Our current reigning Spider-Man blew the skin off of nipples early this month when he gyrated and threw down moves as White RiRi on Lip Sync Battle. Well, our last Spider-Man, Andrew Garfield, saw Tom Holland’s RiRi drag act and raised him a Whitney drag act.
But in Backdoor Farrah’s defense, she’d look like an embarrassing and desperate mess even if she didn’t show up to the MTV Movie & TV Awards in a costume found in the section marked “For Trashy Attention Whores Who Want Quick Attention” at the Haus of Cultural Appropriation.
Before we fully get into the river of depressing smegma that this news week will probably bring, let’s raise a wig and celebrate some happy news: RuPaul finally got his hands around his first Emmy after being in the TV game for eons. HalleluRu!
If award shows always got it right, Ru would’ve gotten his first Emmy in the 90s for Best And Most Glamorous Talk Show host for Vh1’s The RuPaul Show. But since award shows mostly never get it right, that didn’t happen. It only took 20 years, but the title “Emmy-winning RuPaul” is finally a fact.
Since season 6 of RuPaul’s Drag Race ended, it feels like we’ve all had dozens of birthdays, the Duggars have birthed out 90 more children and we all have grey pubes. It feels like it’s been decades since Drag Race has graced our screens. To quote Old Rose in Titanic: “It’s been 84 years…” But bitch is finally come back.
On March 2nd, Drag Race will serve up more C.U.N.T. (charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent) but they’ll do it without Santino Ross there to look the queens up and down with his droopy dog eyes. Drag Race is cutting out a whole lot of Rice from their diet for season 7. Santino Rice has been replaced by Carson Kressley and Ross Matthews, the dude who holds the Guinness World Record for being called “mam” at fast food drive-thrus at least two thousand times. Carson and Ross at the same judges’ table?! If Ru wanted to put together the most hyper humans on Earth, she needs to give herself a victory pat on the taint, because she achieved her mission. RIP to my TV speakers, because Ross and Carson are going to blow those whores out. If Ross and Carson ever argue at the judges’ table, it’s going to sound like the time I was in TopShop at The Grove and some chick’s Pomeranian and Chihuahua started fighting in her purse. I’m guessing future Celebrity Big Brother UK winner Michelle Visage kept a rhinestone-encrusted taser at her side just in case she needed to tame those hyper bitches.
Santino Rice will be back as a guest judge, though. Other guests judges are: original judge Merle Ginsburg, Ariana Grande Latte, John Waters, Olivia Newton-John, Rebecca Romjin, Jessica Alba, Demi Lovato, Scary Spice, Tamar Braxon, Kathy Griffin, Isaac Mizrahi, Kat Dennings, Michael Urie, Rachael Harris, Alyssa Milano, Lucian Pine and Jordin Sparks.
They had me at Olivia. Newton. John. And I’m surprised Isaac Mizrahi found time to guest judge in between teaching astronomy classes at MIT.