And the runner-up for Most Badass goes to TLC enthusiast Katy Perry, who is hiding behind that mess of face-obscuring purple hair. Sorry Katy, but a middle finger is still more badass than Manic Panic middle school mosh pit emo hair.
Both Katy Perry and No.1 badass Miley Cyrus were at something called the Daily Front Row Fashion Los Angeles Awards last night to celebrate their designer friend and guy who sort of looks like a human eraser-topped pencil Jeremy Scott, who was being honored with an award. And of course, those two made sure to serve up tons of high school dropout-turned-full time mallrat fuckery, because FASHION. They were also joined by Rihanna and Kanye West, who looked just so thrilled to be there. For real! Look at that smile!
I bet that’s the same face Kanye makes when he gets a text from Kim that says “Sorry kurrent husbin, kant kum 2 Paris this weeknd. Maybe u kan do sumething with Riccardo instead?” Speaking of smiling, the photographer who caught Kanye grinning must have taken this picture from behind a potted plant or a group of models signing up for Leonardo DiCaprio’s next boat cruise, because according to Kanye, Kanye never smiles in photographs. During a speech at the Daily Front Row Fashion Thingy, Kanye told the audience:
“Back when I was working on Yeezus, I saw this book from the 1800s and it was velvet-covered with brass and everything. I looked at all these people’s photos and they look so real and their outfits were incredible and they weren’t smiling and people, you know the paparazzi, always come up to me, ‘Why you not smiling?’ and I think, not smiling makes me smile. When you see paintings in an old castle, people are not smiling cause it just wouldn’t look as cool.”
They didn’t smile because it wouldn’t look as cool? Kanye, you dummy, people in old-ass castle paintings aren’t smiling because toilets weren’t invented yet and everything smelled like doo doo and people were dying from the super plague and nobody took showers. Hell, if that was my life, I wouldn’t be smiling either.
Here’s more from last night including Kanye NOT SMILING and Miley smiling all the goofy hillbilly smiles:
That might have been the most Billy Ray sentence I’ve ever written. According to TMZ, horny bag of hillbilly weed Miley Cyrus and her brother Braison (I. CAN. NOT. WITH. THAT. NAME) are keeping it in the family, dating-wise, by hooking up with another set of famous offspring. Billy Ray’s kid has been rubbing her greasy gopher bits on The Terminator’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger for the past couple of months, and I guess Miley told her younger brother Braison about all the good vittles they have at the Schwarzenegger house because he’s gone a-courtin’ Patrick’s older sister Christina.
TMZ says Cinnamon Braison Bread started seeing Christina about a month after Miley started hooking up with Patrick. They also spent New Year’s Eve together, which you know means shit is getting serious, because you always hang out with your bottom bitch on NYE. No word on how they celebrated, but he’s a Cyrus, so let’s just assume it involved a bonfire in a metal trash can and moonshine.
I’m not sure how Maria Shriver feels about two of her children hooking up with two of the Cyrus dirtpile kids, but I’m sure the Cyrus family is ecstatic that Miley and Kellogg’s Braison Bran have weaseled their way into high society. I bet Billy Ray Cyrus has already picked out his best cut-off shorts to wear when he goes swimmin’ in the cee-ment pond at the Kennedy Compound this summer. And back in his stable, Trace Cyrus is asking his sister and brother to put in a good word for him with one of Patrick and Christina’s horse-riding cousins.
This has happened before and it will happen again and again and again. And no, those aren’t an extra pair of nipple-less saggy tits. That’s her rib cage. I think.
Because Miley Cyrus won’t stop showing her chipmunk chichis until every single pair of eyeballs on this planet have seen them and we’ve all simultaneously screamed, “Okay, okay, you’re not Hannah fucking Montana anymore,” she’s naked in V Magazine. The Polaroids, which look like some creepy shit found in the FBI evidence storage room in the early 80s, were taken by her best friend/assistant/hanger-on/whatever, Cheyne Thomas, during her Bangerz World Tour. Bitches are trying to out-Uncle Terry Uncle Terry.
Miley threw up a few of these pictures on Instagram with this note:
@vmagazine exclusive #diaryofadirtyhippie order yurrrr copy nowwwww cumzzzz w ol school pull out postahhhh photography by @cheythom fuck yaaaas weez a bunch of happy hippies ova hurrrr! Muah Vfam!
Did she have a few brain aneurysms while typing that or is that just how you type when you’re raised by Billy Ray?
And you know, I’m not totally sure that these aren’t the real un-Photoshopped pictures of Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein ads.
In case you didn’t get everything you wanted this holiday season, here’s a tasteful black and white portrait of a Henry Spencer-looking Miley Cyrus flashing her backwoods nipple bitz. It’s my gift to you; don’t say I never get you nothin’ nice.
But why is Miley topless this time? Well, a quick peek at her Instagram shows that it looks like she just discovered the Free The Nipple movement. I know – brace yourself, many more pictures of Miley’s nipples are coming. Miley posted the above picture yesterday, but it appears that it was yanked down by the pearl-clutching prudes of Instagram. That, or Miley yanked it down herself because she realized it was far too classy lookin’. After all – is it really a topless picture of a horny swamp otter if her tongue isn’t hanging out or her ass isn’t rubbing against a giant inflatable cartoon penis?
Because some of you may still have a sensitive stomach from running a 3-day train on several meat and cheese trays over the holidays, I’ve hidden Miley’s uncensored nipple pic after the cut.
Seen above looking like a chipmunk Dennis the Menace, Miley Cyrus is in the hospital AGAIN and surprisingly she isn’t in the hospital because she was forced into quarantine by the health department after sucking on Wonky McValtrex’s mouth muscle of nast.
TMZ says that Miley checked into the hospital yesterday after suffering some kind of wrist injury (I’m going with fap session gone wrong) and since Billy Ray’s child is the Patron Saint of Too Much Fucking Information, she Instagrammed pictures of her gaping gash. We’ve seen Miley’s nipples and have pretty much seen her cooter lips, so why not look at her flesh? The pictures of Miley’s cut open wrist don’t really gross me out, because I lived through those heave-worthy pictures of her strangling her albino beaver for Uncle Terry. I’m fully desensitized.
Miley also spent some time adding a dose of WTF to her gash picture with the help of Photoshop, because when you’re laid up in a hospital bed and riding high on a wave of painkillers, what else do you have to do? I have to say that I’m a little jealous of the doctors and nurses. Because when they opened up her cut all the way, they probably got a good high from inhaling the cloud of weed that escaped out of her body.
I honestly didn’t think it was possible for there to be anyone more enthusiastic about partying than human hillbilly drug disposal Miley Cyrus, but apparently there is, and TMZ says it’s her current partner in staged photo-ops Patrick Schwarzenegger. According to multiple sources who have partied with Miley and Patrick (Hi Paris Hilton’s herpes sores!), it’s Patrick who is the booze-guzzling drug-hoovering party rat, not Miley. Well, technically she is, but just a little less than Patrick.
Maria Shriver’s kid is still in Miami with Miley for that Art Basel bullshit and has been allegedly raging non-stop. Apparently it’s all strippers and night clubs for Patrick, and he’s raging harder than a Kardashian at an All-You-Can-Botox buffet. A source says that Patrick is well known in the EDM scene, and he’s no stranger to weed. WEED?! Insert Neil deGrasse Tyson watch out we got a badass.gif here.
And TMZ says even Patrick’s family are laughing at the idea that Miley might be corrupting their innocent baby boy with her gas-huffing stripper chipmunk antics. They say they know he likes to party and they’re hoping Miley might “slow him down“. I’m sorry, but Miley is like a bag of coke on speed; the only thing slow about her is the wheel in her brain responsible for cranking out smart thoughts.
Personally, I’m not sure who I think parties harder. On the one hand, Patrick has access to that next-level Kennedy Compound coke, which means Patrick don’t play when it comes to drugs. On the other hand, Miley has no doubt built up a tolerance to harder, weirder shit, like powdered moonshine and home-made hillbilly quaaludes. I think the real test is for them to go back in time to 2007 and party with Lindsay Lohan. Whoever can still remember their own name at the end of the night wins!
I’m pretty sure that’s how Contagion started.
In the war room of the CDC, top scientists and infectious diseases specialists are working on a plan to drop a quarantine tent around the entire state of Florida before the super STD that was born yesterday morning crosses state lines and destroys us all. Art Basel, the Coachella for the art world, is happening in Miami right now and so many celebrity gutter tramps are currently terrorizing Florida. E! News says that a CDC nightmare was created at the Miami club E11EVEN early yesterday morning when Miley Cyrus’ toxic yeast rod of a tongue made its way into Wonky McValtrex’s mouth. To quote whoever wrote on that wall in 28 Days Later: REPENT/THE END IS/EXTREMELY/FUCKING/NIGH!
Several sources tell E! that after Jeremy Scott’s Moschino Barbie party, Miley dragged her silent twink boy toy Patrick Schwarzenegger to E11EVEN where they met up with Wonky. Since Miley Cyrus would stick her tongue in a naked mole rat’s asshole if it got her attention and Wonky is forever a 16-year-old straight girl who thinks making out with other girls at the club is ~edgy~, those two cochinas mouth fucked. It’s Valtrex’s answer to Taylor and Karlie.
The massive celeb-studded party that is Art Basel Miami showed no signs of dying down last night (or this morning), with Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton keeping the anything-goes action going by making out in the wee hours at E11EVEN, a cabaret/nightclub in South Beach, multiple sources tell E! News.
As Patrick watched, he thought to himself, “Gurrrl, better Wonks than me.”
If you put a microscope magnifying glass up to Miley and Wonky’s mouths as they made out, it probably looked like the Battle of Gettysburg. All those strains of diseases battling each other. I wonder which one won out? I’m going with herpes.
And here’s Miley transferring Wonky’s saliva to Patrick while hanging out with twink pilgrim Cody Simpson at some restaurant in Miami Beach.
Pics: Splash, Getty
I’m sorry, you’ll need to give me a moment. I’m still coming down from the second-hang high I got from looking at these pictures of Princess Hillbilly Moonbeam of the Psychedelic Humanoid Gophers Miley Cyrus at Art Basel in Miami last night. Speaking of which, if any of you know the best way to remove invisible spiders from underneath your eyeballs, please let me know.
It all makes sense that this tinfoil fuckery took place in Florida; Miley looks like a condom wrapper that washed up on Panama City Beach and a come-to-life meth pipe. “How dare you! I’ve never looked that busted!” hissed meth. According to Page Six, Miley performed a bunch of covers looking like a $0.99 swap meet knock-off Dazzler doll with Wayne Coyne of The Flaming Lips at a party hosted by Tommy Hilfiger and V Magazine.
Page Six says she was also joined by “people dressed in shark costumes, a man dressed as a penis with silver streamers coming out of the top, and a giant mushroom. The stage was flanked in the audience by giant rubber duckies and trees with baby dolls strung to them.” What, no three-headed hot dogs or a 7-foot-tall backwards-talking shoe? I guess they were on a budget. That, or all the money went to making Miley look like a fungus found growing on the toilet seat in one of the bathrooms at Studio 54.
And because Miley isn’t Miley unless she’s chugging moonshine, acting like an aspiring trailer park stripper, or shoving felony quantities of drugs in her dirty possum mouth, she also apparently got drunk, took her top off, and smoked weed on stage. “How y’all doing, Miami? Hope ya got yer shots, cause I’m wrecked as shit and fixin to rub my rashes on everything!”
The first time we saw horny human joint Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger, they were leaving Patrick’s apartment the morning after what many assumed was a night filled with Miley twerking her mudflaps against Patrick’s crotch and asking if he’d want to see her “sex mouse”. And now it looks like they’ve upgraded their relationship from We Might Be Fucking to Oh Yeah, We Fucking. Congrats, you two crazy kids!
Miley and Patrick decided to take their love public last night at a USC Trojans football game by taking selfies of themselves slobbering all over each other, and luckily a pap was there to catch the whole thing. That’s so great, because how many times have you tried to take a picture of you pretending to make out with your current fuck partner and thought “I really wish I had a picture of this from several different angles”? All the time, right? Not to mention that a college football game is the perfect place to announce to the world that you’re officially fucking, since there’s no more hallowed ground for horny crotch-bumping youngins than the jizz-sprayed bleachers of a football field.
And in case you’re wondering why a GED recipient from Billy Bob’s Backwoods Book Learnin’ Academy is wearing head-to-toe USC colors, it’s because Patrick went there. Then again, Miley could just be wearing it because she likes Trojans. “I also like LifeStyles and Durex and the ones which you gets from the gas station vending machines that taste like strawberry! Thems mah favorite!”
That feels a bit unfair, because at this point, isn’t nearly every semi-famous dude under 25 one of Taylor Swift’s leftovers? According to The Daily Mail and E! and a couple other sources who own a horny hillbilly radar machine, Herself the Elf’s glue-huffin’ trailer park cousin Miley Cyrus might be humping on Ah-nold Schwarzenegger’s hot aspiring pizza tycoon son Patrick. Get it girl! Get that sweet pizza dick!
Miley was seen leaving Patrick’s apartment on Friday, which we all know is the universal signal for “we done fucked”, but the love affair between Patrick and his backwoods lady love might have started waaay before that. In 2011, Patrick – who was dating Tater Head’s sister Talluah Willis at the time – gave an interview to Details where he admitted that he had his eyes set on Miley (the actual quote was “My eye, though, is set on Miley“, which is definitely not super creepy at all). Eventually they went on a couple dates after Patrick got Miley’s number from Selena Gomez, but nothing really ever came of it. Patrick then went on to tongue-fuck Tay Tay Swift during her Kennedy Family phase and date a trick named Tootsie, while Miley continued to be in a long-term relationship with weed. The fate intervened and was like “You two sluts should hook up again“, and here we are.
Tay Tay used to spend many a night wishing on a star like a skinny blond Fievel Mousekewitz to land a Kennedy man (or at the very least, something Kennedy-adjacent), so I would love to know what she thinks about Miss Moonshine moving in on her turf. If she’s anything like me, she probably can’t wait to see if this lasts long enough for Miley to make a summer trip to the Kennedy Compound. I would do ANYTHING to see the hillbilly stripper chipmunk all gussied up in her best seersucker thong and popping her pussy on the mast of a sail boat.