Miranda Kerr just gave a dismissive eye-roll to her normal salary as a top model. She’ll probably use those millions to paper her crafting room now that she’s married to Snapchat billionaire Evan Spiegel. She’s struck Silicon Valley gold!
Miranda, 34, and Evan, 26, were married yesterday at their home in Brentwood, CA. The ceremony was described by E! News as “small and intimate” and by People as “lavish and classy.” This means a small crowd (there were 40 guests) got an open bar with really top-shelf booze and definitely had scallops wrapped in bacon. Scallops wrapped in bacon as cocktail hour appetizers are the height of wedding opulence. To me, anyway. Continue reading
Louis Vuitton threw a party at the Louvre in Paris last night to celebrate their collaboration with Jeff Koons. Jeff Koons designed a line of tacky and hideous bags for them and you can see some of them here, but really, it just looks like the Louvre wiped its asshole with Louis Vuitton purses. The knock-offs are probably going to look better.
Louis Vuitton’s regulars, like Michelle Williams, Jennifer Connelly and Miranda Kerr, came out and so did Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston. After the party, Justin and Jennifer must have been planning to take a time machine back to the 90s to troll clubs for a third. Because they are giving me “90s swingers on a mission” hotness. They look like rejected Bret Easton Ellis characters.
Pulling off leather pants isn’t easy (and I mean that in more ways than one) and Justin isn’t doing it, but I’m still loving this look. Justin looks like that douche at the club whose got a thick cloud of Acqua di Gio following him and who tells the chicks that he’s an exotic car dealer when he’s really a salesman-in-training at a Hyundai dealership. The Roxbury Guys would look at him like, “What an asshole.”
Justin’s bulge isn’t as BOOM as it has been in the past, but it does sort of look like two small guinea pigs spooning in a trash bag.
I bet the line that Justin heard the most all night was, “I can’t wait to see you in paste pants later.”
And here’s more pictures from last night including Jennifer Connelly who covered herself with four layers of nope.
Miranda Kerr and billionaire CEO of Snapchat, Evan Spiegel, got engaged last July after dating since 2015. In the time that they’ve been together, Miranda’s vagine has never met Evan’s peen. Miranda, who has definitely fucked before (proof: the baby she made with Orlando Bloom), let the world know in an interview that she and Evan are doing it the Ciara and Russell Wilson way by waiting until marriage. Many of us are sluts around here, so that idea is completely lost on us. On a first date, we don’t even wait until the entrees are served. I know, look at me acting like our first dates happen at a restaurant instead of a motel that rents rooms by the hour. Continue reading
August is usually the month people set their brains to “Fuck it, it’s summer” and do the bare minimum required to keep the train rolling. But not at Forbes magazine. They have been busy adding up the dollars made by famous people last year.
Last week we learned that for the second year in a row Forbes named Jennifer Lawrence the highest-paid actress in the world, and that The Rock was the highest-paid actor. Forbes released another list of super rich people, and this time it’s the world’s highest-paid models of 2016. If your bank account crawled into a corner and cried after seeing how much money JLaw and The Rock made for playing pretend, well, you better go set up a nice blanket in its favorite corner. Because Gisele Bundchen also made a whole lot of money.
Good celebrity peen pics are about as rare as a day that doesn’t end with you weeping at the bottom of a hot shower while clutching a vino sippy cup full of Barefoot white zin. (What? Just me?) So many of us peen pic dilettantes (yes, I have a Word of the Day calendar) appreciated when Orlando Bloom made the brave decision to go naked paddle boarding and risk a sea creature trying to get at his dangling dick after mistaking it for a marine spoon worm. But there’s one person who thinks that Orlando made a stupid decision and that someone is his ex-wife/mother of his kid, Miranda Kerr. Put your kewpie doll lips together, Miranda, and keep them shut! Nobody asked you for your opinion! Okay, actually someone did ask.
That loud slapping sound you hear is billionaire gold diggers across the globe giving Miranda Kerr a standing ovation while sniffing back tears of pure pride. Not only has Miranda managed to land herself two billionaires (and once been the reason for one of those billionaires to get into a messy front lawn fight with another billionaire), but she recently announced that she’s now engaged to one. AND he’s only 26 years old. Step aside, Mariah; your game is no match for that of Miranda Kerr.
Miranda announced the good news that she’s getting married to her boyfriend of one year, Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel. This will be Evan’s first marriage and Miranda’s second. Miranda is 33, but her engagement announcement seems like it was made by a Snapchat-obsessed 9-year-old girl.
What, was the dog filter too tacky? That is not the engagement announcement I would except from the future wife of a billionaire. First of all, THAT RING! What is it, three, maybe four carats? Is everything okay with your financial situation, Evan? An engagement ring from a billionaire should be so large that it comes with a warning from the Surgeon General not to look at it in direct sunlight without the aid of a pair of disposable solar eclipse glasses. Second, black and white? How am I supposed to know if that’s a red diamond? Don’t tell me that’s just a basic-ass regular diamond. Do billionaires not have access to insanely rare and expensive gemstones anymore? What is the world coming to when a billionaire doesn’t propose with a ring so heavy it will sprain a wrist?