After coming down with a case of the sicks and spending most of the week humping on bowls of jello and IV poles, Miley Cyrus was forced to temporarily hang up her bedazzled crotch-suffocating thongs and cancel several of her shows. And now the Associated Press has been told by Miley’s rep (an enchanted box of off-brand Shake n’ Bake) that she’s still recovering, which means that all of her upcoming US shows have been postponed. So, sad news for everyone who had planned on celebrating Easter Week by watching a slutty squirrel mark her territory by rubbing her rodent parts all over the hood of a car (it’s what Jesus would have wanted, right?)
The rep went on to say that Miley will resume her US tour on August 1st by playing seven rescheduled shows and two additional stops, and that her illness hasn’t impacted her European tour, which begins in a little less than two weeks. You hear that Europe? You have less than two weeks to prepare yourselves for Miley’s aggressively antibiotic-resistant viruses.
And Miley’s probably not the only one taking some time off to recuperate; I’m sure there’s a whole floor of the ICU dedicated to treating the antibiotics that survived after being flushed from her system.
“I was told we were just going in to clear up a sinus infection. But once we entered her body, my god, most of us were totally unprepared for what we saw. The viruses, the questionable strains of yeast. I saw my best friend die in a pool of rancid jizz. Even the strongest of us were freaking out.” - One of the survivors
I heard most of them were being treated for PTSD and various rashes. Sad. Get well soon, antibiotics.
Humanized Miracle Whip and Wonder Bread sandwich Miley Cyrus was hospitalized (for drugs) in Kansas City (where she bought drugs) after she had a severe allergic reaction (to drugs) to some antibiotics (and by antibiotics I mean drugs) today. Miley’s show in Kansas City was canceled, so thousands of chirrun have the sads, because they didn’t get to see Miley crotch hump a giant hot dog and they didn’t get to drink up the yeast water that she squirts out of her mouth and onto their faces. Miley also canceled her show in Charlotte, NC over a week ago, because she had the flu (drugs). Miley tweeted a little sorry note along with a picture of her holding the weirdest butt plug I’ve ever seen (where can I get one?):
I guess “severe allergic reaction” is the new “exhaustion.”
When you eat a whole pot brownie and visions of Billy Ray’s raccoon mullet dance around you and it feels like your skin is going to rip off of your body and crawl away, there’s no need to take your ass to the hospital. Just eat some nachos and enjoy the ride. (FYI: Seeing visions of Billy Ray’s raccoon mullet and feeling like your skin is going to rip off of your body are also the symptoms you get when you watch a Miley performance.)
But you know, Miley wouldn’t need to take antibiotics if she scraped the toxic smegma off of her tongue and stopped eating the snatch crust on panties that her fans throw onstage. Putting a stranger’s panty crust in your mouth will put you in the hospital. And since she’s in there, shut the doors, lock ‘em and quarantine her ass!
The uncensored artwork for Miley Cyrus’s “Adore You” remix has been accidentally “leaked” to the internet (aka Miley emailed the picture to a possum, who then posted it to ChickenFriedChichis.com) and it’s actually pretty tame by current Miley standards. By this point, I’d expect a picture of a three-way between Miley, an Ajax-snorting gopher, and a bag of medical waste, or just a close-up shot of Miley’s asshole. But this? This is practically a Christmas card. Sure, she’s holding a blunt (it looks more like J. Jonah Jameson’s cigar) and one of her trailer park titties is hanging out. But the rest of her looks clean, and that’s blowing my damn mind, because Miley usually looks like the poster child for Cap’n Filthy’s Industrial-Strength Skank-B-Gone.
Take, for instance, the video she uploaded to Instagram earlier today of her pretending to get into a fight with the Hot Topic garbage goblin, Avril Lavigne over which one of them is the most famous person in Canada (You’re both wrong, ya dumb whores: the most famous person in Canada is that Liza-looking slut Ananas from Téléfrancais). I don’t know what they were going for in that video, but if it was “dry turd pulled from the rectum of sketch comedy”, then they nailed it. Even though Miley is dressed like a post-bathtime toddler – something that should conjure up thoughts of baby powder, Mr. Bubbles, and the Snuggle Bear – she’s completely unable to not look like the human representation of the violent skin rash you get if you come in contact with a ghetto pet store lizard.
So it’s definitely either a miracle or black hillbilly magic that Miley was able to look halfway fresh for the Adore You artwork. Maybe it’s the wig? Or maybe there’s a tool in Photoshop designed to clean-up skanky-looking hillbilly rodents? Yeah, it’s the wig. Anyways, you can judge for yourself; the NSFW picture is after the break.
This is exactly why I would never pay for college if I had kids (“Oh, I don’t think you have to worry about kids any time soon” – my collection of alphabetized ALF comics). According to Buzzfeed, Skidmore College, staying true to their name, will offer a class this summer on the Crown Princess of the Skids herself, Miley Ray Destiny Hope [banjo sound] Cyrus. The class is called The Sociology of Miley Cyrus: Race, Class, Gender, and Media, but it should be called It Looks Like You Need An Easy A, because any dum-dum with a wifi connection and Instagram already knows everything there is to know about Miley, Miley’s cooter, Miley’s sea cucumber tongue, etc etc et-fucking-cetera. Watch, I’ll prove to you how easy it would be to ace this class:
Race: Miley is white, but she thinks she’s black
Class: Miley grew up rich, but she acts like she was born in the gutter in front of a condemned Daytona Beach strip club
Gender: Miley’s driver’s license says F, but technically sleazy hillbilly gophers are genderless
Media: “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” is probably my favorite, but “I Can Do bad All By Myself” is a close second (oh shit, I thought that said Madea. My bad)
There you have it! That last one tripped me up a bit, but give me a fucking break; I went to art college. I have no idea how to take a test without the help of a middle-aged hippie in a floor-length batik-print caftan, 1/2 a tray of weed brownies, and feelings.
And the only part of that class that actually looks interesting is ‘What happens to Disney stars as they age (see Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and more)’ Oooh! Oooh! I know this one! Starting with Justin Timberlake, the answers are: deluding themselves into thinking they’re a great actor, professional Britney impersonator, and slowly transforming into a cartoon drag queen.
If this isn’t proof of divine intervention from a merciful god or an all-knowing plate of cheese fries (whichever you choose to believe in), then I don’t know what is. According to TMZ, one of Miley Cyrus’s tour buses, who’s nickname is either The Big Itchy or Toxic Thunder, burst into flames Monday night while travelling from Houston to New Orleans after a a tire exploded. The bus was carrying Miley’s sister Noah and her mother, the elegant Nashville pussywillow Trish Cyrus, both of whom managed to escape unharmed.
There’s no black box on a tour bus, so we’ll never really know what happened, but I have a theory. After running out of things in her tour bus to rub her dirty possum pouch against, Miley starts getting creative and looks to the exterior of the bus for things to hump on. First she tries the exhaust pipe, but her toxic snatch corrodes the chrome and it crumbles into a pile of rust dust. Then she tries the side mirrors, but they spontaneously shatter when they catch the reflection of her Fright Night face. Refusing to give up, she spots a tour bus tire and ecstatically backs her b-hole onto it.
At first the tire reassures itself that it will all be over soon, but Miley won’t stop, and she twerks so fast and so aggressively that she wears the tire treads down to nothing. Eventually there’s too much friction between Miley’s Hank Hill ass and the rubber, and the tire bursts into flames. At which point, Miley begins humping on the fire, which leads to Miley humping on a gauze bandages and a whole mess of Polysporin. Of course, this is only a theory, but I’m confident in my hypothesis.
The object of every Ghoulie’s wet dream, Miley Cyrus, posted two pictures on Instagram last night of the crying yellow pussy emoji she had tattooed onto her bottom inner lip. It’s only slightly less classy and tasteful than Ke$hit’s “Suck It” lip tattoo and a lot less classy and tasteful than the “Cum Here” lip tattoo that a delicate flower I knew in NYC had.
Just like Billy Ray Cyrus’ music career, lip tattoos start to fade away after a year or so, so Miley will only hear questions like “Um, bitch do you want some industrial-strength Abreva for that toxic jungle ass cold sore you’ve got?” for the next 365 days. It looks like a hybrid of the emotionally raw screensaver pussy she performed in front of at the American Music Awards and the creepy giant crying bear from the Sochi Olympics. Miley’s now got TWO sad cats on her body! She’s got one sad cat on her bottom lip and the sad cat on her crotch who cries out all the tears when she strangles it with a high cut leotard.
And since Miley’s supposedly going through her “bi phase” right now, I have a feeling that tattoo won’t be the only disappointed and sad pussy on her mouth.
Never have I wanted more than to jack up the Whitney, dramatically reach through the screen of my laptop and rip that poor, defenseless Hand of Adonis dildo out of Miley Cyrus’s arms. That dildo can’t talk, but I bet if it could, it wouldn’t be able to because it’s suffering severe PTSD (post traumatic snatch disorder). Only Miley could tweet a picture of herself holding a dildo and turn it into a hostage situation.
But honestly, even if we rescued it right now, that dildo is a goner. If her tongue is any indication of what’s going on downstairs, I think it would be safe to assume that the open sewer grate she’s working with between her legs would dissolve most things it comes in contact with. So pray for dildo’s merciful death. And light all your best prayer candles for me, because I just imagined Miley shoving Powder’s severed arm up her chipmunk chocha and I started projectile vomiting like Regan McNeil in The Exorcist.
Because I’m not totally evil, I’d never leave you with the awful mental picture of Miley crotch-slamming a ghost hand, so please accept this palate cleanser in the form of Miley’s Marc Jacobs spring/summer 2014 campaign. Every high fashion photo shoot tells a story, and this is apparently the story of three sad sullen teenage sea hags who washed up on a Florida shore and immediately got busted for shoplifting pregnancy tests from Publix, but were later released because one of the police officers is a big Boy Meets World fan and thought Miley was Stuart Minkus.
On the Australian morning show Sunrise yesterday, lesbo-for-pay Katy Perry said that she kissed a girl and didn’t like it at all. The trick who’s put her mouth on Russell Brand’s parts said that when she kissed Miley Cyrus at Miley’s show in L.A., she was expecting a demure little peck and not some St. Angie and James Haven shit. Katy joked that she pulled away, because “God knows where that tongue has been.”
Well, the mutated hybrid of a hillbilly chipmunk and a radioactive lizard slapped at Katy on Twitter today and let a ho know that she is not the one to talk since her tongue has been on John Mayer’s tongue and if John Mayer’s tongue had a passport showing off all the places it’s been, it would be 300 pages long and read like Wikipedia’s list of infectious diseases.
In my post about this mess yesterday, I made the same easy joke that Miley did, but now that I think about it, none of those sucio tramps should talk. I’m sure they all have inadvertently touched tongues. Miley’s tongue touched Katy’s tongue and Katy’s tongue has touched John Mayer’s tongue and since John Mayer’s tongue has licked everything, it probably licked the dirty thong that Miley put in her mouth. The tongue nastiness has come full circle! And now I need to take a tongue scraper to my soul after thinking about all their tongues touching.
And Miley also tweeted this:
Did I really need to see a watercolor portrait of Snow White kissing Draco Malfoy in one of Nancy Kerrigan’s old costumes? That is the most disturbing part of all of this.
During an interview with Australian talk show Sunrise (via NYDN), Katy Perry was asked about touching mouth lips with Miley Cyrus at Miley’s show and she pretty much burped out an “ewwwwwwwwww” while thinking about it. Katy thought the kiss was going to be a G-rated 7th grade slumber party girl-on-girl peck and Miley wanted to bareback bone Katy’s mouth with her tongue. Katy dribbled out this half-gallon of fuel that will power your next 10 eye rolls:
“I just walked up to her to give her like a friendly girly kiss, you know, as girls do. Then she like tried to move her head and go deeper and I pulled away. God knows where that tongue has been. We don’t know! That tongue is so infamous!”
Katy does have a point, but is she really acting like her tongue has only touched freshly washed organic strawberries and the Body of Christ? The CDC will gladly tell you that Katy’s tongue has regularly visited HerpTown (aka John Mayer’s mouth) and has possibly taken a day trip to the Syphilis Mountains (aka Russell Brand’s nuts) and was most likely an honorary citizen of Chlamydia Ditch (aka Russell Brand’s peen slit). So Katy’s tongue shouldn’t get all uppity about Miley’s nasty tongue.
Here’s Katy at Sunrise and try to tell me that koala isn’t thinking to itself, “Gurrrrl, put on some rubber gloves before you pet me. You’ve touched John Mayer down there!”
That dancer is making the same “Meh – it’s a living” face that every creature on the Flintstones makes when Fred forces them to do some degrading shit, like opening his beer with their teeth. But I’m clearly reading her a-check-is-a-check facial expression wrong, because according to an interview given to Ronan Farrow and MSNBC (via Us Weekly) Miley Cyrus thinks twerking her chicken-fried coochums all over their heads makes them feel empowered:
As for the claims that she’s exploiting little people? Cyrus said she doesn’t worry about that. “No, because we’re making them feel sexual and beautiful,” she explained. Citing one of her female little person dancers, the “Wrecking Ball singer explained: “We’re all about lifting her up and making her feel so sexy all the time, and having her dance — she’s actually an awesome dancer.”
Farrow also interviewed one of Cyrus’ former backup dancers, Hollis Jane, who recently spoke out about feeling “degraded” while wearing a bear costume at the singer’s 2013 VMAs performance. Jane said she’s not blaming Cyrus, but explained: “Little people need to stop being seen, in my opinion, in the media as jokes.”
Praise be to Miley Cyrus for discovering little people’s sexuality! Before Miley, little people were forced to live like asexual starfish, and intercourse was limited to procreation. But now, thanks to Saint Miley of the Little People, they can do sexy stuff with their bodies! Quick, somebody tell Dr. Jennifer Arnold and Amy Roloff they’re no longer imprisoned by their mom jeans and polo shirts; go put on an uncomfortable vinyl catsuit and fake hump a plastic hot dog. You’re free now!!