Burt Reynolds is 82 years old. Some people in their 80s are still sharper than the spines on a cat’s dick and have got the energy of youngins a third of their age (see: Rita Moreno and Jane Fonda). But other people in their 80s, have the energy of a corpse that’s been reanimated using half-depleted AA batteries found in your grandma’s freezer, and say weird shit. Burt Reynolds falls into the second category.
Burt was on Today this morning, and when he wasn’t becoming Subway Jared’s new favorite actor, he was hypnotized by Hoda Kotb’s anti-Brielle Bermann lips.
“I’m sorry, all our operators are busy at the moment responding to calls about Tori Spelling or Dean McDermott. Please stay on the line” – is the prerecorded message one probably hears when they call the Tarzana police department. According to UsWeekly, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott continue to keep the police busy.
This week, Tommy Lee got into a fight with his son Brandon Lee, who allegedly punched him in the face in retaliation for some things he tweeted about Pamela Anderson. Tommy’s side of things was that Brandon sucker punched him while he was laying in bed with his fiancée Brittany Furlan. Brandon’s side was that Tommy has major problems with booze at the moment, and he punched his dad in self-defense. Tommy is now trying to get a restraining order against his son.
If you’re one of the unlucky people who are trapped in the seemingly cult leader-like trance of The Bachelor (your family missed and loves you!), then you know that last night’s 22nd season finale was messier than the shelf of urine sample cups after a round of contestant testing. The bachelor, Arie Luyendyk Jr., had two women left: Becca Kufrin and Lauren Burnham. Like fucking every bachelor on The Bachelor ever, he claimed to be in love with both of them and that it was a very “tough decision.”
As it turns out, the toughest part about that decision was making it and then telling everyone involved he wanted a do-over. Arie chose to propose to Becca Kufrin in Peru. Then when they get back to Los Angeles a few months later, Arie surprises Becca with a camera crew and the news that he’s cancelling their engagement, and that he’ll be hooking up with Lauren now. And now a former Bachelor contestant is claiming that’s not nearly the sleaziest thing Arie has been up to.
And Heather’s got another broke down, tragic mug shot to add to her collection. And this one screams “hungover me waking up having to piss 45 minutes before my alarm goes off and trying to decide whether I should get up or just stay in bed”
The last time I wrote about Heather Locklear, she was laid up in the hospital after driving her Porsche into a ditch in Thousand Oaks, CA. That was last year. Well, Heather Locklear may have gotten out of that ditch, but it looks like her personal life stayed there, because shit is still a mess. TMZ says that 56-year-old Heather was busted by the cops at her home in Thousand Oaks for allegedly beating up her boyfriend. And if that wasn’t already a 9-layer shit cake of tragicness, Heather added another layer by allegedly attacking a cop. Sammy Jo Carrington getting arrested for domestic abuse and battery on a cop gets 5 out of 5 “Oh, Sammy Jo, you wreck” from Aunt Krystle.
Fergie should really be spending all of her time opening up thank you cards from the NBA (for getting their little event some much-needed attention) and the ancestors of Francis Scott Key and John Stafford Smith (for finally interpreting their song right by doing it like a cougar drunk on daiquiris at a strip mall jazz club open mic night). But Fergie somehow found time to put together a statement for the hating bitches with no taste who did not understand the stream of art that warbled out of her mouth at last night’s All-Star Game.
Fergie said in the statement she gave to TMZ that she took a risk. Kind of like the legendary time she took a risk by holding her piss and ended up pissing herself on stage. Only some will say that instead of letting out piss on the stage, she let out a turd onto the court. Fergie should’ve just said it was an anti-Trump performance art piece, but instead she shrugged and went the “I tried” route:
“I’ve always been honored and proud to perform the national anthem and last night I wanted to try something special for the NBA. I’m a risk taker artistically, but clearly this rendition didn’t strike the intended tone. I love this country and honestly tried my best.”
Deadspin has video from Scat Queen Fergie’s National Anthem rehearsal, and surprisingly, everyone’s just standing around instead of covering her mouth with their hands while proclaiming, “Bitch, don’t do this!” But fuck the haters, it was a weird masterpiece mess. Fergie should really have the last laugh by marketing her version of the National Anthem as a high-powered security alarm that will keep out criminals and everybody else with ears. Nobody will dare go near your house if they think it’s being guarded by a wild hyena in heat. She’d outsell Whitney Houston’s version!