There was a time when Thomas Markle was begging his other messy family members to keep their mouths shut about Duchess Meghan and the royal family, and was worried that the royals would get mad over him refusing to keep quiet about them. Well, just like my undies whenever I see a new hot pic of Prince Hot Ginge, Daddy Thomas has ripped that thought out of his brain and has gone full messy family member of a celebrity. Thomas thinks it’s really hilarious that he has the power to shut the royal family up. That cracking sound that Thomas hears outside of his Rosarito Beach house isn’t from the paparazzi he called checking their camera before shooting not-staged pics of him holding a tabloid with the royals on the cover and laughing at it. It’s Daniel Craig as James Bond cracking his knuckles while preparing to handle a bitch for THE QUEEN.
Homewrecking legend Miranda Lambert struck again earlier this year when she threw her iconic sledgehammer cooze at the married dick belonging to Evan Felcher (it’s Felker, but Felcher fits better in this case) whose band Turnpike Troubadours was the opening act on a few of her tour dates. Before Evan went out on tour with Miranda, his wife Staci Felker said that their marriage was mostly mylar heart balloons and strawberry-scented rainbow burps, so she was totally blindsided when he eventually became Casper The Cunty Ghost by ghosting her and then filing for divorce. I’m sure Miranda will talk about all of this while once again accepting her Homewrecker of the Year award at the League of Extraordinary Homewreckers’ annual luncheon, but so far she hasn’t said much. But Staci is still talking, and yesterday she posted a tragic tale on Instagram about Evan pulling an asshole-ified “touch me in the morning and then just walk away” move by sweeping into her life before exiting again a week later.
I know that the “Assault? Did he look at his face? Cause it sure is killing me” jokes write themselves when it comes to Johnny Depp. But this assault is the kind that is causing one more problem for Johnny’s already overworked lawyers. In May it was reported that Johnny had allegedly attacked a location manager during the filming of his latest film City of Lies. That location manager has recently decided to sue him.
Sofia Vergara’s slimy ex Nick Loeb recently moved to Louisiana in what was a blatant attempt to convince the mostly pro-life state to hand over the frozen embryos he’s been chasing for over three years now. But he can’t possibly be spending all his free time trying to get his frozen embryos Emma and Isabelle. As it turns out, he’s been killing time putting the $ in $hameless by making an anti-abortion movie in Louisiana.
Finally, an end appears to be in sight to the slo-mo car crash that has been our view into Heather Locklear‘s past year. If what TMZ reports is true, hopefully Heather, one of our Patron Saints of 1980s glamour vixens attached to sexy-sleazy rock stars (I’m also looking at you, Valerie Bertinelli), will soon be moving from what the Daily Mail says was a psychiatric hold at UCLA Medical Center into a long term facility. Continue reading
Yes, I am going use an old picture of Heather Locklear looking fresh and working every strand of that stunning layered yellow 90s mane rather than use another busted down mug shot of her looking every shade of dreadful.
In the past 12 months alone, these have been the Dlisted headlines about one of the Patron Saints of Primetime Soaps:
June 25, 2018 – Heather Locklear Got Arrested Again
March 13, 2018 – Heather Locklear Has Been Charged With Four Counts Of Battery
September 15, 2017 – Heather Locklear Ended Up In The Hospital After Driving Her Porsche Into A Ditch
Heather Locklear fans have been camped out in a prayer circle around her for a while. Well, you all better start getting your mail forwarded to that prayer circle, because the Tragic Saga Of Heather Locklear’s Violent Downward Spiral (which is the title of the eventual Lifetime movie, and Heather better play herself in an Emmy-winning triumphant return to the screen) isn’t over.