Um, where do I submit my application/credentials to be the red carpet fluffer at next year’s SAG Awards?
Before a bunch of actors went into the Shrine Auditorium in L.A. to suck each other off while accepting their SAG Award, Bradley Cooper got a little dude-on-dude action on the red carpet. You’re probably looking at that picture and thinking, “John Travolta lost a bunch of chunk and finally got a believable wig!” That picture does look like the Scientology version of taking communion.
At first I thought the dude on his knees was Leonardo DiCatchAHo and B. Coop lured him to his crotch by putting Victoria’s Secret Angel wings on his dick. But E! says that the dude who got a face full of Cooper crotch is Ukrainian prankster Vitalii Sediuk. Vitalii tried to crash Adele’s speech at the Grammy’s last year but JLo’s hungry hungry hippo ass swallowed him up and spit him out in the parking lot. When B. Coop, Mandy Patinkin and Michael Pena realized that Vitalii was turning that red carpet into a glory hole (without the wall), they laughed, they picked him up and the crotch sniffer was escorted off of the carpet. Surprisingly, he didn’t get his ass whooped. So when some Ukrainian prankster puts his face on a dude’s dick area without permission, he’s gently escorted out of the area. But when I do the same thing with a fellow consenting gay at Runyon Canyon Park, I get tased by the police and dragged off to jail. Got it.
Here’s more of B. Coop and the other dudes of the SAG Awards.
And doesn’t he look fucking thrilled about it?
As the marriage of one of Hollywood’s most beloved couples, the Porn Iguana and Doug Hutchison, dries up like your pussy whenever you see a close-up of Doug’s face, another beloved Hollywood couple is back together.
The Daily Mirror says that after six months of taking a break from looking at each other’s faces, Catherine Zeta-Jones (or as my mom calls her, “Katie Zima Yonez“) and Michael Douglas are living together in their Manhattan apartment again. At the NYC premiere of Michael’s movie Last Vegas (pictures below), CZJ didn’t show up with his ass, but she called him while he was posing on the red carpet and he talked about her at the after-party. The Mirror’s source said:
“He was sitting in the corner with friends and people kept asking what’s going on with Catherine. Michael said, ‘We are doing great, she’s better than ever,’ and said their kids are doing great. They know they have some problems, but are speaking every day and are scheduling future projects with each other in mind. Both of them are wearing their rings; what more is there to say?”
It’s really big of CZJ’s chocha to forgive Michael Douglas after he wrongly tainted its reputation by saying that it’s the aspartame of vaginas and shot cancer into this froat. CZJ’s coochie can teach us all something about forgiveness. CZJ’s poon is a saint, because I’d take a motherfucker to Judge Judy if he went out there and said that my b-hole gave him bubonic plague of the dick. (I set myself up for that one, I know.)
Back in June, throat cancer survivor Michael Douglas blamed his illness on eatin’ box lunch. That’s a euphemism. Then he retracted that so his estranged wife Catherine Zeta-Jones wouldn’t be getting nervous looks from her esthetician down at the bikini waxin’ parlor. It turns out all this pussy accusation controversy was for naught, because he didn’t HAVE throat cancer. He had tongue cancer! Wait, someone hop on Web MD and find out if HPV can give you tongue cancer, too. You can trust Web MD. That’s how I found out I had dropsy and that the skin tag my brother had meant he was a dying hermaphrodite.
In an interview with Samuel L. Jackson on the UK’s This Morning (via People), Gordon Gekko revealed that he covered up his actual diagnosis to deter the media from asking about the brutal surgery associated with tongue cancer.
The surgeon said, ‘Let’s just say it’s throat cancer,’” the Last Vegas star reveals, explaining that the doctor told him that if they had to do surgery for tongue cancer “it’s not going to be pretty,” and that Douglas faced losing part of his jaw and tongue.
Rather than having to discuss possible facial disfigurement with scores of reporters on the press tour, they decided to disguise the truth.
That’s all well and good but what about the libel suit that his wife’s muffin should be filing? No wonder why the bitch was checking into mental health facilities and finally decided to leave him. He had the world thinking her vagina was murdering people! Laura Linney’s character on The Big C originally blamed her cancer on Zeta-Jones snatch before a rewrite.
In other news, Samuel L. Jackson hosts a talk show in the UK? He is one busy bitch. Get your pussy-slanderin’ cancer lies off his motherfuckin’ talk show, MD!
Seen above sexing that Emmy with his eyes like he wants to eat her out until she squirts cancer into his throat, Michael Douglas won the Emmy for Best Actor in a Movie or Miniseries for playing Liberace and he shoved as much as he could into his speech. Michael Douglas spit out a few gay sex jokes, gave a shout out to his probably-soon-to-be-ex-wife Catherine Zeta-Jones and then got political by saying that his son is in the chokey and they (the head prison bitches) won’t let him visit. MD’s speech had it all!
Michael Douglas started his speech with some good old-fashioned hand job and butt sex jokes by saying that the win is a two-hander and told Matt Damon that half of the award belongs to him, so does he want the top or the bottom? Please. Like Michael Douglas has to ask. We all know that Michael Douglas is a chatty, bossy bottom who doesn’t shut up.
MD explained to reporters afterward that he included the part about wanting to see his son soon, because he’s not allowed to see Cameron. MD’s oldest son Cameron is serving a 10 year prison sentence for selling meth and he can’t have visitors for 2 more years.
“Well, my son is in federal prison based upon -– he’s been a drug addict for a large part of his life and was arrested and selling drugs and is in federal prison. And part of their punishments if you happen to have a slip -– this is for a prisoner who is nonviolent — as about a half a million of our drug addicted prisoners are, they punish you. So for my son’s case, he’s spent almost 2 years in solitary confinement and right now I’m being told that I cannot see him for two years.
It’s over a year now and I’m questioning the system. Obviously, at first, I was certainly disappointed with my son, but I’ve reached a point now where I’m very very disappointed with the system and, as you can see, from what [U.S.] Attorney General Eric Holder has been doing — and other issues regarding our prison system — I think things are going to be revived regarding nonviolent drug addicts/criminals. My last comment on that is the United States represents 5 percent of the world’s population and we have 25 percent of the world’s prisoners.”
I have a feeling that Cameron isn’t that sad about his dad not visiting him for the next two years. Because Cameron knows that if MD came to visit, he wouldn’t stop talking about Matt Damon fucking his ass in an HBO movie.
Well, I guess Michael Douglas could never forgive Catherine Zeta-Jones’ chocha for giving him throat cancer.
There’s been rumors that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones’ marriage of 13 years is over, and now the voice of the publicist, People, says that they’ve pressed pause on their relationship. Michael and CZJ haven’t been photographed together in months and they’ve been taking separate vacations. Michael is currently sunning his nipples on a yacht in Sardinia while CZJ is at home in New York with their kids.
The source tells People that during the past few years, their marriage has gone through some serious shit and they just need to breathe a little. They’ve gone through his battle with throat cancer, her treatment for bipolar disorder, his son getting thrown in prison for selling meth and her performance at the Tonys. Their marriage is over it and just needs to sip a wine spritzer while lying on a lounger in the backyard away from everyone.
Michael and CZJ haven’t filed for legal separation yet and the source says there’s a chance they’ll get back together.
But for now, Michael Douglas is on a yacht somewhere drowning his sorrows in Matt Damon’s nalgas while dressed like Liberace (he can’t let go) and CZJ is sitting on faces all over Manhattan to prove that she doesn’t have the NutraSweet of cooches.
Filling his throat with cigarette smoke and downing gallons of booze is not what led to Michael Douglas getting cancer of the froat, so says Michael Douglas. During an interview with The Guardian, Michael Douglas was asked if he cursed booze and cigarettes after he was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer. MD doesn’t blame fags and the sweet nectar, because he says drinking and smoking for decades isn’t what gave him throat cancer, munching snatch did. MD says that some coochie needs to come with a warning label, because cunnilingus nearly killed him (that’s some Deadliest Snatch shit). MD explained it like this:
“No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”
MD was a major whore for many years, so who knows if CZJ is the one with a killer pussy. MD went on to joke that while making mouth love to vagina gave him throat cancer, it also cured his throat cancer.
“I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”
Now some tricks are totally going to use the “I don’t want to get cancer!” excuse to get out of going down. Well, you can tell them that if they get cancer from eating coochie, they can cure themselves by continuing to eat that coochie. Dr. Michael Douglas said so!
And while reading about the dangers of getting cancer from oral, I also learned that you can get cancer (via HPV) from sucking dick too. WHY?!!!!!!!!
Catherine Zeta-Jones’ rep said in a statement to everyone last night that she has gone off to a mental health treatment facility for a little bipolar disorder maintenance. CZJ has been open about her bipolar II disorder and in 2011 she went off to a rehab facility for 30 days, because she was about lose it. (“Thee, I thold you all women are moody!” – mood expert Drew Barrymore) CZJ’s rep Cece Yorke (that’s a hot name) released this statement of words to the media:
“Catherine has proactively checked into a health care facility. Previously Catherine has said that she is committed to periodic care in order to manage her health in an optimum manner.”
A friends of CZJ’s tells People that she didn’t have a breakdown or anything. CJZ’s 30-day rehab stay was already planned and she’s there so that doctors can monitor her medication. The friend went on to say, “This was just a good time to do it. She is in between projects. This has always been part of the plan. She would manage her health. She is vigilant about it.”
Let’s say CZJ checked in over the weekend, that means she’ll be out at the end of May. Behind the Candelabra airs on May 26th on HBO. I see what CZJ is really doing. CZJ is just trying to avoid the images of a Liberace wig slowly falling off of Michael Douglas’ head as he pounds Matt Damon from behind. I don’t blame her.
Here’s CZJ and Michael Douglas at the 40th Annual Chaplin Award Gala in NYC last week.
HBO finally released a full trailer for Liberace biopic “Behind the Candelabra” and I think it made me butt birth out a rhinestone-covered baby unicorn. In under two minutes, they gave us sequined vests, gallons of lip gloss, exquisitely applied eyeliner, bubbles, Matt Damon in a white Speedo, feathers, fur, a crystal-encrusted Rolls Royce chariot, gay drama and more wigs than a Knowles family reunion. If there was a close-up shot of a massage therapist’s dick, it would look exactly like John Travolta’s daily thought process.
And more importantly, the trailer gave us this:
When Rob Lowe puts on a middle-parted long wig he looks like a coked up Princess Stephanie in the middle of an orgasm and who knew looking at that would give me the puckers.
Here’s Michael Douglas and Matt Damon as Liberace and Liberace’s young piece Scott Thorson on the cover of Entertaintment Weekly. My nipples are not secreting rhinestone water, so that tells me that Michael Douglas looks nothing like Liberace in this picture. This looks more like a butch Walter Mercado throwing a fur coat on a young Regis Philbin wax figure.
Michael and Matt play Liberace and Scott Thorson in Steven Sodbergh’s Behind the Candelabra, which airs on HBO in May, and they both talked to EW about what it was like transforming themselves into crystal-encrusted beauties. Matt says that one of the most awkward things he had to do for the movie was to get a weekly spray tan since Scott Thorson wouldn’t be seen in a metallic thong unless his skin was the same shade as Liberace’s gilded cock ring. The other awkward thing Matt had to do was dry hump on Michael Douglas from the back.
As for their sex scenes together (and trust us, the movie has plenty), Damon and Douglas both say that shooting a moment of passion is always awkward, no matter who’s involved. “The scene where I’m behind him and going at him, we did that in one take,” recalls Damon, laughing. “We do it. Cut. There’s a long pause. And then you just hear Steven go, “Well… I have no notes.”
Well, I’m glad that this movie has scene after scene of Michael Douglas getting pounded by Matt Damon while wearing a Mama’s Family wig, because that’s exactly what’s been missing from my life.
Before Catherine Zeta-Jones scared the children by working the Oscar stage like a wigged, horny banshee on the loose during “All That Jazz,” she put dozens of hos to shame when she sashayed down the red carpet like RuPaul, Michelle Visage and Santino Rice were sitting at a table in front of her. CZJ looked like Miss Philippines in the final round of Miss Transgender Universe 2013 and I’m pretty sure her dress was made out of the gold parts from a dozen Wonder Woman costumes.
After Michael Douglas and CZJ talked to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, that Frogger-looking motherfucker with Sears Portrait Studio hair snubbed her ass. Oh that was just Seacrest’s jealousy showing, because he’s just mad that CZJ can steal all of his men with just the wink of an eye. I don’t even care that CZJ’s face is completely brand new, she was still the epitome of drag eleganza last night.
And my other favorite looks of the night came from Charlize Theron and Jane Fonda. Unless your name is Shauna Sand, Angelyne or Harald Gloockler, I don’t like calling you perfect, but Charlize Theron looked pretty perfect last night. Charlize must have a birth make shaped like Donald Trump’s head on her inner thigh and one of her nipples must be way fatter than the other, because something has to be wrong with her ass. Also, I just want to get drunk with Jane Fonda and watch her pick up men in the piano bar of a business hotel.