Michael Bay Is A Douche: Part 4,500,999

Kate Beckinsale was on The Graham Norton Show (via People) over the weekend, and she got into what it was like working with zen dildo in linen pants Michael Bay on the movie Pearl Harbor. Kate said that when Michael Bay took one look at her, he basically malfunctioned before going, “Tits too small, hair too brown, does not compute!”

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Michael Bay Wants To Give His Entire Fortune To Charity….One Day

Multi-multi millionaire movie director and tall drink of douche water Michael Bay owns a waterfront house in Miami, a Gulfstream G550 jet, a Bel Air Mansion and he claims his net worth is half a B (that’s $500 million in douche speak). But one day, he plans to show up Mark Zuckerberg by giving ALL of his money to charity. The only straight dude to buy from the International Male catalog (probably) did an interview with Rolling Stone to promote his new movie about Benghazi (I can’t) and he was asked about how much money he has. Many rich bitches would spit out an answer like, “I don’t know,” or “Talking about money is vulgar, darling,” but not Michael Bay.

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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Trailer Needs More Explosions

And here’s a preview of what it looks like when Michael Bay simultaneously shits and jacks off on 80s childhood favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That headline is dripping with zero sarcasm, because I really thought this trailer would be nothing but Megan Fox washing the Ninja Turtles’ shells in a bikini while shit exploded behind her over and over again. But the trailer for the Michael Bay-produced Ninja Turtles movie is maybe 10% explosions and the rest is made up of shit crashing into shit, leftover scenes from Transformers movies and the highest-paid masking doll Megan Fox trying to look shocked and surprised when she’s really giving off the emotion of a wet Rubbermaid silicone trivet. I have nothing but hate for this mess of a trailer, because Partners in Kryme is nowhere to be heard and what they did to the Ninja Turtles is the definition of NOT RIGHT.

THROW ALL THE HOLY WATER AT IT!

Megan Fox shouldn’t have just fainted. Her rubber face should’ve slid off of her skull at the sight of that mutated Shrek dingle. The only way to explain why the Ninja Turtles look like Satan’s kidney stones is to say that they were created when Lindsay Lohan sneezed out a clump of boogers onto a turtle after snorting battery acid and uranium. They look more like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds.

And here’s the living and breathing Real Doll in L.A. with her son a few days ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

Michael Bay Bombs In Las Vegas

Michael Bay was at CES, which is like some kind of electronics show, in Las Vegas today to slobber out words of praise for Samsung’s new, fancy TV, and his presentation was just like his movies: full of bombs, script-less and a mess. The teleprompter stopped working and Michael Bay tried to go on without it, but he tripped up and then QUIT THAT BITCH. If it was anybody else, I’d cringe until I prolapsed, but since this happened to that fun house mirror Scott Bakula-looking asshole, I laughed and laughed and laughed. This is the most entertaining thing Michael Bay has ever done! A quick minute after he gave me that beautiful moment, he admitted on his site that he’s not really good at doing it live.

Wow! I just embarrassed myself at CES – I was about to speak for Samsung for this awesome Curved 105-inch UHD TV. I rarely lend my name to any products, but this one is just stellar. I got so excited to talk, that I skipped over the Exec VP’s intro line and then the teleprompter got lost. Then the prompter went up and down – then I walked off. I guess live shows aren’t my thing.
But I’m doing a special curved screen experience with Samsung and Transformers 4 footage that will be traveling around the world.

The pleasure that Michael Bay felt while watching Megan Fox wash his Ferrari in her bikini is probably the same kind of pleasure that Megan Fox felt while watching this. DuPont should send a few workers over to Megan Fox’s house to fix her plastic face, because she totally cracked it while smiling at this.

Michael Bay’s Ass Got Attacked In Hong Kong (UPDATE)

You know you are void of standards and probably hate yourself when you stare at Michael Bay’s nipple for way too long and think to yourself, “I would.” And I don’t know if I’m the only who noticed this, but that ditch under his neck is deep enough for someone to stick the tip in. And as I Windex my eyeballs…

Reuters (via USA Today) reports that the movie director with the most punchable face in Hollywood was attacked by two brothers on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong today. The police say that the two young dudes came up to Michael Bay and demanded that he give them $13,000 cash. They probably figured that Michael Bay had $13,000 on him since he was bragging to everyone that the night before he fingered himself while blowing up one of his $200,000 Lamborghinis. When Michael Bay (Side note: He’s looking more and more like Michael Bolton’s older alcoholic twatbag brother who runs a fishing charter business in Tampa) refused to hand over the cash, the older brother attacked him before going after a cop who tried to intervene.

The police rep said that both brothers were arrested and charged with suspicion of blackmail and assault. The right side of Michael’s face got injured, but he refused medical treatment.

Would-be 9/11 savior Marky Mark is in Transformers 4, so those brothers are really lucky that he wasn’t there to BAM them both at the same time with his bare hands. We all know what happened the last time Marky Mark came at an Asian man. If only the cameras were rolling when Michael Bay got slapped around. He could’ve released the footage in 3D IMAX and it would’ve been his highest-grossing hit of all time.

And a source tells Reuters that the two brothers were bailed out by an animatronic wax figure who hugged and thanked them.

UPDATE: Paramount wanted to get shit straight and issued this hilarious statement.

“Director Michael Bay and the cast and crew of “Transformers: Age of Extinction” completed their first day of production in Hong Kong today October 17, 2013, after four and a half months of filming in Arizona, Utah, Texas, Michigan, Illinois and Washington state since late May.

Contrary to several erroneous news reports made today, Bay did not get hurt in a fight on set. The production company did have a bizarre encounter with a man (allegedly under the influence of a narcotic substance) who was wielding an air conditioning unit as a weapon. The man, who had earlier accosted several other crew members, rushed onto the set in Quarry Bay and swung the air conditioning unit directly at Bay’s head. The director ducked and wrested the air conditioner from his attacker, preventing what could have been a serious accident. The company’s security team quickly stepped in and subdued the assault. The police, who also scuffled with the assailant and two of his companions, ultimately arrested the three men. No one on the cast or crew was injured and the production immediately resumed filming without further incident.”

That Michael Bay-hating air-conditioning unit is my new favorite Transformer.

From The WHA? Files: Megan Fox And Michael Bay Are Reuniting For The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie (UPDATE)

On Michael Bay’s driveway sits his freshly washed Ferrari and on Michael Bay’s laptop lives a video file of Megan Fox washing his Ferrari AGAIN! Because Michael Bay announced on his website today that Megan Fox will star in a movie that he’s producing. In case the memory box in your brain deleted this highly important information (which is 100% possible), Megan was fired from the Transformers movies, called Michael Bay a regular Hitler and said that working with him was about as wonderful as butt fucking herself with a porcupine that likes to bite. Michael Bay pretty much returned that sentiment and the crew of Transformers had a few (or a thousand) words for her. But I guess they sucked and made up, because Michael Bay cast her in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and he announced the news like this:

TMNT: We Are Bringing Megan Fox Back Into The Family

The Family? So I guess that means Michael Bay is the father and you know he makes everybody call him daddy in a high-pitched voice.

Well, I guess the need to put Botox on the table will make you forget that you hate a douche. Get that check, Megan, I guess. Michael Bay didn’t say who Megan Fox is playing, but it’s kind of obvious that she’s going to be April O’Neill, which confirms that this movie is going to be a grade A mess and should only be watched while under the influence of some mind-altering shit.

The only thing that will save this mess of a movie is if they get Vanilla Ice to recreate this masterpiece:

UPDATE: She’s playing April O’Neill and that makes no sense. But hopefully they continue to make no sense and cast Courtney Stodden as Donatello.