Jussie Smollett Apologizes To Crew Of “Empire” But He’s Still Being Written Out Of The Rest Of The Season
Jussie Smollett is beginning his fast descent towards rock bottom after the hate crime he allegedly staged against himself has begun to unravel. In less than a month, Jussie went from heartfelt victim to ridiculously stupid criminal. He was charged with a felony for all the shenanigans and now his legal dramas are hitting him hard at work as Jussie is getting axed from the rest of this season of Empire.
Last week, we all threw several black lace mourning veils over our faces to mourn the death of every member of The Supremes, Gladys Knight, Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson, and literally every singer not named Jennifer Lopez, because that was the only explanation for why the Grammy people chose JLo to headline their tribute to Motown. I thought that maybe after the Grammys were hit with a million and one side-eyes for that decision, they’d make the right decision by replacing her with a hastily-made Marvin Gaye hologram or even Rancho Cucamonga’s third most popular The Temptations tribute group performing to a track blasting out of an iPhone 5. Even Diana Ross’ grandson and fucking Jaden Smith did a better tribute to Motown and it wasn’t even a tribute to Motown.
But the Grammys went through with it and JLo delivered the kind of Motown “tribute” you’d see at 2:30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday at a 2-star casino motel outside of Laughlin, NV. They should’ve went all the way with that vibe by putting a stale potato bar on the stage, along with a chain-smoking gambling addict who’d yell at JLo, doing double duty as his cocktail waitress, to get his G&T already.
When I heard that Brennin Hunt, the dude who played Roger Davis in Fox’s live TV production of Jonathan Larson’s Rent, broke his ankle during a rehearsal the night before the live show was supposed to go down, I figured that his understudy pulled a Nomi Malone by pushing him down the stairs so that they could take the role and become an overnight STAH! But that didn’t happen, because Brennin Hunt didn’t have an understudy. None of the leads did. Fox decided to test fate by not getting the lead roles covered, and fate spit back by saying, “Wrong move, trick.”
So because a little thing called “a broken foot” kept Brennin from jumping on tables and running around, Fox decided to mostly scrap the live show. The bad news is that they aired a dress rehearsal from Saturday night. The good news for the actors who didn’t really give it their all during the dress rehearsal is that nobody really watched it. Rent: Not So Live flopped in the ratings with 3.42 million viewers. I mean, it got beat by America’s Funniest Home Videos.
I read this story about eight times yesterday at eight different sites, and unpacking it was like trying to unpack a messy suitcase while operating on 20 minutes of sleep at 3 in the morning after an 8-hour long flight where a baby screamed the entire way and the Ambien I took refused to work. I just wanted to close up my suitcase and eat a microwaved Marie Callender’s chicken pot pie while watching 90 Day Fiancé reruns. But here we are. This story involves an underage porn, blackmail, and the murder of an openly gay trap star. If you just can’t with any of this, and would rather watch the totally fake chancelta-throwing video that keeps landing in my inbox, here you go.
Here, pictured in happier times, are Nas and Kelis. The two were married for 5 years before filing for divorce in 2009. It’s been a minute since I checked in on what Kelis has been up to since she came out with allegations that Nas was physically and mentally abusive during their relationship. When that came out, Nas was heated, denied the allegations and posted an exhaustive 7-part series of Instagram posts defending his honor, reading Kelis for filth, and going into way too much detail about their grueling custody battle over their 9-year-old son Knight (last names are so last year). That was last September. According to The Blast, things have heated up again as Kelis embarks on a new journey in her life as a milkshake farmer in Colombia. And she’s bringing Knight along for the ride, despite Nas’ objections.
Important Question: Would You Suck Dick So That Bottles Of Evian Could Be Delivered To Your Shady Boss’ Musical Festival?
Move over, Fiji Water Girl. Here cums Evian Dick Sucker!
As Mieka and C.J. have written about on this blog, Netflix and Hulu put out dueling documentaries on the flaming pile of millennial shit known as the Fyre Festival. Both docs show how imprisoned scammer Billy McFarland got way over his douche head and conned Bahamian locals, influencers, investors, and millennials with a musical festival that was supposed to be island luxury wrapped in hipster decadence, but turned out to be as luxurious as a dried-up cheese sandwich. Both docs are also getting shit on themselves, because Hulu paid Billy for his interview, and the Netflix one is produced by Jerry Media who helped promote Fyre Festival. With that being said, I’m sure that Netflix smugly declared that they won the Fyre Festival doc game when they saw footage of event producer Andy King admitting that he nearly sucked customs official dick for bottles of Evian. As someone who has been on a dick sucking date and only got tap water in a Denny’s mug, I’m looking at Andy like, “Oh you fancy huh?”