Category: Michael Douglas

“I Quit This Bitch!”: People Magazine Disgruntled Reporter Edition

July 3, 2016 / Posted by:

This particular People cover doesn’t have anything to do with this post. I just want to know Kimmy Gibbler’s secrets now.

Following in the legendary footsteps of Arnetta the Moodsetta and the safety slide-utilizing Jet Blue flight attendant, People magazine reporter Sara Hammel quit her gig by spilling the tea on the magazine (and a couple of celebrities) in an e-mail blast on Monday.

Hammel’s resignation snatched at the wigs belonging to George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez and an unnamed Hollywood A-Lister who was such a perv to her that she wanted to stab him in the balls with her reportin’ pen. She also noted that Lt. Olivia Benson (the celebrity not the cat) rivals Claire Danes when it comes to the ugly-cry.

Michael Douglas Thinks Manly American Actors Are Going Extinct

July 9, 2015 / Posted by:

Just like Dustin Hoffman, Michael Douglas has serious thoughts about the current state of cinema. While Dustin Hoffman thinks that most movies nowadays have the artistic depth of a Michael Bay dry fart, Michael Douglas thinks that there’s something going on with American actors and actresses. Michael thinks that American actors need to stop trying to up their Twitter followers count and start taking some classes in acting and how to be manly, because the Brits and Aussies are getting all the American roles. When Michael Douglas sees a British actor at work, he clutches his shirt and declares, “Now THAT is an ack-tor!” When Michael Douglas sees an Australian actor at work, he clutches his crotch and declares, “Now THAT is a maaaaaaaaaan!

While talking to The Independent about his new movie Ant-Man, Michael Douglas said that he co-signs some of what Dustin Hoffman said and agrees that all the great screen writers are running their asses off to pay cable, because they’re also allowed to produce shows there. But Michael thinks that a major problem is social media. If American actors were a rock hard boner, social media would be the Screech sex tape that brings them down and makes them go soft. Take it away, Masc Only Michael!

“There’s something going on with young American actors – both men and women – because the Brits and Australians are taking many of the best American roles from them. Clearly, it breaks down on two fronts. In Britain they take their training seriously while in the States we’re going through a sort of social media image conscious thing rather than formal training. Many actors are getting caught up in this image thing which is going on to affect their range.

With the Aussies, particularly with the males it’s the masculinity. In the US we have this relatively asexual or unisex area with sensitive young men and we don’t have many Channing Tatums or Chris Pratts, while the Aussies do. It’s a phenomena. There’s a crisis in young American actors right now. Everyone’s much more image conscious than they are about actually playing the part.“

Will somebody please get Michael Douglas a ticket to Magic Mike XXL so he can see an artistic piece of cinema filled with American manly mensez who could easily recite Shakespeare with the best of them? But really, so according to Michael Douglas, the Brits own the acting game and the Aussies own the manly game. So if you put them together, you’d have a Michael Douglas-approved super actor! Hmmm.. Well, I say that we should get Christian Bale and Chris Hemsworth to mate on camera and create an artistically-skilled manly actor. Come on, Christian and Chris. Do it for Michael Douglas and for the future of cinema!

Here’s MD with CZJ and their children at the Ant-Man premiere in London.


Open Post: Hosted By CZJ’s Bangs

April 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Another day, another trick in Hollywood getting surgery scar-hiding hair curtains….

Tommy Girl thought he was the hottest Hollywood bitch in new bangs until Catherine Zeta-Jones showed up to the opening night of the off-Broadway play The Library with her on-and-off-again piece Michael Douglas and her own new set of bangs. It hurts the nerves in my fingers to type this, but Tommy Girl works the bang look better and hopefully CZJ can clip those off once the lift scars finally heal. Because those bangs make her look even more like the original prototype for the JWoww plastic mannequin. Even Michael Douglas looks like he’s trying to pretend those bangs aren’t there.


I Guess That’s One Way To Greet Bradley Cooper…

January 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Um, where do I submit my application/credentials to be the red carpet fluffer at next year’s SAG Awards?

Before a bunch of actors went into the Shrine Auditorium in L.A. to suck each other off while accepting their SAG Award, Bradley Cooper got a little dude-on-dude action on the red carpet. You’re probably looking at that picture and thinking, “John Travolta lost a bunch of chunk and finally got a believable wig!” That picture does look like the Scientology version of taking communion.

At first I thought the dude on his knees was Leonardo DiCatchAHo and B. Coop lured him to his crotch by putting Victoria’s Secret Angel wings on his dick. But E! says that the dude who got a face full of Cooper crotch is Ukrainian prankster Vitalii Sediuk. Vitalii tried to crash Adele’s speech at the Grammy’s last year but JLo’s hungry hungry hippo ass swallowed him up and spit him out in the parking lot. When B. Coop, Mandy Patinkin and Michael Pena realized that Vitalii was turning that red carpet into a glory hole (without the wall), they laughed, they picked him up and the crotch sniffer was escorted off of the carpet. Surprisingly, he didn’t get his ass whooped. So when some Ukrainian prankster puts his face on a dude’s dick area without permission, he’s gently escorted out of the area. But when I do the same thing with a fellow consenting gay at Runyon Canyon Park, I get tased by the police and dragged off to jail. Got it.

Here’s more of B. Coop and the other dudes of the SAG Awards.

Pics: Getty, Splash,

Catherine Zeta-Jones And Michael Douglas Are Back Together

November 2, 2013 / Posted by:

And doesn’t he look fucking thrilled about it?

As the marriage of one of Hollywood’s most beloved couples, the Porn Iguana and Doug Hutchison, dries up like your pussy whenever you see a close-up of Doug’s face, another beloved Hollywood couple is back together.

The Daily Mirror says that after six months of taking a break from looking at each other’s faces, Catherine Zeta-Jones (or as my mom calls her, “Katie Zima Yonez“) and Michael Douglas are living together in their Manhattan apartment again. At the NYC premiere of Michael’s movie Last Vegas (pictures below), CZJ didn’t show up with his ass, but she called him while he was posing on the red carpet and he talked about her at the after-party. The Mirror’s source said:

“He was sitting in the corner with friends and people kept asking what’s going on with Catherine. Michael said, ‘We are doing great, she’s better than ever,’ and said their kids are doing great. They know they have some problems, but are speaking every day and are scheduling future projects with each other in mind. Both of them are wearing their rings; what more is there to say?”

It’s really big of CZJ’s chocha to forgive Michael Douglas after he wrongly tainted its reputation by saying that it’s the aspartame of vaginas and shot cancer into this froat. CZJ’s coochie can teach us all something about forgiveness. CZJ’s poon is a saint, because I’d take a motherfucker to Judge Judy if he went out there and said that my b-hole gave him bubonic plague of the dick. (I set myself up for that one, I know.)


Catherine Zeta-Jones’ Vagina Should Sue

October 12, 2013 / Posted by:

Back in June, throat cancer survivor Michael Douglas blamed his illness on eatin’ box lunch. That’s a euphemism. Then he retracted that so his estranged wife Catherine Zeta-Jones wouldn’t be getting nervous looks from her esthetician down at the bikini waxin’ parlor. It turns out all this pussy accusation controversy was for naught, because he didn’t HAVE throat cancer. He had tongue cancer! Wait, someone hop on Web MD and find out if HPV can give you tongue cancer, too. You can trust Web MD. That’s how I found out I had dropsy and that the skin tag my brother had meant he was a dying hermaphrodite.

In an interview with Samuel L. Jackson on the UK’s This Morning (via People), Gordon Gekko revealed that he covered up his actual diagnosis to deter the media from asking about the brutal surgery associated with tongue cancer.

The surgeon said, ‘Let’s just say it’s throat cancer,'” the Last Vegas star reveals, explaining that the doctor told him that if they had to do surgery for tongue cancer “it’s not going to be pretty,” and that Douglas faced losing part of his jaw and tongue.

Rather than having to discuss possible facial disfigurement with scores of reporters on the press tour, they decided to disguise the truth.

That’s all well and good but what about the libel suit that his wife’s muffin should be filing? No wonder why the bitch was checking into mental health facilities and finally decided to leave him. He had the world thinking her vagina was murdering people! Laura Linney’s character on The Big C originally blamed her cancer on Zeta-Jones snatch before a rewrite.

In other news, Samuel L. Jackson hosts a talk show in the UK? He is one busy bitch. Get your pussy-slanderin’ cancer lies off his motherfuckin’ talk show, MD!

Pics: WENN

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