And by “this,” I mean two things: extremely sophisticated portraits and a new kind of brain gonorrhea you’ll get while thinking about Terry Richardson slobbering from every orifice as he takes pictures of 19-year-old Kylie Jenner.
Since Kim Kartrashian is mostly sitting on the fame whore bench, it’s Kim Kartrashian 2.0’s job to keep her family’s signature brand of ho shit coming. So Kylie plumped up her balloon ass cheeks with helium, turned the dial that operates her eyes to DEAD and delivered all kinds of Instagram THOT poses. That mother/daughter picture above is truly touching. Kudos to humanized chloroform rag Uncle Terry for capturing Pimp Mama Krisssss in her true form. She’s never looked better.
If you’ve been looking for the perfect holiday gift for the fame whore-in-training in your life, Kylie Jenner’s 2017 calendar is already out. The pictures have leaked all over Instagram, and most of them look like backpage escort ads taken in a garage in front of a white bed sheet background. And I’m sure that’s exactly what Kylie and Uncle Terry were going for. I’ve burped up a few pics after the cut and you may want to look at them while listening to a song of your choice, because you’ll need something loud to drown out the sound of PMK screaming, “Work it, spread it, make it rain, bitch!”
I don’t know what’s giving me the creeps more: Justin Bieber’s “fuck me” face on the right, or his naughty “look who found a secret box of superhero costumes in the back of Mommy’s closet” stare on the left. You’re right, definitely BOTH. Let’s move on, I feel nauseous.
The 21-year-old patch of ratty hair growing on humanity’s upper lip was recently interviewed for Interview magazine by Martha Stewart (Martha, NO!), and once again
his PR team he’s reminding you that he’s not nearly as much of a useless little turd as he seems. Despite the fact that he became a full-time pop star at the age of 13, and that many of the life decisions he’s made in the past several years are similar to that of your dumbass high school dropout cousin, Justin Bieber claims he graduated high school. Not only that, Justin told Martha that he graduated with a 4.0 GPA. Uh huh.
Obviously the cynical bitch in me believes the only graduating Justin Bieber has ever done is from diapers to big boy pants, on account of all of his homework time being taken up by drag racing and smoking weed. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say he did graduate high school. I’m still side-eyeing that “4.0 GPA” business pretty hard. Case in point:
sunday comes after saturday? weird
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) March 19, 2011
He can’t even understand the days of the week. Either he completed the same not-school high school program as Jaden and Willow Smith, or he got that 4.0 by slipping 4.0 million dollars into his homeschool teacher’s checking account. Regardless, that smart 4.0 brain of his was clearly no match for Martha and her shade A-game:
“I have a picture of the three of us. Your mom’s in the middle, and you look about 10 years old, but you must’ve been 16 or 17 because that’s only about four years ago.”
Here’s more of Justin looking like a decoy for an American Horror Story cross-over episode of To Catch A Predator.
Chris Christie, the Governor of New Jersey and possible presidential candidate, played in a celebrity softball game for charity at Yankee Stadium yesterday and he answered the question, “What would it look like if a camel and a moose held hooves while watching a sunset together?” Chris Christie’s got the entire pedicure department of a zoo up in his baseball pants. That’s a camel toe/moose knuckle situation that could stop traffic on a bridge.
Usually, when you see someone with a crotch that looks like a tightly-wrapped soft fortune cookie, you take a picture for your Camel Toe and Moose Knuckle Hall of Fame scrapbook and then you wonder if anybody told them about the tangled mess that’s happening down below. Maybe somebody did tell Chris Christie that those tight baseball pants made his balls look like two newborn hamsters spooning. Maybe he didn’t care. Maybe his crotch looking like donkey lips blowing a kiss is his way of throwing shade at the Democrats.
If Chris Christie don’t care, he should put that on his campaign poster, because being proud of his juicy camel toe game is a selling point.
Pics: Getty, AP via The Superficial
No, you’re not looking at a blurry outtake from an engagement photo shoot between My Buddy and a Yasmin doll. It’s actually the swaggy kindergarten classroom hamster known as Justin Bieber making a surprise appearance during pocket-sized yodeling terror Ariana Grande’s show in Inglewood last night. I guess he had too much fruit punch backstage (sugar makes him hyperactive), because he started getting a little handsy with Ariana during their performance of “As Long As You Love Me”. Poor Ariana – it’s going to take at least 3 showers to wash the stank of Axe Jr. Lil’ Spritz off her skin.
Shortly after Justin Bieber started rubbing up on Ariana from behind, some people in the audience started doing the You In Danger, Girl shuffle, because Ariana is currently bumping parts with Big Sean. TMZ says shortly after this all happened, a tweet from Big Sean appeared on the internet that said: “That kid is about to learn not to touch my girl like that. Bieliebe that.” Of course, the tweet was later deleted, and a rep for Big Sean claims it was totally fake because apparently Big Sean and Justin Bieber are friends. Oh no, Big Sean, that’s the sort of thing you don’t admit out loud.
But that wasn’t even the most awkward part of the night, if you can beliebe it (yes I hate myself for typing that):
Okay Justin, we got it – you’re wearing big boy pants now. Put it away.
Here’s more of Justin working some sweet Kids Incorporated-approved moves at Ariana Grade’s show last night, as well as Ariana Grande looking like the grand marshal of a slutty figure skating costume parade:
“Oh, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy! Go into Granny’s purse and grab yourself a piece of candy. I hope you like sugar-free peppermints!” Although this is technically Madonna we’re talking about, so it was probably more like “How old are you? 21? Cool. Go into my phone and leave your contact info, k? And tell the other boy holding my phone that he’s been replaced.”
Madonna made an appearance on Ellen today to promote her latest album, and for some reason Justin Bieber was there too, because I guess Ellen DeGeneres is his after-school baby sitter now. Justin is still trying to show everyone he’s a good little boy, so instead of kicking his feet against his chair and groaning “THIS IS BOOOORING” while the adults talked, they kept him busy by playing a game of Never Have I Ever and talking about whether or not Madonna would date him. Warning: if you have a vivid imagination, the video below might cause your brain to start creating some truly not-right mental images.
Then after the show was over, she added 8 layers of NO to the situation by Instagramming a picture of Justin planting a pablum-scented kiss on her cheek backstage. Ew. I don’t know what’s grossing me out more; the thought of Justin Bieber pressing his lips into one of those cheek implants or the throbbing fame whore boner Madonna got after she realized how much social media attention she’d get from posting a picture of Justin Bieber mouth-humping her face.
But to be honest, if anything is going to fix Justin Bieber’s spoiled brat ways, it would be sending him to the real-life reform school that is dating Madonna. Madonna takes zero bullshit. I’d give him 2 weeks of not speaking till he’s spoken to and sitting back in coach with the capes before he finally breaks.
Kanye West is a spiked anal bead shoved up humanity’s culo, but we can still count on him to bring the HAHAHAs by making his waxed mannequin dress up doll Kim Kartrashians look like 10 pounds of messiness in a 2 pound sack by doing her up like a day-shift She-Hulk hooker. Thank you, Kanye!
Kuntye and Kummy Cakes went to a movie in Calabasas, CA today and nothing says “casual movie matinee” like a tight, backless bib shirt, dad jorts and suede heels. Since Kim’s mirror is covered with a thick layer of delusion and it constantly lies to her, she probably looked at it before leaving the house and saw this:
Kim wishes her jorts game was as piping hot and sexy as this beauty’s. Kim, leave jorts wearing to the true professionals who really know how to work it.
You know, if you took the Kartrashian out of that outfit, it would actually be kind of elegant, demure and sophisticated. A Kartrashian cheapens everything. If Shauna Sand was wearing that outfit it would like Coco Chanel designed it and sewed it onto Shauna’s body herself.