Category: Miley Cyrus

Miley + The Flaming Lips + Lots And Lots Of Drugs = This Wreck

July 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Here’s more proof that bad things happen when Miley Cyrus and Wayne Coyne from The Flaming Lips get together.

I thought that Wayne Coyne getting a janky prison tattoo of Miley Cyrus’ dead dog inked into his flesh was the worst decision involving Miley that he’s ever made, but he proved me wrong with this way-too-long acid nightmare of a movie that melted parts of my brain about 15 seconds in. This is Nancy Reagan’s new favorite movie and she wishes it would’ve come out in the 80s, because it’s the perfect anti-drugs PSA.

The video, which The Flaming Lips call “Blonde SuperFreak Steals the Magic Brain” and Guantanamo Bay officials call “our new favorite torture device,” starts out with a rejected John Waters character stealing JFK’s brain (which has the formula for LSD  in it) from a half-dead Miley. That first shot of a barely alive Miley drooling out foam is you while watching this video. Moby, who did himself like Pimp Mama Kris in her purest form, plays a cult leader who orders his minions, Lesbian Bigfoot and Nympho Manson Girl, to steal the glob of acid slime from Miley. Wayne described that mess like this to Rolling Stone:

“The video story is something like this: Moby is an evil, power-hungry cult leader. He wants the world’s most valuable (according to our story) psychedelic supernatural possession… John F. Kennedy’s brain….the brain contains the original formula for the drug LSD!!!

Miley Cyrus has the magic brain!!! And Moby enlists a nympho Manson girl-type blonde superfreak to go steel the brain from Cyrus.

She steals the brain from Cyrus while Cyrus is still in bed in a drug-induced coma. Cyrus finally wakes up and is mega-pissed that her BRAIN has been stolen. She enlists a burned-faced Santa and a lesbian Bigfoot ( that are hovering in a nearby spaceship) to hunt down the blond superfreak that stole her brain. They have a relentless pursuit, all the while Cyrus laments the loss of her magic brain and Moby gains powerful rainbows from hell. In the end, the blond superfreak kills Santa and Bigfoot and a baby mole ends up with the brain…”

The TL;DR version of Wayne Coyne’s description is: “I love drugs!”

This is something that a freshmen film major who thinks they’re the next David Lynch would make and edit while blindfolded and high on freon, because they really want to impress their professor James Franco.

If you really want to put your will to live to the test, watch the NSFWness below. If you make it past 10 seconds like I did, I’ll see you in the check-in area of Bellevue, because we obviously need serious help and shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions for ourselves.

I Didn’t Know Lisa Frank Made Pet Memorials

June 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Nearly three months ago, Miley Cyrus’s adorable dog Floyd was carried up to Heaven on a cloud of bong smoke after a no-good asshole coyote came for his ass, and it seemed like no amount of dirty skunk weed or pussy-squeezing snap-bottom bodysuits could cheer Miley up. Even when Mama Trish tried to dry her tears with a new puppy named Moonie, Miley told her to take it back because she didn’t feel right replacing Floyd.

But the dark cloud of coyote-scented sadness finally drifted away, because Miley says that Floyd has given his blessing for her to get a new dog. The glue-huffing Kelly Generic posted a picture of her new dog friend, Emu Coyne Cyrus, to Instagram, and claimed that Floyd took a break from sniffing dog butts in Heaven to tell her that he’s ok with her new dog friend. Then he went back to trying to hump God’s leg and nosing through the trashcan in Heaven’s bathroom.

Floyd claims he’s cool with Miley’s new dog, but we all know that ghosts are notoriously fickle, so to make sure Floyd doesn’t get jealous and come back to haunt her ass by leaving ghost dookies on the rug, she made a giant shrine in his honor. I didn’t know much about Floyd before, but if this shrine is saying anything, it’s that Floyd is sucking Snausages through a straw in Heaven after spending his time on Earth rolling hard on ecstasy at Doggie Raves and grinding all his teeth down to stubbins.

And speaking of dog poo, slimy wet prune juice turd Terry Richardson released a couple pictures of Miley and Moonie on his website today. Who the hell knows when these were taken, since Moonie was given a pink slip and escorted out of the building by security back in April, but I think I now know why Moonie didn’t stick around very long. Dogs can practically smell evil, so any dog that doesn’t attempt to maul Terry Richardson is clearly defective and needs to be sent back to the factory.

Pic: Instagram, Terry Richardson

Shailene Woodley Wants You To LEAVE MILEY CYRUS ALOOOONE!

June 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Human dreamcatcher Shailene Woodley took a break from making shampoo from hand-crushed wildflowers and shopping for a high-energy piece of quartz (because she has a stubborn headache that just won’t go away) to give an interview for Vanity Fair’s ”Hollywood’s Next Wave” issue. Shailene was her usual Shailene-y self (“In lieu of a designer [water] bottle, Woodley clutches a glass Mason jar”) and maybe it was the result of going off on a tangent about exposed pussies, but she started talking about Miley Cyrus:

“Miley isn’t rude or mean or cruel to anyone in her actions. She just does herself. And regardless of whether you agree with what she’s doing or not, it’s none of your business what she does. She’s not in the world doing mean things. Why are all these parents or all these people freaking out about Miley being herself? If you don’t want your kids to watch it, you know, you can change that situation at home, but don’t make a big deal of what she’s doing. Make a big deal about the bullies at school who are beating kids up.”

Shailene Woodley is a vegan (I know, I’m shocked too) so of course she’s coming to the defence of Miley Cyrus. Most people would freak out and call animal control or turn on the hose if they came face to face with a rabid rodent like Miley Cyrus, but not Shailene. She comes to the rescue of even the nastiest, greasiest, horniest hillbilly possums. Shailene is a true animal lover.

And I know Shailene would rather us focus on bullies beating kids up, she needs to realize that Miley does her fair share of beating. That poor pussy of hers takes a beating every damn night when Noah hands her a pair of dirty tweezers so she can rip out every last hair and squeeze it into a suffocating snap-bottom bodysuit.

Pic: Splash

Noah Cyrus Is Miley’s Pussy Police

June 24, 2014 / Posted by:

14-year-old Noah Cyrus has taken a little break from working the pole and has gotten herself a job on her big sister’s tour. During an interview on Australia’s 2Day FM, one of the show’s hosts Sophie Monk asked Miley Cyrus’ Astro Boy with a peroxide job-looking ass if she waxes her twat area since she wears leotards that pretty much expose all of her tortured, hairless, albino beaver. Miley could’ve just said that she keeps her bits smooth by smearing green tomato puree on her crotch before letting her pappy’s pet baby possum chew the hairs off, but nope. Instead, Miley had to take us there by saying that her little sister Noah is the Pussy Police and stares at her snatch zone to make sure none of her pork rinds are popping out. Thank you for that visual, Miley. Chris Hansen, I left the door open for you. via E! 

“My sister—what channel are we on right now, so I can’t say ‘pussy,’” Miley initially stopped herself. But after Sophie informed her that she could use the p-word, even saying it herself for good measure, Miley then revealsed that 14-year-old Noah Cyrus is her “pussy police.”

“She makes sure that, you know, everything is staying intact,” the singer explained.

The Pussy Police Force should immediately take away Noah’s Pussy Police badge and put her on unpaid leave, because she is not doing her job. What kind of Pussy Police Officer presses the ignore button when they look at Miley’s crotch and see its mangled and strangled pussy lips use all of its energy to say, “Ayúdame.” (Yes, in my mind, Miley’s pussy is Mexican.) Officer Noah probably sees that all the time and does nothing! Any respectable Pussy Police Officer would immediately throw Miley on Death Row for regularly strangling her pussy with leotards. Noah is being bought. How shameful. Whatever happened to taking the Pussy Police Oath seriously?

And somewhere in his basement, Billy Ray Cyrus is weeping hillbilly tears into Taco Bell wrappers and wondering why he’s not on the Pussy Police Force.

Miley Cyrus Keeps Throwing Shade At Selena Gomez

June 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Miley Cyrus must have run out of shit to rub her grimy hillbilly cooter on and dirty drugs to stuff into her possum mouth and slumber party dance routines to choreograph with her sister, because it appears she’s taken to fighting the Bangerz Tour down-time boredom by coming for toddler-faced chipmunk chanteuse Selena Gomez. It was foolish of me to assume that being woken up this morning by a bunch of rats getting into a noisy trash can fight would be the only time I’d be dealing with dramatic rodents today.

After losing the “Favourite International Artist or Group” award to Selena Gomez at the MuchMusic Video Awards (in association with Satan), Miley followed up her performance of “FU” with a cardboard cutout of Selena by taking a swipe at the long-lost 4th Chipette on Twitter:

What Miley’s remaining freon-corroded brain cell was trying to say is: “Rigged voting is whack just sayin.” Rigged? Are you kidding me? It’s a MuchMusic Video Award; it makes the “No Cavities!” sticker they give out at the dentist look like a goddamn Nobel Prize. Bitch needs to chill the fuck out.

And furthermore, what the fuck crawled into Miley’s thong-chafed ass cheeks (besides crabs, obviously) to make her start throwing shade at Selena? Forget my initial comparison to rodents, this is turning into a bitchy 6th grade fight during recess. Miley makes a paper doll of Selena and gives it the middle finger. Then when Selena wins a spot on Student Council, Miley tells the rest of the 6th grade girls that the election was rigged and cries because she’s “more popular and has way better ideas for school dances”. Then Miley starts a rumor that Selena isn’t even allowed to shave her legs yet and calls her a baby for thinking Lip Smackers are the same as lipstick.

Here’s more of the coolest mean girl in middle school leaving Barcelona last night:

Pics: InstagramSplash

Miley Cyrus Sang “FU” To A Cardboard Cutout Of Selena Gomez

June 10, 2014 / Posted by:

At Sunday night’s show in Milan (“I love Italy! Pass the Beefaroni, y’all!”) Canary Yellow’s brake fluid-chugging country cuzzin Miley Cyrus spotted someone in the audience holding a cardboard cutout with the head of Selena Gomez and the body of a gingerbread Dr. Frank-N-Furter. So she did what anyone would do when their Google alerts have been a little lethargic; she picked up the toddler-faced cutout and hillbilly yodelled “FU” to it while giving it the finger.

TMZ has the grainy video of Miley serenading the Flat Stanley version of Selena (yes that was my second Flat Stanley joke of the day, and no I didn’t hire my eight-year-old neighbour to ghost write for me so I could finish watching OITNB) and she only sings with it for a moment before throwing it back into the audience. Some think that possum-brained tweaker snatched it during “FU” to send a shady message to Selena. Others say she was excited to see a prop she hadn’t yet rubbed her stank on. But let’s be honest, she probably took it because she thought it might have drugs.

Miley has a nose like a bloodhound; her sense of smell is so sharp, she can detect drugs from more than 20 feet away (the TSA actually tried to use her as an alternative to drug-sniffing dogs, but she got fired when she wouldn’t stop eating the drugs and humping people’s legs). She probably caught a whiff of the T3′s she keeps hidden in her coochie, spotted what she thought was Towelie’s girlfriend (aka her dealer), pulled her on stage so she could buy drugs, mouthed “Y’all cain’t arrest me if I’m in International Waters, y’all!” to security, realized she was holding a drawing on a pizza box, sniffed at the bikini for leftover Sharpie fumes, then tossed it back into the audience with a note that said “NEXT TIME HAVE DRUGS PLZ”.

Pic: Splash

Oh No! Miley’s House Got Burgled, Y’All!

June 2, 2014 / Posted by:

While human can of dirty computer duster Miley Cyrus was off in Europe terrorizing the citizens of Helsinki with her Bangerz tour (fun fact: two seconds after she threw her rancid moss-covered tongue out, government officials were forced to change the name of their city to Smellstinki) TMZ says that two burglars broke into her home in the Valley and got their steal on.

Miley’s assistant (Towelie) arrived at Miley’s home around midnight on Saturday night and discovered that shit was all a mess, which wasn’t a surprise to the assistant, since rodents are known to live in squalor. However, the assistant remembered that Miley was in Europe and realized the mess must have been the result of a pack of thieving bastards, so they called the LAPD and asked for the SVU (stealin’ from vermin unit). The police say the suspects, a man and a woman, scaled the fence and entered the home through the garage, and made off with Miley’s esspensive joo-rey and a 2014 Maserati worth $102,000.

My question is this: where was Miley’s army of dogs while all of this was happening?? I know Floyd is paws-deep in a bottomless bag of Snausages on the Rainbow Bridge, but what about the other 3 or 4 or however many Cyrus puppies there are? They should have pulled a Kevin McCallister and defended their home against those burglars with a series of wacky booby-traps and pranks. Can you imagine if during the planning stages, one of them pulled out a picture of Trace and said “Miley, your brother! WOOF!”? It would have been hilarious. Goddamn it, Miley’s dogs, get your shit together! At the very least start keeping a bucket of Micro Machines at the front door.

Pic: Instagram

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Miley Cyrus Calls America’s Sweetheart A Liar

May 22, 2014 / Posted by:

That episode of Late Night with Seth Meyers where the world’s greatest American Jennifer Lawrence said she barfed at some fancy Oscar party in front of Miley Cyrus finally aired last night. Jennifer told Seth that she and her friend went to Madge’s after-Oscar party and she ended up vomming all over the patio. No, Jennifer didn’t barf because she was so disgusted by all the self-important assholes yanking each other’s dicks at that party. She barfed because the drunks got to her. Jennifer said that after she yacked, she turned around and Miley Cyrus was standing there like, “Get it together.” You know, it’s funny, because an entire world has been telling Miley’s ass to get it together. Well, there’s a PLOT TWIST!

When someone tweeted the story, Miley responded and stamped the words “LIE TELLER” right on Jennifer Lawrence’s pathological liar forehead. Miley deleted it a quick minute later, but ONTD got a screencap:

mileyjenniferlawrenceoscarparty

Who to believe? Who to believe?

Do we believe Jennifer Lawrence who probably makes up funny stories all the time for interviews, because she’s got an image to sell? Or do we believe Miley Cyrus who probably doesn’t remember what happened 5 seconds ago, let alone what happened the night of the Oscars?

I’m guessing what really happened is that Jennifer Lawrence was so wasted out of her mind that she thought it was Miley Cyrus who was throwing looks of judgement at her, but it was actually Justin Bieber in sequined heart-shaped pasties and a candy thong. It’s an easy mistake.

Open Post: Hosted By Miley Cyrus And A Giant Inflatable Penis

May 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Canary Yellow’s glue-sniffing hooker-looking country cousin Miley Cyrus is currently terrorizing London (cut to Baby Prince George giving “Ugh WHY?” face). On Friday night she performed a surprise show at Heaven’s G-A-Y and because Miley isn’t Miley unless she’s putting something gross in her mouth, she licked an giant inflatable penis that was floating around in the audience. And this possum-brained trick wonders why she’s always laid up in the hospital with 50-CCs of penicillin pumping directly into her bloodstream.

She also dedicated her show in honor of her friends’s 23rd birthday by letting this gem escape from her freon-filled thoughts:

“He’s straight but I said that for years too, and finally it gets easier. You know, everyone’s a little bit gay. Some of us just a little bit more than others. You know, it’s the truth. Everyone’s gay. All it takes is one cocktail. And if that doesn’t work, sprinkle something in their drink. That’s what I always do.”

For those of you concerned Miley is advocating the use of roofies to turn someone gay, I don’t think that’s the “something” she’s alluding to. First off, Miley would never waste drugs on someone else, no matter what kind they are. Roofies, Viagra, Celebrex; a pill is a potential party and it’s going in her mouth. The only “something” she’s sprinkling in their drink is a mouthful of dried flakes that fall off her diseased tongue when she talks. I don’t know how that’s supposed to turn someone gay; maybe they’re hoping that a sip on Miley’s cooch will hold the antidote to the mouth disease they just drank?

Pic: Instagram

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Miley Is Still Sick, Starting To Cancel Concerts In Europe Now

May 1, 2014 / Posted by:

The bastard love child of Canary Yellow and a $10 bag of gas station weed got some bad news this week when doctors told Miley Cyrus that she still hasn’t recovered from the allergic reaction she had to antibiotics, and that she’s isn’t allowed to travel just yet, thus postponing the start of the European leg of her Bangerz tour. E! News says that the Miss Pretty Possum pageant runner-up (the winner was an actual possum) has been forced to reschedule shows in Amsterdam and Antwerp, but still plans on performing at London’s O2 Arena on May 6th.

Miley has been sick since April 15th, and I mean, I’m no doctor (unless you count watching episodes of Dr. Oz as medical training, in which case I’m basically the Surgeon General), but that’s a long-ass time to be in the hospital for an allergic reaction, right? Or do hillbilly hospitals work differently, like once you check in to triage, you’re given a 2L bottle of Mountain Lightning and told to wait a couple weeks till they’re able to get their hands on some home-made OxyContin and a jar full of leeches? Either way, something in the milk ain’t clean here (then again, if Miley’s touched the milk, it’s definitely no longer clean).

Regardless of whether or not Miley is still suffering from an allergic reaction to antibiotics or she’s just drying out at a clinic that specializes in crotch-rot addiction, she’s definitely bummed out:

Screen Shot 2014-05-01 at 1.49.42 PM

I feel bad for Miley, but I feel more sorry for whichever doctor drew the short straw and had to tell her she was no longer going to the Disneyland of Weed (Amsterdam); I hope someone drafted up an emergency plan at the ICU before hand on how to deal with a devastated irate weasel reacting to bad news.

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