Category: MESS

Donnie Wahlberg Comes Out As A Masochist By Getting Engaged To Jenny McCarthy

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

And just like that, thousands of psychiatrists who have never treated Donnie Wahlberg just diagnosed him with psychotic depression and severe masochism. Their evidence? He asked the silicone-brained stick of dull wax that is Jenny McCarthy to marry him.

Today on The View, a relic from the 90s that won’t go away announced to the cackling hyenas around her that she’s getting married to a relic from the 90s who can still fill the panties of 30-somethings with crotch pudding. Back peddaler Jenny McCarthy showed off the yellow sapphire and diamond ring that I hope Donnie Wahlberg bought at Claire’s, because New Kids on the Block’s only got so many reunions tours in them and he shouldn’t waste his cash on some shit that’ll be pawned off in a couple of years (I’m being generous) after the divorce. Jenny told the hysterical hens that after dating for about a year, Donnie proposed last weekend with help from her son Evan. Here’s the clip of Jenny announcing she’s getting pre-divorced and as that blonde enema full of crazy did an obnoxious “YAY” dance, the Wahlbergs all cried themselves into a giant puddle of woe. They already have one crazy in their family (see: Marky Mark) and now they’ve got two.

Somewhere, Donnie is having ear plugs surgically installed in his ear holes, because he knows that it’s the only way he’ll be able to fully deal with a crazy bitch who thought he liked dick, because he didn’t try to wet hump her two seconds after meeting her.

And Donnie has hung out with Jenny and her fellow anti-vaxxers for a year and hasn’t caught the measles yet, which tells me he’s been vaccinated, which brings a smile out of my face, because Jenny has obviously swallowed some vaccine-infused jizz.

Jane Child Did It Better, But Doesn’t She Always?

April 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Kendall Jenner’s LOOK AT ME gene is strong and her fame whore mentor Kim Kardashian taught her that if she makes herself look like a huge asshole everyone will blog about it (I know, I always hate myself for falling for those pack of whores’ tricks) and she’ll become a trending topic on Twitter, so she wore a jumbo nose ring and earring chain to some Coochella Lacoste party yesterday. A reality trick who probably doesn’t know 99% of the bands there paired with a Lacoste coconut and a touch of cultural appropriation is the equation that equals Coachella.

Pimp Mama Kris’ future prized ho is doing the most and is trying to hard to snatch away Vanessa Hudgens’ Try Hard Queen of Coachella floral and bindi-encrusted crown. So she put on a nose ring chain that’s got me singing (to the tune of Diana Ross’ “Reach Out and Touch”), “Reach out and yank some trick’s nose ring, make this world a better place…” KenDULL is 18 and when I was 18, I looked like a dumb mess (and yes, I typed that as a grown up while wearing a He-Man t-shirt and bleach-stained cut-off sweat shorts), but even I knew not to try to replicate Jane Child’s signature look. If the children of America learn one thing it should be to not try this:

janechildbetter

Here’s more of KenDULL and that other one at Coachella on Saturday and Sunday. Those “American Horror Story: Coven collection by Anthropologie” outfits….. Stevie Nicks saw those pictures and immediately torched her entire closet. She’s only going to wear khakis and cotton t-shirts from now on. KenDULL ruined black lace for her.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com, Splash

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What In The Name Of Blanche Deverea-ho Is Going On Here?

April 14, 2014 / Posted by:

I know – Blanche Devereaux would NEVER; I mean, that old slut would probably try, but Sophia would remind her that a true lady never flashes her satin-wrapped snapper without first being treated to the early bird special at Red Lobster. And since I see no Cheddar Bay Biscuit crumbs on her chichis, there’s clearly no Sophia in Rihanna’s life to tell her to put on some damn pants (Drake is really more of a Rose Nylund). But I should give RiRi some credit, because she was the only person with enough foresight to know that the MTV Movie Awards were going to be a sleepy snoozefest last night and came dressed ready to pop a couple Ambien and call it a night. “Fuck it, it’s not worth putting on pants.” – RiRi to her stylist.

Here’s more of the Barbadian Grace Kelly at the MTV Movie Awards, as well as a bunch of other tricks who’s event-appropriate clothing couldn’t hold a candle to the class and alagance of RiRi’s granny panties. But some came close, like Pia Mia dressed as a rich white girl’s idea of a chola, Rachel Antonoff as Peaches n’ Cream Col. Sanders, and a drunk-looking Leslie Mann (always the look):

Pics: Splash

Katy Perry Dyed Her Hair Mocos Green

April 7, 2014 / Posted by:

I would think that Katy Perry wouldn’t want to dye her hair mold green since it would remind her of the slimy swamp smegma that drips out of John Mayer’s dick, but she said she was going to go slimer green, so she kept her promise. Katy threw this picture up on Instagram of her looking like Oscar the Grouch’s Emo daughter. I hate that booger green color and mostly because it brings back the painful and traumatic memories of when I shit green for two days and thought I was dying or had fungus growing in my asshole. Yes, I probably have fungus growing in my asshole, but the green shit was from a black cherry slushie from Burger King. So thanks for that, Katy.

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The Human Barbie Is A Child-Hating Racist

April 7, 2014 / Posted by:

If you knew about this plasticized anime alien mess and forget about her, I apologize for bringing her back into your nightmares tonight. If you have no idea who this plasticized anime alien mess is, I apologize for introducing her to your nightmares tonight. Valeria Lukyanova is the Ukrainian creature who looks like a hybrid of a Barbie and a jointed snake toy, and got a lot of attention for being one of the only living things that can make Kim Kardashian look human by comparison. Valeria does herself up like a CGI porn alien and believes she can travel out of her body. Michael Idov of GQ went to the Ukraine to interview her ass and he shockingly learned that a trick who looks she escaped from Area 51 and has gone days where she only eats air (“Me too!” – Posh “Me three!” – Goop) is a total crazy bitch. Who knew?!

Valeria spit out some shit that’s not that crazy (example: she hates kids), but then she said that bi-racial people are killing the true definition of real beauty. Jade the bi-racial butterfly just spread her wings and flew on over to the Ukraine to shit on her.

On why she’s against race-mixing: “For example, a Russian marries an Armenian. They have a kid, a cute girl, but she has her dad’s nose. She goes and files it down a little, and it’s all good. Ethnicities are mixing now, so there’s degeneration, and it didn’t used to be like that. Remember how many beautiful women there were in the 1950s and 1960s, without any surgery? And now, thanks to degeneration, we have this. I love the Nordic image myself. I have white skin; I am a Nordic type—perhaps a little Eastern Baltic, but closer to Nordic.”

On how the only thing she’ll ever give birth to is a giant bundle of fucking crazy: “The very idea of having children brings out this deep revulsion in me. Most people have children to fulfill their own ambitions, not to give anything. They don’t think about what they can give this child, what they can teach her. They just try to shape her according to some weird script—whatever they couldn’t do in life, like becoming a writer or a doctor. Or some woman who’s almost 30 and thinks no one needs her, she says, ‘Oh, I’ll have a kid. He will love me and become my reason to live.’ And then this kid becomes a soccer ball she and her boyfriend will kick back and forth. I’d rather die from torture, because the worst thing in the world is to have a family lifestyle.”

On if she’s a feminist: “I’m against feminism. But what would you keep the children for? So they can get you a glass of water when you’re on your deathbed?”

The hell is Prussian Blue Barbie even saying in that last quote. I’ve seen CAPTCHA sentences that make more sense than that shit. Bitch has no idea what feminism is and who wants water on their deathbed? If I’m on my deathbed, I want booze, bitch. Water being your last drank? That just goes to show you how crazy this mess is, because that’s full crazy.

And Mel Gibson’s irises just turned into two heart shapes and his eyelashes are fluttering like a dove’s wings, because he has finally found his one true love. But she’s still not going to blow him before Jacuzzi, because this crazy bitch only puts air in her mouth.

Backdoor Farrah Thinks Jessica Alba Should Play Her In A Movie

April 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Somewhere in between summoning the blood out of our ear holes with her “music and “writing” a Christian parenting book, Farrah Abraham found time to put her name on a trilogy of erotic novels which was obviously ghostwritten by a person who can do two things that she can’t do: read and write. Farrah’s first erotic novel “Celebrity Sex Tape” is based on the sex tape porn she made with James Deen. Farrah’s book will most likely be the literary equivalent of the butt syrup that squirted out of her ass after James Deen sexed her in there and it’s going to make Fifty Shades of Grey look like it was written by Jane Austen. But Backdoor Farrah thinks it’s better than Fifty Shades of Grey and is such a literary masterpiece that she doesn’t want Hollywood to ruin it by making it into a movie. Backdoor Farrah squirted out this warm load of delusion to Celebuzz:

“I would love for it to actually just stay in a book. Because a lot of stories I have read that are turned into movies aren’t as good or portrayed as well. So I really enjoy reading and I enjoy making stories so that they’re more compelling while you’re reading it.”

But Backdoor Farrah says that if it HAS to be turned into a movie, she thinks Jessica Alba should play Fallon Opal, the character she based on herself. (Side note: Mary Fisher must be Farrah’s ghost writer, because only thee Mary Fisher could come up with a name like Fallon Opal.)

“If it were turned into a movie, which I think would also be awesome in its own sense, I just know I would have Jessica Alba play Fallon Opal. I think she’s very relatable to myself and Fallon Opal, and I think she’s had a very good career and I would trust her playing that part.”

MiserAlba is a shit actress, but even she’s too good of an actress to play Backdoor Farrah. MiserAlba is better than that and she was in The Eye! The only thing that can perfectly capture the dead eye-ness and hallowed-out soul of Backdoor Farrah is an out-of-commission, coin-operated plastic toy supermarket horse. Even then, Megan Fox would have to teach it to be less life-like.

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Party Of No: Jennifer Love Hewitt Went Blonde

April 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Jennifer Love Hewitt has a 4-month-old baby, a husband and a vajazzle addiction to feed, so she’s back out on the ho stroll to make that money. Kaley Cuoco’s desperate mess idol came out for the L.A. launch party for the line of maternity clothes she designed (read: put her name on and collected a check) for A Pea in a Pod. Because JLove never talks about her weight and body, she talked about her weight and body with E! News and says that she did the line for A Pea in a Pod to empower women. Oh, JLove, you have a crazy way of saying “to empower my checking account.

On trying to lose the chunk after birthing a human: “It’s hard, it’s really hard. And I wasn’t sure where I was going to fall and what was going to happen and how I was going to feel. It just feels great to sort of be honest about the fact that it is tough and these clothes make it a little easier, make me feel beautiful. I’m still in a lot of my pregnancy clothes and there is just where I feel good right now. Everything hasn’t returned back to where I want it to be and put on my other clothes and feel good about that.”

On people talking shit about people’s clothes is the reason why she put her name on a line of clothes for the knocked up set: “We’re sort of in this odd time in our society right now where women are not being nice to each other. We’ve got a lot of reality stuff where people being mean to each other and, fashion-wise, people are talking bad about each other. I thought, ‘What a beautiful place to put my energy?’ Make a line for women, by a woman, who actually wants them to feel great and feel beautiful and look fantastic and look better than everyone walking around, especially at a time when you cannot feel very good about yourself.”

I’m not going to talk shit about JLove’s clothes, but I am going to talk shit about THAT UGLY ASS GUINEA PIG HAIR. After years of whispering to ghosts, couldn’t one of those ghosts returned the favor by whispering the word “NO” into her ear when she turned around and saw herself in the salon mirror for the first time after going blonde? I know some hos think that going blonde is going to make them look like a bombshell, but sometimes it can make you look like a third-tier 80s rocker whose body was just pulled out of a bathtub after lying there for days. But in JLove’s defense, she just had a baby. That barf color is the perfect color of hair to have when you’re taking care of a new baby. Because when your baby barfs on your hair, all you have to do is just rub it in and keep your day moving.

Pics: Wenn.com

Here’s A Story About A Woman Named Cameo Crispi Who Tried To Burn Her Ex-Piece’s House Down With Bacon

March 28, 2014 / Posted by:

File this under: If Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes was born a crazy white woman from Utah.

KSL reports that the crispy beauty above is 31-year-old Cameo Adawn Crispi (Side note: I hate throwing puns so early in the post, but Cameo Adawn Crispi is truly a hot name. With a name like that, she should’ve been the member of an R&B girl group from the 80s) and she was busted by the cops in Naples, UT after she broke into her ex-boyfriend’s house and tried to burn that bitch down with a pound of bacon. Vanilla Ice just fell in love.

Cameo Crispi’s ex-boyfriend called the cops on March 14th, because she kept burning up his phone with calls and texts and he wanted her to stop. He wasn’t home at the time and he was afraid she was going to go to his house. When the cops showed up to his house, Cameo Crispi was there and they noticed that she was plastered and smoke was coming out of the front door. They went into the house and found the deadly deliciousness cooking on the stove. The officer wrote in his report:

“I asked to come in and observed a wood stove left open with a fire burning inside and hot coals on the floor around the stove. I observed the burner to be on the setting ‘High’ and the bacon to be severely burned and smoking badly.”

The officer turned off the gas stove, put out the fire and arrested Miss Crispi’s ass. They took her to the hospital before taking her to the police station, because she blew a 0.346 on a breathalyzer. She was charged with arson, burglary, assault by a prisoner, interfering with an arresting officer, electronic communication harassment and intoxication. Miss Crispi admitted to the cops that she wanted to burn her ex’s house down to get back at him for doing her wrong. She’s due in court next month.

0.346?!!!! Yes, I know White Oprah considers 0.346 “a slow night,” but most people would find it hard to operate a gas stove while the feeling in their hands is completely gone. But being drunk is the perfect defense for cooking a pound of bacon. Miss Crispi should’ve never admitted to trying to burn her dude’s house down. Because she could’ve told the judge that she had a few dozen cocktails and wanted some bacon. The judge would’ve understood and immediately dismissed her case, because everybody knows that eating bacon while wasted is like getting your salad tossed by an angel. There’s nothing like it.

With that being said, Miss Crispi should get the death penalty for destroying all that bacon.

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ICYMI: A Road Rager Skids Out After Driving Like An Asshole

March 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Since I moved back to L.A., I’v experienced massive amounts of dumb fuck drivers and most of the time I have to turn on a Carpenters and/or stick an ice cube up my ass to cool down. Bitches have tailgated me just to tailgate me and usually I love it when an angry whore is riding me hard, but I’d prefer if we were both out of our cars, naked and lubed up. Whenever I’m dealing with a tailgater, I always move over and sometimes those dumb shits move over with me and continue to ride me just to fuck with me. When that happens, I always think that the crazy ass driver is probably going to skid out and eat shit. That’s exactly what happened to this YouTuber in….wait for it… wait for it… Tampa, FL. She writes that a dude in a truck was riding her ass like she was a hungry bottom and he was a power top. She pulled out her phone and filmed it all. She explains why she didn’t move over and claims that she kept her eyes on the road while filming (uh huh):

This happened to me on SR 41 in Tampa on Monday March 24th. This pathetic excuse for a human being tailgated me for about three minutes. After about a minute, and me shaking my head, I pulled out my phone and started recording. I couldn’t move over because there were trucks in the right lane, and I sure as heck wasn’t going to speed on a rainy day with the roads being as slick as they were. I was turning left in about a half-mile when this happened. Now bear in mind, that this guy had already passed a truck in a left turn lane, was tailgating and driving recklessly on a wet slick road, wasn’t paying attention, and all in all being an ignorant ass. In the full video which I will post later, you will be able to see that not once was I mouthing off, I never brake checked him, and in fact until I watched the video after the accident I didn’t even know he shot a bird at me because I wasn’t looking at him at all, I was paying attention to the road while holding the phone up with my right hand. I’ve recorded circumstances like this before, catching idiots doing stupid things, but never ever had this happen.

He initially fled the scene of the accident, but thanks to this video he has been caught and charged. Massive props to the Sheriffs Department and most especially the Highway Patrol who responded to the scene. This moron could have easily killed somebody with his moronic behavior, and my laughing at the end would have been replaced with tears. Needless to say though, I’ve never seen Karma come back so fast.

Okay, yes, I released after watching that.

But seriously, when she cackled while irresponsibly shooting that shit, I thought she was going to lose control, skid out and hit a tree on the other side of the road. The cops would’ve shown up, arrested them both and forced them to share a jail cell together. Of, course in that jail cell, they would’ve fallen in love. The love story that could’ve been.

And I can’t completely side with this lady for the simple that she shot this in portrait mode. That is unforgivable.

via Buzzfeed

Not The Face! Not The Face! Zac Efron Gets Cold Cocked In The Mouth By A Homeless Man On Skid Row

March 27, 2014 / Posted by:

In “Girl, stop fucking with your beauty” news, TMZ says that the prettiest princess to come out of the Disney kingdom, Zac Efron, got another blow to his Maybe He’s Born With It face on Sunday when he got into a fight with a group of homeless people on Skid Row in Downtown L.A. There are two reasons to go to Skid Row late at night if you’re not homeless: 1) DRUGS and; 2) To put on a white blonde wig and sing the part of Audrey in a re-enactment of Skid Row” from Little Shop of Horrors. The second one is a definite possibility, but I’m going to guess that Zac made a trip to Skid Row to get him some bad shit.

TMZ says that just after midnight on Sunday, the cops saw Zac and his bodyguard fighting with 3 homeless dudes. The cops broke up the fight and then questioned Zac. Zac told the police that he and his bodyguard were driving through Skid Row when their car “ran out of gas” and as they were waiting for a tow truck to come and get them, he threw a bottle out of the window and it broke near the group of homeless dudes. The homeless dudes came at Zac Efron’s bodyguard and Zac got out of the car to help. Zac trying to help his bodyguard led to him getting “cold cocked in the mouth” by one of the homeless dudes. I’m not into rough trade, so when I Google “Zac Efron cocked in the mouth,” this is not the story I want to see.

The police didn’t put anyone into handcuffs, because they labeled the situation as “mutual combat.” One source said that Zac was “obviously intoxicated” (read: on some shit). Zac went to rehab twice last year for a coke addiction and last November he busted his pretty when he “slipped and fell” on a puddle outside of his house.

The “Skid Row” part of L.A. is near a lot of clubs and restaurants in Downtown, so Zac could’ve been telling the truth, but survey says: NO. But really, Skid Row?! I thought one of the bonuses of being a famous millionaire is that you just have to press a button in your mansion and 5 minutes later a dealer carrying a briefcase full of your mind-numbing substance of choice shows up? Skid Row?! How dreadful. This is Nick Stahl levels of tragic. The entire cosmetics industry will collapse if Zac Efron goes from being a Cover Girl to dethroning Lindsay Lohan as the Hollywood Faces Of Meth Queen.

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