Category: MESS

Meghan Markle’s Father Isn’t Going To The Wedding Anymore Because He Doesn’t Want To Embarrass The Royals

May 14, 2018 / Posted by:

THE QUEEN just summoned Prince George to her throne room and ordered one of her ladies-in-waiting to pop them some popcorn, because they’re going to sit back and get into this soap opera drama that doesn’t involve their own family for once.

Last week, the British tabloids published pics of Meghan Markle’s dad, Thomas Markle, running all sorts of pre-royal wedding errands in Rosarito, Mexico, where he lives. Thomas was papped looking at tourist books about Britain and reading up on his future son-in-law at an internet cafe. The pics couldn’t have been more staged if he was fake crying on a random chair in the middle of the sidewalk over the shitty reviews about his music video. It was obvious to anyone with a tiny dollop of sense that Thomas posed for the pics, but The Daily Mail just had to call him out (after publishing those pics themselves), and they posted surveillance footage from the internet cafe of him setting the shots up with a pap. And now Thomas Markle is telling TMZ that he’s not going to walk Meghan down the aisle because he’s not going to the wedding. And he says he just had a heart attack! Any second now, I’m sure Meghan’s estranged half-brother Thomas Markle Jr. will hit up the tabloids to see if they want to buy another open letter where he begs the royal family to charge her with attempted murder since she’s obviously the cause of all this messiness.

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Johnny Depp Pulled A Johnny Depp On The Set Of His New Movie

May 7, 2018 / Posted by:

I could mean a lot of things by that headline. I could mean that a drunken Johnny Depp got into a fight with his earpiece after his assistant fed him the line, “Fuck you, asshole,” and Johnny thought that bitch ass earpiece was talking to him. I could also mean that a drunken Johnny Depp got into a fight with a shrub after thinking that shifty shrub looked at him funny. And I could mean that a drunken Johnny Depp tried to punch a crew member. This time, I’m talking about the third one.

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Meghan Markle’s Estranged Half-Brother Implores Prince Hot Ginge To Call Off The Wedding

May 3, 2018 / Posted by:

So let’s see, when I send InTouch Weekly a batshit insane handwritten open letter to Prince Hot Ginge, beseeching him to please not making the biggest royal wedding mistake since Duchess Camilla wore a wheat field on her dome to her own wedding, I get my letter returned along with the business card of a psychiatrist in my town. But when the estranged half-brother of Meghan Markle sends InTouch a batshit insane handwritten open letter to PHG, they give him a check and publish it. I see how it is, InTouch Weekly!

We’re a little over two weeks away from the day when my neighbors call animal control after hearing a traumatized drunk hyena sing Where Do Broken Hearts Go, and so all of the estranged members of Meghan Markle’s family are stepping up their crazy. Samantha Markle isn’t the only estranged half-sibling of Meghan’s who can slag her off for a check, Thomas Markle Jr. can do that too. Thomas Jr., who hasn’t seen Meghan since 2011, slammed her in an open letter to PHG and accuses her of coldly using their father Thomas Markle for his money and then not even inviting him to the wedding. Err, Tom Jr. should probably double check with daddy, because People says that he is going.

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Khloé Kardashian Reportedly Hasn’t Spoken To Tristan Thompson In Days

April 17, 2018 / Posted by:

Based on the testimony provided by all of the sources that crawled out of the woodwork last week, it seemed as though Khloé Kardashian’s new baby girl, True, had fully strengthened the bond between her mommy and cheater daddy, Tristan Thompson. According to TMZ, that would be…false. Much like the seams on the back of Khloé’s pants, her relationship with Tristan is barely hanging on by a thread.

When Khloé announced the name of her daughter yesterday, she said that True had “stolen our hearts,” adding “we are overwhelmed with love.” Khloé may have name-dropped Tristan, but according to sources that spoke with TMZ, that’s about as close as she’s gotten to him.

Khloé has not spoken to Tristan for several days because she’s still furious after finding out he repeatedly cheated on her, and embarrassed her in the process.

Khloé is still in Cleveland at Tristan’s house, but only because all the baby stuff is there. Once a doctor clears her to fly, she’s going back to L.A. Tristan is also at the house, and sources say they haven’t been alone together since leaving the hospital. That could have something to do with Kris Jenner, Kendall Jenner, Kim Kardashian, and Kourtney Kardashian all having flown out to see Khloé.

Despite allowing him to be in the delivery room last week and all the rumors that she had fully forgiven Tristan for cheating, she is nowhere close to forgiving him. And neither is her family. According to TMZ, everyone is pissed at Tristan, including Rob Kardashian, who is allegedly “raging.” Rob, it’s okay, but you don’t have to be jealous. I promise, it’s only a matter of time before you’re the Kardashian with the messiest co-parenting situation once again.

Pic: Instagram

Khloe Kardashian Has Named Her Baby The Opposite Of What Tristan Thompson Has Been To Her

April 16, 2018 / Posted by:

It looks like the only true thing that Khloe Kartrashian will ever get out of Tristan Thompson is a living Instagram pic accessory (that’s Kartrashian for “child“.)

Because Khlozilla is so “hood,” I fully expected her to name her 4-day-old daughter Kompton Kardashian. But instead of doing that, she brought on endless jokes by naming her poor baby True Thompson. I guess ISwearTristanThompsonIsntCheatingTrash Thompson didn’t fit on the birth certificate. The baby’s name might be True, but baby’s daddy is far fucking from it. The kid’s nickname should be “Wishful Thinking,” because True is something that Tristan will never be to Khlozilla.

Tru Davies better call a lawyer.

Not only is Khloe’s baby the only True thing between her and her wandering dick-having cheating slut of a man, but that baby is also the only True thing in the Kartrashian family.

When all the shit came out about Tristan Thompson’s dick paying a visit to every cooch that wasn’t attached to his latest pregnant girlfriend, I thought it was all part of Pimp Mama Kris’ diabolical plan to oust him from the family so that her newest little cooing ATM would get the last name Kardashian. But I was wrong. Besides, Khloe couldn’t name her daughter True if she gave True the last name Kardashian. It would be impossible. I mean, every time you type the words “True” and “Kardashian” next to each other, it automatically auto-corrects to False Kardashian since there’s nothing true about the koven.

UPDATE: Pimp Mama Kris claims that “True” is a family name, but since it came from the mouth of PMK, I’m going to say that this fun fact is a false fact!

Pic: Instagram

T.J. Miller Was Arrested For Calling In A Fake Bomb Threat On A Train

April 10, 2018 / Posted by:

TMZ says that Uber driver fighter T.J. Miller was arrested last night at LaGuardia Airport in Queens by police and the FBI for an alleged fake Amtrak bomb threat. While riding an Amtrak train from Washington, D.C. to New York City on March 18th, T.J. believed he saw something, so he decided to say something. He called 911 to report that a fellow passenger, a woman with brown hair and a scarf, had “a bomb in her bag.

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