Category: Michael Lohan
Lindsay Lohan Is Already Milking The Maybe-Engagement News Hard
Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan got everyone talking about Lindsay Lohan in the year 2016 by probably leaking the news that she got engaged before getting her spokeswhore to deny it because she wanted to create a mysterious story arc for the tabloids. I see that LiLo took a course in whoring from Pimp Mama Kris on that MasterClass site, whose ads are always dirtying up my Facebook feed.
TMZ was the first to fart up the news that LiLo’s 22-year-old Russian piece of around 5 months, Egor Tarabasov, proposed to her over the weekend, and she said yes. But a quick second later, LiLo’s rep crop dusted the Internet by farting up the same denial statement to everyone. Her rep said that the rumors were not true. But the fame whore plot thins! While sandwiched between two tanning booth-roasted pieces of hot trash at the Duran Duran show in NYC last night, LiLo made sure that the photographers got a shot her wearing a ring on her weddin’ finger. Since you most likely don’t notice the ring in that picture, because you’re too busy making a, “Chichis so saggy that in a few years they’ll probably line up with those nipple tassels,” joke in your head, here’s a close-up of it:
The only real rings I own are of the cock variety, so I’m no expert, but to me, that looks like a green apple Jolly Rancher framed by a bunch of aluminum foil balls. In other words, it’s the most perfect and opulent engagement ring I’ve ever seen. Egor was also at the Duran Duran show last night, so either they’re really engaged, or he’s a shameless stunt puller like her, or she also took a hypnotism class on that MasterClass site and hypnotized him into proposing to her. I’m tempted to go with the latter, because I bet LiLo also used her hypnotism skills to hypnotize Duran Duran into letting her perform with them AGAIN.
On another sort-of different note, LiLo’s look last night was very “rode hard middle-aged divorced trophy wife who is trolling for her next husband at a Casino in Reno, NV” and that IS the look.
Pics: Splash
Michael Lohan And Kate Major Lost Custody Of Their Sons
It took them only two years, but last week the Florida Department of Children and Families snatched away Michael Lohan and Kate Major’s little sons after finally figuring out that these two train wrecks shouldn’t be allowed to care for a rock, let alone two human children. Michael and Kate’s sons, 2-year-old Landon and 10-month-old Logan, were put in foster care overnight before his mother Marilyn Lohan flew in from Long Island to be their temporary guardian. The ghost of The Situation’s future and broke down Tara Reid went to court in Florida today to try to get their boys back. It didn’t happen. Marilyn Lohan now has custody of them.
Michael Lohan And Kate Major’s Kids Got Taken Away From Them
The Lohans have been one of America’s first family of fuckery for a while now and those wrecks aren’t slowing down anytime soon. Lindsay Lohan is pathetically flashing a fake engagement ring for attention. Michael Lohan Jr. got arrested in NYC for allegedly using a fake “executive branch” place card on his car. And now Michael Lohan got his kids taken away by the Florida Department of Children and Families. White Oprah is not going to let them get all of the shine and I expect her to show them all up by stealing an orphan before drunkenly crashing into a jewelry store with a fake handicapped permit on her car.
Kate Major Got Into A Messy Drunken Scratchfest With Michael Lohan Last Night
Alternate title: Just another Thursday night at the Lohan-Major house. Seen above in her most recent post-fight selfie, Kate Major and her husband of 5 months Michael Lohan are at it again, and by it, I of course mean being next-level life messes. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you wipe the look of fake shock off your face.
TMZ says that on Thursday night, Kate Major proved that she’s coming for Lindsay Lohan’s crown as Messiest Lohan (“Here, you can have it – I tried to pawn it last week, but they told me vodka labels wrapped around American Spirit boxes was worthless” said Lindsay over Skype from an internet cafe in London) by getting drunk and pulling some Street Fighter moves on Michael. Michael claims Kate came home drunk last night and they started fighting, which turned into brawling, which turned into Kate whipping out her legendary acrylic porn star blow job nail tips and scratching him up like a cat on a new couch.
Michael Lohan May Have Faked His Marriage, Says Dina Lohan
Leave it t professional polyester life mess Dina Lohan to find a way to make Michael Lohan’s wedding seem even trashier. Oh, White Oprah – how I’ve missed you, you gorgeous wine-scented butter-colored cocker spaniel. On Tuesday, TMZ broke the news that human ball rash Michael Lohan had married former Jon Gosselin humper and current knocked-up drunk muppet Kate Major on a beach in Florida last month. But White Oprah isn’t so sure about the whole thing.
TMZ caught up with The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan Future at LAX yesterday and asked if she knew about her ex-husband getting married (since his own kids sure as hell didn’t), and Dina answers that Michael texted her and told her he didn’t actually get married, adding the 4 words that most accurately define White Oprah: “I’m kind of confused.” That’s when TMZ tells Dina that there are pictures of Michael and Kate’s wedding, to which Dina calls bullshit, saying: “I don’t know, he said he didn’t, but then again…“. And because she’s nicknamed White Oprah for a reason, she ends the conversation by telling TMZ to “Follow the light“. I think she means the light to the fridge. Follow the light, and you’ll always find a chilled box of white wine!
Oh boy, who to believe? The messy lie-telling parent who says they got married or the messy lie-telling parent who says they didn’t? I mean, there’s a 98% chance that White Oprah was three sheets to the wind when they spoke to her in the airport, and she’s probably recalling a text conversation from 4 years ago, but there’s an even greater chance that Lindsay’s attention whore of a father faked the whole thing to get attention. The only way to get the truth is to interrogate Kate Major’s trash rat acrylic nails. Exquisite amateur porn star blowjob nail tips never lie!
Father Of The Decade Michael Lohan Got Married To Kate Major And Forgot To Invite Lindsay Lohan And Michael Jr.
After several dramatic messy drunken fight-filled years together, talking butt zit Michael Lohan finally made it legal with Smurfette’s trashy second cousin Kate Major in – where else – the great state of Florida. TMZ says that Michael and his knocked-up bride tied the knot on a beach on October 30th in a private ceremony.
So private, in fact, that the only one of Michael’s six offspring to be invited was Baby Landon (seen above pointing to the new family he’d like to adopted by so he can escape those two human disasters). That’s right! Michael didn’t invite the sole reason he’s still clinging to the ass hairs of relevancy, Lindsay Lohan, or his aspiring app mogul son Michael Jr. He also forgot to invite haunted-looking living ghost Ali, Cody Lohan, or his whoopsie baby Ashley Kaufmann.
TMZ says that the Apricot Ashtray eventually found out that her deadbeat dad got hitched, but she didn’t care. Probably because she knows this is only the first of many weddings. Hell, we all know that it’s only a matter of time before Michael and Kate get into a violent booze-fueled fist fight that ends with Michael calling TMZ and Kate filing for divorce. Then once whichever one of them winds up in jail is released, they’ll speed-dial TMZ to announce that they’re getting remarried. It’s the ciiiiiircle of traaaaash.
And just because I love a good pair of thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips, here’s Michael’s future second ex-wife showing off her new hardware:
Take a good look, pawn shops of Florida! You’re going to want to have an estimate on hand for when that busted blonde muppet eventually tries to sell it for margarita money.
Pics: TMZ