Hacker Group Anonymous Has Threatened To Reveal Secrets About Iggy Azalea Unless She Apologizes To Azealia Banks
For those of you thinking “Which one is the Itchy?“, American-sounding Australian rapper Iggy Azalea is on the left, and crazy-pants “gremlin baby” (copyright: T.I.) Azealia Banks is on the right. And right now, the one on the left is sweating her phony accent off, because she might have to decide between a public apology to the crusty human canker sore in her life or the door of her closet being blasted open and all of her skeletons falling out.
In case you’re not caught up on your messy Twitter fights, the latest feud between Iggy Azalea and Azealia Banks started when Iggy took a couple swipes at Azealia on Twitter after she discovered that Azealia was once again talking shit about her during a recent radio interview. Not surprisingly, Azealia hissed back a bunch of crazy, and it just escalated from there. And now its gotten 10x messier, because the hacker group Anonymous has gotten themselves involved, and they’re Team Azealia Banks. According to Billboard, Anonymous started tweeting at Iggy Azalea last night, accusing her that she’s guilty of “misappropriating black culture, insulting peaceful protesters, and making light of Eric Garner’s death” and threatening that if she doesn’t release a statement apologizing to Azealia Banks and the protesters in NYC, they would release proof that an Iggy Azalea sex tape exists. Not the whole tape, mind you, but several screen grabs showing her face, and maybe one of two of her old ass (I’m just assuming; they didn’t actually say that last part).
So far, Iggy Azalea hasn’t said anything about Anonymous’ threats or an apology, so it sounds like she might be calling their bluff like you used to when you were a kid and your babysitter threatened to call your parents. “Yeah? Go ahead. Here, use the good phone – that other one cuts in and out.” And Azealia Banks hasn’t said anything, because she’s too busy getting into a Twitter fight with rapper Action Bronson.
I’m sure there is someone somewhere has a video of Iggy Azalea going to town on some dude’s didgeridoo, but does anyone really care that much? I feel like this is just Anonymous being jealous that the Sony hackers are getting so much attention. “Hey! Over here! We have stuff to leak too! Pay attention to us!“
After all of the major movie theater chains dropped The Interview like they were Britney circa 2006 and The Interview was SPF, Sony has decided that there’s no reason to release that bad decision to the 3 theaters in the country who will show it. They have scrapped all plans to release that mess on Christmas Day and learned the hard way that James Franco ruins EVERYTHING! Annie, however, is still opening on Friday as scheduled.
Here’s Sony’s full statement via Deadline:
In light of the decision by the majority of our exhibitors not to show the film The Interview, we have decided not to move forward with the planned December 25 theatrical release. We respect and understand our partners’ decision and, of course, completely share their paramount interest in the safety of employees and theater-goers.
Sony Pictures has been the victim of an unprecedented criminal assault against our employees, our customers, and our business. Those who attacked us stole our intellectual property, private emails, and sensitive and proprietary material, and sought to destroy our spirit and our morale — all apparently to thwart the release of a movie they did not like. We are deeply saddened at this brazen effort to suppress the distribution of a movie, and in the process do damage to our company, our employees, and the American public. We stand by our filmmakers and their right to free expression and are extremely disappointed by this outcome.
Meanwhile, in the basement of her mansion, “computer novice” St. Angie Jolie picked up the phone, dialed Universal and said, “Mission accomplished. The #1 spot at the box office is ours to lose now! Blelehehehehe!” Hackers was a documentary.
No, CNN reports that “law enforcement sources” tell them that the hackers are working for North Korea and the order came from the top. I swear, that Kim Jong-un trick is such an overdramatic spoiled baby bitch. He is King Joffrey on steroids. I can’t believe his ass lips would get twisted over some stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. If that made him have a hissy fit and threaten to nuke us, then I hope he never sees Team America. Can’t Dennis Rodman just whisper, “Baby, don’t be mad, call off your dogs for your honey,” into Kim Jong-un’s ear as they spoon?
Anyone who has ever turned 25 (or 15 or 30 or 96) knows that there’s going to be at least one melodramatic trick who gets all kinds of messy and turns your party into an episode of Intervention. Crying. Screaming. Hissing “YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME!!!” to no one in particular before storming out, then returning 4 minutes later with a bottle of wine asking “Who wants some wine? It’s wine time! Weeeew!” and acting like nothing happened. Well, according to UsWeekly, that person at Taylor Swift’s super sweet 25th birthday party last weekend was none other than toddler-faced chipmunk Selena Gomez.
An insider (either Meredith or the SVU cat) says that everyone was having a great time at Tay Tay’s party, until Selena started getting emotional and turning into THAT girl. Selena reportedly started crying and was heard shouting: “No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me!” According to the insider, the only response she got was from singer Sam Smith, who “just stared” at her. Probably because it’s all he could do to keep from grabbing her by the shoulders and screaming “GOOD GOD TODDLER, GET A GRIP!”
I know that Selena is next-level dickmatized when it comes to that bottle blonde brat Justin Bieber, but this is getting ridiculous. Crying over that pint-sized douche in the privacy of your own home is one thing, but doing it in the middle of a birthday party full of famous people? And how especially rude of Selena to yank the attention away from the star of the party. No, I’m not talking about Tay Tay – I’m talking about her majesty Beyonce. “If Beyonce had known Beyonce was going to get upstaged by a sad chipmunk, Beyonce would have stayed home.”
The time has finally come for another fame whore app to knock Kim Kartrashian’s Turducken ass of the list of Top 10 Grossing iPhone apps and Lindsay Lohan’s busted fame whore app is just the app to do it. Because escort gigs and selling hot goods on eBay doesn’t pay the bills the way it used to, LiLo has put out a new app game called “The Price of Fame.” What a wonderful business idea since LiLo’s other app ventures have gone so smoothly!
“The Price of Fame” looks like it cost the price of an empty 8-ball baggie. It’s low-budget, messy, doesn’t make sense and looks like its glory days were in the early 2000s. Just like LiLo herself. “The Price of Fame” is a stolen Family Dollar Febreze can version of Kummy Kakes’ stupid app game. Behold, the trailer:
If their target demographic is first graders who are addicted to coke and Adderall, they nailed it. Was the LiLo in the game modeled after LiLo in Freaky Friday, because she looks like a child in mom clothes.
TechCrunch says the graphics are supposed to look like that. Andy Ross, guitarist for OK Go, programmed the game and brought LiLo onboard, because he felt she “had the right energy” for it. In other words, he knows that she’ll put her name on anything. LiLo dribbled out this statement that totally wasn’t written by her publicist:
“I love this game and am happy to be part of it. It’s so much fun! I’m thrilled to have worked with Space Inch on this. Programmer Andy Ross, guitarist of OK Go, did a great job. He understood what I wanted and the game captures a great part of culture and our current media society. This app is humerous, smart, and engaging.”
I would download that game, but that trailer didn’t sell me. Where’s the challenge where you have to hit a trick in the head with a bottle for looking at you funny? Where’s the challenge where you have to smuggle a necklace out of a jewelry store in your snatch without security finding out? Where’s the challenge where you have to hit as many strollers as possible with your Porsche while your coked-up mom sits in the passenger seat and tries not to barf on you? Hopefully all of that will be in the first update.
And here’s the app mogul looking as fresh as a saliva bubble on a baby swan’s tongue while leaving London’s Chiltern Firehouse in a coat made of her old weaves.
Sad news for douchebags and assholes everywhere, as it appears the fairytale romance between their king, Chris Brown, and his professional pretty girlfriend Karrueche Tran has come to an end. Wow, such sad, much could give a shit. Actually, that’s not true – I can give a shit, because it’s getting super messy, and any kind of messy relationship drama makes my heart grown three sizes too big, like The Grinch. Especially messy relationship drama where the side piece turns out to be the soft-spoken Canadian snuggle prince Drake!
TMZ says that it all started on Friday night when Chris announced he was single during Power 106′s annual Christmas concert. Chris asked how many single ladies there were in the audience before saying “Well, I’m single too! Fuck that bitch” (cut to all the single ladies running for the nearest exit). He then followed that up by posting a picture of himself cozied up to Satan’s Skanks (aka Khloe Kardashian, Kendull Jenner, and the other one) to Instagram.
But because screaming “Fuck that bitch” to a crowd of people at a concert isn’t nearly Chris Brown-y enough, the perpetually infected hangnail decided to accuse Karrueche of cheating on him while he was in jail with Drake and hissing at her for having threesomes. Oh boy, this just got Maury levels of messy.
Scott Stapp Was Recently Placed On A 72-Hour Psych Hold And Apparently Sees Visions Of People On Fire
It was reported yesterday that former lead growler of Creed Scott Stapp was dead broke, fucked up on crystal meth, and living in a
van down by the river Holiday Inn somewhere in Atlanta, but it turns out things are a lot worse for Scotty than we thought.
TMZ says Scott’s life started turning into a soggy pile of turkey stuffing on November 10th, when he left a message for the dean of his children’s school informing them that be believed ISIS had targeted the school for an attack. Then on November 13th, Florida police found Scott Stapp wandering around on the side of the road incoherently rambling about someone trying to poison him and placed him on a 72-hour psych hold. Then to make matters messier, Scott’s estranged wife Jaclyn filed legal documents during his time in lock-up claiming that Scott has a bunch of guns and has threatened to kill himself and his AA sponsor.
Jaclyn also says that Scott hears voices, is super paranoid, and has seen visions of people on fire, all of which is the result of binging on weed, steroids, coke, crystal meth, PCP, Special K (the drug, not the cereal), and various prescription drugs. “Oh, so I guess I’m not good enough for your fancy fucked-up Florida drug party?” hissed bath salts.
Damn, if this isn’t the definition of a Jesus Take The Meth Pipe situation, then I don’t know what is. This is almost TOO crazy. I bet even Jesus is probably making excuses for why he can’t fly down to Atlanta (where Scott is currently hiding from ISIS and the fire people) and clean up this mess. “I…uh…have this thing at 3:00pm that I can’t move. Maybe St. Peter can take it?“
If you’re anywhere over the age of 19, this story about melodramatic teenagers hissing at each other on the internet will no doubt make you want to ball up your fists and shout GET OFF MY LAWN, so just giving you a heads up that you might want to prepare a soothing hot water with lemon to calm yourself when it happens.
So some time last year, Abigail Breslin, who you may know as the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine or the little girl from that insane episode of Law & Order: SVU where Lea Thompson tries to kidnap her biological daughter, dated one of the Hot Topic teens from the band 5 Seconds of Summer, Michael Clifford. And then they broke up, because – I don’t know, maybe one of them caught the other one stealing their eyeliner. Cut to four days ago, when Abigail decided to release a Taylor Swift-sounding breakup song called “You Suck“, in which she calls out her ex-boyfriend for not washing his hair, having a “dumb tattoo”, and maybe cheating on her. Whoah – a “dumb tattoo”? SHOTS FIRED.
Abigail also sings that he’ll probably say that she wrote the song because she’s “so obsessed” with him, but Michael just sort of laughed the whole thing off (literally). Unfortunately, Abigail forgot that the person who “sucks” also happens to have an obsessed teen fan army, and they all started dragging Abigail on Twitter:
Leave it t professional polyester life mess Dina Lohan to find a way to make Michael Lohan’s wedding seem even trashier. Oh, White Oprah – how I’ve missed you, you gorgeous wine-scented butter-colored cocker spaniel. On Tuesday, TMZ broke the news that human ball rash Michael Lohan had married former Jon Gosselin humper and current knocked-up drunk muppet Kate Major on a beach in Florida last month. But White Oprah isn’t so sure about the whole thing.
TMZ caught up with The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan Future at LAX yesterday and asked if she knew about her ex-husband getting married (since his own kids sure as hell didn’t), and Dina answers that Michael texted her and told her he didn’t actually get married, adding the 4 words that most accurately define White Oprah: “I’m kind of confused.” That’s when TMZ tells Dina that there are pictures of Michael and Kate’s wedding, to which Dina calls bullshit, saying: “I don’t know, he said he didn’t, but then again…“. And because she’s nicknamed White Oprah for a reason, she ends the conversation by telling TMZ to “Follow the light“. I think she means the light to the fridge. Follow the light, and you’ll always find a chilled box of white wine!
Oh boy, who to believe? The messy lie-telling parent who says they got married or the messy lie-telling parent who says they didn’t? I mean, there’s a 98% chance that White Oprah was three sheets to the wind when they spoke to her in the airport, and she’s probably recalling a text conversation from 4 years ago, but there’s an even greater chance that Lindsay’s attention whore of a father faked the whole thing to get attention. The only way to get the truth is to interrogate Kate Major’s trash rat acrylic nails. Exquisite amateur porn star blowjob nail tips never lie!
Peter Pan is so NOW in Hollywood. They’re giving us that soon-to-be shipwreck TV Peter Pan musical starring Brian Williams’ daughter and next year they’re giving us that “international, multi-cultural” (the director’s words, not mine) Pan movie directed by Joe Wright. The trailer was released today and it’s so international and so multi-cultural that watching it will make you feel like you’re speeding through the It’s A Small World ride.
Pan is the untold story (when you’re told the story is untold, it’s probably been told before) of Peter Pan’s origins and it stars Hugh Jackmeoff as Blackbeard, Garrett GimmeHedlund as a young, sexy, pre-evil Captain Hook, Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily, Cara Delawhatever as a mermaid and Levi Miller as Peter Pan. The beginning of the trailer looks like every other fantasy movie out today and shit gets messy when Tiger Lily and her tribe of Coachella lizards pop up on the screen. If Joe Wright’s vision of Tiger Lily is a festival-hopping mess who loves molly and wears outfits from the House of You So Different, he should have just cast Coachella queen Vanessa Hudgens. She’s already got the costumes and she can do that “stoned Zoolander deer caught in the headlights” look better than Rooney can.
While watching the trailer, just focus on Garrett Hedlund’s swoon worthy tendrils and you should be okay:
Even Hugh Jackman looks a mess. I don’t like it when he wears clothes even when the clothes make him look like a medieval Liberace mixed with Gary Oldman’s Dracula. But I’m glad that one of John Travolta’s wigs got extra work on Hugh’s head.
I watched all 3 hours of last night’s American Music Awards and it took a lot of the sweet nectar to get through it. I’m surprised I’m not typing this from a hospital bed as a nurse stands next to me, wringing the booze out of my liver before shoving it back up my asshole. Watching it felt like being stuck in a suburban 10-year-old’s iTunes playlist. It was one shit song after another and at one point I weeped for our nation’s children, because when I was a kid our ears were filled with the artistic melodies put out by real artists like Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice.
Taylor Swift opened the crap song buffet with a performance of that “Blank Space” song and she probably gave the best performance of the night. I’m only saying that because it was a wreck from start to finish. Tay Tay recreated her video by playing a crazy-eyed, boyfriend-ruining psycho (read: herself, basically). It works in the video, but it was a mess live. Bitch ran around like an ostrich with mad squirrel disease. It’s like the deranged spirit of Norma Desmond possessed the body of a vintage Barbie.
Tay Tay’s performance looks like it was done on the set of a non-union touring production of Scooby Doo Live. I kept waiting for Shaggy and the gang to come out, pull off Taylor Swift’s mask and reveal that she’s actually Old Farmer Jenkins and it was him killing all those young, hot white men. Tay Tay’s acting wasn’t the only messy part of that performance. At first I thought she was mouthing to a track, but it became apparent that she wasn’t totally lip-synching when an off-key note shot out of her mouth and drop kicked my eardrum.
For the rest of the show, Taylor did what Taylor does: she held court with the “popular girls” (Selena Gomez and Selena’s one-time arch rival Lorde) and busted her out inflatable wind dancer moves in the front row. During Selena Gomez’s ~emotionally raw~ performance in front of a screensaver, Tay Tay did this:
Those duo of side-eyes…. They say everything.
Lorde (aka Emily the Strange with a spiral perm) is thinking to herself, “Cry, bitch, cry more! Your pain feeds my Hot Topic soul” and Taylor is either crying from the raw emotion or she’s crying from the second-hand embarrassment she feels while watching Selena squirt out tears over Justin Fucking Bieber.
And at the end of the show, I made the same face Taylor’s making when I realized that I wasted 3 hours of my night and could’ve watched The Comeback instead.