talking about, Luther (played by Keegan-Michael Key) is President Obama’s anger translator and it’s his job to translate what President Obama says into yelling and rage-eyes. It’s basically the long-lost son of Coach Hines and an eight ball mixed with the before stock image from a high blood pressure pamphlet at CVS.
I wish ‘anger translator’ were an actual job, because I can think of about 12 real-life uses for one. Like every time I try to return something at Sephora and they keep pressing me for a reason. It would be real handy to have someone behind me yelling “IT GAVE ME A RASH IN A PLACE I CAN’T SHOW YOU! THERE, YOU HAPPY NOW?!”
I didn’t watch the whole WHCD because I had better things to do, ie. re-watching Super High Me and eating a box of Goo Goo Clusters, but I did catch some of it, like host Cecily Strong’s joke about Joe Biden giving a good shoulder massage (“Or as I call ’em, upstairs hand jobs. Wink!” whispered Joe Biden to whatever woman was sitting closest to him). I also saw a bit of Obama’s speech, and I guess so did Roseanne, because she pulled a Luther and went on a Twitter rant accusing him of stealing her jokes.
Here’s a bunch of the fancy-dressed famous types at the WHCD last night, including a very knocked-up, very Kardashian-in-the-face Naya Rivera, Chrissy Teigen looking like a sexy model at a goth car show, plastic feline-faced goddess Melania Trump and her partially-decomposing Christmas clementine of a husband, and Laverne Cox – as always – doing Beyonce better than Beyonce.
Kim Kartrashian klone Naya Rivera filled in for Whoopi Goldberg on The View today, and I guess she figured that since Whoopi wasn’t there someone had to dribble out a stream of nonsense.
The pecking hens on The View covered Buzzfeed’s piece about how us Americans bathe our asses too much and showering in hot water daily can dry out your skin and wash away good bacteria. Two dermatologists said that depending on weather and what you do with your body all day, you really just need to shower every two or three days. The dermatologists also said that if some of your parts get moist, juicy and stank, you can wipe them down with a wet towel. Nicolle Wallace said that she takes a shower three times a day. To which Naya Rivera said that she showers three times a week and then she shat up a theory about showering. When Naya Rivera says she has a theory, that’s your eye rolling muscle’s cue to stretch and get ready to roll.
No wonder Beyonce’s last Instagram picture looked like it was ‘shopped with a half-broken version of Photoshop 0.07 full of dull and overused tools, because all of the Photoshop was used on this Paper Magazine cover of greasy trash coming out of a trash bag. RIP Adobe. We should’ve known you’d eventually spit out your last breath while pasting someone else’s waist on Kim Kartrashian’s extra glazed plastic ass.
Last night, thousands of people pushed away the plate of greasy, over-stuffed pork dumplings they were having for dinner and said, “Yeah no, I’m okay,” after seeing Kummy Kakes’ Photoshopped ass looking like a family of hairless warthogs oil wrestling in a trash bag. That picture of Kummy looking like a centaur Who was taken by Jean-Paul Goude who took several iconic pictures of Grace Jones back in the day.
Jean-Paul Goude also recreated his famous “champagne glass balancing on an ass” picture with Kim and it’s after the cut. Computers and fingers were broken while Photoshopping that shit.