I ended up falling right into Marvel’s thirst trap, just like the every other horny ho I know, when I finally took my ass to see Black Panther. While Danai Gurira is the one that had me siding a few notches sideways on the Kinsey Scale, I was not immune to the particular charms of Michael B. Jordan and his perfectly swole pectorals. Even my 70-year-old auntie came to me in a flush asking where that sexy young man with the bumps on his chest came from and where could she see more of him. So I’m not surprised that Michael has been causing high school children’s hormones to act a fool. One girl allegedly got so hot and bothered, she bit down so hard she snapped her retainer!
Black Panther continues to be the entity that brings things together. First, it’s bringing diverse audiences together. Second, it’s bringing Marvel together with their love of tons of money. And finally it’s bringing two of its stars, Michael B. Jordan and Lupita Nyong’o together to either reveal that they’re doing it or they’re simply trying to garner more buzz for the film by making us all think that they’re doing it.
If you’re sick and tired of hearing the overused screams of “YASSSSS QUEEN” then do yourself a favor and skip this post because the the purple carpet at the Black Panther premiere last night was shouting it from the mountain top! Every little phrase we’ve stolen from drag culture is appropriate here. I am gagged and my wig is snatched. Yes, they all did jump from there.
I’m so used to seeing Oprah Winfrey giving tons of high-energy excitement on the cover of O Magazine, that it’s a little weird to see her working such drabness on the cover of Vanity Fair’s annual Hollywood Issue. I know the theme of ever Hollywood Issue “Stars who forgot to pop an Ambien the night before and only got 2 hours of sleep,” and I’ll applaud Oprah for playing along. But you know there’s a part of her that wanted to drop Reese Witherspoon, rip off that black satin duvet cover to reveal a shimmering jewel-toned gown underneath, throw up her arms and crank a full-tooth smile behind a headline that reads “2018 Is Your Year To SHINE!”
And it will almost make you forget for a second about the Black Panther superhero suit. I said almost, not completely. Like, I’m interested in this trailer, but I also want to know why that costume looks like a custom-made S&M gimp suit purchased by Panthro from Thundercats.
The B in Michael B. Jordan is quickly beginning to stand for Bae. Because, not only is he a fantastic actor, he’s also not too bad on the eyes. Which almost makes me cringe, because I remember when he played a young Wallace on The Wire back in the day and it makes me feel equal parts ancient and pervy.
Ok, I’m over it now.
These days, Michael has been comfortably settling into his rising star with stellar performances in Fruitvale Station and last year’s blockbuster hit Creed. But he’s also set for more box office success with the highly anticipated Marvel flick Black Panther, which will be released in 2017. With great success also comes unwanted side effects, and for many actors the dreaded “He Gay!!” rumor always comes a knockin’ with a rainbow flag and gift basket filled with condoms, lube and the Dreamgirls soundtrack.