As if you couldn’t tell by the picture above of Mariah Carey holding hands while strolling along some street in Italy like an assonnato farfalla principessa (sleepy butterfly princess), she has a new man in her life. And that man is Miranda Kerr’s former billionaire boyfriend James Packer. Yes, the same dude who once got into a sloppy front lawn fight with another billionaire over Miranda Kerr. Eh, still an upgrade from Brett Ratner.
Speaking of, TMZ says that Mariah and James (who I’d love to call Meatpacker, but I won’t) met through Brett Ratner. Sources say that James was really into Mariah, and started “pursuing” her for months. So basically, he sent a million Hello Kitty bouquets to her house, and when that didn’t work, he sent her a picture of his billionaire bank account balance. Since Mariah knows that pairs of pure gold Spanx don’t grow on trees, she agreed to go on a date. TMZ says Mariah and James are staying on his yacht, which is currently in Capri, Italy. After Capri, they’re going to Cannes and St. Tropez. Then they’ll swing by Jennifer Lopez’s beach house so she can shout, “HAHAHAHAHA! I’M FUCKING A BILLIONAIRE, BITCH,” through a megaphone.
Mariah’s not due back in Las Vegas until July 11th, but now that she’s a billionaire’s girlfriend, do we think she’ll even go back to Las Vegas? Her life is all champagne kisses and caviar-flavored Ambien naps now. She doesn’t need those paltry pennies from Vegas. She can get a real unicorn if she wants. I know unicorns don’t technically exist, but I’m sure James can get one. Billionaires always have access to weird shit like that.
Paris Fashion Week is happening right now (RIGHT NOW! GET IN THE CHOPPAH!), which means that lots of famous hos have flown to France for the week. Obviously when there are that many famous people in one place, you’re bound to bump into someone you share a penis ride or two with. For example, the most common words spoken backstage at every fashion show are “You let Leo DiCaprio drunk-bang you on a yacht too?” And sometimes if you’re really lucky, there’s a photographer close by to capture the awkward moment two side-pieces are forced to pretend they don’t totally hate each other’s guts. Like on Wednesday, when toddler-faced panty model Miranda Kerr ran into toddler-faced singer Selena Gomez at the Louis Vuitton show. It’s like the basic bitch fetus-faced version of “The Boy Is Mine“!
In case you’ve forgotten, shit is toddler-tense because Miranda once maybe-humped on come-to-life teen ‘stache Justin Bieber while he was maybe still with Selena, so she decided to get revenge by maybe-humping on Miranda’s ex-husband Orlando Bloom. Then Orlando tried to fight Justin at a club in Ibiza. Basically it was a four-way loser square of losers (especially Orlando, who should have gone into witness protection after getting involved with this trash). But just like every bad decision that comes back to haunt your ass, Justin and Orlando’s former drama-starting side-pieces crossed paths in Paris. And God sent us an angel from Heaven to capture it forever, because God is clearly real and loves us very much. The only thing that would have been better is if Justin (who is in Paris right now) had been at the Louis Vuitton show too, but he was too busy punching paps like the spoiled baby shitbag he is.
Besides, he probably would have been too smitten with the toddler-face in the middle (aka Odeya Rush from The Giver) to even notice Miranda and Selena. “Scooter! Bring my Power Wheels around to the front of the hotel and have the good people at Charles E. Fromage prepare my table with their most expensive bottle of sparkling grape juice. I believe I’ve found a new fetus-faced angel to woo.”
Here’s more of Selena and Miranda before their show-down at the LV show:
The story of the beautiful-faced delicate porcelain elf figurine Orlando Bloom scrappin’ with ass tampon Justin Bieber is already a pile of ridiculousness, but more layers of weird keep being added to it. When TMZ first reported this mess, they said that Orlando was the one who started it by throwing a failed punch at the Biebs’. A second later, it was reported that the less butch Anybodys from West Side Story started it by spitting out the line, “She (Miranda Kerr) was good,” when Orlando Bloom walked by his table. Now, former Spanish journalist (aren’t we all former Spanish journalists?) Anastasia Skolkova tells The Mirror (via The Daily Mail) that Orlando and the Biebs fought twice and practically everyone was on Team Legolas except for the Biebs’ bodyguards who are paid to pretend they are on his team even though they were probably clapping for Orlando on the inside.
A bunch of famous whores, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan and Diddy, were at Cipriani’s in Ibiza that morning and when the junior high school cafeteria fight broke out, they all took their places on Orlando’s side. Anastasia claims that Leonardo clapped for Orlando and Lindsay Lohan laughed at the Biebs. Even though Leo has probably been on Miranda Kerr’s Kewpie doll poon, it makes sense for him to clap for Orlando, because he hates the Biebs more than pizza. Anastasia put it like this:
“Justin said something when he came in which was aimed at Orlando, who then jumped onto a sofa to try and get at Justin. When Orlando punched Bieber, everyone started clapping. Lindsay was laughing. It was amazing. The whole table he and DiCaprio were on were clapping. Afterwards, I don’t know if people were congratulating Orlando or trying to calm him down. When security saw that when they got separated, Bieber and Orlando tried to punch each other again, security were like, ‘Bieber came, Bieber provoked this fight’, so they took his hands behind his back and took him away from the restaurant.”
I’m a little disappointed that Leonardo didn’t finish the Biebs off by knocking that trick down with one of his hot Kung-Fu kicks. Leo probably figured it was wrong for him to get involved in a fight between two delicate and fragile woodland nymphs.
This story just keeps getting more bizarre. I’m sure that by Monday someone will report that Orlando shot Justin Bieber in the face with an arrow and afterward, Tupac gave him a victory fist bump and as he was walking out, Elvis pat him on the back while sitting on a unicorn that whistled out the Rocky theme song.
And when Lindsay Lohan laughs at you, you have officially found the crawlspace under Hell’s basement. You’ve fallen so low and so hard that not even Life Alert can save you.
Here’s Orlando dealing with the humiliation of punching at the Biebs and missing by hugging on Erica Packer on a yacht in Formentera, Spain. Erica is the ex-wife of Australian billionaire James Packer who Miranda Kerr has been doing for a while, but who isn’t Miranda Kerr doing?
In a blog post written for her skincare like, Kora Organics, toddler-faced supermodel Miranda Kerr says in “My Morning Beauty Routine” (via Daily Mail) that she’s often asked how it’s possible for a genetic lottery winner to look so effortlessly gorgeous day after day. She claims that from the moment she pulls her giant bobble head off the pillow in the morning, it takes her about as much time as it takes me to choose whether I want to eat my breakfast cereal out of a bowl or just pour it directly into my mouth before she’s ready to step out the door and greet the crowd of paps she hired to wait outside her apartment:
“I usually have very little time in the mornings, especially with a toddler, so with these simple skin and beauty steps I can get out the door in 15 minutes.”
So what does Miranda do in those 15 minutes? Fucking EVERYTHING. She begins her day by squeezing half a lemon into a glass of warm water (how very GOOP of you, Miranda), dry brushing her entire body like a damn show pony, takes a shower, applies body lotion and a bunch of face shit, styles her hair, applies makeup, gets dressed in clothes that aren’t sweatpants or a casual muumuu, presses a bunch of veggies into the juicer, chugs it, then – VOILA! Miranda Kerr is done, and still has time left over to watch Hoda and Kathie Lee get day drunk on the 4th hour of the Today show.
For those of you who spend your first 15 minutes in the morning trying to pee without falling asleep on the toilet, this probably seems like total bullshit. But I totally believe her; Miranda has to get out there and start hunting billionaires! 15 minutes is probably generous; I bet that once she catches the scent of money, she’s out the door in 60 seconds.
Here’s more of Miranda heading to the airport looking like she only had 15 minutes to get ready:
Take it away, Michael Bluth! Toddler-faced supermodel (yes ladies, it hurt me to type that) and shameless money hunter Miranda Kerr was the subject of a knock-down, drag-out brawl in the middle of the street on Sunday. According to The Daily Mail, the fight happened outside the home of one of Kerr’s current fuck pieces, billionaire businessman and amateur Shrek impersonator James Packer.
It all started when James’s best friend since childhood, billionaire businessman David Gyngell, showed up at his house in Sydney to confront him over his decision to leave his wife of nearly 7 years for the billionaire bloodhound. The two started arguing, which naturally turned into punching, then full-on fighting on the front lawn in their sweatpants. Thank god there was a pap lurking nearby in the bushes, because The Daily Mail has some truly beautiful pictures of those two middle-aged rich assholes rassling around like children. Eventually the two were pulled apart by bodyguards and were each fined $500 by police for ‘offensive behavior’.
I know these two dudes have enough money to buy all of us 6 times over, but fighting in your sweatpants on your front lawn is the definition of TRASH. And all because James wanted to remove his married dick from his wife and stick it in Miranda Kerr? Good lord. By the way, Florida would like a word with you, James and David. Showing up at your best friend’s house on a Sunday afternoon in a pair of sweatpants and kicking their ass on the front lawn over a girl who makes a living taking pictures in her underwear is kind of their thing.
When Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr announced they were splitting back in October, the internet exploded into a pile of solved blind items about who Miranda was passing her married pussy to, one of which was Justin Bieber. I never really believed those two did anything more than watch an episode or two of Go Diego Go! and shared a Go-Gurt (because they both look like toddlers, get it?). But since 90% of people believe Justin cheated on Selena Gomez by putting his wee-wee in Miranda’s bony box, and Miranda herself did say she’s also into girls, so I’ll take that as enough evidence that they did in fact fuck (but I refuse to picture what it looked like because I don’t want Chris Hansen showing up at my door).
Now, Orlando and Selena could easily chalk the whole thing up to “Sluts will be sluts” and move on to greener, less assholey pastures, but TMZ says that they’re getting back at their exes by humping on each other. Revenge is a dish best served jizzy. The two were spotted hanging out at a Chelsea Handler concert on Saturday night, but the second a pap went to take their picture, Orlando got a major case of deer-in-the-headlights and tried to split. This isn’t the first time they’ve hung out either; Selena posted a picture to Instagram of her getting close with Orlando at an event last month.
I know that taking a picture with someone doesn’t automatically mean you’re dating (if that were the case, I’d be dating all my friend’s cats) so I don’t think these two are humping on each other, even if Selena is totally his type (brunette, toddler face). He probably got scurred and ran off because he didn’t want anyone to know he had tickets to see Chelsea Handler (that’s the kind of embarrassing you don’t ever want to get out).
Shortly after Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom took a lit match to the pile of dry leaves that was their 3-year marriage, I assumed that horny Kewpie doll would do a bony bootyshake for joy and pull up a seat at the all-you-can pound peen buffet, hopping from dick to dick like a gold-digging grasshopper. She started out strong, bagging herself a billionaire (a billionaire with a face that says “Thank jeebus I’ve got a gold-dipped dick”). And in a recent interview with British GQ, it sounds Miranda has developed a strategy to keep bagging bigger and better billionaires. Hint: it involves turning fuck-times into an analytical research-gathering session:
“I always ask for a critique on my performance. I always want to better myself in every way.”
The only thing worse than a chatty cathy fuck partner who won’t stop asking for approval during sex (“Is that good? What about that? On a scale of 1 to 10…”) is one who won’t shut up about it afterwards. At least during you can try to tune them out by playing the Dr. Mario theme or pretend they suffer from some rare yapping disease that’s triggered by fucking. But once it’s all done, it’s like a race against time to bust your ass to the bathroom before they sit you down for a performance evaluation. “If you’ll take a look at page 3 of the package I just handed to you, you’ll see a diagram. Please label it with the corresponding adjective, as well as a brief statement of pleasure.”
Here’s more of Miranda in British GQ. Some of the shots might be considered a little NSFW if you work at the sort of place where it’s a no-no to look at the nipples and bony buttcrack of a come-to-life Bubble Belles doll:
Pics: British GQ
Well, I guess you throw that whole “working on mah marriage” thing in the trash when a billionaire starts cumming solid gold coins on your chichis. Just five weeks after Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom announced that they were done doing each other for now, Woman’s Day magazine (via SMH) says that she’s spinning on the diamond-encrusted platinum peen of Shrek-looking ass gambling tycoon James Packer, who is worth around $7 billion.
James is also going through some divorce shit with his wife of 6 years and the mother of his three kids. James and his wife Erica broke up barely three months ago. A source says that James and Miranda have only started dating recently, but they’ve known each other for a while and their families have gone on vacations together. Miranda, Orlando and their kid Flynn spent some time in Tahiti with the Packers last year. James Packer’s spokeswhore wouldn’t say shit about this.
James Packer is somewhat of a star fucker and he became a Scientologist after he got friendly with Tommy Girl. He quit Scientology in 2005 after his dad died.
Miranda Kerr’s checking account is filled to the top with millions of dollars, but why fly first class to some island for vacation when you can fly on your private drone to a private island your billionaire boyfriend bought your ass? Yes, Orlando Bloom’s face is so pretty that you just want to sit on it, but James Packer’s face becomes sort of pretty when you picture it as a giant, gold, sparkly dollar sign. Blow a goodbye air kiss at Orlando’s pretty face and climb that ladder, you shameless bitch.
Here’s Miranda, Orlando and their kid in NYC a few nights ago.
Miley Cyrus’ name hasn’t dropped out of the internet’s mouth for about a minute, so in order to get hos talking about her again, she grabbed a box of Sally Hansen stache bleach, smeared it all over her brows and waited until she looked like an albino leopard gecko on Oxy and meth. (SPOILER ALERT: The albino leopard gecko works the “no brows” look better.)
Both Lily Allen and Miranda Kerr did Miley’s dirty work for her by Instagramming pictures of them next to her looking like a pimple on a bleached anus. Miley bleached her brows for a photo shoot and you can let your retinas know that they can stop hyperventilating, because the shoot wasn’t with Uncle Terry. Although, I have heard that a quick way to get the “no brows” look is to let Uncle Terry bust a cottage cheese cum load on your face. Your brow hairs will jump ship before the first drop leaves his peen slit. Other symptoms of getting an Uncle Terry facial include the permanent loss of eyesight, dignity and the ability to stop heaving.
Being a major fan of eyebrows and all the beauty they bring, I’m not usually into the Clorox or no brows look, but some have pulled it off beautifully (see: the albino leopard gecko, Voldemort, aliens, that Dragon Tattoo chick (the American one), out-of-drag drag queens and morning cholitas without their brows drawn on yet). But this bitch can’t pull this off. This looks like a still from The Hills Have TONGUES. Bitch looks like some kind of mutant backwoods cave creature that only feeds on meth, dead bats and human organs. Cyst, come and get your daughter.
But on a positive note, at least her brows match her furry, nasty tongue now.
BREAKING NEWS: Miranda Kerr May Or May Not Photoshop Pictures of Herself Before Posting Them To Instagram
“Which tool do I use to erase Alessandra Ambrosio’s fat ass out of this picture? Is it Blur or Clone Stamp?” – Miranda Kerr
The Daily Mail must have pulled Woodward and Bernstein out of retirement and had detectives on this case for months now, because they’ve finally broken a real ESCANDALO news story that’s about to shatter everything you know about the modelling world. According to a real eagle-eyed reporter at The Daily Mail, there’s evidence that former Victoria’s Secret model and full-time hongray-looking Kewpie Doll Miranda Kerr Photoshops pictures of herself to look slimmer before posting them to Instagram.
Suspicions were confirmed when Kerr posted an edited picture of herself, along with Doutzen Kroes and Alessandra Ambrosio, backstage at last year’s Victoria’s Secret fashion show. However, Kerr forgot that she had posted the original picture one year ago. Super snoops then placed both pictures side by side and it was evident that there was heavy manipulation done to the most recent picture, particularly around Miranda Kerr’s waist, making it appear much smaller than the original.
I know this must be difficult to comprehend; I myself am still having trouble coming to grips with the idea that a model (OF ALL PEOPLE) would be so vain as to make their waist even smaller for a picture-sharing iPhone app. So far, Miranda has yet to address the issue, but an outcry of Instagram commenters prove that the public DEMANDS ANSWERS.
I’ll have you know that Michael K isn’t the only one with a long, glamorous history of modelling. Back in the day, I had a very lucrative career as a hair model, and not for boring shit like magazines or shampoo commercials. I’m talking the big time; live styling demos at convention centre hair shows. And I was damn good, too. My main look was ‘Trying not to address the crippling reality of this nonsense’ but I was also pretty good at ‘Even I know this won’t lead to something better‘. I WAS THE MASTER. A particular highlight was modelling Kelly Clarkson streaks as a grimy stylist in butt-hugging $300 bedazzled jeans (this was 2004, after all) named Kennyth texturized choppy layers into my hair while a remix of Eric Prydz’s Call on Me was played at a deafeningly-loud level on repeat for 25 minutes. You’re probably thinking: “I hope the money was good.” I wouldn’t know; I was paid in styling products. I NEVER SAID I WAS SMART.
(Pic via Instagram)