Category: Natalie Portman
Natalie Portman: Caped Crusader
While some at last night’s Oscar’s used their mouth words to make a political statement, Natalie Portman opted to use her cape words instead. The Huffington Post claims that Natalie “dragged” the academy by wearing a custom Dior cape with the names of several female directors who made movies in 2019 but were not nominated for an Oscar this year, embroidered onto the lapel. I’m not sure dragged is the right word, it was more of a polite finger wag. Natalie made a similar statement using her mouth when she announced “and here are the all-male nominees” back in 2018 while presenting Best Director at the Golden Globes. While some applauded Natalie’s Calligraphy Heard Around The World, others are calling her a hypocrite because her own production company, Handsomecharlie Films, has only ever hired one woman to direct any of the 11 films on their slate. But you won’t find that woman’s name on Natalie’s cape, because that woman is herself. (via Insider)
Glamour, Thy Name Is Oscars
I’m fucking kidding of course. This year’s Oscars red carpet was about as glamorous as a back alley gluteal augmentation. Not even red carpet darling Billy Porter could save this parade of half-baked ideas which ranged from Saoirse Ronan’s front butt ruffle to Laura Dern’s titty-tassels. The real kicker is that, for reasons I will never accept, Blac Chyna was invited to pose for hundreds of pictures looking like a second string (ok, twelfth string) Cruella de Vil who smothered Cookie Monster with her bosom, skinned him with her talons and used his pelt for this dress. Meanwhile, the cast of Best Picture winning Parasite, were only photographed together in a group. The fuck? At least they let them use the slo-mo cam which is a big improvement on Giuliana Rancic’s (below, go easy on her, she’s dealing with some intestinal distress) Mani-Cam of yore.
People Are LIVID That Natalie Portman Doesn’t Wear A Diaper In “Lucy In The Sky”
Natalie Portman is a serious actress and clearly we expect nothing but commitment from her, which is why some people are so mad she didn’t go all out in her new movie Lucy in the Sky and wear an adult diaper in a plot-specific scene. The nerve! And she dares to call herself an actress.
Marvel Cinematic Universe Shit: Angelina Jolie Is An “Eternal,” Natalie Portman Is The New Thor
Never mind earthquakes. California was nearly taken out yesterday by the tsunami of fanboy drool created by Marvel Studios announcing all of their upcoming movie and TV offerings at San Diego Comic-Con. Angelina Jolie sashayed out to get that Marvel money and officially joined the cast of The Eternals. Natalie Portman deigned to make an appearance to announce that she’s going to be the new female Thor. Marvel also exhibited their absolute fearlessness when they revealed that they’ve recast Blade with Oscar winner Mahershala Ali. Their security must be aces because Noxeema Jackson is going to show up with an uzi when she hears that she’s not getting any cash from Marvel anytime soon with which to pay off her outstanding IRS tab.
Moby Has Canceled The Remainder Of His Book Tour
The PR team working on the press tour for Moby’s latest memoir, Then It Fell Apart, probably thought the buzz around his book launch would be people asking, “Remember Moby? He’s got a new book!“. Instead it’s turned into, “Remember Moby? He’s kind of a creep.” And now everyone is talking about how he tried to get with a girl fresh out of high school when he was in his 30s. So Moby has decided to cancel the rest of the dates on his book tour and go away for awhile.
Moby Kind Of Apologized To Natalie Portman But Is Still Sticking By His Story
As you know, in the second memoir (yes, he’s got more than one) of vegan lech Moby, he writes about dating Natalie Portman in 1999 when he was 33 and she was 20 (but she says she was 18). Why anyone would want to humblebrag about being a thirty-something dating a girl just out of high school is a question mark, but Natalie said it wasn’t true and he was actually an older man creeping on a teenager. Moby then said she’s lying, and he wouldn’t let it go. Moby is now apologzing. Sort of.