Yesterday we learned that Miles Teller had been arrested in San Diego early Sunday morning for being a drunk mess on the street. Or was he??? Arrested, that is. I have no doubt he was probably very drunk.
TMZ says that Miles Teller was arrested in San Diego early Sunday morning for public intoxication, the least dangerous of drunk arrests, but still one of the more obnoxious ones. Miles, who was partying with some friends, was approached by police after he was seen having trouble standing upright on a sidewalk. Police sources tell TMZ that when they started questioning Miles, he got angry and refused to cooperate. Miles allegedly lost his balance and fell into a traffic lane, and that’s when the police decided he was too drunk to be outside and cuffed him. Miles did not go quietly into the night.
Just like the insanely successful franchise The Hunger Games, the Divergent films were based on a series of young adult novels about a girl rising up and fighting an evil government in a world where people have names like “Tris” and “Four.” But unlike The Hunger Games, people sort of lost interest in paying $15 (plus popcorn) to watch Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort running around in depressing future times couture. And now there’s a chance the only way to find out what happens to Shailene and Ansel will be to watch it on TV.
Sometimes us dark brown-haireds need to be reminded that when we go blond, we probably won’t end up looking like Alexander Skarsgard. We very well could end up looking like a former Central Florida tweaker who spent a lot of time in prison for running a dogfighting ring in his memaw’s storage unit and later found Jesus in his 40s and is now running for Governor. Noted douche rash Miles Teller reminded us of that at last night’s ESPYs.
When the “Why pay more when you can Payless?” version of Shia LaBeouf walked onto the stage with Danica Patrick to present the award for Best Comeback Athlete, everyone thought to themselves, “I don’t know why Todd Chrisley is presenting, but he’s so strong for showing up after just surviving a meth lab explosion.” That dick discharge yellow hair and eyebrows not only gave Miles a lion nose, but it also transformed him into Eminem as drawn by the artistes who drew the Doug characters.
People believes that Miles may have attacked his hair and brows with peroxide for a movie role. No, he’s not playing Eric Trump in a struggle budget biopic for Spike TV. Miles is playing real-life firefighter Brendan McDonough in Granite Mountain. Brendan McDonough isn’t piss stain blond, but he’s blond.
With that being said, I still would because of 3 words: Champagne coupe dick, which means that his peen is probably short and skinny with an oversized head, but whatever!
Celebrity dick Miles Teller reportedly got into one of those eye-rolling bro-fights with director Josh Trank on the set of Fantastic Four. Picture two assholes bumping titties while braying such heterosexual penis insecurity standards as:
“I’ll let you have the first swing!”
“Come at me, dude! Come at me, bitch!”
“You got a problem?”
“I’d much rather be sucking you off right now.”
Ok, that last one is pretty rare but you know one of them is usually thinking it. As you’ve probably heard, Fantastic Four ended up being a fantastic failure. It didn’t just tank. It dove to the bottom of the Mariana Trench and got its face eaten off by one of those horrifying mutant fish with the curved knifey teeth that are too big for its mouth. Trank even forewarned everybody via Twitter.
Entertainment Weekly (via Yahoo) sez that Trank came to regret initially pushing for Teller (and his supposedly highball glass size-and-shaped penis) to play Reed Richards aka “Mr. Fantastic.” Various reports have Josh Trank experiencing a slow and close-to-psychotic meltdown on the set. This didn’t mix well with Teller’s potent combination of vinegar and water. Tits were uncalmed and slapped together one day. Both dared the other to swing, but none were thrown. This is unfortunate because it sounds like Miles would benefit from a blow to the face to knock the Hollywood entitlement right out of his asshole.
It’s been a rough time for me finding out that Miles Teller is a rampaging dickface. He’s a good actor when he’s not in a bullshit movie. And I find his droopy dog face sessy for some reason. But it all makes sense now. I’ve always had a sick lust for hot douchebags. Give me a beefy frat twat with a backwards baseball cap driving his Jeep shirtless and the panty pudding is real. Is there some sort of group I can attend for this? *sad face*
Check out more completely intriguing pics of Miles in NYC with girlfriend Kaleigh Sperry (but none of her alleged Miles ass tattoo unfortunately) in the gallery below.
Some people have called Miles Teller (the dude in The Spectacular Now, Whiplash, the new Fantastic Four, etc..) “Shia LaDouche’s understudy,” because he kind of looks like a Shia LaDouche Claymation figure that was sloppily sculpted by someone in a rush. But also because Miles Teller has the potent essence of cocky douche in him.
In past interviews, Miles has spit at the hand that feeds him, looked down at John Cusack’s career and said, “I’ve seen like five minutes of a lot of shit,” when asked if he watched any of J.K. Simmons‘ work before working with him on Whiplash. 28-year-old Miles did a new interview with Esquire and he didn’t really hate on anyone this time around, because he was too busy deep throating his own highball glass of a dick and redefining smug. Miles Teller pretty much went on about how great Miles Teller is. If Miles Teller’s goal was to get people to root for the flying chair while re-watching Whiplash, it might’ve worked!