For the Jolie-Pitts, nothing puts the “f”s in “family fun” quite like “forced foto-ops” on the red carpet for a kids movie with mom. Angelina Jolie unplugged the X-Box mid-Fortnite Battle Royale and told all them kids to go put on their outside clothes for the Hollywood premiere of Tim Burton’s Dumbo. Here’s the twist: They had fun.
Michael Keaton is a class act and always has been since Mister Mom right on up until he quietly shelved his Oscars acceptance speech when he didn’t win Best Actor for Birdman. And finally, the class act within has been turned without and we see him in his full glory! Here’s Michael Keaton done up as “V.A. Vandervere” in he upcoming live-action Dumbo flick. Please note the wavy perfection of the hair, the austere blue of the shades, and the sexy, commanding finger on that cane. Cane ME, Mr. Vandervere! Silver Fox Michael Keaton is already the best-dressed at tonight’s Golden Globes and I don’t think he’s even going to tonight’s Golden Globes.
The teaser trailer for Tim Burton’s Dumbo is here and I’ve got to say, I forgot how much I love him. It’s so nice to have a Johnny Depp-less Burton film to look forward to! As far as Disney live-action remakes go, this looks pretty dark. And that’s a good thing! Dumbo is a deeply disturbing story that’s ruined many a childhood. It deserves an equally disturbing, childhood ruining remake.
Here’s the trailer for Dumbo with the theme song “Baby Mine” sung by Norwegian singer-songwriter Aurora (via Polygon):
Holy anime eyes Tim Burton’s Batman! Also, Holy Batman, Batman! Yes, according to Polygon, that is best Batman Michael Keaton as V.A. Vandevere, a “persuasive entrepreneur” who recruits Dumbo for his “larger-than-life entertainment venture, Dreamland”. Keeping it in the Bat-Fam, Danny DeVito plays a circus owner who recruits Colin Farrell and his two kids to take care of Dumbo.
And in case you’ve got sand in your eyes and couldn’t tell, the little girl who plays Colin’s daughter Milly looks exactly like Thandie Newton. With good reason! She’s played by Nico Parker, Thandie’s 13 year-old mini-me. I’m not going to say one word about that beautiful girl Nico being having a very white family in this film (ok, maybe I said 21 words). Nowhere to be seen though are those racist ass crows from the original. Although, maybe they will address that elephant in the room in subsequent treatments.
At last night’s L.A. premiere of Spider-Man: Homecoming, Hannibal Buress, who plays Coach Wilson in it, walked the red carpet and did some interviews. The only problem is, despite what that lower third super would lead you to believe, that’s not Hannibal Buress, obviously.
“Gee whiz, if only I was bitten by a radioactive lunch lady, then I’d have the power to save my mouth from this grody cafeteria pizza!”
The news that we were getting a fresh-outta-Pampers Spider-Man was a major clue that the latest Spider-Man reboot was going to feel like a superhero movie released by the Disney Channel. Sony released the first trailer for Spider-Man: Homecoming during Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, and it’s definitely giving off that vibe. Tom Holland is 20 years old in real life, but they really high school-ed up this version of Peter Parker. It doesn’t help that his haircut makes him look like a “15-year-old at Sears Portrait Studio with his mom.”
The only way I feel comfortable referring to this Peter Parker as “Spider-Man” would be if Marisa Tomei’s Aunt May opened the movie by showing the audience pictures from Peter Parker’s bar mitzvah. “And this is the day Peter became a man. So technically it’s not weird to call him Spider-Man. Now on with the show!”
We also get a look at Zendaya, who may or may not be playing Mary Jane Watson, and she’s giving me the so-edgy aspiring Instagram stylist version of a young Enid Coleslaw and a vintage copy of Sassy. We also get to see Michael Keaton as The Vulture, which feels a little weird. I mean, it’s a grown-ass man telling a teen boy he’s going to kill him. That sounds like the kind of fight that would happen in the parking lot of a Walmart between the cart boy and the uptight owner of the Audi he joy rode a cart into.
Here’s Zendaya earlier this week at the opening of the Broadway musical Dear Evan Hansen.
Unless Hollywood is announcing that they’re finally making a feature-length film adaptation of Out of This World, I don’t have much interest in casting news regarding movies about teens with super powers. However, I cared deeply when I learned last month that Michael Keaton might have lost out on the role of the villain in the latest Spider-Man reboot because they only had enough money in the budget for Robert Downey Jr. How rude of Hollywood to pinch their pennies and deny us the image of Michael Keaton slipping his sexy middle-aged dad body into some tight leather villain business. I don’t know for sure that his costume would have been tight and made of leather, but why not? I think we can all agree that tight leather is a good look no matter what the occasion.
Well, maybe Hollywood heard the wails of myself and the small handful of creeps who also think Michael Keaton was robbed of a job, or maybe they just asked the bank for more money, because sources have confirmed to Deadline that Michael Keaton got that role in Spider-Man: Homecoming. Michael Keaton’s first meeting with Marvel didn’t make it past the offer stage. But clearly there weren’t any other actors that made their hearts flutter like Keaton did, so they came back to him and entered final negotiations this morning. And according to Deadline’s sources, that’s when it was decided Michael Keaton would play a character called The Vulture.
The Vulture is Spider-Man’s first real villain. He’s an older bald dude who sort of looks like a young Mr. Burns and dresses like a bird. Maybe that’s what sealed the deal for Marvel; Michael Keaton comes with his own bird costume!
I’m really glad Michael Keaton held out for those Marvel dollars and didn’t jump at whatever paltry number they offered him the first time. Marvel’s Captain America: Civil War has made almost $1 billion so far. I really hope he negotiated for some crazy expensive shit. “I want to start every morning with a Lipitor and dinosaur egg omelette and end every night with a caviar-filled jacuzzi. And I need to be carried to and from my trailer by Chris Evans dressed as Captain America. I’ve seen those recent box office numbers, so don’t tell me you can’t make it happen.”