QOTD: The Met Gala Was Not Good Enough For Goopy

If you’ve ever wanted to go to the Met Gala, you’re crazy. But if you’re going to go, go next year, because it’s going to be GOOP-free! Goopy Paltrow told USA Today in so many words that she’d rather smoke non-organic crack out of a Dollar Tree crack pipe while giving herself a Mountain Dew enema on a pile of t-shirts from The Gap than go to the Met Gala again. Goopy barfed out this crap nugget:

“I’m never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”

Since I write about Goopy nearly every second of the damn day, I practically speak fluent GOOP. What she’s really saying is, “I’m totally going next year, because that low-rent event needs me and I can write it off as charity. It was so bougie. The bougie sweat so much and I refused to breathe, because I didn’t want to inhale their nasty bougie sweat fumes! There was so much trash there too! For a second I thought they invited my weekend maid, but then she told me her name was Minka Kelly and that’s not my weekend maid’s name. The only time I enjoyed myself was when my sister from another mister, Beyonce, and I sat on this abandoned, lumpy sofa and made fun of all the poors in off-the-rack dresses.”

Eyebrow Situation Of The Night: Ginnifer Goodwin

Ginnifer Goodwin normally looks like the black sheep of the Keebler Elves or a Garbage Pail Kid to me, but at the Met Gala last night she looked like a Garbage Pail Kid after getting a glamorous eyebrow makeover from Harald Glööckler. Stunning. Perfect. Exquisite. When she’s done with those brows, they should pull them off her face, put a gold frame around them and hang them on the biggest wall at the Met.

Who Worked It Better?

Answer: Did I even need to ask?

New York’s Department of Fish and Wildlife rushed to the Met last night, because they received dozens of panicked calls from people who were horrified to see a traumatized chipmunk struggling to get out of a net after getting viciously attacked by a porcupine. Oh, but it was just Miley being punk rock.

Most people probably didn’t recognize Miley Cyrus at the Met Gala last night, because her ass cheeks weren’t hanging out and because that electrocuted hair made everyone think she was that dude from Sum 41 (the one who was married to Avril Lavigne), so they just walked on by. Perfect disguise, Miley!

And here’s even more pictures from last night. Basically, any trick in a borrowed dress could get in. My family gatherings have a stricter guest list than this shit had. In order: Messy Miley, the ghost of a homeless bridge urchin from the 1920s, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, Katie Holmes (whose sheet dress can be used as an escape rope just in case the Scientologists come after her when she’s on the second floor) Derek Hough in ballerina drag, Swifty, a Vulcan priestess (aka Coco Rocha), Linda Evangelista (who REALLY wants a role in Games of Thrones), Tiger Woods with a blonde who will hate him in a few months, Chelsea Clinton, Rooney Mara, the leader of a cult of hippie trolls, Tom Brady with Gis and Zachary Quinto (looking like Duckie from the Pretty in Pink after he got a job in Prince’s band).

Screw Beyonce, It Was All About Her Gentleman-In-Waiting

Somewhere in Reno, NV, a casino is missing most of its carpet, because Beyonce wore it last night to the Met Gala in NYC. Beyonce was one of the last to show up, so the stairs were pretty much clear for the empress of her own world to glide to the top while looking like the Hot Wheels logo and Ed Hardy’s bowels exploded all over her. This baroque ass mess looks like it fell out of House of Dereon’s b-hole, but it was actually made by Givenchy who are also responsible for Kim Kartrashian’s curb couch mess of a dress.

Beyonce got all of the attention for looking like a bedspread from Liberace’s guest room, but all of the attention should’ve gone to her dedicated dandy-in-waiting. Ty Hunter is Beyonce’s stylist and he followed her all around the red carpet and made sure the train on her train wreck of a dress was sprawled out perfectly. The Basquiat-looking beauty in sparkly pants has more restraint than I do, because he could’ve easily yanked that train a little too hard, but he held it together and let a less glamorous queen than him get all the attention. It’s a damn shame, because he should be the one standing on top of the stairs like a regal bitch.

And Basement Baby was also there last night looking like Coffy in the Tropics.

And Then There Was Madge

As Baby Brahim looked at Madge’s ass knowing full well that he’ll have to lick virgin’s blood off of those double mounds of roided-up muscle at the end of the night, she spread her legs and gave everyone a view of her memaw crotch at the Met Ball. This look is very “current day Anjelica Huston as a Hot Topic stripper” and she looks ridiculous, but it’s still a million times more interesting than all the boring ass boring dresses that went down the red carpet. And the cross burning under her Illuminati puss was a nice touch.

But she should’ve left Baby Brahim with his nanny, because he looks like he’s wearing a uniform from an all-girls private school run by Run DMC and that’s not the look.

Okay, Okay, Sarah Jessica Parker Won The Met Gala

If your eyeballs haven’t turned into stone balls from staring deep into Sarah Jessica Parker’s crotch (“I haven’t even stared at the Crotch of Sauron” – Matthew Broderick), then slow clap for her Iggy Pop-looking ass, because she took the night’s theme of “punk” and galloped away with it. She looks like vomit and diarrhea from a punk sprayed against a velvet plaid sofa and that headpiece looks like a fancy horse’s idea of a mohawk. Spartacus just wants to hop on her back and together they’ll lead the slave uprising against the Roman Republic! Bitch went hard, looks a wreck and I love it.

And here’s pictures just 1/100th of the bitches who showed up to the Met Gala tonight and completely pulled an opposite SJP by ignoring the theme. In order: Kate Upton (didn’t try), Jennifer Lawrence (didn’t try), Gavin Rossdale (semi-tried), Gwen Stefani (probably tried but gave up and threw napkins on her bod instead), Carey Mulligan (didn’t try), JLo (didn’t try, should’ve been escorted to the exit), Kristen Stewart (semi-tried, because looking like an embroidered used tampon is sort of punk rock), Katy Perry (um, did any of these hos know what the theme was?) and the Queen of the Death Eaters.