Morrissey Has The Morrissey-iest Things To Say About Undergoing Cancer Treatment

Morrissey in the middle of a European tour and while talking to the Spanish newspaper El Mundo (via The Guardian) about his music and shows, he let it be known that he was treated for cancer after his doctors found cancerous tissue in his body. Since Morrissey is a human “Shit Happens And Then You Die” t-shirt hanging in a Hot Topic, he shrugged at cancer and said that if he dies, he dies. WHATEVER. Don’t expect some Fault Of Our Stars-like philosophy about cancer from Morrissey. Morrissey IS Rosa’s cancer treatment friend from Orange is the New Black:

“They have scraped cancerous tissue four times already, but, whatever. If I die, then I die. And if I don’t, then I don’t. Right now I feel good. I am aware that in recent photos of me I look somewhat unhealthy, but that’s what illness can do. I’m not going to worry about it. I’ll rest when I’m dead.”

Grumpy Cat’s idol added that he’s working on a novel right now and hopefully he can quit doing music and be a full-time writer:

“I’m now at an age when I should no longer be making music. Many composers of classical music died at 34. And I’m still here, and nobody knows what to do with me. With luck I will be able to stop singing forever, which would make many people happy.”

In the same interview, Morrissey goes full Morrissey by spitting on the British royal family, the Beckhams, bullfighting and King Juan Carlos for shooting an elephant during a big game hunt.

You know, I’m a little disappointed that Morrissey is throwing a “meh” at cancer. Morrissey hates everything and he never misses out on an opportunity to go on and on about how much he hates it. I expected him to tell cancer to eat shit and throw itself off of a cliff, and while it’s at it, take the British royal family, meat eaters, China, Jimmy Kimmel, the Duck Dynasty hillbillies, Paul McCartney, Elton John, Posh & Becks and (insert everything else that isn’t a vegan cat) with it.

Morrissey Writes A PETA-Approved Blog Post About Thanksgiving

A story about Human Grumpy Cat (aka Morrissey) is very fitting, since Thanksgiving is THE holiday dinner where a stoned cousin pulls you aside and tells you his college crazy Top 10 (“I bet you don’t know what the US Government is putting in Tylenol…”). In the event you don’t have a cousin Dave (“I go by Ras Dav now“) you can pretend that Morrissey is your cousin and Thanksgiving dinner is the first you’ve seen of him since he left for college and became a vegan/culture jammer/shrooms expert. So what would cousin Morrissey have to say about Thanksgiving dinner this year? Well, according to his blog True To You, first he’d give it a punny name:

Thankskilling

Please ignore the abysmal example set by President Obama who, in the name of Thanksgiving, supports torture as 45 million birds are horrifically abused; dragged through electrified stun baths, and then have their throats slit. And President Obama laughs. Haha, so funny!

As Ingrid Newkirk from PETA points out, turkey ‘meat’ is one of “our nation’s top killers”, causing heart-attacks and strokes in humans due to saturated animal fats and cholesterol. And President Obama laughs.

Further, the meat industry is responsible for 51% of human-caused greenhouse-gas emission, therefore the embarrassingly stupid White House ‘turkey pardon’ is open support for a viciously cruel and environmentally irresponsible industry.

And President Obama laughs.

Someone needs to start a Tumblr called “Morrisey or Debbie Downer“, where you post quotes from both and try to guess who said it. I can guarantee you it would be a more difficult game than Drunk Jeopardy (and Drunk Jeopardy is next-level, trust. Especially when you’re playing it by yourself).

But the real question is…what did Morrissey do before he could passionately queef out his crazy cuntisms on an internet blog? Did he publish some kind of photocopied newsletter? And if so, will they one day be collected into a book titled “Morrissey’s Bitchiest Brain Farts 1988-1997” (I would buy that book AND wait in a 2-hour line for him to sign it).

(Pic via Splash)

Morrissey Comes Out As A Humasexual

Seen above at a signing for his memoirs in Gothenburg, Sweden doing the same “Isn’t that special?” pose you did after reading the title of this post, Morrissey writes in his autobiography about how he wrapped his black heart (and other parts) around a dude named Jake Owen Walters for two years in the 90s. The excerpt from his memoirs called Autobiography about how he fell in love with a man made some people think it was his way of telling everyone that he loves dick as much as he hates the Royal familia. But on his site the other day, Morrissey let hos know that he’s not gay.

“Unfortunately, I am not homosexual. In technical fact, I am humasexual. I am attracted to humans. But, of course … not many”.

-MORRISSEY, Sweden, 19 October 2013.

“Humasexual” sounds like the name of someone who only gets hard for Huma Abedin. So the anti-Anthony Weiner, basically.

So what Morrissey’s trying to say is that he likes cock and clit, but he’s one of those bisexuals who is uncomfortable about being called bisexual, so he queefed up a made-up label that’s supposed to sound like a non-label. Okay, but I think the real shocking piece of news here is that Morrissey came out as an actual human being who is capable of feeling an emotion called love for another human being. Because up until now I figured he was just a humanized tragedy mask who only felt joy from cunt punting his Prince Charles doll over and over again.

Pics: Wenn.com

Morrissey Is Probably Going To Retire Soon

Prince William and Duchess Kate’s #1 fan Morrissey is down and out in Mexico after he was rushed to the hospital with internal bleeding and stayed there for five weeks. Morrissey has been struck down with the sicks for a while now and he says he was recently hospitalized for five weeks because of a bleeding ulcer, pneumonia and a throat condition called Barrett’s esophagus. Morrissey plans to rest in Mexico and he’s considering retiring so he can focus on his true passion: being the head boss of a gum-selling ring in Tijuana. Morrissey was kind of born to yell at kids to sell more chicles on the streets of Mexico.

Because Morrissey isn’t doing so well right now, he’s canceled his entire North American tour and is thinking about ending his singing career. During an interview with Mexican radio station Reactor 105.7 (via HuffPo), they asked Morrissey if all these health problems are making him consider retirement and he said, “I have been cautioned to, but it’s difficult for me because it’s very ingrained in me. It almost became absurd the number of things that happened to me, but everything just attacked me at once. The double pneumonia — everything was really a result of the fact I had lost so much blood, so the immune defenses were very, very low and couldn’t cope with anything, so therefore the slightest gust of wind and I would have a terrible cold.”

Somewhere in Buckingham Palace, THE QUEEN is softly caressing her corgis while a smug smile of victory appears on her face, because after weeks upon weeks of making one of her slaves (aka Fergie) sneak into Morrissey’s kitchen to sprinkle arsenic powder on his uncooked quinoa and kale chips, her mission has finally been accomplished. Morrissey’s cunt genes will really explode when he finds out that THE QUEEN bought that arsenic powder with her dole money. Bleehehehehehehhehe!

Morrissey Comes For The “Peckhams”

The talking pimple permanently stuck on The Queen’s ass lips has left Kate Middleton alone on her birfday and has decided to aim his rusty shank at Posh and David Beckham instead. The highly esteemed Loaded Magazine (via DM) walked up to Morrissey’s front porch and asked him to take a minute from yelling at the clouds, the garden hoses, the children, the flies, the air and the sunshine to talk about the current state of Britain. If you’re ever lacking in Vitamin Cunt, ask Morrissey about his country and he will give you a year’s supply. Morrissey went off and this time his rant was directed at the Beckhams. Or the “Peckhams” (after a shady area in London) as Moz calls them.

‘I’d… have the Peckhams dragged to the edge of the village and flogged because they are insufferable to anyone of intelligence, and they actively chase the paparazzi. We don’t seem to realise that David and Victoria Peckham will soon be back and god forbid they will be bestowed with titles Sir and Lady Peckham, this is what’s wrong with this country, we don’t seem to care. Football often seems to me to have no meaning whatsoever other than just to be there. It can’t be elevated any higher because so many footballers are paid £200,000 a week, yet couldn’t identify a harp.”

Morrissey missed his calling. Since he’s happiest when he’s bitching, moaning and working out his cunt muscle until its sore, he should’ve been a gossip blogger or an internet commenter. In his next life, maybe!

Here’s Morrissey on Letterman last night and I’m disappointed that he didn’t end this performance by tearing up a picture of Posh & Becks while shouting, “Fight the REAL enemy!”

The Royals Are To Blame For Nurse Jacintha’s Suicide, So Says Morrissey

YAASS! I’ve been waiting for Morrissey’s thoughts on Duchess Kate’s pregnancy and condition, because he loves the British royal family so much that he dresses up like Queen Elizabeth when he jacks off to a picture of Prince Philip. Morrissey is a natural born cunt, but he turns his cuntiness all the way up when it comes to the royal family and he hasn’t disappointed me this time.

According to Morrissey, if Duchess Kate wasn’t a STUNT PRINCESS who only checked herself into the hospital for attention, those Australian DJs never would’ve pranked the hospital and Nurse Jacintha would still be alive today. Prince William, Queen Elizabeth and Duchess Kate should all be charged with murder and sent to the gallows! For the record, Prince William and Duchess Kate put out a statement about how sad they were about Nurse Jacintha’s death, but it’s not enough for Morrissey! Morrissey mouth farted out this mess of words to New Zealand’s 3News (via USA Today):

“There’s no blame placed on Kate Middleton, who was in that hospital, as far as I can see, for absolutely no reason. She feels no shame about the death of this woman. The arrogance of the British royals is … absolutely staggering. Why it’s allowed to be, I really don’t know.”

Morrissey then squinted his eyes about Kate’s health:

“Is it anorexia or is it pregnancy? … I mean, morning sickness already? So much hoo haw and then suddenly as bright as a button as soon as this poor woman dies she’s out of hospital? It doesn’t ring true. [The Palace is to blame for putting] maximum pressure on this poor woman, and of course, that’s kept away from the press. Certainly in England … one cannot say anything against them.”

Oh Morrissey, keep being you, keep being you. I’m actually surprised that Queen Elizabeth hasn’t called MI6 and told them to take care of Morrissey. She probably has, but every time 007 tries to off Morrissey, Morrissey goes on and on about how James Bond is Queen Elizabeth’s butt boy and a disgrace to England and blah blah blah… James Bond rolls his eyes, gives up and goes to the pub instead.

Every time Morrissey hates on the royal family, one of the Queen’s corgis shits on a wee wee pad with his face on it.