Glamour’s annual Women of the Year award happened last night in Hollywood and the dress code must’ve been: MESS! Because most of them were.
Gwen Stefani (in the gallery) looked like an off-brand quinceañera Barbie and Zendaya (also in the gallery) wore some floral glove things that made it look like she just double fisted a flower fairy. And then there was Amber Heard whose dress looks like it was made out of the dusty curtains, crib skirt and pillow trim from an old-timey rich baby girl’s nursery. That dress is what Miss Havisham would wear if she was finally evicted from Satis House and had to make coins by selling ass at a brothel.
Amber hasn’t worked many red carpets ever since she settled her divorce from the angry scarf rack, so maybe she purposefully wore something busted. That way reporters wouldn’t ask her about Johnny Depp, because they’d be too busy wondering who and what the hell she’s wearing. Well played!
And here’s a zillion more pictures from last night including Lena Dunham who worked baby bangs and a constipated face.
“Just text an offer to every actress, singer, comedian, rapper, etc. out there and the first 8 to hit us back with a thumbs-up emoji, gets a role” is probably what the producers and director of Ocean’s 8 said while casting. Because they put together a motley crew of HUH? that includes Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, RiRi, TEEFS, Helena Bonham Carter, Mindy Kaling and a rapper/actress who goes by Awkwafina (born name: Nora Lum). Yes, Awkwafina is a name that somebody chose to go by. Phoebe Price isn’t in it, but I slipped her portrait in, because I felt like that line-up needed some real A-list star power, charisma and ginger glamour. Like the producers can afford her day rate!
When two sources “confirmed” that Kerry Washington had another baby growing in her belly yesterday, I made a joke that Kerry would confirm it herself by posing on the red carpet of the Met Gala with her hand placed on her stomach. And last night Kerry Washington hit the Met Gala red carpet with her hand on her stomach. Although I almost didn’t notice that hand because I was too distracted by that purple hair. Mon Dieu (splashes self with holy water), that hair! I am so conflicted. It’s not permanent (Instagram tells me that those are extensions), so that’s good. It sort of looks like the kind of fake hair you’d find on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which makes me want to pour myself a hot mug of penicillin. On the other hand, it looks like it was found on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which means it’s 100% pure fake hair perfection.
I’ve known some pregnant people, and one thing I’ve gleaned is that sometimes being knocked up makes you do some crazy things. Case in point: the gorgeous black lace boudoir ensemble Kerry is wearing. I feel like non-knocked up Kerry wouldn’t wear that. But knocked up Kerry? Sure! The more black lace the better. Or maybe this is Kerry’s way of paying tribute to Prince. If Prince designed maternity clothes, I’m almost positive that’s what he’d make.
Kerry didn’t exactly do much with the technology theme, but there were a few people who tried. Let’s start with Demi Lovato.
I hope there’s a chapter on whether or not they got into some kinky When Harry Met Sally role playing after that picture was taken (just me? Okay then). According to the NY Daily News, Mindy Kaling and B.J. Novak – aka Kelly and Ryan from The Office – have been given $7.5 million to write a book about their on-again off-again relationship. Mindy and B.J. dated during The Office and remained really close after they broke up. Currently, nobody knows what those two are (boyfriend/girlfriend? Life partners? Casual hump bumpers?), including Mindy. But they’re pretty much friends who used to fuck and now they’re getting paid a fuckload of money to write a book about that.
So far, nothing else is really known about their book, but it will probably be essays and stories. But who knows? Maybe they’ll throw in a sexy Sudoku puzzle (the only numbers are 6 and 9) or a Mad Magazine-style fold-in? Dear Mindy and B.J. – DO THAT. The NYDN has been told they’ll probably announce the title of their book at BookCon next week.
I know that writing a book with your ex might sound like a nightmare, but if it came with $7.5 million? Hell yes I would! And not one of the decent ones that I’m still on good terms with either; for $7.5 million, I’d take my most lying-ist cheating-ist small-dicked did-me-all-kinds-of-dirty halitosis-breath-having ex. For $7.5 million, I’d get the name of the book tattooed on my tits and do a cross-country book tour in a van. In a van! You know I’m serious about money if I’m willing to get butt sores and crotch cramps. Then again, I’d probably do it for $250,000 worth of Olive Garden gift cards, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask.
I know, I’m following up a post about the Khloe Kardashian of the Jenner sisters being accused of doing blackface with a post about Mindy Kaling’s brother pretendiing to be black to go into med school. And on Easter Sunday, nonetheless! I was going to spend time making Peep-tinis, but now I’m just going to throw the Peeps to the side and guzzle the vodka straight. It’s one of those days.
The Glamour 2014 Women of the Year event was held last night in New York (hopefully it didn’t interfere with Cosmo’s Excellence in Pleasuring Your Man Awards), and one of said women being honored was Lupita Nyong’o, because – duh – she’s great. And to celebrate being crowned Best Woman or whatever, she rolled up to the event – chill as fuck – wearing a pair of formal bike shorts. Lupita don’t give a hot damn about a fancy gown! Lupita dresses for comfort!
As I mentioned yesterday, wearing clothes is hard, and sometimes you just want to keep it casual and let your down-low bits do their thing. Sometimes that means saying “Fuck Spanx!” and wearing a dress like a deflated hot air balloon, and other times that means pulling on a pair of shorts. I always wear shorts under my shorter skirts, for two reasons: so I can sit with my legs open when I start to get tired, and to ensure that no one catches a glimpse of my bits when I do so. Obviously Lupita feels the same way. But she knew that being honored with a Glammy calls for wearing something a little more formal than a pair of cut-off leggings, so she churched up a pair of white shorts with some rhinestones and beads. Leave it to that flawless bitch to be able to sit with her legs open and look classy as hell while doing it! Lupita truly is the woman of the year.
Here’s more of Lupita looking like a futuristic bike messenger bride at the Glammys last night, and more women at the Women of the Year event, including Jodie Foster, pussy lobbyist Amy Schumer, and the human definition of WERK IT HUNTY, Laverne Cox.