Monica Lewinsky wrote a #MeToo-themed essay for Vanity Fair for the 20th anniversary of Kenneth Starr’s 1998 investigation of Bill Clinton. The sight of #MeToo might have made you just brace yourself for the thought of Bill Clinton asking for a massage while wearing only the Presidential bathrobe, but it’s not like that. Monica’s essay is all about the trauma and PTSD she suffered after being dragged through the media.
Break Out Your Cum-Stained Gap Dress, Because “American Crime Story” May Take On The Clinton/Lewinsky Sex Scandal
American Crime Story’s second season, which is about the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, hasn’t even started shooting yet but Ryan Murphy is already looking beyond season two. The third season of ACS will follow sociopath killer Andrew Cunanan (and thank all the gods for Ryan not casting Lady Gaga as Donatella Versace), and it looks like the fourth season may take us back to the days of cigar sex, lies and berets.
Almost three years ago, human jewel Tim Curry had a major stroke that left him in a bad way. Since then, humanity has been asking “Where the hell is Tim Curry to show these bitches how it’s really done?” and I think I asked that question out loud while watching Christopher Walken in NBC’s Peter Pan Live! Tim Curry has been laying low and recovering with the help of physical therapy. At last night’s Actors Fund Tony Awards Viewing Party in Los Angeles, Tim Curry rolled onto the red carpet to receive a lifetime achievement award for his contributions to making ass lips pucker by swishing, swaying and serving pure talent in Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Worst Witch, etc… etc…
Tim, who’s my favorite age (69), still has to use a wheelchair to get around, but he told Los Angeles Magazine during an interview about his lifetime achievement award from the Actors Fund that he’s doing okay.
Since your stroke you have made limited public appearances. How are you doing and are you looking forward to the Actors Fund event?
I’m doing well and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve done a few benefits for the Actors Fund and I think it’s a marvelous organization. I hope not to have to use it.
How important is your sense of humor to you?
Vital. Absolutely vital. It’s not tough to maintain. It is just part of my DNA.
When I woke up this morning, I saw all these headlines about how Tim Curry was honored at the Tonys. I drunkenly watched every single second of the Tonys (because as a gay dude who once lived in NYC I like to play a game of “Oh Shit, My Friend Totally Blew That One Chorus Boy In A Gay Bar Bathroom” while watching it) and I didn’t remember Tim Curry showing up at all. I almost looked up information for the nearest AA group, because I obviously have a problem if booze ate my memory of seeing a legend like Tim Curry at the Tonys. But after injecting coffee directly into my brain, I realized he was at a Tony viewing party. Tim should’ve been at the actual Tonys, though. They should’ve cut that ship wreck of a Finding Neverland performance and let Tim sing a Rocky Horror/Annie/The Worst Witch/Spamalot medley as he descended from above in his wheelchair. That’s what the Tonys needed.
Here’s a few more pictures of Tim Curry at the Actors Fund Tony Viewing Party. I also threw in a million pictures from the actual Tonys of Bernadette Peters, Chita Rivera and other Broadway legends like Gigi Hadid, Ashley Greene and that model who got naked in a Robin Thicke video.
As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.
Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.
I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.
And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).
When whatever is left of your purse line is sitting under a layer of dust in a cardboard box on the top shelf in the stock room of a Filene’s Basement in Rockland, Maryland, it’s time to pay for your Brazilian blowout bills by opening your mouth about the time you opened your mouth on the Commander-in-peen.
Monica Lewisnky’s immunity deal stopped her from barfing out all the details of her time with Bill Clinton’s peen, but that agreement expired over 10 years ago and so she’s been quietly trying to find out how much money she can get for a tell-all. The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that when Monica asked,”How big of a check can I get for writing my memoirs, which I’m going to title either ‘A Million Little Cum Stains On My Blue Dress’ or ‘Tuesdays with Whorrie’“, one publisher apparently told her she can get up to $12 million. So suddenly the world calling you Humidor Crotch doesn’t seem that bad. Some source put it like this:
“Monica has tried to move forward, but the nightmare of her affair with Bill still haunts her. She’s facing 40 without a man in her life, and seething about the way her reputation was destroyed as the whole world watched.
Monica wrote the letters on her computer. In them, she opened her heart about her love for Bill and how much happier she could make him than Hillary. Some of what she wrote was so raw that she never sent them.
With Bill’s history of heart problems, her book could be more than just revenge, it could kill him! For years, Monica tried to protect Bill out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, but she no longer feels that way, and her memoir is his worst nightmare.
After testing the waters through publishing contacts, Monica learned she could get $12 million if she recounted every juicy detail of the scandal.”
I’ve always wondered why Monica Lewinsky hasn’t written a tell-all for millions of dollars. My guess was that she wanted to respect Bill and wanted to distance herself from the whole mess. But fuck that slut Bill with a cigar and fuck distance. How many of us can say that 15 years after we sucked some peen, someone offered us 12 million dollars to talk about sucking said peen? The only thing I’ve gotten for sucking some peen is a waiting list appointment at the free clinic and an indistinguishable sore. Monica’s got the Midas tongue and she’s my new American hero.
And to promote her tell-all, Monica should do a cover of this classic masterpiece.