The women of Hollywood let it be known last night that the “Time’s Up” on industry-wide sexism. When Natalie Portman took the stage at the Golden Globes, she also revealed that time’s up on her giving a fuck.
The day before the Oscars, Natalie Portman let all the nominees know that they didn’t have to worry about her splattering their moment with birth fluids while pushing our her second kid in the aisle of the Dolby Theater in Hollywood. (Although, Moonlight’s moment ended up getting ruined anyway by goddamned Brian The Accountant!) Natalie skipped the Oscars and everyone figured it was because her second child with French ballerina dude, Benjamin Millepied, was just seconds away from pirouetting out of her vagine. But it turns out that Natalie skipped the Oscars because her second bay had already pirouetted out of her vagine and she was in no condition to get into a designer gown and put on a manufactured happy face as Emma Stone won the Best Actress Oscar.
Natalie’s rep released a statement today saying that she birthed out her and French ballerina dude’s second child, a girl, just four days before the Oscars.
“Natalie Portman and her husband Benjamin Millepied welcomed a baby girl, Amalia Millepied, on Feb. 22. Mother and baby are happy and healthy.”
Natalie and Benjamin’s first child, a 5-year-old son, is named Alpeh, so I guess they kept with that AM theme. That’s good she went with Amalia, because Natalie was channeling Jacqueline Kennedy through awards season so much (see: above) that I thought she was going to name the kid either Arabella, Caroline, John Jr. or Patrick. Or worse, she could’ve named her daughter Camalat.
Those of you who were looking forward to watching Natalie Portman balance her second Oscar on her second pregnant belly tonight are shit out of luck. People reports that Natalie won’t be attending the Oscars tonight due to her ever-so-delicate condition.
Bitch, please. The only correct answer is: NEITHER! The one and only Joyce Beatty worked it a billion times better than the both of them!
The Oscars are still about 4 weeks away and if Natalie Portman’s unborn baby keeps doing what unborn babies do, which is grow, she’s going to need to go down to the Ringling Bros. fire sale and buy herself one of their told tents to wear to that shit. At this year’s Golden Globes, Natalie stayed in character by going full Jackie Kennedy. And at last night’s SAG Awards, she continued to stay in character and wear something that Jackie O would wear if Jackie O was 19 months pregnant and had to make a dress out of a 200-inch tablecloth and napkins. Put a candelabra on Natalie’s bump, pull up some chairs and you could have a romantic dinner for two on her.
Natalie’s bedsheet-and-the-pillowcases dress was so damn big that I bet the stoners at the SAGs didn’t even bother walking all the way to the bathroom to toke up in a stall. They just crawled under Natalie’s dress and hotboxed. I’m sure she didn’t even notice. So yeah, that’s where Winona Ryder brought spent most of her night.
With that said, I love Natalie’s Dior dress, because I love an outfit that doubles as a comfortable bed you can sleep in.
And Natalie shouldn’t even bother taking her pregnant ass to the Oscars next month. She should stay in her actual bed, because it’s obvious that Emma Stone is going to become the first Asian woman to ever win Best Actress.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
On last year’s cover of Vanity Fair’s Hollywood Issue were the likes of Jane Fonda, Viola Davis and Cate Blanchett looking like you at the DMV when the number in your hand says “198” and they just called number “10.” Their faces told a story and that story was, “I am bored but I also want to fuck a bitch up.” And for this year’s cover, Vanity Fair did what they’ve done a million times before: they gave us bored pretty youngins’ in $10,000 gowns.
When this picture of Natalie Portman was taken at the No Strings Attached premiere, people probably assumed she was making that “Let’s just get this over with” face because Ashton Kutcher’s douche pheromones were starting to give her a headache. Now we know that it could have been because she’s wondering why the hell the dude beside her got paid three times as much for the same movie.