I know that headline feels like a mistake but yes, you read it correctly. Demi Lovato is legit angry at Nicki Minaj for not tagging her in an Instagram picture. First Solange blindly calls out a rude bitch on Twitter, and now Demi Lovato is slapping at Nicki Minaj via Snapchat. It truly is a red letter week for petty famous people on social media.
So this fight, which is no doubt already making you roll your eyes at the drama of it all, started yesterday when Nicki threw up a picture of herself standing beside Jeremy Scott and Demi at the Met Gala to Instagram. Nicki tagged Jeremy and she tagged Moschino (who was responsible for both Nicki and Demi’s dresses), but she didn’t tag Demi. Nicki might have done it on purpose, or it might have just been the result of leaning in too close and one of her titties accidentally hitting SHARE before she was done tagging. Whatever the real reason, Demi took it as shots fired and decided to hit back.
After everyone saw that video from 2014 of Solange going all Basement Baby Ali (“float like a moth ball, sting like a bee“) on Jay-Z in an elevator after the Met Gala, you’d think that people would make sure to be polite to her and keep their shady side-eyes to themselves. But apparently, one brave soul was rude to Solange at the Met Gala on Monday night. Instead of checking them with her flying fists, Solange checked the bitch with a blind item on Twitter. She tweeted a shout out to a member of the You So Artsy Club who was about as annoying as a hungry mouse nibbling at your toes when you’re trying to sleep on an egg crate in the basement.
Shout out to when you think you all "artsy and shit" , but your just rude and annoying lol
— solange knowles (@solangeknowles) May 3, 2016
The first response under Solange’s tweet is this:
— ⚪️ Beige Bitch ⚪️ (@alialmoore) May 3, 2016
Yeah, Taylor Swift probably rules the craft table in her playroom and nobody can make a pasta shell jewelry box like her, but does she consider herself “arty“? Yeah, she probably does. I don’t think it’s her, though. My first guesses were Kanye West or Lady Gaga. But you know, maybe there will be a major M. Night Shyamalan-approved PLOT TWIST in this riveting saga. Maybe Solange got really drunk at the Met Gala and when she went into the bathroom, she noticed a shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks. And well, it turns out that shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks was her own reflection in the mirror! When Solange finds out the truth, her reflection is totally going to get it.
When two sources “confirmed” that Kerry Washington had another baby growing in her belly yesterday, I made a joke that Kerry would confirm it herself by posing on the red carpet of the Met Gala with her hand placed on her stomach. And last night Kerry Washington hit the Met Gala red carpet with her hand on her stomach. Although I almost didn’t notice that hand because I was too distracted by that purple hair. Mon Dieu (splashes self with holy water), that hair! I am so conflicted. It’s not permanent (Instagram tells me that those are extensions), so that’s good. It sort of looks like the kind of fake hair you’d find on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which makes me want to pour myself a hot mug of penicillin. On the other hand, it looks like it was found on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which means it’s 100% pure fake hair perfection.
I’ve known some pregnant people, and one thing I’ve gleaned is that sometimes being knocked up makes you do some crazy things. Case in point: the gorgeous black lace boudoir ensemble Kerry is wearing. I feel like non-knocked up Kerry wouldn’t wear that. But knocked up Kerry? Sure! The more black lace the better. Or maybe this is Kerry’s way of paying tribute to Prince. If Prince designed maternity clothes, I’m almost positive that’s what he’d make.
Kerry didn’t exactly do much with the technology theme, but there were a few people who tried. Let’s start with Demi Lovato.
Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.
Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:
Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!
FKA Twigs: “And remember, darling – don’t be photographed anywhere near her, or my Twitter mentions are fucked.”
Robert Pattinson: (too hypnotized by her FKA Crotch to respond)
Last year’s undisputed Dick Queen of the Met Gala and her still-manages-to-look-greasy-even-with-a-shaved-head Hipster Prince almost had a run-in with his ex last night. It’s 2016, and most people probably couldn’t give a glitter-covered vampire crap that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart went to the same fancy-people party. But there are definitely still some Twihards out there who were no doubt reaching for the nearest brown paper bag in which to hyperventilate into after they realized that RPattz and KStew almost reunited on the Met Gala red carpet last night. I don’t know what happened once they were inside. Maybe they got together and did shots at the bar? Or maybe that never happened, because RPattz was too busy shooing people away from FKA Twigs who mistook whatever she’s wearing for a lumbar support belt and decided to ask her how much she would charge to move a 3 bedroom townhouse.
FKA Twigs barely stuck to the theme of technology, but Kristen Stewart did even less with the theme. As usual, KStew showed up in Chanel. She also apparently told the person doing her makeup: “Sure, silver eyeliner, whatever. I DON’T CARE.”
Despite the fact that silver eye shadow and some busted Hackers hair is literally the laziest way you could interpret the technology them, I am 100% into it. It takes me back to being 16 and blowing my first paycheck on a partially-damaged box of Frost & Tip and a 2-pack of Bonne Bell Eye DeFiners in Platinum.
A night of magic! A night of enchantment! Oh, the fantasy of fashion! Bringing to life stories of yore and shit. All manner of creatures made their way to the Meth Gala last night, so strong was the pull of photo ops and questionable clothing that it united the entire kingdom. There were the bridge trolls, in their traditional mud robes. A local sartorial celebrity, the old crone who lived in a shoe came to greet fans both young and old. And from far away Egypt came a mummy! How frightening! And the most fearsome and awe-inspiring of them all, the Grand High Witch.
We can only wonder who it was she cursed to prick their finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel. Hopefully Rita Ora. God, we all want her gone. Nicole Kidman graced the peasants with her icy glare and showed them what a real movie star looks like. And what a movie star looks like when she goes all out Stevie Nicks, witchy woman – I’m looking at you Madonna. Accompanying her was the dashing Prince Mall Highlights (aka Keith Urban). Because of her position as Grand High Witch, she must toe the line between good and evil, keeping the balance in check. Let’s hope she graciously lent a magical touch to the ailing leper. If she can freeze time – and her face – surely she can cure diseases of the skin.
As the moon rose high and the party went on, she watched over the other creatures, thinking to herself, “Who the fuck are these people?“, the others none the wiser. For one cannot tell what goes on behind that never changing visage. Her time was not long amongst those lowly things and shortly after, she left to return to the night…