Natalie Portman Says Moby Lied About Dating Her And He Was Actually An Older Man Creeping On A Teenager
Oh, Natalie Portman and Moby, they could’ve been the Queen and King of Vegans, but the only problem is, according to her, is that she never ever wanted to lick celery leaf butter off of his bald head (or whatever you vegans do during sex), and saw him more as a vegan Woody Allen creeping on a barely legal girl. “That’s slanderous! I’d never creep on someone legal,” cried Woody Allen.
If a pop star from the olden times had to go after a nose-in-the-air pretentious Oscar-winning actress, my first choice would be Samantha Fox going after Goopy Paltrow for saying that she made yoga popular when we all know that Samantha Fox not only invented yoga, but made it popular too (see: Samantha Fox doing downward dog, sort of). But I’ll take Jessica Simpson dropping a fart on Natalie Portman for words Natalie said about her posing in a bikini when she was a teenage virgin.
Little Monsters everywhere turned off their hearing aids today because Lady Gaga is surely shrieking up a storm that Natalie Portman is coming for her Oscar weave by basically playing Gaga in a piece of Oscar bait. I heard a while ago that Natalie was going to singe our eyeballs in the name of her craft by playing an unhinged pop star. I just assumed it meant she was going to regurgitate everything Britney Spears did circa 2007, but this just screams “Ra ra, bitch!” It kind of looks like her Black Swan character decided to try on a Jersey accent and complement it with a heavily moussed hairdo.
Entertainment Weekly says the premise of the movie is that Celeste, played by Natalie, survives a school shooting before going on to become the world’s biggest pop star. It flashes forward to Celeste in her adult years where she’s full of rage and apparently armed with metallic silver hairspray and pissed over losing out on childhood because of the shooting. Celeste can’t catch a break because the night before she’s supposed to rock out at an arena in her hometown, terrorists break into a resort and open gunfire. She also has to put up with Jude Law attempting an American accent as her manager. No wonder she hits the bottle so hard.
We hear what faintly sounds like the instrumental start to Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want To Have Fun,” so I’m really hoping Celeste is a pop star who only performs Cyndi covers. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case. There’s all sorts of strife and scream acting, and I guess Sia wrote the soundtrack, and Natalie sang all her music. Sorry, Gaga. Maybe you can try for a spot in Cats and have a better shot at Oscar?
Since October, there have been many conversations by famous people about the awful creeps of Hollywood. The vast majority being that time’s up on their awful creep behavior. But lurking behind the corner of some of those conversations have been questions like: “But what about that Roman Polanski petition you signed…“. Natalie Portman wants to be excluded from that narrative from here on out, because she’s sorry she ever signed it.
“Annihilation” Stars Natalie Portman And Jennifer Jason Leigh Responded To The Whitewashing Criticism
Oopsie daisy! Somebody let a book reading nerd into a press junket for the upcoming sci-fi movie Annihilation starring Natalie Portman and Jennifer Jason Leigh. Much to their surprise, said nerd from Yahoo Entertainment let Natalie and Jennifer know they they just received lifetime memberships into club Hollywood Whitewash! And it’s a terrible club where they serve grocery store sushi and Justin Timberlake and Macklemore are in constant rotation.
It’s Super Bowl Sunday! Many of you are already half in the bag while emblazoned in your team’s colors and ready to roar at the television. Many of you are merely half in the bag because it’s Superbowl Sunday. And some of you are half in the bag and only watching to see trailers for blockbuster movies coming out this summer, Justin Timberlake hopefully being revealed as a lip, and visible jockstraps through football pants. (Ok, it might be just me.)
To get you in the wicked pissah spirit, Tina Fey (who was repping her hometown team of the Philadelphia Eagles), Rachel Dratch (who was repping her hometown team of the New England Patriots), Natalie Portman, and the rest of the Saturday Night Live cast performed a sketch making fun of fans of both teams. That could be a Philadelphian accent, who knows, but why do they always make us Bostonians sound like alcoholic fools? Don’t answer that.