Mischa Barton’s lawyer Lisa Bloom is the daughter of Gloria Allred, and as everybody knows by now, Gloria Allred is known for her legendary press conferences. Well, like mother, like daughter. Lisa too holds press conferences with her celebrity clients. And yesterday, she held one to talk about how she plans to track down the evil doers behind Mischa Barton’s sex tape. Lisa is going to bring them to their knees and make them scream for their mommy as they gouge their own eyes out because they can’t take her blazing glare of rage. Once again, Lisa Bloom is Liam Neeson in Taken and Liam Neeson in Taken is Lisa Bloom. Don’t fuck with her.
Within the past couples of months, Mischa Barton has been going through it again. First, Mischa was shuffled off to the hospital after losing it in the backyard of her West Hollywood apartment. (Mischa later claimed that she was drugged with GHB.) Then, Mischa crashed a U-Haul into a carport after moving out of her apartment. And now, Mischa is trying to kill a sex tape starring her.
Social justice warrior Mischa Barton received the most press she’s gotten in awhile (since her character on The O.C. Marissa Cooper got run off the road and croaked) when she was hospitalized for psychiatric evaluation on January 26th.
The police rolled up on birthday girl Mischa’s apartment in West Hollywood at 7:15 AM on Thursday morning to investigate reports of a “disturbance.” Their official report stated that they found a “fully clothed” Mischa Barton “speaking in coherent statements.” She went to the hospital voluntarily. There’s a very good chance that Mischa didn’t snap her tether. Police might have just questioned a “fully clothed” Mischa’s sanity due to whatever she was wearing at the time.
Since we’ve already brought you one traumatic tale of the trials and tribulations of a bright shining A-lister in the universe, I’ll bring you another one.
Mischa Barton was the second one knocked out of the 22nd season of Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases and just like the viewers who watched her attempts at dancing, she screamed out a hallelujah after she was told to jazz walk off the plank. Mischa always looks miserable in the mug, but on DWTS, she really had DMV face (the face you make while waiting at the DMV) and a wet branch has better dancing skills than her. On DWTS, Mischa’s facial expressions were set to “Kristen Stewart taking a shower,” and on the inside she was “Kristen Stewart taking a looong shower.” It was agony for her and she hated every kick ball change.
Last night, amfAR’s annual Cinema Against AIDS Gala happened in Cannes, and Katy Perry showed up looking like the mother of the bride if the bride was the red dress cha cha dancing emoji. I’m sure Katy’s dress is very ~expensive~ and is handcrafted from only the finest of materials, but for some reason it’s setting off my Michaels craft store radar. “‘For some reason” – listen to me, acting like it has nothing to do with the $80 worth of silk peony petals attached to her body.
I used to be obsessed with fake flowers. Maybe it was because I watched so much Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous while my 6-year-old brain was still developing. Although I have no idea what episode triggered by silk flower obsession. My obsession with wigs, however – that definitely happened during the Raquel Welch episode. Regardless of when it happened, I used to collect fake flowers and I thought they were so glamorous and high class. Placing a single plastic-stemmed rose on my book shelf truly added an instant touch of elegance to my collection of Baby-Sitters Club books. So as much as I want to laugh at Katy’s dress and make a joke about how it looks like something that was stolen out of a repurposed Snapple bottle vase in the bathroom of a budget banquet hall, I just can’t. My love of fake flowers won’t let me.
Here’s more of Katy Perry, and everyone else who was at the amfAR Gala. Thanks to Uma Thurman, we now know what it would look like if Day-To-Night Barbie quit her job to focus solely on the Night part.
The Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases cast was announced this morning, which means it’s that time when our heads barf up a stream of questions marks while reading the names of the bright shining A-listers who will bust out a lukewarm mambo for a check. ABC already announced that next season’s cast includes Ginger Zee (which sounds like the name of my second favorite malt liquor of the 90s) of Good Morning America, topless selfie adonis Geraldo Rivera, Donald Trump’s second trophy wife Marla Maples and Stephanie Tanner (born name: Jodie Lee Ann Sweetin) who is seen above with a new face courtesy of Photoshop. ABC announced the rest of the cast today and they also confirmed that Mischa Barton can finally pay her car note, because bitch is finally getting a check!
Compared to past seasons, the season 22 cast of DWTS is like the goddamn Oscars to me. I recognized most of the names. My brain activated the “Google that bitch, you dumbfuck” switch only 3 times and they were all sports people. That maaaaay be a record. Let’s see how you do: