I never thought the day would come when Miley Cyrus’s Twitter feed would school my ass on romance. Here I thought it was all about flowers and jewelry and long walks on the beach where I spend the entire time bitching about the wind and how shitty my hair looks and begging to go back to my natural habitat (anywhere inside). It looks I’ve spent the last 14 years whining about the wrong shit and missed the memo announcing true love has taken flight in the form of the most beauteous fashion statement of all time- the Canadian tuxedo!
Love for denim on denim must run through Miley’s veins. Billy Ray was saucing the panties back in his mullet days with some bulge, a little bit of titty fur and a lot of jean. Now we know how Daddy Cyrus ended up with so many kids (the answer to the mystery of who foaled Trace may lie in this picture here).
Even though Miley’s tweet could easily replace The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate as the go-to resource for how to have a successful relationship, it might just be her way of letting Liam Hemsworth know what he has to do to get back in her good graces. USWeekly says the two have been “flirty” texting (Miley: Ooh, baby, I wanna ride your wrecking balls- GROSS!) and that Liam wants to reconcile. If he had any sense, he wouldn’t be too quick to race back to a life where he’ll spend the rest of his days dressed like a bunkassed redneck wedding cake topper.
I guess Miley Cyrus got tired of bitches spraying her with Critter Ridder lizard repellent and parents grabbing their children and running away from her cave creature-looking ass, because she took a Sharpie to her yeast infection brows. To celebrate the fact that she can now get legally drunk on Shasta Cola and Thunderbird at the bar with her paw paw, Miley dropped some RIT on her eyebrow situation and tweeted the finished product. Girl looks like a butcher Justin Bieber. She went from looking a terrifying mutant varmint that was born in Wes Craven’s mind to looking like a late 90s-era Florida skater boi who gets his beer and weed money by posing half naked for XY Magazine. I’m not sure which look is better.
In other Vyrus news, UsWeekly says that while she was out yesterday, somebody broke into her house and stole a bunch of her shit.
The incident occurred sometime in the afternoon, but there were no injuries and nobody was home at the time.
“She’s extremely upset and a lot of personal items were stolen,” a source tells Us. “She’s really shaken up about the whole thing.”
I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for this. Miley recently told Rolling Stone that Billy Ray uses a secret way to get from his house to her backyard and so I’m sure he just came over to borrow a box of Corn Pops and he kind of sort of might’ve gone through her dirty laundry and took some shit. A reasonable explanation! And sometimes when a celebwhore gets hacked or robbed, that’s foreshadowing for a sex tape or ESCANDALOSO pictures leaking on the internet. So brace your eyeballs and soul for the internet to be hit with something scandalous and shocking like a video of Miley keeping her smegma-covered lizard tongue in her mouth.
Miley Cyrus’ name hasn’t dropped out of the internet’s mouth for about a minute, so in order to get hos talking about her again, she grabbed a box of Sally Hansen stache bleach, smeared it all over her brows and waited until she looked like an albino leopard gecko on Oxy and meth. (SPOILER ALERT: The albino leopard gecko works the “no brows” look better.)
Both Lily Allen and Miranda Kerr did Miley’s dirty work for her by Instagramming pictures of them next to her looking like a pimple on a bleached anus. Miley bleached her brows for a photo shoot and you can let your retinas know that they can stop hyperventilating, because the shoot wasn’t with Uncle Terry. Although, I have heard that a quick way to get the “no brows” look is to let Uncle Terry bust a cottage cheese cum load on your face. Your brow hairs will jump ship before the first drop leaves his peen slit. Other symptoms of getting an Uncle Terry facial include the permanent loss of eyesight, dignity and the ability to stop heaving.
Being a major fan of eyebrows and all the beauty they bring, I’m not usually into the Clorox or no brows look, but some have pulled it off beautifully (see: the albino leopard gecko, Voldemort, aliens, that Dragon Tattoo chick (the American one), out-of-drag drag queens and morning cholitas without their brows drawn on yet). But this bitch can’t pull this off. This looks like a still from The Hills Have TONGUES. Bitch looks like some kind of mutant backwoods cave creature that only feeds on meth, dead bats and human organs. Cyst, come and get your daughter.
But on a positive note, at least her brows match her furry, nasty tongue now.
Make your amends, settle your debts and kiss your grandma goodbye, for the end is fucking nigh.
People is reporting that Oxford Dictionaries has declared “selfie” as it’s Word of the Year for 2013. As attention whores everywhere celebrated by taking at least a dozen in their bathroom mirror, everybody who actually has a friend to take their damn picture for them looked for a window to Morgan Freeman themselves out of.
“Selfie” beat out “twerking” for the title, proving that the paradigm shift to everybody being a special snowflake and deserving a trophy for participating has come around full circle and kicked us all in the ass. Previous Words of the Year include “bailout”, “default” and “occupy”, all relating to major political or economic issues. You know your short list is complete shit when everybody loses no matter which options wins. (Side note: Kanye has already drafted an all-caps letter to Oxford demanding to have his creativity recognized and nominating “architected” for next year’s honors.)
Here’s a gallery of celebrity pics if you want to take a moment and say, “fuck you very much” to the best of the worst- Kim K., Rihanna, Miley, and HRH Prince Douchecanoe of Selfie (aka Justin Bieber). The ONLY person who should get a pass on the selfie is this lady. Her game is so on point I can’t even hate.
(Photos: Twitter and Instagram)
I assumed we’d learned all we could from the Lorde vs. Selena Ultimate Feminism Showdown (the lesson: do not trust dumb sheltered young ones to form intelligent thoughts on women’s issues) but I guess Miley Cyrus felt confident enough to throw her hat into the ring and out-”Excuse Me?” both of them. According to The Telegraph, Miley is already picking out twerkin’ shorts for the Wesleyan College ribbon cutting ceremony of The Miley R. Cyrus Hall:
“The 20-year-old singer, who most recently courted controversy by appearing to smoke a joint on stage in Amsterdam, has argued there is a double standard when it comes to men’s and women’s bodies.
No-one minds if a man goes topless on the beach, she said, adding: “So why can’t we?”
She told BBC Radio 1’s Newsbeat: “I feel like I’m one of the biggest feminists in the world because I tell women to not be scared of anything…”
You hear that, Senator Wendy Davis? SITCHO ASS DOWN. We don’t need your weak-ass attempt at blocking abortion legislation; we got Miley, and she’s telling us not to be scared of anything. Whaddup, Malala; you think you’re a feminist for trying to go to school in a place where girls are banned from school? BIG WHOOP. Get back to me when you get into deep feminist shit like going topless at the beach. Listen up women (and womyn), Miley has spoken! Feminism theory can now be condensed down to three little words: Don’t Be Scared! I mean, be worried that in some states your only access to birth control is buying homemade Yasmin from a woman named Bryndelle at the local swap meet, but DON’T BE SCARED!
Miley needs to check herself if she thinks she’s the biggest feminist in the world; bitch please, you aren’t even the biggest feminist to come out of Disney. Miley needs to show fucking respect and bow down to Disney’s Queen B of Feminism, Mrs. Banks from Mary Poppins. Homegirl wanted to vote so badly, she dumped her children with the first stranger who responded to her old timey Craigslist ad. Mrs. Banks was a better singer too (TRUTH).
Here’s more of the Slack-jawed Gloria Steinem dressed like a goth Sorcerers Apprentice Mickey (can someone photoshop Miley wearing that blue hat and send it to me?) at the BAMBI Awards:
(Pics via Wenn)
There are many things on which to spend $1000. Food. Shelter. Warm clothes. Two humps on Brazilian sex workers if your name sort of rhymes with Lustin’ Beaver. If you’re a Miley fan, you can also spend the princely sum on a VIP meet-and-greet package to add on to your Bangerz tour ticket purchase. According to Radar, the package includes:
-One ticket along the catwalk (so you can conveniently choose to end it all and plunge to your death)
-Individual photo op with Miley (taken by living, breathing pedobear Terry Richardson)
-Pre-show drinks and snacks (Sugar free Red Bull and all the 100 calorie snack packs you can eat)
-Exclusive Miley gift bag (all the Hannah Montana stuff left on eBay)
-VIP laminate and commemorative ticket (to press in the pages of your future Unibomber-style manifesto)
-Crowd-free merchandise shopping (as if paying a thousand dollars so far wasn’t enough)
-Parking where available (you are so fucking welcome)
Passes are already sold out in Las Vegas, Nev., Anaheim, Calif., Tacoma, Wash., Phoenix, Ariz., Omaha, Neb. and Miami, Florida, begging the questions “what the fuck kind of allowance are kids getting these days?” and “why would any grown ass adult pay to see this shit”? A thousand dollars for the privilege of seeing Miley’s thrush-encrusted tongue up close? Or take a picture with her starved, plucked chicken ass while Uncle Terry suggests you undo a few buttons to “be more comfortable”? Or have to hoof it with the poors from the event to Parking Lot BFE because that was what was “available”?
While some fans are pissier than Kim Kardashian in her sex tape over the VIP prices, we can bet one person has already taken up a collection at his favorite tattoo parlor to be able t0 afford it. Paging the stellar decision making skills of Carl McCoid!
All Carl needs to complete the crazy is a full back tattoo of his fan pic with Miley. Hopefully the third time’s a charm and she won’t look like Eliza Dushku and Soleil Moon Frye had a baby who grew up to be a child prostitute.
(Photos: Wenn, Facebook)
It took a really long ass time for my brain to figure out what the everlovin’ fuck Miley Cyrus wore last night on German TV show “Wetten Dass”. At first, I thought it was some ode to the fact that she gave every American an early Christmas gift in the form of leaving the country, and that she was dressed like the Grinch Who Stole Whoremas. At a closer look during her performance, I got really fixated on what appeared to be a light up version of the shoes Duckie wore in Pretty In Pink. Finally, I gave up and Googled that shit and apparently she’s dressed as a strawberry, which I can get behind as long as I imagine drowning her ass in the Chocolate Wonderfall at Golden Corral.
Miley sat down for an interview in which she talked about sexed-up Beetlejuice Robin Thicke , the tattoo she has of her grandma and a bunch of other crap I couldn’t hear over the translator after performing “Wrecking Ball”. She doesn’t sound too bad, but that just may be the euphoria left over from having four cups of coffee.
Here are some pics of Miley in on Wetten Dass in Germany on the eve of the 2013 EMAs in Amsterdam. Also pictured are Sting and GREATEST SINGUH IN DA WORLD Céline Dion.
Jesus, Miley, what’s next? Twerking on Justin Timberlake’s Top Ramen hair and doing MDMA with Avril Lavigne while listening to the Save the Last Dance soundtrack?
While I firmly believe that no one should be held accountable for their actions during Halloween time I cannot with a good conscience excuse Miley Cyrus from the latest in her series of Trust-Me-You’ll-Regret-This-In-3-Months mistakes. I’m nothing if not a for-rent Ghost of Christmas Future for drunk skanks and hoochies.
According to E!, 20-year-old Miley was introduced to 34-year-old Benji Madden of Good Charlotte through a friend at Adam Lambert’s Halloween party at Bootsy Bellows in West Hollywood this weekend. The two hit it off quickly (they probably bonded over their mutual love of making of crappy watered-down music for suburban white kids), and after talking and flirting for a bit, a witness claims to have seen them “share a kiss” and leave the club together around 1am. Benji Madden has been previously linked to Paris Hilton and Holly Madison, and Miley has recently been in close proximity to Lindsay Lohan and Robin Thicke. Meanwhile, society is crossing their fingers to see if both Miley and Benji would consider an exclusive relationship with the CDC.
Oh Miley, I get it; you were with Liam Hemsworth for FOREVER and now your crotch is ready to party. We all know what it feels like; your coochie is finally free to spin around the hills like Julie Andrews. However, with great power comes great responsibility, girl; you can’t hook up with every C-list rat-trash and not expect a visit from the STI fairies, Itchee and Burny (they sort of look like tiny versions of Jerri Blank). I don’t mean to sound like a slut shamer, but I’d be wary of anyone who’s had genital-to-genital contact with Paris Hilton. Isn’t that public knowledge? I think they even teach that shit in high school Sex Ed now (under the chapter Sex No-Nos: Not Even With a Million Condoms). If you don’t slow the fuck down with all the grimy grossness, you’re going to be covered in questionable bumps (and I’m not talking about the ones on the top of your head).
You know Halloween has been filled to the top with layers upon layers of thick fuckery (see: Julianne Hough and all of this) if you see Miley Cyrus dressed up as Lil Kim and your first thought is, “Thank BEA ARTHUR that she’s not in blackface.”
Because Miley Cyrus really wanted to wear a Slutoween costume where she could show off her little uncooked chest dumpling, she dressed up as a white Lil Kim circa 1999 VMAs this year. But then again, isn’t Lil Kim a white Lil Kim at this point? Miley kind of looks like Amanda Bynes as Lil Kim (she does have a look in her eye that says, “You know you want to leave a chalk outline around this vagina, Drake”), but Amanda would never wear the WRONG shade of purple and she’d never wear a full-titty pasty instead of a nipple pasty. But Lil Kim still approves of Miley’s tribute to her and tweeted a taint pat of approval.
The only thing really missing here is a Diana Ross jiggling her titty. And I’m sure that as I type this, Billy Ray is putting a Diana Ross wig over his mullet.
(Pics via Twatter)
Warning: Miley’s pumpkin porn is NSFW and after the cut.