Dora the Explorer will be getting a grown-up live-action treatment courtesy of Michael Bay’s production company, Platinum Dunes. To borrow from Dora herself, can you say, “This will be a mess? Un desastre?”
On The Graham Norton Show last week, Kate Beckinsale briefly talked about what it’s like working with Michael Bay on Pearl Harbor. Kate said that she was told that if she got the role of a 1940s nurse she had to work out, and she pointed out that Michael Bay told reporters while pimping out the movie that he cast her in the role because she’s not so attractive that she’d alienate female movie goers. On a Michael Bay scale from ten tanks exploding in a row to ten tanks exploding in a row as chicks in bikinis wash Ferraris, that story was somewhere in the middle. It’s not the most Michael Bay story I’ve heard. It’s not like he asked Kate Beckinsale to shoot a scene where she ripped off her nurse’s uniform and while she used it to stop an injured patient’s wound from bleeding, the camera got a close-up of her ass in a white lace thong. Watch that scene be in the 20th anniversary DVD of Pearl Harbor.
The fun house mirror David Spade (and yes, I would) defended himself on his site by saying that yes, he asked Kate to work out, but he claims most actors filming an action movie need to work out. Michael Bay didn’t deny saying what he said about Kate to reporters, but he did say that they’re totally friends.
Kate Beckinsale was on The Graham Norton Show (via People) over the weekend, and she got into what it was like working with zen dildo in linen pants Michael Bay on the movie Pearl Harbor. Kate said that when Michael Bay took one look at her, he basically malfunctioned before going, “Tits too small, hair too brown, does not compute!”
Multi-multi millionaire movie director and tall drink of douche water Michael Bay owns a waterfront house in Miami, a Gulfstream G550 jet, a Bel Air Mansion and he claims his net worth is half a B (that’s $500 million in douche speak). But one day, he plans to show up Mark Zuckerberg by giving ALL of his money to charity. The only straight dude to buy from the International Male catalog (probably) did an interview with Rolling Stone to promote his new movie about Benghazi (I can’t) and he was asked about how much money he has. Many rich bitches would spit out an answer like, “I don’t know,” or “Talking about money is vulgar, darling,” but not Michael Bay.
And here’s a preview of what it looks like when Michael Bay simultaneously shits and jacks off on 80s childhood favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That headline is dripping with zero sarcasm, because I really thought this trailer would be nothing but Megan Fox washing the Ninja Turtles’ shells in a bikini while shit exploded behind her over and over again. But the trailer for the Michael Bay-produced Ninja Turtles movie is maybe 10% explosions and the rest is made up of shit crashing into shit, leftover scenes from Transformers movies and the highest-paid masking doll Megan Fox trying to look shocked and surprised when she’s really giving off the emotion of a wet Rubbermaid silicone trivet. I have nothing but hate for this mess of a trailer, because Partners in Kryme is nowhere to be heard and what they did to the Ninja Turtles is the definition of NOT RIGHT.
THROW ALL THE HOLY WATER AT IT!
Megan Fox shouldn’t have just fainted. Her rubber face should’ve slid off of her skull at the sight of that mutated Shrek dingle. The only way to explain why the Ninja Turtles look like Satan’s kidney stones is to say that they were created when Lindsay Lohan sneezed out a clump of boogers onto a turtle after snorting battery acid and uranium. They look more like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds.
And here’s the living and breathing Real Doll in L.A. with her son a few days ago.
Michael Bay was at CES, which is like some kind of electronics show, in Las Vegas today to slobber out words of praise for Samsung’s new, fancy TV, and his presentation was just like his movies: full of bombs, script-less and a mess. The teleprompter stopped working and Michael Bay tried to go on without it, but he tripped up and then QUIT THAT BITCH. If it was anybody else, I’d cringe until I prolapsed, but since this happened to that fun house mirror Scott Bakula-looking asshole, I laughed and laughed and laughed. This is the most entertaining thing Michael Bay has ever done! A quick minute after he gave me that beautiful moment, he admitted on his site that he’s not really good at doing it live.
Wow! I just embarrassed myself at CES – I was about to speak for Samsung for this awesome Curved 105-inch UHD TV. I rarely lend my name to any products, but this one is just stellar. I got so excited to talk, that I skipped over the Exec VP’s intro line and then the teleprompter got lost. Then the prompter went up and down – then I walked off. I guess live shows aren’t my thing.
But I’m doing a special curved screen experience with Samsung and Transformers 4 footage that will be traveling around the world.
The pleasure that Michael Bay felt while watching Megan Fox wash his Ferrari in her bikini is probably the same kind of pleasure that Megan Fox felt while watching this. DuPont should send a few workers over to Megan Fox’s house to fix her plastic face, because she totally cracked it while smiling at this.