Because Mondays are grosser than that mocos tissue your frugal abuelita used until no clean spots were available (What? Just mine?), here’s some wet man nipples to make it a little less grosser.
Ellen DeGeneres called in sick to her show and so the producers pulled out a list of possible substitutes. Every single person, animal, plant and inanimate object on that list must’ve been busy, because they settled for Miley Cyrus. I mean, Billy Ray Cyrus’ half-eaten Taco Party Pack would’ve made a better host. But Miley’s episode wasn’t that awful and that’s solely because of the wet nipples belonging to Milo Ventimigilia. (Fun fact: Ventimiglia is Italian for “large Starbucks cup of man hotness.“)
Milo has already said that he doesn’t mind that millions of eyeballs have scooped up a piece of bare nalgas, so of course he didn’t mind taking his top off for the sake of charity on
Ellen Miley. Starting at the 3:43 mark, Milo and Miley (which sounds like the name of the most annoying kid’s show on the Disney Channel) play that game where he gets half-naked and sits in a splash tank while she tries to get him wet with pink balls. Ellen gets a celebrity dude half-naked every year to raise money for breast cancer research.
And I think the cherry on top of this panty creaming sundae (Why did I write that?) is the stache that Milo’s been working for a minute, because it makes him look like the star of an early-80s porn parody of Magnum P.I. called Magnum P.I. (Penis Investigator).
Pic: Warner Bros.
You probably didn’t watch Heroes. I did, cuz’ I’m a certified level 10 nerd. Milo Ventimiglia played the main dude and, between seasons 1 and 2, he went from “hey, it’s cute Jess from Gilmore Girls” to “holy shit, Milo Ventilator is a BEEFY PIECE OF ASS.” Usually, the nerd shows play up the boobies, so it felt very progressive. Milo has a new show called This Is Us premiering Sept. 20 on NBC, and the trailer featuring his naked buttcheeks was viewed 7.3 million times. In an interview with E!, Peter Petrelli says that he is just fine with the thirst of so many centering on his ass, thank you.
31-year-old Milo Ventimiglia reportedly went engagement ring shopping for his 18-year-old honeytroll, Hayden Pantyairs. Ick. A source told OK! UK that Milo has his eye on a $200,000 diamond ring from Cartier. Since when does Cartier sell diamond baby rings?
Friends say that Milo is completely in love with the Pantyairs and can’t wait to settle down. I know she’s of age and everything, but this can’t be legal. She’s like forever 12-years-old. And I’m not a lawyer or anything, but isn’t it illegal to marry evil trolls?!
There’s no way he’s going to marry her. The Hollywood rule is that you marry after you get knocked up. Everyone knows that. Wait…..don’t tell me she’s got a baby troll in the oven? She’s going to pop out one of those troll doll pencil toppers.
Adrien Brody is slowly melting my tar heart by continuing to have a fraudulent relationship with that Elsa chick. I have nothing against the broad, but she better step off if she doesn’t want her face on a milk carton. That gorgeous Afghan Hound belongs to me and not her. The tattoo on my nalgas proves it. Not really, but if Adrien wanted me to ink my foreskin with his initials, I’d do it. Ugh, they are totally going to have beautiful Afghan Hound puppies together. Bringin’ on the heartbreak…
Here’s Adrien with homewrecker at a party for Conde Nasty Traveler in NYC on Thursday night. I’ve also added some Milo Ventimiglia, because I know you whores get sticky for him. Oh and this post would not be complete without Lady Miss Kier.