Michael Avenatti is the walking, talking punchline to every dumb lawyer joke you’ve ever heard. In addition to the fraud and embezzlement charges he’s already facing for allegedly defrauding his clients to pad his own pockets, and a lawsuit brought by Nike accusing him of extortion, new allegations that he defrauded his main meal ticket Stormy Daniels have emerged. According to the AP, Michael is accused of forging Stormy’s signature and stealing her book advance to pay for his “extravagant lifestyle”. Q: What’s the difference between a Michael Avenatti and a hooker? A: a hooker only screws one person at a time. See, it works every time!
I’m beginning to think Stormy Daniels has a bad taste in men – no wonder she quit this one! Michael Avenatti, an attorney who seems to need an hourly cable news appearance in order to live or, as Gloria Allred likely calls him, “amateur hour,” isn’t having the best few weeks. He and Stormy mysteriously ended their attorney-client relationship, and now the FBI is barking up his tree for some shady shit and he was arrested on federal charges. Yeah, the dude who screams at a lot of people for being a crook may end up being one himself: the FBI is investigating his ass for wire and bank fraud AND trying to extort money from Nike. Luckily, Nike proved with their Colin Kaepernick ads they DGAF about screaming banshees, so they called the FBI as soon as Michael started getting lippy with them.
R. Kelly Tried To Set The Record Straight With An Interview With Gayle King. It Was Probably A Mistake
You may have already seen a few clips of Robert Sylvester Kelly sobbing, raging, and speaking directly to the camera in his CBS This Morning interview with Gayle King. It was a lot. We all know that Robert’s reading comprehension is not quite up to grade level, so maybe he read the invitation wrong. Maybe instead of agreeing to sit down with an adult woman and answer some very basic questions about the allegations he’s facing, he thought instead he was agreeing to come in and audition for a community theater bible play about wrongfully persecuted man whose only crime was having too big a heart.
R. Kelly Is Still In Jail Because He Can’t Afford Bail, And Michael Aventatti Says There’s Another Tape
Robert Sylvester Kelly is broker inna mofo. In fact, Robert is so broke that he’s still sitting in jail today after turning himself in to Chicago police over the weekend and is unable to pay the $100,000 he needs to meet the minimum 10% on the $1 million bail bond that was set for him. If Robert has a pot to piss in, it’s courtesy of the Cook County Jail, and he probably has to share. And his woes don’t end there, despite the fact that his attorney Steve Greenberg entered the laughable plea of “not guilty” on all 10 charges of aggravated sexual assault he’s facing.
According to TMZ, Michael Avenatti has turned over an additional tape that allegedly depicts Robert sexually assaulting the same child that appears in the previous tape Michael turned over to the Cook County State’s Attorney. That one prompted the long overdue grand jury investigation, and the second tape sounds to be even more graphic and repugnant that the first.
Well I’ll be damned. Just when you thought the entire Chicago legal system was laser focused on proving the guilt of a man who used a personal check in the alleged commission of a felony, it’s nice to know they also had the time to conduct a grand jury investigation into the alleged sexual abuse crimes of Robert Sylvester Kelly. According to TMZ, the Cook County State’s Attorney Kim Foxx has charged Robert with 10 counts of aggravated criminal sexual abuse, and I just decided to have champagne for lunch. And dinner. While I’m celebrating, Robert is probably packing a sad brown bag lunch and texting his one remaining friend to come water his plants while he’s gone because he’s expected to voluntarily turn himself over to authorities tonight after a no-bail arrest warrant was issued.
Michael Avenatti wasn’t able to land his big game fish, Donald Trump (bottom feeding flat fish can grow quite big, don’t ya know), but apparently he’s had his sights set on easier prey too. Michael announced that he’s been in possession of a previously unseen tape of Robert Sylvester Kelly engaging in “multiple sexual assaults of a girl underage”. According to Michael, he’s been representing “multiple clients” with allegations of sexual assault against Robert since April of 2018, and has been doing so pro bono because he cares deeply about “young African-American girls”. I’m sure his involvement had nothing at all to do with sidling up to the white-hot spotlight R. Kelly’s been living under since, I don’t know, about April of 2018. But regardless of his motives, it sounds like Michael may have found a smoking gun, and has turned it over to the Cook County State’s Attorney’s office.