August is usually the month people set their brains to “Fuck it, it’s summer” and do the bare minimum required to keep the train rolling. But not at Forbes magazine. They have been busy adding up the dollars made by famous people last year.
Last week we learned that for the second year in a row Forbes named Jennifer Lawrence the highest-paid actress in the world, and that The Rock was the highest-paid actor. Forbes released another list of super rich people, and this time it’s the world’s highest-paid models of 2016. If your bank account crawled into a corner and cried after seeing how much money JLaw and The Rock made for playing pretend, well, you better go set up a nice blanket in its favorite corner. Because Gisele Bundchen also made a whole lot of money.
Good celebrity peen pics are about as rare as a day that doesn’t end with you weeping at the bottom of a hot shower while clutching a vino sippy cup full of Barefoot white zin. (What? Just me?) So many of us peen pic dilettantes (yes, I have a Word of the Day calendar) appreciated when Orlando Bloom made the brave decision to go naked paddle boarding and risk a sea creature trying to get at his dangling dick after mistaking it for a marine spoon worm. But there’s one person who thinks that Orlando made a stupid decision and that someone is his ex-wife/mother of his kid, Miranda Kerr. Put your kewpie doll lips together, Miranda, and keep them shut! Nobody asked you for your opinion! Okay, actually someone did ask.
That loud slapping sound you hear is billionaire gold diggers across the globe giving Miranda Kerr a standing ovation while sniffing back tears of pure pride. Not only has Miranda managed to land herself two billionaires (and once been the reason for one of those billionaires to get into a messy front lawn fight with another billionaire), but she recently announced that she’s now engaged to one. AND he’s only 26 years old. Step aside, Mariah; your game is no match for that of Miranda Kerr.
Miranda announced the good news that she’s getting married to her boyfriend of one year, Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel. This will be Evan’s first marriage and Miranda’s second. Miranda is 33, but her engagement announcement seems like it was made by a Snapchat-obsessed 9-year-old girl.
What, was the dog filter too tacky? That is not the engagement announcement I would except from the future wife of a billionaire. First of all, THAT RING! What is it, three, maybe four carats? Is everything okay with your financial situation, Evan? An engagement ring from a billionaire should be so large that it comes with a warning from the Surgeon General not to look at it in direct sunlight without the aid of a pair of disposable solar eclipse glasses. Second, black and white? How am I supposed to know if that’s a red diamond? Don’t tell me that’s just a basic-ass regular diamond. Do billionaires not have access to insanely rare and expensive gemstones anymore? What is the world coming to when a billionaire doesn’t propose with a ring so heavy it will sprain a wrist?
Saint Laurent’s show at The Hollywood Palladium in L.A. was last night and I guess the invitation read: Come dressed as a strung-out performer in Florida’s Meth Circus. I’m also guessing that Justin Bieber and Lady CaCa were the only ones who followed that dress code because DAMN. Gaga looks like a drunk, clingy auntie who is trying to relive her glory days by wearing one of her favorite outfits from the 80s and Justin Bieber looks like her messy teen nephew who is impatiently waiting for her to pass out into a drunken coma so he can go into her purse and steal enough money to buy a baggy of the bad shit.
If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Nancy Spungen played Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan, wonder no more. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what it would look like if Harpo Marx played Riff Raff, Columbia AND Magenta in a community theater production of Rocky Horror Picture Show?“, you don’t have to ask yourself that question anymore. Lady Gaga answered both of those questions at the Saint Laurent show last night when she showed up in a sequined blazer that screamed, “affordable Michael Jackson impersonator,” makeup that screamed, “cracked out Casper the Friendly Ghost,” and a wig that looked like a pile of uncooked curly fries.
Gaga, Justin Bieber and his struggle stache managed to achieve the impossible, though. They managed to be the messiest messes at an event that Courtney Love was at. Because when Courtney Love showed up looking clean and hot, I doubt the door person said to her, “Um, no loitering! No loitering,” like they did with the Biebs and Gaga.
So Gaga and Justin Bieber should give themselves a slow clap for that.
And here’s a million more pictures from last night’s show including some of the hotness personified that is the Kravitz family and American-Canadian fresh drew drop Pamela Anderson with her son Brandon Lee who used an entire jar of hair grease to give you “Young Elvis.”
If I had to guess what kind of neighbor toddler-faced model type Miranda Kerr was, I’d say she’s the kind of neighbor you never see or hear (because you don’t become the Van Helsing of billionaire-hunting by hanging around the house all day). But apparently I’d be very wrong. During a recent interview with Net-A-Porter’s The EDIT (via Page Six), Miranda admitted that she’s the kind of neighbor who assaults your ears with construction work and shitty songs. She also admitted that her “So sorry for the noise!” apologies come in the form of gluten-free muffins, something her rude-ass neighbors STILL haven’t thanked her for.
As if you couldn’t tell by the picture above of Mariah Carey holding hands while strolling along some street in Italy like an assonnato farfalla principessa (sleepy butterfly princess), she has a new man in her life. And that man is Miranda Kerr’s former billionaire boyfriend James Packer. Yes, the same dude who once got into a sloppy front lawn fight with another billionaire over Miranda Kerr. Eh, still an upgrade from Brett Ratner.
Speaking of, TMZ says that Mariah and James (who I’d love to call Meatpacker, but I won’t) met through Brett Ratner. Sources say that James was really into Mariah, and started “pursuing” her for months. So basically, he sent a million Hello Kitty bouquets to her house, and when that didn’t work, he sent her a picture of his billionaire bank account balance. Since Mariah knows that pairs of pure gold Spanx don’t grow on trees, she agreed to go on a date. TMZ says Mariah and James are staying on his yacht, which is currently in Capri, Italy. After Capri, they’re going to Cannes and St. Tropez. Then they’ll swing by Jennifer Lopez’s beach house so she can shout, “HAHAHAHAHA! I’M FUCKING A BILLIONAIRE, BITCH,” through a megaphone.
Mariah’s not due back in Las Vegas until July 11th, but now that she’s a billionaire’s girlfriend, do we think she’ll even go back to Las Vegas? Her life is all champagne kisses and caviar-flavored Ambien naps now. She doesn’t need those paltry pennies from Vegas. She can get a real unicorn if she wants. I know unicorns don’t technically exist, but I’m sure James can get one. Billionaires always have access to weird shit like that.