I know it’s redundant of me to even ask, because we all know that Sue Ellen Mischke from Seinfeld has, is, and forever will always work the bra-under-a-blazer look the best. But Amber Rose is coming in a very close second. We all know that Amber Rose has a habit of bringing ten tons of jaw-dropping eleganza to the MTV VMAs. Sometimes she goes straight-up stripper, other times she keeps it a little more demure. This year she went tasteful and sophisticated with just a hint of “Oh, these?”
MTV was really taking a risk by having everyone walk into the VMAs on a white carpet instead of a red one. It was an award show shot in HD, which means it wasn’t a shock to see some people strolling in with their faces covered in a 1/4 inch thick layer of foundation, concealer, powder, the shadow from 6 Morphe eye palettes, 18oz of lipstick, and an entire bottle of setting spray. There’s no way MTV would have gotten their damage deposit back if someone like Kim Kardashian were to trip and land face-first on that carpet. If Kim left a makeup imprint of her face on that carpet, you know the first thing she would have done was had it sent to her mom’s house with a note that said: “Possible $$$ opportunity. Call the rug from Aladdin and set up a camera.”
Thankfully MTV didn’t have to worry about any of that when Alicia Keys hit the white carpet, because her face was au naturel….kind of.
Former TSB (Taylor Swift Boyfriend) Calvin Harris won the MTV VMA for Best Male Video last night for “This Is What You Came For“, which is kind of funny, considering the video for “This Is What You Came For” is pretty much a glorified photoshoot starring Rihanna. Calvin couldn’t be there to accept his award in person because he was in the UK performing a show. Calvin did film an acceptance speech and he thanked everyone but a certain media-manipulating folk art doll, that is.
The last time Britney Spears performed at the MTV VMAs was during her Pink Wig Days in 2007 and her “sad stripper falling asleep against the pole in a truck stop bathroom at 9:30 on a weekday morning” performance left everyone with chunky layer of WTF on their faces. But with help from Daddy Spears’ cheese grits-covered ladle, Brit Brit has come a long way and made her triumphant return to the VMAs last night!
Drake looks cool on the outside, but you know on the inside he’s thinking, “She just touched my hand! I’m never going to wash it ever again.”
About three-quarters into the MTV VMAs last night, I started to get worried that Rihanna was never going to get that Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award they promised her. It felt like she just kept slinking on stage for more and more performances. Rihanna performed four medleys, which you can watch here. MTV let RiRi do whatever she wanted on stage, and she did. Sadly, she was denied a fifth performance that included RiRi smoking a giant joint while spraying her background dancers down with a fireman’s hose filled with champagne. But that’s probably because MTV needed to keep it moving and give her that moon man. Eventually she got her award, which of course was presented her by the President of the Rihanna Fan Club, Drake.
Those demonic cunt-hearted executives at Mylan Pharmaceuticals became even richer tonight when thousands upon thousands of members of the Behive needed to use several EpiPens after nearly stinging themselves dead when their Queen performed for what felt like 4 hours during the MTV VMAs.
Tonight on MTV was the BEYONCE EXTRAVAGANZA SHOW (featuring that awards show where they sometimes give out a moon man trophy) and she spent a chunk of time delivering a few songs from “Lemonade.” In the span of her entire performance, Beyonce did a few Illuminati rituals, re-enacted the Salem Witch Trials in its entirety and tried to lure Dracula out by presenting all of his brides.
Thanks for the “Lemonade,” Beyoncé.
Posted by MTV on Sunday, August 28, 2016
If you work with a hardcore member of the Beyhive expect them to call in dead tomorrow morning, because their Jesus’ performance killed them and it’s a little hard to go to work when they’re lying in a casket.
And here’s Beyonce wearing some kind of “Liberace as a Fraggle Rock” shit while posing with Blue Ivy Carter on the white carpet. If you turned these pictures of Beyonce upside down, it’d look like she’s coming out of a Muppet’s pussy.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty