Open Post: Hosted By A Woman Who Photoshopped Herself Into A Picture With Michael B. Jordan And Ended Up With The Real Thing
Most of us hos are too lazy to do anything about our celebrity crushes other than to lazily think about masturbating while idly thinking about sweater daddy Tom Hardy in Lawless, only to get distracted and wind up worrying that your oncoming headache is definitely a brain tumor. Not so for Bolu Babalola. Bolu put her rich fantasy life to good use and Photoshopped a picture of herself standing next to Michael B Jordan and posted it on Twitter asking people to help her reunite with her summer fling. It was a joke, of course, a play on the “please help me find… Twitter do your thing” posts that been going around of late. But to her surprise, the post went viral and faster than you can say “Wakanda Forever”, she found herself standing next to Michael in the flesh. Whores, it’s time to step up our games.
My Hot Tip For Hot Dudes: Keep it shut! That’s it, it really is that simple. Fewer clothes, fewerer words. You would have thought that Michael B. Jordan would have learned this lesson by now after ruining a perfectly good fantasy about me, him, Lupita and Martin Freeman (don’t you dare judge me) tied up together in a Wakandan Knot by speaking out on separate rumors that he was gay and that he and Lupita Nyong’o were dating. Now he’s making things weird again by re-addressing the rumors that he only dates white women, when all I really care about is that he’s staying hydrated and not skipping glutes day.
You might say she’s a fan of Black Panther. Last night was the PR Paid For This People’s Choice Awards on E!, and the award winner for Female Artist of 2018 and Album of the Year may not have been well-received in Cardi B’s camp. Nicki Minaj won both, but rather than taunt her usual sparring partner (there’s plenty of time for that in Part 900 of Queen Radio!), she seemed to be telling the world she was horny as hell.
Yesterday, The Hollywood Reporter broke news that we might never see Henry Cavill’s thick thighs squeezed into his Superman suit ever again. Warner Bros. released a statement saying they loved working with Henry and that no decisions have been made, but they wouldn’t confirm whether he was officially done or not. Henry has jumped into the conversation, but he hasn’t said much either.
Mostly, the MTV Movie & TV Awards will give their Movie of the Year award to something shitty but popular (example: the Twilight saga sweeping the category from the years 2009 to 2012). But sometimes the stars align and MTV is able to give the award to a movie that is both good and popular, and this year was one of those years. Black Panther ended up taking home a bunch of awards.
I ended up falling right into Marvel’s thirst trap, just like the every other horny ho I know, when I finally took my ass to see Black Panther. While Danai Gurira is the one that had me siding a few notches sideways on the Kinsey Scale, I was not immune to the particular charms of Michael B. Jordan and his perfectly swole pectorals. Even my 70-year-old auntie came to me in a flush asking where that sexy young man with the bumps on his chest came from and where could she see more of him. So I’m not surprised that Michael has been causing high school children’s hormones to act a fool. One girl allegedly got so hot and bothered, she bit down so hard she snapped her retainer!