That loud slapping sound you hear is billionaire gold diggers across the globe giving Miranda Kerr a standing ovation while sniffing back tears of pure pride. Not only has Miranda managed to land herself two billionaires (and once been the reason for one of those billionaires to get into a messy front lawn fight with another billionaire), but she recently announced that she’s now engaged to one. AND he’s only 26 years old. Step aside, Mariah; your game is no match for that of Miranda Kerr.
Miranda announced the good news that she’s getting married to her boyfriend of one year, Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel. This will be Evan’s first marriage and Miranda’s second. Miranda is 33, but her engagement announcement seems like it was made by a Snapchat-obsessed 9-year-old girl.
What, was the dog filter too tacky? That is not the engagement announcement I would except from the future wife of a billionaire. First of all, THAT RING! What is it, three, maybe four carats? Is everything okay with your financial situation, Evan? An engagement ring from a billionaire should be so large that it comes with a warning from the Surgeon General not to look at it in direct sunlight without the aid of a pair of disposable solar eclipse glasses. Second, black and white? How am I supposed to know if that’s a red diamond? Don’t tell me that’s just a basic-ass regular diamond. Do billionaires not have access to insanely rare and expensive gemstones anymore? What is the world coming to when a billionaire doesn’t propose with a ring so heavy it will sprain a wrist?
Saint Laurent’s show at The Hollywood Palladium in L.A. was last night and I guess the invitation read: Come dressed as a strung-out performer in Florida’s Meth Circus. I’m also guessing that Justin Bieber and Lady CaCa were the only ones who followed that dress code because DAMN. Gaga looks like a drunk, clingy auntie who is trying to relive her glory days by wearing one of her favorite outfits from the 80s and Justin Bieber looks like her messy teen nephew who is impatiently waiting for her to pass out into a drunken coma so he can go into her purse and steal enough money to buy a baggy of the bad shit.
If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Nancy Spungen played Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan, wonder no more. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what it would look like if Harpo Marx played Riff Raff, Columbia AND Magenta in a community theater production of Rocky Horror Picture Show?“, you don’t have to ask yourself that question anymore. Lady Gaga answered both of those questions at the Saint Laurent show last night when she showed up in a sequined blazer that screamed, “affordable Michael Jackson impersonator,” makeup that screamed, “cracked out Casper the Friendly Ghost,” and a wig that looked like a pile of uncooked curly fries.
Gaga, Justin Bieber and his struggle stache managed to achieve the impossible, though. They managed to be the messiest messes at an event that Courtney Love was at. Because when Courtney Love showed up looking clean and hot, I doubt the door person said to her, “Um, no loitering! No loitering,” like they did with the Biebs and Gaga.
So Gaga and Justin Bieber should give themselves a slow clap for that.
And here’s a million more pictures from last night’s show including some of the hotness personified that is the Kravitz family and American-Canadian fresh drew drop Pamela Anderson with her son Brandon Lee who used an entire jar of hair grease to give you “Young Elvis.”
If I had to guess what kind of neighbor toddler-faced model type Miranda Kerr was, I’d say she’s the kind of neighbor you never see or hear (because you don’t become the Van Helsing of billionaire-hunting by hanging around the house all day). But apparently I’d be very wrong. During a recent interview with Net-A-Porter’s The EDIT (via Page Six), Miranda admitted that she’s the kind of neighbor who assaults your ears with construction work and shitty songs. She also admitted that her “So sorry for the noise!” apologies come in the form of gluten-free muffins, something her rude-ass neighbors STILL haven’t thanked her for.
As if you couldn’t tell by the picture above of Mariah Carey holding hands while strolling along some street in Italy like an assonnato farfalla principessa (sleepy butterfly princess), she has a new man in her life. And that man is Miranda Kerr’s former billionaire boyfriend James Packer. Yes, the same dude who once got into a sloppy front lawn fight with another billionaire over Miranda Kerr. Eh, still an upgrade from Brett Ratner.
Speaking of, TMZ says that Mariah and James (who I’d love to call Meatpacker, but I won’t) met through Brett Ratner. Sources say that James was really into Mariah, and started “pursuing” her for months. So basically, he sent a million Hello Kitty bouquets to her house, and when that didn’t work, he sent her a picture of his billionaire bank account balance. Since Mariah knows that pairs of pure gold Spanx don’t grow on trees, she agreed to go on a date. TMZ says Mariah and James are staying on his yacht, which is currently in Capri, Italy. After Capri, they’re going to Cannes and St. Tropez. Then they’ll swing by Jennifer Lopez’s beach house so she can shout, “HAHAHAHAHA! I’M FUCKING A BILLIONAIRE, BITCH,” through a megaphone.
Mariah’s not due back in Las Vegas until July 11th, but now that she’s a billionaire’s girlfriend, do we think she’ll even go back to Las Vegas? Her life is all champagne kisses and caviar-flavored Ambien naps now. She doesn’t need those paltry pennies from Vegas. She can get a real unicorn if she wants. I know unicorns don’t technically exist, but I’m sure James can get one. Billionaires always have access to weird shit like that.
Paris Fashion Week is happening right now (RIGHT NOW! GET IN THE CHOPPAH!), which means that lots of famous hos have flown to France for the week. Obviously when there are that many famous people in one place, you’re bound to bump into someone you share a penis ride or two with. For example, the most common words spoken backstage at every fashion show are “You let Leo DiCaprio drunk-bang you on a yacht too?” And sometimes if you’re really lucky, there’s a photographer close by to capture the awkward moment two side-pieces are forced to pretend they don’t totally hate each other’s guts. Like on Wednesday, when toddler-faced panty model Miranda Kerr ran into toddler-faced singer Selena Gomez at the Louis Vuitton show. It’s like the basic bitch fetus-faced version of “The Boy Is Mine“!
In case you’ve forgotten, shit is toddler-tense because Miranda once maybe-humped on come-to-life teen ‘stache Justin Bieber while he was maybe still with Selena, so she decided to get revenge by maybe-humping on Miranda’s ex-husband Orlando Bloom. Then Orlando tried to fight Justin at a club in Ibiza. Basically it was a four-way loser square of losers (especially Orlando, who should have gone into witness protection after getting involved with this trash). But just like every bad decision that comes back to haunt your ass, Justin and Orlando’s former drama-starting side-pieces crossed paths in Paris. And God sent us an angel from Heaven to capture it forever, because God is clearly real and loves us very much. The only thing that would have been better is if Justin (who is in Paris right now) had been at the Louis Vuitton show too, but he was too busy punching paps like the spoiled baby shitbag he is.
Besides, he probably would have been too smitten with the toddler-face in the middle (aka Odeya Rush from The Giver) to even notice Miranda and Selena. “Scooter! Bring my Power Wheels around to the front of the hotel and have the good people at Charles E. Fromage prepare my table with their most expensive bottle of sparkling grape juice. I believe I’ve found a new fetus-faced angel to woo.”
Here’s more of Selena and Miranda before their show-down at the LV show:
The story of the beautiful-faced delicate porcelain elf figurine Orlando Bloom scrappin’ with ass tampon Justin Bieber is already a pile of ridiculousness, but more layers of weird keep being added to it. When TMZ first reported this mess, they said that Orlando was the one who started it by throwing a failed punch at the Biebs’. A second later, it was reported that the less butch Anybodys from West Side Story started it by spitting out the line, “She (Miranda Kerr) was good,” when Orlando Bloom walked by his table. Now, former Spanish journalist (aren’t we all former Spanish journalists?) Anastasia Skolkova tells The Mirror (via The Daily Mail) that Orlando and the Biebs fought twice and practically everyone was on Team Legolas except for the Biebs’ bodyguards who are paid to pretend they are on his team even though they were probably clapping for Orlando on the inside.
A bunch of famous whores, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan and Diddy, were at Cipriani’s in Ibiza that morning and when the junior high school cafeteria fight broke out, they all took their places on Orlando’s side. Anastasia claims that Leonardo clapped for Orlando and Lindsay Lohan laughed at the Biebs. Even though Leo has probably been on Miranda Kerr’s Kewpie doll poon, it makes sense for him to clap for Orlando, because he hates the Biebs more than pizza. Anastasia put it like this:
“Justin said something when he came in which was aimed at Orlando, who then jumped onto a sofa to try and get at Justin. When Orlando punched Bieber, everyone started clapping. Lindsay was laughing. It was amazing. The whole table he and DiCaprio were on were clapping. Afterwards, I don’t know if people were congratulating Orlando or trying to calm him down. When security saw that when they got separated, Bieber and Orlando tried to punch each other again, security were like, ‘Bieber came, Bieber provoked this fight’, so they took his hands behind his back and took him away from the restaurant.”
I’m a little disappointed that Leonardo didn’t finish the Biebs off by knocking that trick down with one of his hot Kung-Fu kicks. Leo probably figured it was wrong for him to get involved in a fight between two delicate and fragile woodland nymphs.
This story just keeps getting more bizarre. I’m sure that by Monday someone will report that Orlando shot Justin Bieber in the face with an arrow and afterward, Tupac gave him a victory fist bump and as he was walking out, Elvis pat him on the back while sitting on a unicorn that whistled out the Rocky theme song.
And when Lindsay Lohan laughs at you, you have officially found the crawlspace under Hell’s basement. You’ve fallen so low and so hard that not even Life Alert can save you.
Here’s Orlando dealing with the humiliation of punching at the Biebs and missing by hugging on Erica Packer on a yacht in Formentera, Spain. Erica is the ex-wife of Australian billionaire James Packer who Miranda Kerr has been doing for a while, but who isn’t Miranda Kerr doing?