Category: MESS

Jay Z Wants You To Know That Tidal Is Great And It’s Totally Not A Huge Disaster

April 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Even his best buddy Kanye West is like “Sure, Jan Z.” To fight off the rumors that his new music-streaming service Tidal is a giant steaming pile of FAIL, Jay Z went on Twitter to explain in a long-ass rant that everything is fine and Tidal is great and don’t pay any attention to whatever you’ve heard, because it’s all lies. Jay Z created the hashtag #TidalFacts, but he really should have called it #TidalDothProtestTooMuch, because 15 tweets about how your company isn’t a huge mess is a lot of tweets.

Since your index finger will no doubt cramp up after scrolling thought that many tweets, and a finger injury could have a negative effect on your sex life/canned frosting-eating life, I’ve compiled them all into one single thought.

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What Did An Avenger Say That Pissed People Off Today?

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above happily releasing a fart into the face of a 2-starred candy striper who knows what’s coming and doesn’t like (Side note: I know, I showed my nerd ignorance by not knowing who she’s dressed as. Or maybe I’m right and 2-Starred Candy Striper Girl is an actual superhero.), Robert Downey  Jr. is the latest Avenger to spit out some outrage fuel into the gas tank of the Internet.

On the same day that RDJ hit the nope switch and quit an interview after he was asked questions about politics and his drug days, The Guardian asked him for his thoughts on what Birdman director Alejandro González Iñárritu said about big-budget superhero movies full of explosions and more explosions. Alejandro said that big-budget superhero movieshave been poison, this cultural genocide, because the audience is so overexposed to plot and explosions and shit that doesn’t mean nothing about the experience of being human.” RDJ didn’t side-eye Alejandro for using the phrase “cultural genocide” to describe stupid superhero movies, but he did condescendingly slow clap over Alejandro, whose first language is Spanish, being able come up with such big English words on his own.

“Look, I respect the heck out of him, and I think for a man whose native tongue is Spanish to be able to put together a phrase like ‘cultural genocide’ just speaks to how bright he is.”

If you need to see those words come out of RDJ’s smug slit, skip to the 0:27 mark below:

This may blow RDJ’s mind, but English is my first language (“Could’ve fooled me, you illiterate bitch!” – you) and I can say “cultural genocide” in Spanish, French and Italian since it’s not that goddamn different.

Or maybe RDJ is side-eying Alejandro, who is Mexican, for casually using the phrase “cultural genocide” when Spanish explorers committed actual genocide hundreds of years ago. I don’t know! But I do know that these Avenger bitches are going all out during this press tour. Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans pissed people off by jokingly calling Black Widow a slut and a whore. During a taping of Graham Norton (which airs this weekend), Elizabeth Olsen apparently compared her character to a “gypsyand when Graham told her that word is a slur, Mark Ruffalo started chanting “gypsy” over and over again to get it out of his system. And now this. It’s as if right before the press tour started, the head of publicity said to their staff, “This movie is going to shit money into our mouths no matter what we do, so let’s just let those messes go out on their own and say whatever they want. Let’s commit liver genocide by boozing it up in the Caribbean, you slut whores!

Here’s RDJ, Chris Evans, Jeremy Renner and Mark Ruffalo on Good Morning America today.

Pics: Splash

A Pennsylvania Judge Has Ruled That Sherri Shepherd Is The Mother Of Lamar Sally’s Surrogate Baby

April 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Shortly after it was announced that Sherri Shepherd was calling it quits with her questionably-employed husband of three years Lamar Sally, he ran to the press to tell them that she was also trying to wash her hands of an unborn surrogate baby. Sherri’s story was that the baby – which was made when Sherri and Lamar were still together – was only made so that sneaky gold-digging trick Lamar could get his hands on a stack of child support cash every month, and she was doing everything possible to scoot away from that mess.

Unfortunately for Sherri, it looks like Lamar’s maybe-shady plan worked, because TMZ says a Pennsylvania judge ruled earlier today that she is legally the mother of their surrogate baby, Lamar Sally Jr., who was born in Pennsylvania last August. Naturally, Lamar Sr. is thrilled with the judge’s decision, and thinks Sherri now owes him a public apology:

“I want her to go on television and apologize the same way that she went on there and accused me of being a gold digger and tricking her into having a baby.”

Go on television? He knows she’s not on TV anymore, right? Speaking of gold digging, Lamar is still going to have to wait a bit to see how much cash he’ll get from his ex-wife for his flawless money-making plan…I mean, baby. TMZ says all the child support stuff will be worked out in a court in Los Angeles at a later date.

The only thing that could have made this situation any better would be if the paternity results had been read out on Maury so we could see Lamar’s “You ARE the mother!” end-zone dance. No, really – it’s literally the only thing that could have made it better, because everything about this situation is the absolute worst.

What In Kiss Of The Spider Woman Goes To Frederick’s HELL Is This Child Wearing?

April 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Residents of Indio, CA and surrounding cities were warned to keep all of their small pets indoors and that could only mean one thing: Khlozilla is in town!

Khlozilla is at Coochella this weekend to whore out some app (surprisingly, it isn’t an app which tells Sasquatches where the best warthog-hunting grounds around them are) and she threw a party for it yesterday. Her 17-year-old little sister Kylie Jenner showed up wearing I don’t even know what and brought along PedoBear’s latest trainee Tyga. The only thing missing from that picture is Chris Hansen popping up in that doorway to tell all three of these messes to have a seat. The return of To Catch A Predator can’t come soon enough. The only people who can pull off that lingerie catsuit thing that Kylie is wearing are RiRi, Vanity circa 1986 and an extra from Angel.

Kylie once said that she feels like Khlozilla is more of a mother to her than her actual mother Pimp Mama Kris, because she’s more strict.

“She has always been the strictest on me – taking away my cell phone, having my passwords to everything. It made me love and respect her so much because it just showed that she cared. [She's a] huge mother figure in my life”

Yup, letting her date a grown ass man and walking around like that is the epitome of STRICT! But Kylie isn’t giving PMK enough credit. PMK is strict in her own way. I mean, if PMK was at that party yesterday instead of sucking the life out of her latest victim somewhere, she’d definitely have something to say about Kylie’s outfit:

PMK – Kylie, I am really disappointed with what you’re wearing. Did you not see the outfit I laid out for you on your bed? You should wear that instead.

Kylie – But Kris, there was nothing on my bed except for a pair of heels and a choker.

PMK – Exactly, honey!

And the other Jenner wearing a Megadeath t-shirt is way, way more offensive than Kylie’s outfit.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Kate Major Got Into A Messy Drunken Scratchfest With Michael Lohan Last Night

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Alternate title: Just another Thursday night at the Lohan-Major house. Seen above in her most recent post-fight selfie, Kate Major and her husband of 5 months Michael Lohan are at it again, and by it, I of course mean being next-level life messes. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you wipe the look of fake shock off your face.

TMZ says that on Thursday night, Kate Major proved that she’s coming for Lindsay Lohan’s crown as Messiest Lohan (“Here, you can have it – I tried to pawn it last week, but they told me vodka labels wrapped around American Spirit boxes was worthless” said Lindsay over Skype from an internet cafe in London) by getting drunk and pulling some Street Fighter moves on Michael. Michael claims Kate came home drunk last night and they started fighting, which turned into brawling, which turned into Kate whipping out her legendary acrylic porn star blow job nail tips and scratching him up like a cat on a new couch.

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Federal Court Denied Kelly Rutherford’s Request To Bring Her Kids Back To The US

April 15, 2015 / Posted by:

You’re probably thinking, who needs kids when you have a hoity-toity, snobby ass, fluffy white purse dog whose name is probably Countess Chanel de la Fancy? Well, Kelly Rutherford needs and wants her kids back in the US with her, but it looks like that’s not going to happen anytime soon.

If you haven’t been keeping up with the tragically messy custody battle between Kelly Rutherford (aka Megan the hooker with the heart of gold from Melrose Place) and her ex-husband Daniel Giersch, let me sum it up for you with one simple GIF:

trainwreckkellyrutherfordcase

 

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Surprise! Bobby Flay’s Divorce Is Starting To Get Weird

April 10, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, that was fast. One day after it was announced that smug-faced leprechaun chef Bobby Flay and SVU OG Stephanie March were quitting each other after 10 years of marriage, TMZ says Bobby Flay decided to haul ass to the courthouse and file for divorce, and it might have something to do with their prenup. Apparently Stephanie March isn’t happy with the prenup she signed back in 2005 when they got married, and they’ve already started fighting over property. TMZ says Bobby Flay was already pretty rich when they first got together, and the prenup reflects that. So their divorce might come down to Stephanie trying to get money while Bobby tries to keep money. They don’t have any kids together, so there will be no messy custody fight.

To make matters messier, the NYDN says that one of the reasons Bobby and Stephanie marriage dried up worse than a flank steak left in the oven too long was the frozen cauliflower version of Angelina Jolie, January Jones. An insider (a shifty-eyed Giada trying to divert attention away from herself) says that things haven’t been great ever since Stephanie found a frozen spermcicle on the tip of Bobby’s freckled dick and accused him of sticking it in January’s ice queen cooch. The insider claims he denied that anything shady ever happened with January Jones.

If Beat Bobby Flay has taught me anything, it’s that Bobby Flay can be a real asshole when he wants to win something. So if Stephanie March wants to get her hands on any of that sweet Food Network cash, she knows who to call: her replacement, Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak! Casey gets shit done.

Madonna Is A Stand-Up Comedy Genius

April 10, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’ve been wondering just how far Madge will go to push copies of her new album, here’s your answer. Bitch is going all the way. I’m sure she’ll be selling it on QVC at 2am sometime this weekend and tomorrow afternoon you can find her in the food court at the Del Amo mall hawking it to people to “raise money for cheerleading uniforms.” She is going all out.

Madge took over The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night where she talked about stuff, did a classroom instrument version of “Holidayand went full WTF by doing stand-up comedy. She should’ve just said, “Hello, I am Madonna and I am going to do some stand-up comedy for you,” and as soon as everyone finished picking up the chunks of lungs they laughed up, she should’ve said, “The end. That was my set!” But she decided to tell some jokes instead. While looking like a character in an SNL skit about a Run-D.M.C.-themed burlesque club, Madge joked about fucking young dudes and owning fancy art. If you squint hard enough you can almost see the Sandman from the Apollo getting ready to hank her off with a hook.

Maybe it’s because I stared directly into her eyes and she hypnotized me into worshiping her dark powers, but I kind of loved that. At least she made fun of herself. It was weird, awkward, nonsensical and she should definitely never do that again. (Side note: Strangely enough, if there was a Yelp page devoted to reviewing my fuck skills, that’s what 50% of the reviews would look like. The other 50% would say, “If I could give this negative 100 stars, I WOULD!“)

And Madge kept the comedy coming by doing her best Miley Cyrus impersonation while performing “Bitch I’m Miley”Bitch I’m Madonna.

Nicole Kidman Is Coming For That Emmy: Grace Of Monaco Goes Straight To Lifetime

April 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Nicole Kidman is truly having the greatest week. First, she temporarily replaced Heather Cho as a flight attendant’s worst enemy and now she is joining the joining the likes of Tori Spelling, Melissa Gilbert, Meredith Baxter-Birney, Lindsay Lohan, Kellie Martin and Valerie Bertinelli as a Lifetime Movie Queen!

I really thought that Grace of Monaco starring the reanimated vintage Barbie doll as Grace Kelly already came out. I thought it debuted in the $2 theaters before being sent to Netflix three days later, but nope. It opened the Cannes Film Festival last year and it was supposed to come out a few months later in the US, but Harvey Weinstein, whose company helped produce it, pulled it from the schedule and the movie’s director shit on him in the media for fucking with the editing process. It later came out in Europe and Australia. Harvey said at Sundance this year that changes to the original script made by the director are the main reasons why he didn’t want to release it into US theaters. In other words, it’s a Botoxed turkey.

Well, it’s finally getting released, but it’s skipping the theaters, Red Box, Netflix, iTunes, HBO, Starz Cinema and even the 2 for 1 bin at a strip mall DVD store’s going out of business sale. It’s saying “fuck it” and going straight to basic cable. Deadline says that Grace of Monaco will have its grand US premiere on Lifetime, television for messes, on May 25th at 8pm. There are several cuts making the rounds on the Internet, so who knows which cut makes it to Lifetime.

Nicole Kidman’s nose just rose higher than usual, because she’s now standing at the peak of Hollywood and staring down at the lessers like Cate Blanchett and Jessica Chastain. Nicole has joined the elite. She should retire now, because it doesn’t get better than a Lifetime movie. And really, once Grace of Monaco sweeps the Emmys, someone should make a movie about the making of this movie, because it sounds like that’s where the real cunt drama is. The movie’s screenwriter tweeted this beautiful shade today:

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Where Is A Strict Catholic Abuelita With A Chancleta When You Really Need One?

April 6, 2015 / Posted by:

People attending Easter Sunday service at West Hills Church in the San Fernando Valley were forced to watch the Fame Whorey of Easter pageant when the Dark Mistress of the Ninth Circle Pimp Mama Kris and her pack of moneymakers strolled on through while looking like the blind members of a cult who were dressed by hos who hate them.

When PMK let the paparazzi know the exact time that they’d be doing the ho stroll to church, the paps should’ve made sure that they had a mob of strict Catholic abuelitas waiting for them. Because those abuelitas would’ve had the time of their lives slapping down those Godless heathens with chanclas for bringing exposed belly button, teenage kamel toe and pure trashiness to church! Kanye West may have thought that his holey t-shirt is appropriate for that holy occasion, but Jesus does not like puns.

While Bruce Jenner, Rob Kartrashian and Scott Disick were at home breathing out several sighs of relief over not being a part of this ridiculous unholy Easter stunt, PMK, her boy toy, the KKKs, the Jenner girls, Tyga, Kanye West and a bunch of kids did a little staged photo-op in the parking lot of West Hills Church (not to be confused with that fake church PMK supposedly uses to dodge taxes). The truth is, I don’t know why anyone is clutching their rosaries over their outfits. First of all, it’s the Kartrashians. Do you expect anything less? Second of all, it’s just church! It’s not a sacred place like In-N-Out where you should always show up in your finest outfit. Third of all, I doubt they even stayed for the service.

After they did their photo-op, they got to the front door of the church and PMK jumped into the arms of her fabulous pucker-inducing boy toy. PMK will burst into flames if her hooves touch the floor of a holy place, so her boy toy carried her through the church to the backdoor. Once they left the church through the backdoor, they walked to a dumpster where a hidden elevator took them down to the basement. While in the basement, PMK did her annual virgin sacrifice to her maker Lucifer as everybody else took selfies. After the sacrifice, they took the elevator back up and left the church through the front door as though they attended Easter Sunday service.

And North West’s look of shame says everything that needs to be said.

Pics: Wenn.com

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