Go ahead and take apart your end-of-the-world bunker, because it doesn’t look like the apocalypse is coming anytime soon since Lindsay Lohan probably doesn’t have a baby in her body. (Although, you may not want to take apart your end-of-the-world bunker right away, because Trump could still win in November.)
Michael Lohan really wanted us all to think that a half-Russian ATM baby is growing in his daughter’s womb. Michael claimed that LiLo texted him with, “Daddy, I’m pregnant,” and he believed her, because LiLo never lies! But today, LiLo’s friend, socialite Hofit Golan, told a different story.
As Lindsay Lohan got back to her full-time job of lounging on a yacht in Europe, her piece of trash father Michael Lohan got back to his full-time job of spitting out private bits of her life to the media for coins. Michael Lohan told everyone yesterday that he believes that his daughter and her maybe-cheating and violent Russian piece spawned. And today, Michael said that LiLo told him in a text message that a fetus is really in her womb where it’s probably sipping on some vodka-infused amniotic fluid.
If Lindsay Lohan’s private life was a room, its walls would be glass, it wouldn’t have a door and outside of it would hang a neon blinking sign that read, “LOOK AT ME” But after the train wreck situation with her alleged cheating and beating Russian fiancé went down, she put a privacy sign on her private life and asked everyone to respect it. But today, LiLo removed that privacy sign for a second to say sowwy for accusing her piece Egor Tarabasov of dipping his untrue dick into a Russian hooker’s leased cooch.
Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan publicly requested privacy regarding the infomercial steam cleaner-sized messy situation with her fiancé Egor Tarabsov. But she didn’t say anything about leaking typo-filled text messages threatening to kick her fiancé’s ass from her father. Lindsay, you’ve really got to be more specific when it comes to your family.
Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan got everyone talking about Lindsay Lohan in the year 2016 by probably leaking the news that she got engaged before getting her spokeswhore to deny it because she wanted to create a mysterious story arc for the tabloids. I see that LiLo took a course in whoring from Pimp Mama Kris on that MasterClass site, whose ads are always dirtying up my Facebook feed.
TMZ was the first to fart up the news that LiLo’s 22-year-old Russian piece of around 5 months, Egor Tarabasov, proposed to her over the weekend, and she said yes. But a quick second later, LiLo’s rep crop dusted the Internet by farting up the same denial statement to everyone. Her rep said that the rumors were not true. But the fame whore plot thins! While sandwiched between two tanning booth-roasted pieces of hot trash at the Duran Duran show in NYC last night, LiLo made sure that the photographers got a shot her wearing a ring on her weddin’ finger. Since you most likely don’t notice the ring in that picture, because you’re too busy making a, “Chichis so saggy that in a few years they’ll probably line up with those nipple tassels,” joke in your head, here’s a close-up of it:
The only real rings I own are of the cock variety, so I’m no expert, but to me, that looks like a green apple Jolly Rancher framed by a bunch of aluminum foil balls. In other words, it’s the most perfect and opulent engagement ring I’ve ever seen. Egor was also at the Duran Duran show last night, so either they’re really engaged, or he’s a shameless stunt puller like her, or she also took a hypnotism class on that MasterClass site and hypnotized him into proposing to her. I’m tempted to go with the latter, because I bet LiLo also used her hypnotism skills to hypnotize Duran Duran into letting her perform with them AGAIN.
On another sort-of different note, LiLo’s look last night was very “rode hard middle-aged divorced trophy wife who is trolling for her next husband at a Casino in Reno, NV” and that IS the look.
It took them only two years, but last week the Florida Department of Children and Families snatched away Michael Lohan and Kate Major’s little sons after finally figuring out that these two train wrecks shouldn’t be allowed to care for a rock, let alone two human children. Michael and Kate’s sons, 2-year-old Landon and 10-month-old Logan, were put in foster care overnight before his mother Marilyn Lohan flew in from Long Island to be their temporary guardian. The ghost of The Situation’s future and broke down Tara Reid went to court in Florida today to try to get their boys back. It didn’t happen. Marilyn Lohan now has custody of them.