Michelle Rodriguez Threatens To Quit The Next “Fast And The Furious” Unless They Do Better For Women
The eighth Fast and the Furious movie was released on Amazon Video and iTunes yesterday, and Michelle Rodriguez celebrated the release by threatening to quit the franchise over social media. The drama never stops with this franchise. First we endure months of (maybe fake) back and forth scratching from The Rock and Vin Diesel. Now we’re getting a possible fight between Letty and the producers. What’s next? The cars of FatF starting beef with the cars from Pixar’s Cars?
The Reality of Truth is an unreleased documentary that gets into how humans find spirituality through prayer, meditation, natural hallucinogenic, etc… I watched the trailer (which is after the cut), and for some reason, they don’t include how many of us (read: just me) find the holy light of God by getting drunk on sweet tea vodka while watching back-to-back Golden Girls episodes for 3 hours. That must be in the documentary’s sequel. The ultra dramatic trailer is mostly about how the documentary’s co-director Mike “Zappy” Zapolin (aka the Internet Warrior) and Michelle Rodriguez traveled the world to find and try a “hidden technology in nature” that the government doesn’t want you to know about. They basically go to Peru to do Ayahuasca, a spiritual drink made from the ayahuasca vine, which apparently makes you do the Macarena with all the gods on a rainbow that’s trickling out of a giant unicorn’s piss slit. It also makes some people vomit through their eyes and cry tears through their mouths.
Last week, it seemed like there was trouble in the squad (Side note: Hello, my name is Michael. I’m a grown up and I just wrote “trouble in the squad.“) when Lorde was seen with Taylor Swift enemy Diplo. Diplo once said that someone should start a Kickstarter to buy Taylor Swift an ass. I figured that Girl Squad Captain Taylor would immediately tell Lorde to shred her Hello Kitty membership card and then ask for the copy of the key to the treasure box where they keep the friendship bracelet supplies. But I don’t think that happened, because here’s Taylor Swift (giving you Dollar Tree Elvira Hancock) and Lorde (giving you constipated and stoned Emily the Strange in an Ice Capades show directed by Tim Burton) at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.
But maybe something is up. Lorde does look like she was sedated and is only posing with Taylor because Taylor threatened to expose secrets that could ruin her career. You know, secrets like she really hates the color black, she loves the color pink, Nicholas Sparks is her favorite author, she really feels whole when she smiles and nothing brightens up her day like sunshine. But then again, Lorde always looks like a goth ghost who took too much Ambien, so everything’s probably fine. However, nothing is fine with the blood explosion messiness that Gwen Stefani wore.
While Blake Shelton looked like the most dressed up dude at a hillbilly wedding, Gwen Stefani looked like she was about to star in Carrie On Ice!
It looks like her belly button is barfing blood. She looks like a slutty blood clot. We get it, Gwen. You’re hot. You still got it, bitch. I’m all for a trick trying to get attention by showing her granny panties in a sheer dress, but Gwen could’ve done it without wearing an ensemble that makes me want to throw tampons, Band-Aids and cotton balls at her.
And here’s more pictures from last night’s VF party including some of Justin Timberlake being annoying and Anne Hathaway wearing Mrs. Roper’s favorite disco freakum muumuu.
Running Wild with Bear Grylls is supposed to be a show where he and a celebrity type go out into the wild and he shows them how to survive using what’s around (and in) them. But it’s really a nasty fetish show for sick fucks. Even the makers of Japanese game shows watch that crap and heave.
On Monday night’s episode, Michelle Rodriguez was on and Bear Grylls showed her how to make a gourmet meal out of a dead mouse and her own piss. Michelle supposedly dated Colin Farrell at one point, so she’s put dirty things in her mouth before, but this is a new level of sick. Bear and Michelle were conveniently out of water, so they had to cook the mouse in her boiled pee. After they ate the mouse, Bear didn’t want to let the rodent and bladder juice broth go to waste so he drank it up. I once ate a beef burrito I bought from a rest stop vending machine, so I’m not one to judge about disgusting food, but these nasty messes are rich and don’t have to do this (unless they really want to).
Add a cup of pit sweat and that mouse and piss stew would be like the subway in a bowl.
And Bear Grylls needs to stop acting like he’s grossed out by pee, because sick bastard uses it to “survive” whenever he gets a chance. We get it and we know it, Bear Grylls. You’re a urinal breath-having piss queen. There’s no need to play.
Leonardo DiCatchAHo threw a gala for his foundation in St. Tropez yesterday and going by what Michelle Rodriguez put on her body, you’d think the theme was “Goth Granny Got Tangled Up In Her Curtain” glamour. I didn’t know you could vape crack. I mean, I’m guessing that’s what she’s vaping and I’m also guessing that she vaped it before she decided to do herself up like a budget model in a Frederick’s of Hollywood fashion show held in a mall in Transylvania.
I don’t even know why Michelle Rodriguez bothered wearing that busted ass curtain with the garbage bag flowers on it. She should’ve just showed up in black granny chonies, a tube top and her vape pen. Now that would’ve been a true look of elegance and she would’ve been the best dressed bitch at that gala. Before going out, MRod needed to take a good look in a full-length mirror and ask herself, “Would Kylie Jenner wear this to a funeral?” The answer is obviously an ALL-CAPS, bolded YES. That would’ve been MRod’s cue to take off the thing, douse it in gasoline, burn it, put its ashes in a box weighted down with rocks and take a boat out into the middle of the ocean to dump it. Purge the thing!
Anyway, here more pictures from last night’s gala, which raised more than $40 million, including some of Leonardo Seagal, his latest piece Kelly Rohrsomethingoranother and exquisite Swedish blossom Victoria Silvstedt.
Is it just me, or is Sean Penn actually looking a little less grumpy than he normally does? Typically he looks like a charbroiled hot dog with severe anger management problems, but standing next to Charlize Theron is doing good things for him. He’s only barely giving off disgruntled dried apricot vibes.
The premiere of Mad Max: Fury Road happened at the Cannes Film Festival earlier today, and I’m sure it will win the Palme d’Or and the Grand Prix and every other award, because it’s clearly the type of serious arthouse cinema that fancy French film types would totally come crème fraîche over. So naturally, Charlize got all fancied up and got Sean Penn to put on a clean shirt (I hear he rage-sweats through at least 12 shirts a day). Unfortunately, all their red carpet classiness couldn’t hold a candle to man-made pearl and
former Hot Slut Hofit Golan, it’s actually Russian TV star Elena Lenina (both Michael and I are DEEPLY ashamed that we mixed those two up):
Class, thy name is saying fuck it to nipple covers before you stick a bunch of lace appliques on your tits. I have no idea what kind of look Elena is going for, but if she was going for middle-aged Connie Conehead cleaning out her storage locker after receiving her 3rd notice and discovering a box containing her old Windmere crimper, a slutty angel Halloween costume, a bottle of expired sleeping pills, and some shriveled-up Avon bath beads, I’d say she nailed it.
Here’s more from the Mad Max red carpet, including Charlize looking like The Mustard Princess of Hot Dog City, Sean Penn looking like the mayor of said city, Julianne Moore, Fan Bingbing, and Michelle Rodriguez, whose dress fabric started bunching up around her waist and made it look like she had Shar-Pei skin.