AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Kanye West is a spiked anal bead shoved up humanity’s culo, but we can still count on him to bring the HAHAHAs by making his waxed mannequin dress up doll Kim Kartrashians look like 10 pounds of messiness in a 2 pound sack by doing her up like a day-shift She-Hulk hooker. Thank you, Kanye!

Kuntye and Kummy Cakes went to a movie in Calabasas, CA today and nothing says “casual movie matinee” like a tight, backless bib shirt, dad jorts and suede heels. Since Kim’s mirror is covered with a thick layer of delusion and it constantly lies to her, she probably looked at it before leaving the house and saw this:

Kim wishes her jorts game was as piping hot and sexy as this beauty’s. Kim, leave jorts wearing to the true professionals who really know how to work it.

You know, if you took the Kartrashian out of that outfit, it would actually be kind of elegant, demure and sophisticated. A Kartrashian cheapens everything. If Shauna Sand was wearing that outfit it would like Coco Chanel designed it and sewed it onto Shauna’s body herself.

PRAISE BE! There Will Be No Pimp Mama Kris Koochie In Playboy!

But don’t go cancelling that order of eyewash bleach just yet. Pimp Mama Kris may not be doing Playboy, but she’s said nothing about Hustler, Penthouse, Juggs, Greasy Grandmas, Sluts of Satan, Viper Vadge, and Plastic Clownface MILFs Monthly. For now, though, let’s just celebrate the little miracle that is no Pimp Mama Pussy in Playboy.

According to E! Online, the owner of Kris’s Klassy Kall-Girls and the reason why Satan invented the term “Let it go to voicemail” actually did something to positively impact society when she gave an interview to KIIS FM’s Kyle and Jackie O Show and dispelled the awful, stomach-churning rumor that she would be following in her daughter’s footsteps by flashing her gash for cash in Playboy:

“Oh my God, no! I don’t think anybody wants to see me without any clothes on.”

For a woman who’s native language is Lies, these are the truest words she has ever spoken. Besides, there’s only one member of the Kardashian family of lost souls who’s able to serve the body-ody-ody needed for Playboy, and that’s Bruce Jenner. But that will never happen because Playboy is for ratchet hookers like Kim, not stunning land mermaids like Brucie.

And because this is Kris we’re talking about, she couldn’t get through the interview without mentioning the upcoming wedding of her bottom bitch (which is currently being billed as “A Celebration of Our Most Depraved Whores” in Hell):

“I don’t know about a plan. I said, ‘Let me do this, let’s do that, and I’d love to give you a party,’ and she said, ‘Mom, we just want to have it be a big surprise and we want you and everyone else to relax. You worked so hard the last time that we’re really excited to show you how it’s done in one of the cities we live in.'”

Kim then added: “Don’t worry mom, you’ll have plenty more weddings to plan for me and make money off of. I guarantee it.”

Pic: Instagram

Behold: A Beautiful Moment Between Miley Cyrus And Her Brother Trace

The uncensored artwork for Miley Cyrus’s “Adore You” remix has been accidentally “leaked” to the internet (aka Miley emailed the picture to a possum, who then posted it to ChickenFriedChichis.com) and it’s actually pretty tame by current Miley standards. By this point, I’d expect a picture of a three-way between Miley, an Ajax-snorting gopher, and a bag of medical waste, or just a close-up shot of Miley’s asshole. But this? This is practically a Christmas card. Sure, she’s holding a blunt (it looks more like J. Jonah Jameson’s cigar) and one of her trailer park titties is hanging out. But the rest of her looks clean, and that’s blowing my damn mind, because Miley usually looks like the poster child for Cap’n Filthy’s Industrial-Strength Skank-B-Gone.

Take, for instance, the video she uploaded to Instagram earlier today of her pretending to get into a fight with the Hot Topic garbage goblin, Avril Lavigne over which one of them is the most famous person in Canada (You’re both wrong, ya dumb whores: the most famous person in Canada is that Liza-looking slut Ananas from Téléfrancais). I don’t know what they were going for in that video, but if it was “dry turd pulled from the rectum of sketch comedy”, then they nailed it. Even though Miley is dressed like a post-bathtime toddler – something that should conjure up thoughts of baby powder, Mr. Bubbles, and the Snuggle Bear – she’s completely unable to not look like the human representation of the violent skin rash you get if you come in contact with a pet store lizard.

So it’s definitely either a miracle or black hillbilly magic that Miley was able to look halfway fresh for the Adore You artwork. Maybe it’s the wig? Or maybe there’s a tool in Photoshop designed to clean-up skanky-looking hillbilly rodents? Yeah, it’s the wig. Anyways, you can judge for yourself; the NSFW picture is after the break. Continue reading

Introducing Gaga’s Laziest Look Yet: Girl Covered in Cheap Flowers With Red Thing On Her Head

“Yeah, so I got a nude body stocking, a bag of silk roses from Crafternoon Delight, a red pair of pantyhose from my mom’s underwear drawer. I call it Flora…something something…Gaga Artpop. Trust me, it will look super edgy and arty and post-modern and Marina Abramovic-ish. Can I have my $3,000 now?” – No longer giving a sweet fuck, thy name is Lady Gaga’s stylist.

Lady Gaga arrived at the Roseland Ballroom last night to perform the first of several concerts before the NYC venue closes its doors for good. And true to Gaga form, she took all the attention away from the Roseland Ballroom by wearing a ME ME ME IT’S ALL ABOUT ME outfit upon arrival. Sweet sassy jesus, will you let them have a moment without barging in and shitting your tired community college theatrics all over it? Listen to me; confusing Lady Gaga for someone who isn’t freebasing delusion.

Everything about Gaga is a mess, I know, but something feels particularly amateurish about this get-up. I mean, she hot glued fabric roses onto a body stocking, for chrissakes! Even Adore Delano from RuPaul’s Drag Race is looking at this and thinking that bitch needs to put in a little more effort. What I’m trying to say is, Gaga’s costume is so lazy, it reminds me of one of Adam Sandler’s cheap Halloween ideas from SNL. “Hey, I’m crazy red string hat lady! I’m wearing a crazy red hat with strings! In case the crazy red hat is not enough for you, I’m also red rose nipple lady! I’m also wearing roses on my nipples! Now gimme some attention!”

Pics: Splash

Miley, Put The Dildo Down! That Thing Doesn’t Know Where You’ve Been!

Never have I wanted more than to jack up the Whitney, dramatically reach through the screen of my laptop and rip that poor, defenseless Hand of Adonis dildo out of Miley Cyrus’s arms. That dildo can’t talk, but I bet if it could, it wouldn’t be able to because it’s suffering severe PTSD (post traumatic snatch disorder). Only Miley could tweet a picture of herself holding a dildo and turn it into a hostage situation.

But honestly, even if we rescued it right now, that dildo is a goner. If her tongue is any indication of what’s going on downstairs, I think it would be safe to assume that the open sewer grate she’s working with between her legs would dissolve most things it comes in contact with. So pray for dildo’s merciful death. And light all your best prayer candles for me, because I just imagined Miley shoving Powder’s severed arm up her chipmunk chocha and I started projectile vomiting like Regan McNeil in The Exorcist.

Because I’m not totally evil, I’d never leave you with the awful mental picture of Miley crotch-slamming a ghost hand, so please accept this palate cleanser in the form of Miley’s Marc Jacobs spring/summer 2014 campaign. Every high fashion photo shoot tells a story, and this is apparently the story of three sad sullen teenage sea hags who washed up on a Florida shore and immediately got busted for shoplifting pregnancy tests from Publix, but were later released because one of the police officers is a big Boy Meets World fan and thought Miley was Stuart Minkus.

Justin Bieber’s Urine Test Video From Jail Is Going To Be Released, But His Junk Will Be Blacked Out

And praise fucking everything, because nobody but Justin Bieber’s pediatrician should ever see his potty trained pi-pi making wee-wee. Hell, even Pedobear wasn’t comfortable with the idea of looking at what was underneath My Buddy’s red overalls. So today we should all be pouring out a cup of sizzurp as a sign of respect for the poor soul at the Miami-Dade County police department who’s job it is to go in and blur out Tantrum Toddler’s crotch.

HuffPo says video clips of Justin’s time in jail will be released with appropriate censoring to protect his privacy, but not everyone agrees with the decision to do so. Both TT’s lawyers and the Miami-Dade County Judge agree that releasing the video would be an invasion of privacy and totally creepy because he looks like a fucking 9-year-old (I added that last part because they forgot to) but the state of Florida is a slut when it comes to their open records laws, so they’re releasing that piss video no matter what. If you see Pimp Mama Kris skulking around Miami-Dade County in the pantsuit she wears to piss video negotiations anytime soon, you’ll know why.

I understand that legally they have to release the video, but I’m not sure just what kind of person wants to see a video of Justin Bieber giving a urine test. This all feels like an elaborate set-up by Chris Hansen and the To Catch a Predator team. “You’ve chosen to view a video titled Justin Bieber Peeing. Why don’t you go ahead and take a seat over there.”

And because you need something to keep the NOPE sector in your brain busy between now and when that piss video is released, here are some pictures taken of TT’s tattoos while he was being held in police custody during his January arrest. I’d have to say my personal favourite is the shitty joker, but embarrassed-looking Jesus is a close second.

(Pics: Reuters)