Last month, Michael Phelps “raced” a shark, aka cheated us out of a Man vs. Nature-style super-race by swimming next to a cheap CGI shark. Little did we know that while Michael was swimming on his own (cue up the Robyn), his sperms were racing each other to his wife’s fallopian tubes.
The man who scoffs at Aquaman’s tired dog-paddling, Michael Phelps, is so over racing ordinary humans in the pool. For his next trick, the multiple Olympic gold winner is going to RACE A SHARK. And no, it’s not going to require Ryan Lochte taking his dumb ass to Party City to look for a shark costume. We’re talking an actual fins-and-teeth, “GET OUT OF THE WATER!“-type shark. Continue reading
Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte look like they’re having a gallon of chlorinated fun in that picture above, but it sounds like it might be the last shirtless Best Bros 4 Life selfie they will ever take together. Ryan recently spoke to USA Today about taking lemons (lying about getting held at gunpoint in Rio) and making lemonade (attempting to win back America’s love by shaking it on Dancing with the Stars). Sadly, Speedo isn’t the only who isn’t returning Ryan Lochte’s phone calls since the Rio incident. Ryan says he’s also having a hard time getting a hold of Michael Phelps.
I actually don’t hate it. I think that’s the sexiest Michael Phelps has ever looked. Yes, it’s like irritated Shrek and irritated Stitch had an angry baby but animated rage babies are so big right now.
Nature is truly a wonder! They tell us that different species cannot come together to procreate, yet here we stand in awe. Olympic machine, and possible non-human (18 GOLD MEDALS, WHAT?!), Michael Phelps gave his fiancee, Nicole Johnson, who is just a regular human, although she’s a former Miss California, a case of the babies nine months ago. And now said baby has arrived. Please welcome to the stage, Boomer Robert Phelps. Yes, Boomer! Put that in your “I can’t” file.
Michael posted the above picture earlier today on Instagram. But Boomer was actually born on the 5th, as per Michael’s caption:
Welcome Boomer Robert Phelps into the world!!! Born 5-5-2016 at 7:21 pm !!! Healthy and happy!!! Best feeling I have ever felt in my life!!! @nicole.m.johnson and Boomer both healthy!!! #boomerphelps 📷 @boonestudios
Just like those soulless Kartrashians stole Blac Chyna’s Mother’s Day pregnancy announcement, Michael stole it from Nicole. Just look at the picture. Boomer and Michael’s body are totally in sharp focus, Michael is topless and Nicole is blurred out in the back, exhausted from having a baby and reminding me a touch of a Kylie Jenner face swap. Rude, Michael! Rude!
Listen, it’s not my baby and they can name it whatever they want, but Boomer Phelps sounds like something you come up with during the porn name game. Then again, it’s a sporty sounding so they’re probably imagining him winning a million gold medals and zooming to the moon or something. At this point, you’ve gotta give celeb kids a WTF ass name or they take away your fame, right?