It’s escalated from puppy love and meeting with the president of Ghana to aggressively bumping uglies between Liam Payne and Naomi Campbell. Guess he has a type because, if you can believe a British tabloid, Liam is having “mind-blowing” sex with (ANOTHER) older woman. Somehow, I believe it’s mind-blowing because Naomi screams at him about proper positioning the whole time so she walks away pleased and he just whimpers in a corner.
It’s hard to imagine Naomi Campbell getting all soft and goofy over a boy. Yet she did, or at least she pretended to, recently when she exchanged kissy faces and heart emojis with Liam Payne, formally of One Direction. Now, according to Daily Star, things are getting serious and Naomi may even have been practicing writing “Mrs. Payne” in cursive on the inside of her Trapper Keeper (coincidentally, Mrs. Payne is also her dominatrix name). Naomi and Liam were spotted attending a concert together at London’s O2 Arena where they shared a private suite, reigniting rumors that the two have indeed been K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Put that in your Trapper Keeper and smoke it!
It was bad enough to feel solidly over the cusp of middle age when the teenage lads from One Direction broke up (or went on an indefinite hiatus, if you are a glass half full kind of Directioner). Then some of the boys started popping out babies and I felt down right Social Security recipient old. This morning I feel like the Cryptkeeper took a dump on my head with the news that Naomi Campbell and Liam Payne flirted. Yes, supermodel and professional phone thrower Naomi Campbell, age 48 and Liam Payne, 25 were flirting on Instagram so that 100% confirms that they are practically married already.
Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan’s all-star royal wedding spectacular may have been stuffed full of more celebrities than the damn Met Gala, and brought out the likes of The Mighty O and Tom Hardy, who became all of us by falling asleep with his eyes open. But Princess Eugenie had Naomi Campbell on her wedding guest list today. The St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle was probably filled with the clickity clack sounds of Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan furiously pounding away at their iPhones while rage-texting their wedding guest booker for not getting them THEE Naomi Campbell.
Pimp Mama Kris is on the phone with her koven’s on-staff team of plastic surgeons right now to tell them to immediately jet to wherever Kendall Jenner is, because she needs them to put that dehydrated piece of cauliflower stalk back together after being turned to dust by two simple words that easily leaped out of Naomi Campbell’s mouth.
Naomi was on Watch What Happens Live last night and was asked by a “viewer” for her thoughts on something Kendall Jenner said. Naomi was not about to dignify a lesser’s existence by responding to some stupid shit they said, so she waved that trick away with a, “Next question.”
Last month, Naomi Campbell’s boyfriend of a few months Skepta posted an ultrasound picture, and it wasn’t clear whose womb the baby was living inside, but many thought it was hers. Well, baby or no baby, the chance of seeing Naomi and Skepta suffering through a cheesy gender reveal video just went down. Because according to Page Six, Naomi might be hooking up with David Blaine. I guess that’s one way to make those pregnancy rumors (magical puff of smoke) disappear.