Never have I wanted more than to jack up the Whitney, dramatically reach through the screen of my laptop and rip that poor, defenseless Hand of Adonis dildo out of Miley Cyrus’s arms. That dildo can’t talk, but I bet if it could, it wouldn’t be able to because it’s suffering severe PTSD (post traumatic snatch disorder). Only Miley could tweet a picture of herself holding a dildo and turn it into a hostage situation.
But honestly, even if we rescued it right now, that dildo is a goner. If her tongue is any indication of what’s going on downstairs, I think it would be safe to assume that the open sewer grate she’s working with between her legs would dissolve most things it comes in contact with. So pray for dildo’s merciful death. And light all your best prayer candles for me, because I just imagined Miley shoving Powder’s severed arm up her chipmunk chocha and I started projectile vomiting like Regan McNeil in The Exorcist.
Because I’m not totally evil, I’d never leave you with the awful mental picture of Miley crotch-slamming a ghost hand, so please accept this palate cleanser in the form of Miley’s Marc Jacobs spring/summer 2014 campaign. Every high fashion photo shoot tells a story, and this is apparently the story of three sad sullen teenage sea hags who washed up on a Florida shore and immediately got busted for shoplifting pregnancy tests from Publix, but were later released because one of the police officers is a big Boy Meets World fan and thought Miley was Stuart Minkus.
On the Australian morning show Sunrise yesterday, lesbo-for-pay Katy Perry said that she kissed a girl and didn’t like it at all. The trick who’s put her mouth on Russell Brand’s parts said that when she kissed Miley Cyrus at Miley’s show in L.A., she was expecting a demure little peck and not some St. Angie and James Haven shit. Katy joked that she pulled away, because “God knows where that tongue has been.”
Well, the mutated hybrid of a hillbilly chipmunk and a radioactive lizard slapped at Katy on Twitter today and let a ho know that she is not the one to talk since her tongue has been on John Mayer’s tongue and if John Mayer’s tongue had a passport showing off all the places it’s been, it would be 300 pages long and read like Wikipedia’s list of infectious diseases.
In my post about this mess yesterday, I made the same easy joke that Miley did, but now that I think about it, none of those sucio tramps should talk. I’m sure they all have inadvertently touched tongues. Miley’s tongue touched Katy’s tongue and Katy’s tongue has touched John Mayer’s tongue and since John Mayer’s tongue has licked everything, it probably licked the dirty thong that Miley put in her mouth. The tongue nastiness has come full circle! And now I need to take a tongue scraper to my soul after thinking about all their tongues touching.
And Miley also tweeted this:
Did I really need to see a watercolor portrait of Snow White kissing Draco Malfoy in one of Nancy Kerrigan’s old costumes? That is the most disturbing part of all of this.
During an interview with Australian talk show Sunrise (via NYDN), Katy Perry was asked about touching mouth lips with Miley Cyrus at Miley’s show and she pretty much burped out an “ewwwwwwwwww” while thinking about it. Katy thought the kiss was going to be a G-rated 7th grade slumber party girl-on-girl peck and Miley wanted to bareback bone Katy’s mouth with her tongue. Katy dribbled out this half-gallon of fuel that will power your next 10 eye rolls:
“I just walked up to her to give her like a friendly girly kiss, you know, as girls do. Then she like tried to move her head and go deeper and I pulled away. God knows where that tongue has been. We don’t know! That tongue is so infamous!”
Katy does have a point, but is she really acting like her tongue has only touched freshly washed organic strawberries and the Body of Christ? The CDC will gladly tell you that Katy’s tongue has regularly visited HerpTown (aka John Mayer’s mouth) and has possibly taken a day trip to the Syphilis Mountains (aka Russell Brand’s nuts) and was most likely an honorary citizen of Chlamydia Ditch (aka Russell Brand’s peen slit). So Katy’s tongue shouldn’t get all uppity about Miley’s nasty tongue.
Here’s Katy at Sunrise and try to tell me that koala isn’t thinking to itself, “Gurrrrl, put on some rubber gloves before you pet me. You’ve touched John Mayer down there!”
That dancer is making the same “Meh – it’s a living” face that every creature on the Flintstones makes when Fred forces them to do some degrading shit, like opening his beer with their teeth. But I’m clearly reading her a-check-is-a-check facial expression wrong, because according to an interview given to Ronan Farrow and MSNBC (via Us Weekly) Miley Cyrus thinks twerking her chicken-fried coochums all over their heads makes them feel empowered:
As for the claims that she’s exploiting little people? Cyrus said she doesn’t worry about that. “No, because we’re making them feel sexual and beautiful,” she explained. Citing one of her female little person dancers, the “Wrecking Ball singer explained: “We’re all about lifting her up and making her feel so sexy all the time, and having her dance — she’s actually an awesome dancer.”
Farrow also interviewed one of Cyrus’ former backup dancers, Hollis Jane, who recently spoke out about feeling “degraded” while wearing a bear costume at the singer’s 2013 VMAs performance. Jane said she’s not blaming Cyrus, but explained: “Little people need to stop being seen, in my opinion, in the media as jokes.”
Praise be to Miley Cyrus for discovering little people’s sexuality! Before Miley, little people were forced to live like asexual starfish, and intercourse was limited to procreation. But now, thanks to Saint Miley of the Little People, they can do sexy stuff with their bodies! Quick, somebody tell Dr. Jennifer Arnold and Amy Roloff they’re no longer imprisoned by their mom jeans and polo shirts; go put on an uncomfortable vinyl catsuit and fake hump a plastic hot dog. You’re free now!!
The world really hasn’t been the same since August 25, 2013. That day, our gag reflexes were destroyed, we all developed a phobia for wet, uncooked pounded chicken cutlets and the almost dead, coked-up, STD-ridden body of Robin Thicke and Paula Patton’s marriage began taking its last breaths after Miley Cyrus twerked on its face. When Paula Patton told everyone that she’s stepping away from the half-melted butt suppository in aviators that is Robin Thicke, I waited and waiting for the inevitable “Miley’s flattened Eggo pancake minis ass wrecked that marriage” story and here it is courtesy of TMZ.
After we all watched Miley rub her ass against Robin Thicke the same way a chihuahua with over-filled anal glands scratches its b-hole against a tree, Paula Patton laughed it off and didn’t understand why some people were pulling their eyeballs out of their sockets and dipping ‘em in boiled holy water. Paula said this on WWHL (via EW) at the time:
“I wasn’t surprised at all. Honestly, they rehearsed for three days beforehand. I don’t know how not to dance with someone having their booty in your … all my friends do it like that. And I don’t really know what the big deal is. I don’t know if they thought Miley was gonna sit down and play piano like Alicia Keys?”
But a source tells TMZ that Paula was raging on the inside and she felt like Robin “disrespected” her when he played along with Miley. The source went on to say that Miley improvised the whole messy act and Paula didn’t know she was going to do that and didn’t like that Robin went along with it. That was the beginning of the end, apparently. Paula’s rage grew when she saw that picture of Robin sticking his hand up a trick’s ass and those pictures of Robin putting his greasy dough face near the face of some barely legal-looking girl in Paris. They started fighting more and more and then Paula cut the cord.
So, TMZ’s source really wants us to believe that Miley is a ho shit genius and made that all up on the spot and it wasn’t intricately choreographed down to every twerk and pussy grab? Please. That mess was more choreographed than Kim Kardashian’s entire life. And Robin was a slut long before Miley’s un-breaded Chicken McNuggets butt came along. Paula probably just didn’t like that he wasn’t keeping his whore-iness on the down low anymore.
But really, Paula waited a long time to dump his ass. I would’ve dialed the divorce lawyer as soon as he strolled out of his dressing room looking like a pimp douche version of Beetlejuice. Beetlequeef.
I would rather choke on my own tongue pic.twitter.com/fVUQTCwrb9
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) February 24, 2014
Somewhere in Malibu, Julia Roberts just crossed Miley Cyrus’s name off her shit list. “That’s right; nobody plays Tinkerbell but me, bitch. Danny? Send a memo to NBC telling them I ~might~ be available for Peter Pan.”
File this under Unexpected Surprises; today I’ve learned two things I didn’t already know about Miley Cyrus, and both of them make me like her just a little bit more. I know, I must be inhaling the same fucked-up airplane glue as Riccardo Tisci. The first thing I’ve learned about Miley is that, despite evidence to the contrary, she has at least one working brain cell that’s able to separate shitty decisions from true career killers (if you’ve only got one brain cell left, that’s the one you want). On Monday, Miley tweeted a picture of a tabloid story that claims she’s “determined” to land the role of Tinkerbell in NBC’s live broadcast of Peter Pan with the caption: “I would rather choke on my own tongue.” Oh Miley, don’t choke on it. It’s so toxic it would rot a hole though your trachea and you’ll have to sing through an electrolarynx like Ned from South Park.
And the second thing I learned about Miley that makes me like her is that she eats Kettle Chips. Kettle Chips are friggin delicious, so I refuse to throw shade at anyone with good taste in snacks, And yes, I was able to spot a blurry brown shape in the upper lefthand corner of that picture and correctly identify it as a bag of Lightly Salted Kettle Chips. Never underestimate the power of my processed sodium addiction and Rain Man-like ability to find fried foods.
Two of Katy Perry’s missions in life must be to become Valtrex’s MVP and the reigning Empress of the Free Clinic, because she’s already wrapped her parts around John Mayer’s most-wanted-by-the-CDC dick and last night in L.A. she put her mouth lips on Miley Cyrus’ mouth lips. What’s next? Katy’s going to do a Fireball shot out of Parasite Hilton’s asshole?
While singing her song “Adore You” during her show at the Staples Center in L.A. last night, the chipmunk Slytherin jumped down in the audience and did mouth-to-mouth with Katy Perry.
The way those two wrecks jumped back all shocked-like. They looked like two 13-year-old girls who were forced to kiss during a dare at the worst slumber party ever. Two straight pop twats doing some manufactured lesbian stuff for attention is SO SHOCKING and SO CURRENT and SO EDGY. That picture looks like a malnourished Moose Mason sucking on Veronica Lodge’s face. Katy Perry must really love topical ointments and regular visits to the free clinic, because who in Super Lysine hell would put their mouth on the mouth of a sucio ho who eats dirty thongs? Dirty thong-breathed bitch! And we already knew this, but Miley is a new kind of gross for bareback kissing a trick who has put her mouth on John Mayer’s parts. That clip would make a really good commercial for bleach. Where were the Scrubbing Bubbles when we all needed them most?
And in case you missed it, here’s
Justin Bieber Miley yodeling out the “country version” of Outkast’s “Hey Ya.”
It disturbs me that I willingly listened to that TWICE and didn’t pour whole bottles of rubbing alcohol into my ears immediately afterward. Pray 4 me.
Since I live in a fantasy world where the only relationships that matter are television relationships, I’ve tried not to get involved in Jared Leto’s love life; unless he’s dating Angela Chase, it’s unimportant to me. But I sort of started to give a bit of a care (like a handful of care) when I heard the definition-of-random rumor that he was dating class-act Lupita Nyong’o. And because I have an interest in communicable diseases, I started to really care when I heard he was maybe ‘making the fuck’ on Miley Cyrus. Unfortunately, during her appearance on Ellen today, Lupita seems to be just as baffled as we are and isn’t able to make sense of this messy love triangle either:
Ellen DeGeneres: You’re actually in tabloids, which means you’ve really made it. Because there are rumors that you and Jared Leto are together.
Lupita Nyong’o: Ah, but I thought Miley Cyrus broke us up. That was the last thing I heard. It’s crazy, cause when I read these rumors, they’re so detailed that even I start to question whether they’re true or not. I know I’ve believed them in the past and now I guess I can’t believe anything.
How classy is she? Ah, but I thought. I’m stealing that; I’m going to sound so sophisticated the next time I reach for a deep burn. “Ah, but I thought I sensed something chubby and corny.” Even though Lupita would NEVER call someone chubby and corny; she seems more like the silent type that can take a bitch to task with a carefully administered side-eye.
I was so hopeful this was turning into a modern-day The Boy Is Mine with Lupita playing the part of Brandy and Miley playing the part of Monica (in this version, Monica is an aggressive horny rodent who’s built up a tolerance to the rabies vaccine) but it sounds like Lupita doesn’t care much for drama school theatrics or playing the press. Rats. There goes the possibility of hearing the phrase “Close your legs and leave my man alone, you Carolina Herrera-clad ho!” on Oscar night.
I don’t know if this story is real or just something cooked up by Clorox to boost sales of bleach, but Us Weekly is reporting that Miley Cyrus and Jared Leto might be doing it. And by it, I mean rubbing their grimy, sweaty stank parts together on a pile of crusty underwear (you know they’re the type). A source says that the two had a sleepover at Jared’s house in early February and they’ve been hooking up ever since.
I’m sure you’re asking yourself: “Besides 9 out of 10 stamps on their Free Clinic loyalty card and the weird skin rash you get from being in the same room as Terry Richardson, what the fuck would 21-year-old Miley and 42-year-old Jared have in common?” Oh, lots of things! Dry shampoo, drop-crotch pants, My So-Called Life (“I’m just so into the 90s, y’all!” – Miley). But the source says they’ve also bonded over the following:
“They like to have a good time, they love to talk about art and music, and they’re both comfortable with nudity!”
I should hope so. Have you ever fucked on someone, and immediately after you finish they scream “DON’T TURN ON THE LIGHTS!!” and start sprinting around the room like a goddamn cum-covered Usain Bolt searching for their underwear? It’s a major bummer. No, what really concerns me is the kind of music the lead singer from 30 Seconds to Mars and the person responsible for Love Money Party are talking about. I’d literally rather picture their bare asses twerking on a trash bag filled with used bandaids than listen to more than 5 seconds of them repetitively asking each other: “How dope is this track? It’s totally dope, right?”
The brain dead child that Stuart from MadTV conceived while high on battery acid and bath salts is not even a week into her
Bangerz Trapped Clit and Muppet Porn World Tour and bitch has already taken shit to new disgusting and gross levels of SUCIO. That picture is so damn blurry that if you told me it was a 19-year-old Aaron Carter smoking meth out of a dick-shaped pipe or Justin Bieber chewing on a phallic-ass teething ring, I wouldn’t accuse you of telling lies. But Popdust says that it’s a picture of Miley putting a thong in her mouth after a fan threw it on stage at her show in Tacoma, Washington last night. Random snatch saliva and ass crack nectar is what’s for dinner. A fan at Miley’s show tweeted this about Miley getting her daily serving of nutritional yeast.
OMFG SOMEONE JUST THREW THEIR THONG ON STAGE AND MILEY PUT IT IN HER MOUTH!!!!!
— smiler. (@JasonTrannn) February 17, 2014
Gross ass chonies-eating slag. Whatever, I’m sure this was all just a choreographed stunt to make Miley look SO EDGY and SO HARD, but my thoughts and prayers are really with that thong. That poor thong is the innocent victim in all of this. Do you know how many gallons of hot water and how many scoops of powdered bleach it’s going to take get Miley’s thrush gunk out of its cotton patch? Nobody’s thinking about the poor thong.
And please don’t say that Billy Ray Cyrus probably threw that thong. I’m going to hit the stop button before we get to the part where the camera pans into the audience and Billy Ray winks at us after throwing that thong on stage.