I See What You Did There, Donatella Versace

Donatella Versace may be my pick for best dressed mess at last night’s Meth Gala and that’s only because sources (that only exist in my head) tell me that she trolled the shit out of the KarJenners.

Because Anna Wintour will invite any ole’ trick with 10 million Instagram followers or more to the Met Gala, Kylie Jenner went again and looked like the low-tide baby of Draco Malfoy and Travis The Singing Trout who got caught in a barf-colored fishermen’s net. Donatella Versace is partly responsible for that busted look since she designed the dress, but that’s not the trolling I’m talking about. I’m talking about Donatella posing next to Kim Kartrashian’s fame whore apparent while looking like a really glamorous piss stream.

The original Kim Kartrashian was there last night, so I’m surprised that her packing peanuts-stuffed ass didn’t act on instinct and immediately rub themselves against Donatella’s golden showers gown. My only complaint about Donatella’s stunning sopissticated look is that she didn’t finish it off with a boomerang fascinator on her head. Then she’d really look like piss coming out of Ray-J’s boomerang dick. Next time, Donatella. Next time!

Continue reading

Now For Claire Danes And Her Fashion Tribute To 2004

At least I assume that’s what’s supposed to be going on here? Claire Danes must either be working out the kinks of a new prescription from her optometrist, or she legitimately wanted to dress in this outfit for the Met Gala. I think it’s the second option. But mostly because I want to believe there’s a stylist out there who successfully convinced Claire Danes to work some aspiring early-00s European trance DJ realness.

Claire Danes’ Met Gala ensemble is something Stefon would describe in a Why She Looks A Mess support group. Claire’s outfit has everything: cargo pockets, the cheapest curtain panel from IKEA, Cameron Diaz’s old hair, those folded paper fans your auntie makes when she’s too hot in church, pants from a Pussycat Dolls fire sale.

That whole outfit, which you can thank Monse for, gave me a major flashback to about a decade ago. I had a very similar shirt. Except mine had way more grommets and laces, and I definitely wore it with a pair of knock-off stiletto Converse that I bought for $19.99 at Zellers. Although I never would have paired it with those cargo-pocket formal pants like Claire. Pseudo-combat style mixed with suburban wannabe? Ugh, so tacky!

Pics: Wenn.com

At Least Someone Did Herself Up In The Theme! 

Every year, there’s always a giant chunk of celebrities at the Met Gala who completely wet fart on the theme and go with their own, which is usually: Rejected Dresses Leftover From Awards Season. Even Anna Wintour showed up to this year’s Met Gala in some dusty dress that Carol Channing definitely wore a million times better in the 1960s (see: Anna Wintour in the gallery below looking like a sad lamp from Liberace’s least favorite guest room). While watching the Vogue live feed of the Met Gala last night, some bland, I forgot who, said something about how she wanted to be comfortable. Bitch, if you want to be comfortable, stay at home in your sweats and t-shirt and watch the live feed while sitting on your futon like the rest of us do! You’re doing the Met Gala completely wrong if it doesn’t take six assistants, a registered nurse, a long plastic hose, a thing of KY and a janitor with a mop to help you piss.

But in last night’s sea of basic (see: the sea of basic in the gallery after the cut), there were a few bright spots of fuckery who actually paid attention in class when the theme was given. Enter: RiRi!

Continue reading

Who Is That Covered-Up Woman Next To A-Rod?

The last time we saw Jennifer Lopez at an event, she was a few unsecured pieces of fashion tape away from flashing her bits. The only way JLo could top herself would be if she showed up to the Met Gala wearing a gown made entirely out of nude illusion fabric and a warning before she walked down the red carpet. Instead, she took a night off from being aggressively sexy (don’t take it personally, sexy) and showed up to the Met Gala in a neck-to-floor Valentino.

Continue reading

Selena Gomez And The Weeknd Made Their Official Debut At The Met Gala

Because not everyone is an Instagram-scrolling millennial, famous young couples have to let old people (everyone over 30) know they’re officially a thing by showing up together at a huge industry event. Boring twosome Selena Gomez and The Weeknd picked the beige (how fitting) carpet of famous people prom to debut their relationship. And they did it while looking like that always over-compensating couple at said prom. They’re really selling their relationship hard; I bet they spent most of the night testing everyone’s gag reflexes by hanging out in the lobby all night, cooing “I love you” to each other. According to E! News, they actually are that couple.

Continue reading

And Then There Was The Olsens……

The theme of tonight’s Meth Gala was Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garçons, and I guess to Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, “Japanese avante-garde” means looking like vampires circa the 9th century who troll the shores of Scandinavia for passed-out and drunk vikings to suck the souls out of. Or maybe Mary-Kate and Ashley weren’t even planning to go to the Meth Gala tonight. They just so happened to be in the neighborhood, hunting for squirrels to suck the blood out of, when they saw that a little party was going on at the Met and so they casually walked on in. I mean, if you told me that these ensembles are Mary-Kate and Ashley’s casual Monday night outfits, I wouldn’t accuse you of lying.

I don’t even know why the Olsens go to the Met Gala anymore. It feels beneath them, and besides, there’s no souls for them to nibble on. Practically everybody who goes to the Met Gala doesn’t have a soul since that sold that shit years ago.

And even though it looks like they didn’t even try tonight, they still won, because looking like a cross between “5200 year old Celtic witches trapped in the bodies of hairless raccoons” and “twin E.T.s in Miss Havisham drag” is really and truly the look.

Pics: Getty