The youngest possumling of the Cyrus family, Noah Cyrus (aka the pole dancing child that everyone called CPS over), dribbled out an emotional Instagram post the other day over the INJUSTICE that her and Miley Cyrus’ older brother Trace Cyrus got slapped with while trying to eat at a restaurant in Kentucky. The restaurant said “neigh” when Trace stomped on in. I guess that restaurant is firmly on Team Brenda Song. And I can hear your, “That restaurant just didn’t want to get complaints from customers after Trace chewed on their hair and coats while waiting for his food” jokes from here.
Noah probably noah’s a thing or two (I’m not proud of myself for that) about INJUSTICE, because I’m sure she’s been kicked out of clubs for being underage while trying to party with Miley. Noah is not going to stand by and let that tattoo-shaming restaurant deny her kin service just because his body is covered in more ink than a sixth grader’s paper bag book cover. Noah spit at those wrong tattoo haters on Instagram.
A restaurant in Kentucky wouldn’t let my brother in because he has tattoos. That is so messed up and it really pisses me off that it’s even legal to do such a thing. The way I see it is he is completely made of art and if they knew him on the inside then they would know thats the truth. I love my brother and it brings me to tears to know someone would do that to him or anyone for that matter. So sad. I love you tracey and you’ve got a team supporting you.
Noah didn’t name names, but Trace did. The tattooed emo pony raged at that restaurant on Instagram:
Fuck Brothers in Newport KY!!!! Been all around the world and never had anyone deny me getting into anywhere because of my tattoos. It actually upset me because I’m from Kentucky and to see an establishment like this really shocked me…
He also Instagrammed the restaurant’s telephone number and told all of his followers to tell the manager off.
The restaurant that kicked Trace out isn’t a fine dining establishment like the Olive Garden or some shit, so I don’t know why they got super snobby over someone’s appearance. Even then, the Olive Garden lets me eat there, so they’ll obviously serve anyone. Miley Cyrus should buy that Kentucky restaurant and let people with tattoos and pink pubes eat for free. But is there more to this story? Was Billy Ray Cyrus with them? Because if he was, maybe the restaurant didn’t deny the family service because of Trace’s tattoos. Maybe they denied them service, because they knew the health department would shut them down if they let that roadkill on Billy Ray’s head in.
Here’s Noah and Billy Ray at some event in L.A. last month.
Yesterday, Miley Cyrus started up The Happy Hippie Foundation, which helps homeless kids and LGBT youth, and while talking to both AP and Out Magazine about it, she got into telling them about the adventures of her chipmunk cooch and how she doesn’t really label herself as a boy or a girl. Some think she came out as a genderqueer bisexual. If you’ve got an elderly auntie and want to see her mind go places it’s never been before, tell her that Miley Cyrus came out as a genderqueer bisexual and watch as she tries to figure out what that means exactly. Her facial expressions will look just like the ones my abuelita made after my mom told her what the definition of transgender is. My abuelita’s face became a living and breathing ¿QUE? Cat GIF.
Miley Instagrammed the piece of her Out Magazine interview where she says she doesn’t really fit into the stereotype of a chick and she doesn’t really fit into the stereotype of a dude. She added the note: “NOTHING can/will define me! Free to be EVERYTHING!!!” “I knew it! I knew that Miley and Justin Bieber are the same person,” screamed all the tricks who think that the Biebs and the hillbilly chipmunk are one:
When talking to AP, Miley said that she’s not just strictly dickly. Her ham wallet has bumped against other ham wallets.
When Miley Cyrus wears pasties or posts photos of her pink armpits, it’s not to be a provocateur. The 22-year-old says she’s just being herself, and she wants all young people to have that same opportunity.
That’s why she’s launching the Happy Hippie Foundation to help homeless and LGBT youth, adding that not all her past relationships were “straight, heterosexual” ones. Cyrus didn’t elaborate.
Of course, some hos thinks that Miley is just being Miley and by sort of saying she’s genderqueer, she’s really saying, “PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEE.” But I don’t think that. If Miley Cyrus really wanted to get attention for this, she’d throw up a video on Instagram of her getting the words “Genderqueer” and “Bisexual” tattooed into her cooze lips with sparkly tattoo ink. Shit, I’m giving her ideas.
Because the theme of last night’s Met Gala was China: Or Whatever You Feel Like Wearing, We Don’t Give A Shit, I thought I’d do some quick internet research to see if legendary panty-dampeners Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet were dressed up as anything in particular. The closest thing I found was something called a jiangshi, which is a Chinese vampire. I have no idea if they’re supposed to be dressed up as jiangshis, but it would make sense, since both Lenny and Lisa are ageless creatures that get younger looking every year and also sort of frighten me with their undead hotness.
Then again, they both look like totally different vampires. Lenny looks like a $9,000 an hour vampire escort who always smells like lube made from the screams of 400 year old consecrated souls, while Lisa looks like a haunted Victorian vampire doll named Countess de la Nightmares who comes alive every night and hovers silently over your bed while you sleep. Aka they both look hot as hell.
Their kid was also there too, and not surprisingly, she looked as hot as her parents.
Zoe Kravitz’s date was Miley Cyrus. I guess if I were to keep this vampire analogy going, Zoe Kravitz looks like the first runner up in a vampire beauty pageant (she didn’t win because her mom showed up mid-competition and stole the show), while Miley looks like a hillbilly zombie from the ol’ swimmin’ hole named Skooter McCrootch who came back to life when a bunch of dumb teenagers read the ingredients on a haunted bottle of Walmart-brand cough syrup backwards.
In case you were wondering what the hillbilly chipmunk did for attention today, here’s your answer whether you like it or not.
Seen above looking like an extra stoned Macauley Culkin in drag as a 90s era Ani Di Franco at a candy rave, Miley Cyrus took a quick break from turning her body into a living museum for tragic tattoos and spent a piece of her Friday slathering pink dye all over her armpit hair and crotch bush. I barely see any pit hair. That shit looks like a rug burn or a rash. She should’ve added some pink pit weave pieces to really make it luscious.
I’m much more old-fashioned and a little more retro than Miley. I prefer to braid my pit hair and decorate it with gold micro beads. And I prefer to part my pubes in the middle like it’s the hair on the head of an old-timey gentleman.
Miley posted a picture of the finished look on Instagram and I put the full picture after the cut, because I have no idea if a peek of pink pussy hair is NSFW or not.
The meaning of true love stepped out on the ledge today after it found out that Pamela Anderson and Rick Salmonella officially gave an encore performance of their first divorce. But the meaning of true love immediately stepped off of the ledge and crawled back into the window after finding out that Miley Cyrus may be bumping her pork rind poon against Liam Hemsworth’s Australian peen again.
Miley and that Patrick Schwarzenegger twink broke up a minute ago and probably because she temporarily woke up from the good shit-induced haze she’s always in and realized that she doesn’t want to spend another second getting eye humped by Arnold at one of his family dinners. She already has to deal with that at her own house. So she quit Patrick and now UsWeekly says that she’s drying her hillbilly chipmunk tears on Liam’s dick.
Miley and Liam got engaged in 2012. They broke up a year later. But just like a serious case of Herpes that refuses to go dormant, they’re baaaaaack. Some source says that Miley and Liam have been hanging around together (read: rubbing wet parts again).
“They’ve been hanging out in L.A., but only a few people know. Dating could definitely happen.”
Credit 22-year-old Cyrus’ can’t-stop, won’t-stop persistence. Following their September 2013 split, “Liam cut her off, but she would still text him,” adds a second source. “He eventually started answering. They would check in on each other here and there.”
Still, the Australian hunk is proceeding with caution. After all, a Cyrus romance takes twerk. “Liam has rough stories about that relationship,” says the Hemsworth insider. “But he always talks about how fun she was to hang out with and their great chemistry.”
“How fun she was and great chemistry” may or may not be code for “she let him stick the tip in her butt and she always has the best weed.”
I am all for these two being back together. When Miley and Patrick broke up, I braced myself, because I thought she was going to bring on the apocalypse by rebounding with her twin Justin Bieber. But then again, if Miley wants to know what it feels like to fuck Justin Bieber, she’d just rub her pussy against a mirror. It would be more enjoyable and the mirror wouldn’t cry afterward.
And you can tell that Miley is in love again, because she wrote these romantic words of poetry on her Instagram yesterday:
But maybe don’t pour the whole thing out, since you’ll want at least a little bit to help you cope with the fact that America’s constantly-high Hillbilly Rodent Princess Miley Cyrus and the dude who was made when Kindergarten Cop busted a bareback nut into a Kennedy cousin (aka Patrick Schwarzenegger) are done with each other. If two rich party rats can’t make a PR relationship work, what hope is there for the rest of us?!?
According to People, a “source” (Hollerin’ Hank from his new website, www.I’sDoneToldYuz.net, which is really just Hank nailing pieces of gossip to the side of the ol’ shouting tree) says Miley and Patrick are officially killing their relationship after 5 months, adding that “It’s not a break. It’s done.” Apparently they called it quits because Patrick’s side-piece was tired of picking weed-scented pork rind crumbs out of his pubes. NO! The source says it’s because he’s still in college and she’s got her music career and they’re in “two different places.”
Neither Miley’s or Patrick’s rep has said anything about their break up, and Miley has yet to tweet something about how she ‘ain’t makin’ slimeys no more‘ or whatever trashy possum term Miley’s family has for fucking.
Then again, yesterday was 420, which means she had better things to do than tweet about her break up. Actually, now that I think about it – I bet she’s already forgotten that it happened. (ring ring) “Hey Patrick Sandwichwhatever, it’s me Miley! Y’all wanna come over and make slimeys? What do ya mean we ain’t not no more courtin? Dang, you done achy breaked mah heart! You still wanna come over tho? I got a new bottle of jerky lube that I’m itchin’ to try.“
Here we go again. The last time we checked the pulse of the backwoods love affair between hillbilly moonshine princess Miley Cyrus and rich townie Patrick Schwarzenegger, it was moving slower than any song sung by Miley’s pappy Billy Ray Cyrus not named “Achy Breaky Heart” trying to climb the music charts. What I’m trying to get at is that sources claimed Patrick was slowly inching his way towards the door. But now TMZ says that things are so good between the two, they’re thinking about pulling out the good china (ie. the Dixie Ultra) and the good champagne (ie. Franzia White mixed with Sprite) and having themselves a wedding.
A “source” (Hollerin’ Hank down at the ol’ shouting tree who really needs to get his gossip facts straight) says that Miley and Patrick have been telling friends that they will get married someday. Miley has also been going out of her way to impress Patrick’s mom Maria Shriver, which means not dressing like an amateur stripper chipmunk on break from her morning shift at The Nut Hut, and learning how to speak talkin’ words gooder and more better.
The source also says that neither one is pushing the other to get serious, and the marriage feelings are mutual.
I know that whenever Miley and Patrick’s names pop up in the same breath as the words long-term and totally real, everyone starts kicking out imaginary chairs for which their publicists may take a seat, but I honestly could totally see these two getting married. Obviously it would be a messy shit-show that was the direct result of ripping dirty bong hits while standing too close to an open can of paint in a poorly-ventilated room…actually, now I’m starting to wonder how it hasn’t happened yet.
That’s too bad, because “pitchy stripper” is right up there with “chubby and corny” as one of my favorite reads. During a game of Plead the Fifth on Thursday’s episode of Watch What Happens Live, Kelly Clarkson was asked by the long-lost 4th member of Alvin and the Chipmunks Andy Cohen if she would still liken the horny hillbilly yodels of Miley Cyrus to that of a pitchy stripper. In case your brain isn’t a working Wikipedia entry for Kelly Clarkson, Kelly gave a two-word review of the 2013 VMAs (aka the one where Miley first released her uncooked chicken giblets unto the world) by tweeting the hashtag #pitchystrippers. Naturally, everyone assumed she was talking about pitchy amateur stripper Miley Cyrus, but Kelly Clarkson would like you to know she would NEVER:
“I never said Miley Cyrus! The fact that I tweeted ‘pitchy stripper’ and people thought Miley Cyrus is not my problem. I’m just saying! Never said Miley Cyrus, my man! Everybody else said Miley Cyrus when I did that. That’s not my fault!”
“I am not saying who it was because if I say it’s not, then you’re going to guess somebody else. You’re trying to manipulate me. I’m going to drink more. Soon I’ll say the truth, and then I can blame it on the alcohol.”
Speaking of booze truth, Kelly also admitted that she once dated Justin Guarini during the making of From Justin to Kelly. Well duh, can you blame her? Who could resist the white-hot Sideshow Bob-haired heat and panty-dampening sexuality of 2003-era Justin Guarini? My mouth is getting all kinds of dry just thinking about where he’d put that puka shell necklace.
Here’s the former almost Mrs. Justin Guarini grabbing lunch earlier this week in New York City. Is Kelly wearing ballet flats? In the words of Andy Stitzer: NOOOOO KELLY CLARKSON! That’s how you slip and fall and get an ass crack full of snow.
Uh oh, there goes Billy Ray’s dream of floatin’ round in the fancy cee-ment pond at the Kennedy Compound this summer. According to The Enquirer (via Radar), the molly-dusted 4-month-old photo op love affair between hillbilly princess Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger might be over.
A source (Hollerin’ Hank who lives down at the ol’ shouting tree) claims that Miley was expecting Patrick to put an engagement ring on her hitchin’ finger this Valentine’s Day, which he didn’t, and now she’s disappointed. That surprises me; Miley and her family has always struck me as less of an engagement ring type and more of a shotgun wedding type.
And it sounds like Miley is going to be waiting a while for that ring. Patrick has apparently been talking to one of them handsome Hemsworth brothers, and he was advised not to go to Jared. The source says that Miley’s former fiance Liam Hemsworth felt like he owed it to Patrick to warn him about making a serious commitment to Miley, because he has experienced her “dark side” first hand. Dark side? I don’t know if that goofy hillbilly is deep enough to have a dark side. Miley is probably the type who quits a Ouija board 6 minutes in because she gets too impatient. “Listen y’all, I’m gonna go roll a joint. Holler at me if one of those dang ghosts shows up and says something spooky.”
Of course, this could all just be jealous moonshine talk from the local meth head whose is still sore that Miley went and broke his heart by snaggin’ herself a fancy city boy. Who knows. But here’s Patrick and Miley looking like they don’t hate each other while going for a hike with Nicole Richie (???) and some friends this weekend:
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com
I don’t know what the hell is on the floor in that picture, but it’s giving me a major craving for string cheese (“What else is new?” just hissed my stomach).
Gwyneth Paltrow Instagrammed this picture of Jennifer Lopez, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Miley Cyrus, Scarlett Johansson, and Amy Adams sitting in the front row of Tom Ford’s FW15 womenswear show in Los Angeles last night, and it was literally only 1/856th of the famous types that were there. Everybody was there. And when I say everybody, I mean everybody. Beyonce? YES. Angelica Huston? YES. Gina Gershon? HELL YES. My great aunt Gladys? PROBABLY. I haven’t asked her yet, but I’m assuming she was there, since everybody was there. It was like the Oscars and the Grammys and the Emmys and the CableACE Awards got together in the backseat of a 1994 Ford Tempo and made a random fluids baby.
I don’t know what Tom Ford did to get that many famous types at his fashion show, but it must have involved promising to wash their cars for a year or “take care” of their enemies and make it look like an accident or something, because people that I haven’t seen in forever showed up. Faith Hill was there. When is the last time you saw Faith Hill at something? Robbie Williams. ROBBIE WILLIAMS! I’m sure if the dog from Fraiser hadn’t died 9 years ago, he would have been there too.
And I know Kanye West thinks he’s a legitimate fashion designer now, but he needs to realize that you haven’t made it until Cristal Connors from Showgirls shows up to your show. Until then, you’re still a nobody (sorry Kanye). Here’s a bunch of famous people from Tom Ford’s show last night, including the living life legend herself Gina Gershon, Goopy, Reese Witherspoon, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello, and John Legend wearing a Canadian Tuxedo for some reason: