Mo’Nique may be an Oscar winner, but her most prized trophy is probably the lifetime achievement award she got from the Don’t Give A Fuck Society. If Lee Daniels ever does a sequel to Precious called Precious II: Preciouser, Oprah will probably be the one wearing a tracksuit as Mary, because Mo’Nique blew up that bridge and buried its ashes in a grave at the bottom of the ocean. Mo’Nique’s jaw bone must be a next-level kind of strong, because she worked it out while going off on how Lee Daniels told her that she wasn’t getting good roles after winning the Oscar for Precious because she was blackballed for being difficult to work with. Mo’Nique says she was supposed to play Cookie in Lee Daniels’ Empire and the role that Oprah played in The Butler was originally hers.
Lee also supposedly told Mo’Nique that she didn’t play the game. He also pretty much confirmed to The Hollywood Reporter in 2015 that he’s fucking done with Mo’Nique professionally. But Mo’Nique isn’t done calling him out and this weekend, she also dragged Oprah and Tyler Perry into it. I raise my hands and praise any David who goes up against one Goliath (let alone three), but even I’m dropping my arms so that I can use one hand to cup Mo’Nique ear and say, “Err, I don’t know if you want to find yourself acting alongside Mr. Fluffy in a kitty litter commercial.”
I brought this up during the Ben Affleck and his Fatal Attraction ass nanny ESCANDALO. One of my favorite parts of Mo’Nique’s set in Queens of Comedy is when she goes on about how she hired a housekeeper when she got some money and she specifically wanted to hire a housekeeper who had teeth like a hillbilly meth head, a body like a grapefruit and hair like a dying Chia Pet. Mo’Nique basically wanted to hand Sloth from Goonies a feather duster and hire him as her housekeeper, because she didn’t want her then-husband to get any ideas.
Well, Mo’Nique’s philosophy on that shit has changed. Since then, Mo’Nique married a new dude, Sidney Hicks, and has talked before about how she’s not going to immediately call the Divorce Lawyer Queen of Hollywood Laura Wasser if she found out her man’s dick made its way into another trick’s poon. Mo’Nique talked about it again with TrueExclusives.com (via E!) and said that her husband has a “free pass to cheat” as long as he says to her, “Listen, my dick is like a canary and it’s feeling a little caged in, so it wants to fly into another pussy for just one night, or maybe two, okay?”
In case you haven’t been keeping up on this feud between Mo’Nique and the director of Precious Lee Daniels, let me try to give you the Cliffs Notes version. Mo’Nique told The Hollywood Reporter that not too long ago, she was told by Lee Daniels that she’s been blackballed by Hollywood for not playing the game (aka not sucking enough ass). Mo’Nique said that she was supposed to be in Empire and the role that Oprah played in The Butler was hers, but Lee snatched that shit away from her. Lee responded to Mo’Nique’s blackballed claim by basically confirming that she’s been blackballed by him. Mo’Nique kept the fight going by saying that she thinks Lee Daniel’s b-hole got twisted when she didn’t thank him by name during her Oscar speech. She also said that he offered her the role of Cookie in Empire (insert CookieIsNotAmused.GIF here). Empire’s co-creator Danny Strong said on Twitter that the role of Cookie was always meant for Taraji P. Henson. Mo’Nique clapped back once again by claiming she has e-mails proving she was offered that role. This shit is more melodramatic than that scene in Precious where Mo’Nique ruins a perfectly good TV by dropping it on Gabourey Sidibe in that stairwell.
Lee Daniels has stayed quiet since farting up that response to Mo’Nique, but she’s not done. Mo’Nique took her “I WILL NOT BE BLACKBALLED” tour to TMZ yesterday. Mo’Nique told Harvey Levin that she didn’t get the role of Cookie because FOX was told that she’s as difficult as an incontinent shark (I don’t know what that means either). Mo’Nique is not afraid of Lee Daniels even though he is a power player in Hollywood.
Stop the madness, Mo’Nique!
Part of me thinks that is a STUNT QUEEN stunt and if that’s not the case, then she needs to hit the brakes on this shit. At this point, it seems like only Lee Daniels’ dramatic ass has “blackballed” her, but if she keeps going, the only job offer she’ll get is to join the cast of Bowling with the Stars in Greenland. If she put as much blood, sweat, tears and drama into her Oscar campaign as she is into this campaign against Lee Daniels, she might not have bitches mad at her. And I’m sure Lee Daniels is going to turn this whole saga into a show called Blackballed and he’ll offer Mo’Nique the role of Mo’Nique before snatching it away and giving it to Oprah.
When Mo’Nique won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar in 2010 for Precious, she used her time on stage to throw two burning hot side-eyes at the Oscar campaign game by thanking the Academy for showing that it can be about the performance and not about politics. During Oscar campaign time, Mo’Nique didn’t go to many events and she refused to use her lips to suck on the ass flaps of voters to get that trophy in her hands. She was the anti-Benedict Cumberbatch. After her win, all the doors she thought were going to open up because of her win never opened. And just a few months ago she was told by Lee Daniels, the director of Precious, that if Hollywood was John Travolta, then she’d big a big old pussy, because nobody wants to touch her.
Maybe the Purecaf I inject directly into my temples every morning has yet to hit my brain, but is that a fresh field of stubble on Mo’Nique’s legs at the Oscar nomination ceremony in Beverly Hills this morning? Mo’Nique has long been a champion for the “FUCK RAZORS“ movement, so there must be a good reason for why she let a lady BIC scoot against her body. And by a “good reason” I mean A CHECK with a bountiful amount of zeros on it. I’d like to think that Mo’Nique didn’t make it easy. They had to hold Mo’Nique down on a sticky bed of NADS, play Jewel’s “Intuition“ backwards and threaten her with an Epilator if she didn’t let them shave her legs.
About that Epilator, one day we’ll have to talk about all the unfortunate experiences I’ve had with that devil tool. But I don’t know if we’ll ever get to have that conversation. The world is definitely changing for the worst now that Mo’Nique is no longer shampooing and conditioning her leg fur every evening.
This weekend in Los Angeles, there’s going to be an award show held every damn half hour. I think Denny’s is giving out their Rooty Tooty Fresh In Movies Awards this afternoon (hosted by Kirstie Alley’s nutritionist). Last night was the Independent Spirit Awards, which honors independent spirits or some shit.
Precious was the big (no pun intended) last night picking up a million awards for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress for Gabourey Sidibe, Best Supporting Actress for Mo’nique, Best Screenplay, and Best Performance By A Plate of Hairy Pig’s Feet (which surprisingly did not go to Mimi). Unfortunately, those dumb bitches didn’t give a nod to Mimi’s stache, which was the real star of that movie. However, Mimi still showed up to sprinkle her Hello Kitty ho-ness all over the event….and because she heard the bottle pop.
Other awards went to Jeff Bridges in Cray-Cray Heart for Best Actor and Woody Harrelson in The Messenger for Best Supporting Actor.
And now for pictures! In order: Mimi, Maggie GyllenSAAG with Peter Sarsgaard, Pierce Brosnan with his wife Keely, Roger Ebert with his wife Chaz, The Beaver Director Jodie Foster (that’s her new full name now), Mo’nique (and her furry caterpillar stems) with her husband Sidney, Carey Mulligan, Gabourey Sidibe, Mena Suvari, Lenny Kravitz with his daughter Zoe, Jason Stackhouse from True Blood, Jennifer Grey (A MESS), John Waters and Jeff Bridges.