Seen above looking like a chipmunk Dennis the Menace, Miley Cyrus is in the hospital AGAIN and surprisingly she isn’t in the hospital because she was forced into quarantine by the health department after sucking on Wonky McValtrex’s mouth muscle of nast.
TMZ says that Miley checked into the hospital yesterday after suffering some kind of wrist injury (I’m going with fap session gone wrong) and since Billy Ray’s child is the Patron Saint of Too Much Fucking Information, she Instagrammed pictures of her gaping gash. We’ve seen Miley’s nipples and have pretty much seen her cooter lips, so why not look at her flesh? The pictures of Miley’s cut open wrist don’t really gross me out, because I lived through those heave-worthy pictures of her strangling her albino beaver for Uncle Terry. I’m fully desensitized.
Miley also spent some time adding a dose of WTF to her gash picture with the help of Photoshop, because when you’re laid up in a hospital bed and riding high on a wave of painkillers, what else do you have to do? I have to say that I’m a little jealous of the doctors and nurses. Because when they opened up her cut all the way, they probably got a good high from inhaling the cloud of weed that escaped out of her body.
I honestly didn’t think it was possible for there to be anyone more enthusiastic about partying than human hillbilly drug disposal Miley Cyrus, but apparently there is, and TMZ says it’s her current partner in staged photo-ops Patrick Schwarzenegger. According to multiple sources who have partied with Miley and Patrick (Hi Paris Hilton’s herpes sores!), it’s Patrick who is the booze-guzzling drug-hoovering party rat, not Miley. Well, technically she is, but just a little less than Patrick.
Maria Shriver’s kid is still in Miami with Miley for that Art Basel bullshit and has been allegedly raging non-stop. Apparently it’s all strippers and night clubs for Patrick, and he’s raging harder than a Kardashian at an All-You-Can-Botox buffet. A source says that Patrick is well known in the EDM scene, and he’s no stranger to weed. WEED?! Insert Neil deGrasse Tyson watch out we got a badass.gif here.
And TMZ says even Patrick’s family are laughing at the idea that Miley might be corrupting their innocent baby boy with her gas-huffing stripper chipmunk antics. They say they know he likes to party and they’re hoping Miley might “slow him down“. I’m sorry, but Miley is like a bag of coke on speed; the only thing slow about her is the wheel in her brain responsible for cranking out smart thoughts.
Personally, I’m not sure who I think parties harder. On the one hand, Patrick has access to that next-level Kennedy Compound coke, which means Patrick don’t play when it comes to drugs. On the other hand, Miley has no doubt built up a tolerance to harder, weirder shit, like powdered moonshine and home-made hillbilly quaaludes. I think the real test is for them to go back in time to 2007 and party with Lindsay Lohan. Whoever can still remember their own name at the end of the night wins!
I’m pretty sure that’s how Contagion started.
In the war room of the CDC, top scientists and infectious diseases specialists are working on a plan to drop a quarantine tent around the entire state of Florida before the super STD that was born yesterday morning crosses state lines and destroys us all. Art Basel, the Coachella for the art world, is happening in Miami right now and so many celebrity gutter tramps are currently terrorizing Florida. E! News says that a CDC nightmare was created at the Miami club E11EVEN early yesterday morning when Miley Cyrus’ toxic yeast rod of a tongue made its way into Wonky McValtrex’s mouth. To quote whoever wrote on that wall in 28 Days Later: REPENT/THE END IS/EXTREMELY/FUCKING/NIGH!
Several sources tell E! that after Jeremy Scott’s Moschino Barbie party, Miley dragged her silent twink boy toy Patrick Schwarzenegger to E11EVEN where they met up with Wonky. Since Miley Cyrus would stick her tongue in a naked mole rat’s asshole if it got her attention and Wonky is forever a 16-year-old straight girl who thinks making out with other girls at the club is ~edgy~, those two cochinas mouth fucked. It’s Valtrex’s answer to Taylor and Karlie.
The massive celeb-studded party that is Art Basel Miami showed no signs of dying down last night (or this morning), with Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton keeping the anything-goes action going by making out in the wee hours at E11EVEN, a cabaret/nightclub in South Beach, multiple sources tell E! News.
As Patrick watched, he thought to himself, “Gurrrl, better Wonks than me.”
If you put a microscope magnifying glass up to Miley and Wonky’s mouths as they made out, it probably looked like the Battle of Gettysburg. All those strains of diseases battling each other. I wonder which one won out? I’m going with herpes.
And here’s Miley transferring Wonky’s saliva to Patrick while hanging out with twink pilgrim Cody Simpson at some restaurant in Miami Beach.
Pics: Splash, Getty
I’m sorry, you’ll need to give me a moment. I’m still coming down from the second-hang high I got from looking at these pictures of Princess Hillbilly Moonbeam of the Psychedelic Humanoid Gophers Miley Cyrus at Art Basel in Miami last night. Speaking of which, if any of you know the best way to remove invisible spiders from underneath your eyeballs, please let me know.
It all makes sense that this tinfoil fuckery took place in Florida; Miley looks like a condom wrapper that washed up on Panama City Beach and a come-to-life meth pipe. “How dare you! I’ve never looked that busted!” hissed meth. According to Page Six, Miley performed a bunch of covers looking like a $0.99 swap meet knock-off Dazzler doll with Wayne Coyne of The Flaming Lips at a party hosted by Tommy Hilfiger and V Magazine.
Page Six says she was also joined by “people dressed in shark costumes, a man dressed as a penis with silver streamers coming out of the top, and a giant mushroom. The stage was flanked in the audience by giant rubber duckies and trees with baby dolls strung to them.” What, no three-headed hot dogs or a 7-foot-tall backwards-talking shoe? I guess they were on a budget. That, or all the money went to making Miley look like a fungus found growing on the toilet seat in one of the bathrooms at Studio 54.
And because Miley isn’t Miley unless she’s chugging moonshine, acting like an aspiring trailer park stripper, or shoving felony quantities of drugs in her dirty possum mouth, she also apparently got drunk, took her top off, and smoked weed on stage. “How y’all doing, Miami? Hope ya got yer shots, cause I’m wrecked as shit and fixin to rub my rashes on everything!”
The first time we saw horny human joint Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger, they were leaving Patrick’s apartment the morning after what many assumed was a night filled with Miley twerking her mudflaps against Patrick’s crotch and asking if he’d want to see her “sex mouse”. And now it looks like they’ve upgraded their relationship from We Might Be Fucking to Oh Yeah, We Fucking. Congrats, you two crazy kids!
Miley and Patrick decided to take their love public last night at a USC Trojans football game by taking selfies of themselves slobbering all over each other, and luckily a pap was there to catch the whole thing. That’s so great, because how many times have you tried to take a picture of you pretending to make out with your current fuck partner and thought “I really wish I had a picture of this from several different angles”? All the time, right? Not to mention that a college football game is the perfect place to announce to the world that you’re officially fucking, since there’s no more hallowed ground for horny crotch-bumping youngins than the jizz-sprayed bleachers of a football field.
And in case you’re wondering why a GED recipient from Billy Bob’s Backwoods Book Learnin’ Academy is wearing head-to-toe USC colors, it’s because Patrick went there. Then again, Miley could just be wearing it because she likes Trojans. “I also like LifeStyles and Durex and the ones which you gets from the gas station vending machines that taste like strawberry! Thems mah favorite!”
That feels a bit unfair, because at this point, isn’t nearly every semi-famous dude under 25 one of Taylor Swift’s leftovers? According to The Daily Mail and E! and a couple other sources who own a horny hillbilly radar machine, Herself the Elf’s glue-huffin’ trailer park cousin Miley Cyrus might be humping on Ah-nold Schwarzenegger’s hot aspiring pizza tycoon son Patrick. Get it girl! Get that sweet pizza dick!
Miley was seen leaving Patrick’s apartment on Friday, which we all know is the universal signal for “we done fucked”, but the love affair between Patrick and his backwoods lady love might have started waaay before that. In 2011, Patrick – who was dating Tater Head’s sister Talluah Willis at the time – gave an interview to Details where he admitted that he had his eyes set on Miley (the actual quote was “My eye, though, is set on Miley“, which is definitely not super creepy at all). Eventually they went on a couple dates after Patrick got Miley’s number from Selena Gomez, but nothing really ever came of it. Patrick then went on to tongue-fuck Tay Tay Swift during her Kennedy Family phase and date a trick named Tootsie, while Miley continued to be in a long-term relationship with weed. The fate intervened and was like “You two sluts should hook up again“, and here we are.
Tay Tay used to spend many a night wishing on a star like a skinny blond Fievel Mousekewitz to land a Kennedy man (or at the very least, something Kennedy-adjacent), so I would love to know what she thinks about Miss Moonshine moving in on her turf. If she’s anything like me, she probably can’t wait to see if this lasts long enough for Miley to make a summer trip to the Kennedy Compound. I would do ANYTHING to see the hillbilly stripper chipmunk all gussied up in her best seersucker thong and popping her pussy on the mast of a sail boat.
“Here they are, y’all! Take a good look, cause you might not get to see ‘em for another couple of hours!”
The amfAR Inspiration Los Angeles Gala honoring Tom Ford was held on Wednesday night, and guess who showed up with her tits out? That’s right, everyone’s favorite permanent marker-huffing chipmunk Miley Cyrus! But since the amfAR Gala is some fancy shit, she knew she it would be inappropriate to roll up in a high-cut thong and weed leaf pasties. So instead, she decided to bust open a Sheer Elegance L’eggs, wear them as a shirt, and wrap up her backwoods nipple bits in some black duct tape. Miley is nothing if not a klassy lassy, after all.
THIS is how you do tasteful black tie elegance. Why wear a boring-ass evening gown when you can look like the crazy hillbilly cousin of Leeloo Dallas? Or a slutty futuristic project manager from Blade Runner? Or a waitress at an adults-only murder mystery dinner theater? Or a rejected member of The Black Tape Project (NSFW)? Or a goth figure skater? I could literally go on for hours, but you get the picture. BITCH LOOKS HOT!
And adding to the already dangerously high levels of Appalachian sophistication, Miley brought her gorgeous mom Tish Cyrus as her date. Sadly, Tish didn’t also dress like a slutty BDSM mime; instead, she wore a satin tablecloth and did her hair in a fancy show pony braid. Oh well, next time!
Here’s more of Miley looking like a low-budget Pris Stratton (because you need that in your life), as well as Lea Michele who – SURPRISE SURPRISE – was serving up middle-aged horny cougar realness, Alessandra Ambrosia Salad wearing the Las Vegas showgirl version of Miley’s outfit, and a bunch of boring covered-up hos:
Mexico might (read: probably not) do what other countries should’ve done a long time ago: Throw Miley Cyrus in jail!
During a show in Monterrey, Mexico on Tuesday night (which was Mexican Independence Day), Miley put on a ridiculous fake ass (in her defense, it looks more natural than Kim Kartrashian’s ass) and as she twerked for the audience, one of her dancers spanked her with the Mexican flag. To quote my abuelita when she’s in the company of children, “COCHINA!” To also quote my abuelita when she’s not in the company of children, “Pinche pendeja!” The Mexican flag butt whipping starts at around the 2:20 mark in the video below and to those who have said that Miley needs a serious ass whoopin, I don’t think this is what you had in mind:
The Mexican government is serious about their flag, so they’re not happy about this. There’s a law in Mehico stating that any trick who disrespects their flag may be fined or jailed. (I may or may not typed that sentence while wearing an ass-less Mexican flag Speedo.) Reuters says that the Nuevo Leon state legislature is coming after Miley and wants to spank her fake ass with either jail time or a fine. The stage legislature approved a warrant for Interior Ministry to enforce the flag law on Miley. Miley or her people could be fined up to $1,200 or they could be jailed for 36 hours. In 2008, Paulina Rubio was fined after she posed with the Mexican flag over her naked body.
Screw the fine, jail that hillbilly piece of basuda! If you’re thinking to yourself that Miley’s dancer should face punishment since he’s the one who spanked her with the flag, then you need to blow the cum dust out of your contacts, because that’s not what I’m seeing. Miley is OBVIOUSLY “twerking” into that flag, so she’s the one who committed the crime (just go with it). At the very least, Mexican officials should unleash Mexican novella queen Soraya Montenegro on Miley. In this GIF the role of Soraya Montenegro will be played by Soraya Montenegro and the role of Miley will be played by that girl in the wheelchair (Side note: Soraya IS Kanye’s hero):
LAAAAAAAAAAAAARGATE de aqui, Miley!
The face of the art world is about to get covered with a load of sticky, pineapple-infused cum and surprisingly enough, it’s not going to come from James Franco’s mouth. Franco, Lady CaCa, Joaquin Phoenix, Shia LaBeouf and Jay-Z can all eject themselves out of the art world, because a new challenger has arrived. Moonshine’s answer to Jeff Koons made a collection of sculptures (read: bitch didn’t make shit on her own) using crap and junk she’s collected from fans and airport stores during her tour. Miley Cyrus is going to debut her sculptures at V Magazine’s office gallery in Manhattan tomorrow. One of Miley’s cracked out “sculptures” is a pineapple and she tells V (via Jezebel, or in this case we should call it Jizzebel) that she created it after being inspired by yummy cum.
“This one’s a vibrator, which I got from a fan. They threw it on stage. And that’s a joint [attached to it], so that’s the vibe. I’ve gotten more and more about piling things on, but I try to put thought into everything. Even though it’s so stupid, I did the pineapple because you know what they say about pineapple, right? Yummy cum? If you drink a lot of pineapple juice you’re going to have yummy cum. So that’s why I put it on the dick with a bunch of babies, and it says, “Fuck.” I try to think about everything so it has a story to me.”
Seen here looking like a Hugga Bunch hitting puberty and rolling hard after trading hugs for bath salts, Miley Cyrus attended a super-secret party thrown by fashion designer Alexander Wang this weekend and as per usual she was in top amateur hillbilly stripper chipmunk form. I guess the dress code was “DRUGZ”, because Miley showed up wearing nothing but black leggings and pasties covering her backwoods nipple jerky. Oh, and a pair of sunglasses covered in pills and a pair of weed earrings, because why the hell not. Pills and weed? PAAAR-TAAAAY.
But just like the old saying goes: “You’re never fully dressed without a smile“, Miley made sure to accessorize her look with a beautiful high-as-fuck smile. Miley looks so stoned, I bet the she thought that dude she was standing beside was Prince. And that Prince-looking dude looks so high, I bet he was convinced he WAS Prince. He probably got up this morning and went door-to-door with a bunch of copies of The Watchtower asking people if they had time to talk about Jesus Christ.
Thankfully Miley managed to keep her pasties firmly affixed to her chipmunk nips, because nobody wants to see a topless tweaker. But she did try to tongue-fuck the host, because even though she’s dressed modestly don’t mean she ain’t not a raunchy horn-horn rodent, y’all!
Here’s more of Miley arriving at her hotel before the party and wearing actual clothes, as well as Miley on her way to Alexander Wang’s party. My say something nice is that Miley reminds me of this crazy blonde raver in my 11th grade science class who tried to get high by burning clumps of her hair over a bunsen burner and breathing in the smoke. I wonder what she’s up to now? Yeah, maybe it’s best if I don’t know.