Amateur hillbilly stripper chipmunk Miley Cyrus is on the cover of V Magazine’s “Rebel Issue”, which sort of makes sense, since she’s damn near re-wrote every chapter in the book of Former Disney Ho Rebellion. Slutty shower pics? Check. Smoking drugs? Check. Humping everything that moves? Check. More drugs? Oh, you betcha. The issue doesn’t come out until September 10th, but V Magazine decided to tease the cover a little early, because who wouldn’t want to see Miley laying on a pile of stuffed animals dressed like Beast Man’s skanky glue-sniffing half-sister?
But who’s responsible for this busted bowling alley claw game mess? Why that would be kunty tastemaker Karl Lagerfeld. Karl shot Miley and her Muppet fur-covered pork rinds for the cover, and it’s actually not the worst. Sure, it kind of looks like she’s posing for a sleazy ad that would run in the back pages of Sesame Street’s weekly free newspaper and, sure, that shark is giving “Help Me” eyes, but at least he managed to keep her clothes on, right?
Oh, for fucks sakes! As usual, I spoke too soon. It appears that Karl Lagerfeld also took a picture of Miley reaching for a slice of poontang pie with her backwoods pudding balloons out, because of course he did! It probably wasn’t even his choice! I bet Karl was all ready to pack up his shit when a naked-ass Miley lept in front of the door like a freon-huffing gazelle and hollered “Where do you think you’re going, Gay Dracula? We ain’t even done no nudes yet!”. Meanwhile, cut to that pile of stuffed animals all silently wishing for the incinerator from Toy Story 3.
Last night the VMA for video of the year went to Towelie’s hillbilly human cousin Miley Cyrus and her video for “Wrecking Ball”, but instead of calling professional creepy uncle Terry Richardson up on stage to say thanks for directing her to hump on the chain of a wrecking ball in her hillbilly birthday suit (ie. naked + work boots) and giving the entire audience a major case of the not-rights, Miley stayed seated and gave up her acceptance speech to a formerly-homeless dude named Jesse, who used his time on stage to bring awareness to the 54,000 homeless people in Los Angeles.
Jesse (who kind of looks like a hot Chad Kroeger)(that might have been the most unintentionally insulting thing I’ve ever said, I’m sorry Jesse) then urged Miley’s fans to visit her Facebook page to donate money to a homeless outreach called My Friend’s Place. All of it made Miley so overcome with e-mo-shun that she weeped chipmunk tears of joy, and the appearance of tears usually mean the VMAs were experiencing a ~deep~ moment, which means those klassless Kardashian hookers were probably Instagramming selfies of their tits and asking “Ew, what’s a homeless??”
But Miley’s philanthropy didn’t stop there. Earlier in the evening on the red carpet, Miley admitted that you’ll never have to reach for the brain bleach ever again, because she’s putting her canned chicken ass back in the can and retired from twerking. Miley admitted that after seeing Nicki Minaj’s glorious picnic jello salad ass destroy twerking in the video for “Anaconda”, she knew that bouncing her bony backwoods butt in a pair of butterscotch Pudding Roll-Ups underpants just wasn’t going to cut it anymore. Not to mention that her rancid mange-covered tongue only made but a brief appearance on the red carpet, AND she kept her possum-with-alopecia pussy and redneck nips covered? Miley is truly working on a whole ‘nother level of humanitarianism.
Miley Cyrus said goodbye to her Alaskan Klee Kai Floyd back in April, and ever since then she has worked tirelessly to find new and more creative ways to make sure the leg-humping legacy of Floyd lives on. The most recent way she’s chosen to honor his memory is with a five-foot-tall light-up bong covered in bracelets, beads, flowers, dinosaurs, ribbons, crap, shit, trash, garbage, crap, crap, and more crap. There is so much crap on this bong. Floyd must have been a next-level hoarder.
Even though it looks like every piece of plastic crap from here to Pluto has been used to decorate Floyd’s memorial bong, Miley says it’s not quite finished yet. But the cooter-popping hillbilly chipmunk princess was so proud of her “werk in progress” that she decided to post several pics to Instagram yesterday regardless of how unfinished it was. Miley says that Floyd’s memorial bong has been a collaboration between her fans, who have made her bracelets that spell out messages like YUCK, WEED, TWERK, and DRUGZ. Josh Groban just got really nervous, because he knows that funeral homes everywhere just threw out all their Josh Groban CDs and replaced them with a bong that says DRUGZ. Nothing is more comforting during a moment of quiet reflection than a bong that says DRUGZ.
If only we knew what Floyd thought of his memorial bong. I know he’d be glad Miley is still smoking obscene amounts of drugs (that’s a given) but I feel like he might turn his nose up at how crafternoon delight it is. That bong looks like Hobby Lobby barfed on a Christian Bible Camp. There are SO MANY DAMN BEADS. Plus there’s not a single sticker with a picture of a stoned cartoon alien holding a joint saying “Take me to your dealer”. Come on Miley, it’s not a crap-covered bong without a weed alien!
Dear Lobby of a NYC Hotel, feel our pain, because not many moments go by when Miley Cyrus isn’t terrorizing our retinas with the image of cooter abuse by flashing her hairless Nolichucky River beaver as it gasps for air while getting suffocated by her leotard.
Life & Style says that the spawn of Billy Ray Cyrus and a happy-go-lucky anime horse recently made a stop in NYC on her Bangerz world tour and the guests of the hotel she stayed in got a giant, sticky serving of her insufferableness. An “insider” tells Life & Style that Miley and her crew of hangers-on stayed at The Greenwich Hotel and they didn’t keep their foolery contained in their room. The foolery spilled out into the lobby and they tore the place apart. THEY WERE SMOKING POT! The “insider” said this:
“It was like a tornado hit the lobby. Miley and her posse took over, screaming and carrying on so much that management received a number of complaints. It was the kind of bad behavior you’d expect from a bunch of juvenile delinquents.”
Was my Catholic catechism teacher Life & Style’s “insider,” because she’s the only human alive I know who uses phrases like “juvenile delinquents.” Did the “insider” also say in a whispered voice (so that God’s ears couldn’t hear her), “They were also smoking that marry-juh-wan-uh.” The inside source was Mink Stole’s Serial Mom character, basically.
The source said that when management asked Miley if she could turn down the fuckery, she flipped out and channeled her beaver twin Justin Bieber:
“She started screaming at them and saying that she’s spent so much money there that they should be glad to have her. She basically threw a tantrum and acted like a spoiled brat.”
Management handled it all wrong. When a rabid, trailer trash, methed-out beaver comes into your space, you’re not supposed to try to reason with it, because it will violently twerk on you and then you’ll end up in the ER with a serious rabies infection. What you’re supposed to do is calmly place a blunt in front of it and as it chews on the edges of that blunt, you drop a net over it and call its wrangler (read: Billy Ray). If you don’t have a blunt, push one of those doggy sex toys in front of it and call its wrangler while it humps away.
And since we’re on the subject of Cyruses bringing terror upon the public, here’s Trace Cyrus and his band Metro Station, wreaking havoc on your ears with their new song and video. It’s like a Good Charlotte abortion.
On a positive note, unlike his piece of trash sister who doesn’t know how to act right in public, Trace is very well-mannered and well-behaved. I mean, have you ever seen a wild Emo horse sit so gentlemanly-like on a sofa?
Here’s Miley, her assistant Cheyne and one of her dogs leaving The Greenwich Hotel after almost destroying it.
Even though Miley Cyrus is a former A-list Disney child star turned current world-touring drug-gobbling coochie-poppin millionaire, and the daughter of a cultural icon (I’m of course referring to horse-faced hyacinth blossom Tish Cyrus), she’s always more than happy to remind us that she’s just a G-droppin’ banjo-pickin’ chicken-fried Mountain Dew-dipped down-home hillbilly river rat at heart. This weekend, Miley attended a hillbilly hootenanny in the woods with her ol’ pal (literally, too old to be hanging out with her ass) Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips where they dressed up like meth-smoking hicks and got drunk on moonshine. And of course, Miley made sure to Instagram all of it, including a picture of her pissing on a tree. Thank god! I’ve always been curious about what the glue-huffing dirtbag teenage son of the Blair Witch looked like.
But Miley’s “Ah is so cuntry, y’all!” act didn’t end with marking her territory against an oak tree in a pair of cut-offs. No, Miley managed to one-up her own faux-hillbilly self by adopting a pet pig that she named Bubba Sue. »
Here’s more proof that bad things happen when Miley Cyrus and Wayne Coyne from The Flaming Lips get together.
I thought that Wayne Coyne getting a janky prison tattoo of Miley Cyrus’ dead dog inked into his flesh was the worst decision involving Miley that he’s ever made, but he proved me wrong with this way-too-long acid nightmare of a movie that melted parts of my brain about 15 seconds in. This is Nancy Reagan’s new favorite movie and she wishes it would’ve come out in the 80s, because it’s the perfect anti-drugs PSA.
The video, which The Flaming Lips call “Blonde SuperFreak Steals the Magic Brain” and Guantanamo Bay officials call “our new favorite torture device,” starts out with a rejected John Waters character stealing JFK’s brain (which has the formula for LSD in it) from a half-dead Miley. That first shot of a barely alive Miley drooling out foam is you while watching this video. Moby, who did himself like Pimp Mama Kris in her purest form, plays a cult leader who orders his minions, Lesbian Bigfoot and Nympho Manson Girl, to steal the glob of acid slime from Miley. Wayne described that mess like this to Rolling Stone:
“The video story is something like this: Moby is an evil, power-hungry cult leader. He wants the world’s most valuable (according to our story) psychedelic supernatural possession… John F. Kennedy’s brain….the brain contains the original formula for the drug LSD!!!
Miley Cyrus has the magic brain!!! And Moby enlists a nympho Manson girl-type blonde superfreak to go steel the brain from Cyrus.
She steals the brain from Cyrus while Cyrus is still in bed in a drug-induced coma. Cyrus finally wakes up and is mega-pissed that her BRAIN has been stolen. She enlists a burned-faced Santa and a lesbian Bigfoot ( that are hovering in a nearby spaceship) to hunt down the blond superfreak that stole her brain. They have a relentless pursuit, all the while Cyrus laments the loss of her magic brain and Moby gains powerful rainbows from hell. In the end, the blond superfreak kills Santa and Bigfoot and a baby mole ends up with the brain…”
The TL;DR version of Wayne Coyne’s description is: “I love drugs!”
This is something that a freshmen film major who thinks they’re the next David Lynch would make and edit while blindfolded and high on freon, because they really want to impress their professor James Franco.
If you really want to put your will to live to the test, watch the NSFWness below. If you make it past 10 seconds like I did, I’ll see you in the check-in area of Bellevue, because we obviously need serious help and shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions for ourselves.
Nearly three months ago, Miley Cyrus’s adorable dog Floyd was carried up to Heaven on a cloud of bong smoke after a no-good asshole coyote came for his ass, and it seemed like no amount of dirty skunk weed or pussy-squeezing snap-bottom bodysuits could cheer Miley up. Even when Mama Trish tried to dry her tears with a new puppy named Moonie, Miley told her to take it back because she didn’t feel right replacing Floyd.
But the dark cloud of coyote-scented sadness finally drifted away, because Miley says that Floyd has given his blessing for her to get a new dog. The glue-huffing Kelly Generic posted a picture of her new dog friend, Emu Coyne Cyrus, to Instagram, and claimed that Floyd took a break from sniffing dog butts in Heaven to tell her that he’s ok with her new dog friend. Then he went back to trying to hump God’s leg and nosing through the trashcan in Heaven’s bathroom.
Floyd claims he’s cool with Miley’s new dog, but we all know that ghosts are notoriously fickle, so to make sure Floyd doesn’t get jealous and come back to haunt her ass by leaving ghost dookies on the rug, she made a giant shrine in his honor. I didn’t know much about Floyd before, but if this shrine is saying anything, it’s that Floyd is sucking Snausages through a straw in Heaven after spending his time on Earth rolling hard on ecstasy at Doggie Raves and grinding all his teeth down to stubbins.
And speaking of dog poo, slimy wet prune juice turd Terry Richardson released a couple pictures of Miley and Moonie on his website today. Who the hell knows when these were taken, since Moonie was given a pink slip and escorted out of the building by security back in April, but I think I now know why Moonie didn’t stick around very long. Dogs can practically smell evil, so any dog that doesn’t attempt to maul Terry Richardson is clearly defective and needs to be sent back to the factory.
Human dreamcatcher Shailene Woodley took a break from making shampoo from hand-crushed wildflowers and shopping for a high-energy piece of quartz (because she has a stubborn headache that just won’t go away) to give an interview for Vanity Fair’s ”Hollywood’s Next Wave” issue. Shailene was her usual Shailene-y self (“In lieu of a designer [water] bottle, Woodley clutches a glass Mason jar”) and maybe it was the result of going off on a tangent about exposed pussies, but she started talking about Miley Cyrus:
“Miley isn’t rude or mean or cruel to anyone in her actions. She just does herself. And regardless of whether you agree with what she’s doing or not, it’s none of your business what she does. She’s not in the world doing mean things. Why are all these parents or all these people freaking out about Miley being herself? If you don’t want your kids to watch it, you know, you can change that situation at home, but don’t make a big deal of what she’s doing. Make a big deal about the bullies at school who are beating kids up.”
Shailene Woodley is a vegan (I know, I’m shocked too) so of course she’s coming to the defence of Miley Cyrus. Most people would freak out and call animal control or turn on the hose if they came face to face with a rabid rodent like Miley Cyrus, but not Shailene. She comes to the rescue of even the nastiest, greasiest, horniest hillbilly possums. Shailene is a true animal lover.
And I know Shailene would rather us focus on bullies beating kids up, she needs to realize that Miley does her fair share of beating. That poor pussy of hers takes a beating every damn night when Noah hands her a pair of dirty tweezers so she can rip out every last hair and squeeze it into a suffocating snap-bottom bodysuit.
14-year-old Noah Cyrus has taken a little break from working the pole and has gotten herself a job on her big sister’s tour. During an interview on Australia’s 2Day FM, one of the show’s hosts Sophie Monk asked Miley Cyrus’ Astro Boy with a peroxide job-looking ass if she waxes her twat area since she wears leotards that pretty much expose all of her tortured, hairless, albino beaver. Miley could’ve just said that she keeps her bits smooth by smearing green tomato puree on her crotch before letting her pappy’s pet baby possum chew the hairs off, but nope. Instead, Miley had to take us there by saying that her little sister Noah is the Pussy Police and stares at her snatch zone to make sure none of her pork rinds are popping out. Thank you for that visual, Miley. Chris Hansen, I left the door open for you. via E!
“My sister—what channel are we on right now, so I can’t say ‘pussy,’” Miley initially stopped herself. But after Sophie informed her that she could use the p-word, even saying it herself for good measure, Miley then revealsed that 14-year-old Noah Cyrus is her “pussy police.”
“She makes sure that, you know, everything is staying intact,” the singer explained.
The Pussy Police Force should immediately take away Noah’s Pussy Police badge and put her on unpaid leave, because she is not doing her job. What kind of Pussy Police Officer presses the ignore button when they look at Miley’s crotch and see its mangled and strangled pussy lips use all of its energy to say, “Ayúdame.” (Yes, in my mind, Miley’s pussy is Mexican.) Officer Noah probably sees that all the time and does nothing! Any respectable Pussy Police Officer would immediately throw Miley on Death Row for regularly strangling her pussy with leotards. Noah is being bought. How shameful. Whatever happened to taking the Pussy Police Oath seriously?
And somewhere in his basement, Billy Ray Cyrus is weeping hillbilly tears into Taco Bell wrappers and wondering why he’s not on the Pussy Police Force.
Miley Cyrus must have run out of shit to rub her grimy hillbilly cooter on and dirty drugs to stuff into her possum mouth and slumber party dance routines to choreograph with her sister, because it appears she’s taken to fighting the Bangerz Tour down-time boredom by coming for toddler-faced chipmunk chanteuse Selena Gomez. It was foolish of me to assume that being woken up this morning by a bunch of rats getting into a noisy trash can fight would be the only time I’d be dealing with dramatic rodents today.
After losing the “Favourite International Artist or Group” award to Selena Gomez at the MuchMusic Video Awards (in association with Satan), Miley followed up her performance of “FU” with a cardboard cutout of Selena by taking a swipe at the long-lost 4th Chipette on Twitter:
wigged woting wis wack wust wayin
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) June 16, 2014
What Miley’s remaining freon-corroded brain cell was trying to say is: “Rigged voting is whack just sayin.” Rigged? Are you kidding me? It’s a MuchMusic Video Award; it makes the “No Cavities!” sticker they give out at the dentist look like a goddamn Nobel Prize. Bitch needs to chill the fuck out.
And furthermore, what the fuck crawled into Miley’s thong-chafed ass cheeks (besides crabs, obviously) to make her start throwing shade at Selena? Forget my initial comparison to rodents, this is turning into a bitchy 6th grade fight during recess. Miley makes a paper doll of Selena and gives it the middle finger. Then when Selena wins a spot on Student Council, Miley tells the rest of the 6th grade girls that the election was rigged and cries because she’s “more popular and has way better ideas for school dances”. Then Miley starts a rumor that Selena isn’t even allowed to shave her legs yet and calls her a baby for thinking Lip Smackers are the same as lipstick.
Here’s more of the coolest mean girl in middle school leaving Barcelona last night: