I’ve got some sad, tragic news for you if your name is Watermelondrea and your dream in life is to work for Raven-Symoné. She’s never going to hire you and it’s all because your parents decided to write the name “Watermelondrea” on your birth certificate.
On yesterday’s episode, the hen house of foolery that we know as The View discussed a recent study that found that Americans make racist assumptions based on someone’s name alone. They played a clip from YouTube of kids saying “ghetto” names like Fo’Landra. Of course, we all know that prospective employers discriminate against people based on their born name, race, religion, gender, fatness, skinniness, sexuality, etc… etc… It’s illegal, but hos still do it. And during yesterday’s discussion, Raven let everyone know that she’d gladly discriminate against anyone with a name like Watermelondrea. That really is SO Raven.
“Just to bring it back, can we take back ‘racist’ and say ‘discriminatory,’ because I think that’s a better word. That’s a better word. And I’m very discriminatory against words like the ones they were saying in those names. I’m not about to hire you if your name is Watermelondrea. It’s just not going to happen. I’m not going to hire you.”
Of course, this made Twitter (and beyond) tell Raven-Symoné to get the fuck out and to take her silent accented e with her. Raven hasn’t said anything about this yet, but I’m sure that on Monday’s episode of The View, Raven will apologize and will do a sit-down interview with a woman named Watermelondrea about name discrimination. At the end of the interview, Raven will give Watermelondrea a job as her new assistant. That’s damage control The View-style. But I don’t know why you’d want to be Raven’s assistant anyway. I mean, she’ll probably make you catch a damn bird and kill it so she can wear it on her head. And it’s a good thing for Raven that the producers of The View didn’t say, “I’m not about to hire you if you come in here looking like Foghorn Leghorn’s daughter” when considering her for the job. Here’s the clip if you need to see it:
And when something you say makes Whoopi Goldberg clutch her pearls…..
Stephenie Meyer must have gotten sick of copy cat bitches (see: E.L. James) stealing her brilliant literary ideas and multi-dimensional characters, so she decided to join them by copying herself.
Since it was Twilight’s 10th anniversary yesterday, many Twihards thought that Stephenie would give them the gift of Midnight Sun, the story of Twatlight told from Edward Cullen’s perspective. But Stephenie has given them something even better. Stephenie has “reimagined” Twilight by swapping the genders of the main characters. Stephenie worked tirelessly on reworking her literary masterpiece and by that I mean she pretty much kept everything the same and used the “find and replace” function to change the names “Bella” and “Edward” to “Beau” and “Edythe.” Yes, Bella is now Beau and Edward is Edythe. I love it! Edythe sounds like the name of a grouchy old conservative memaw and Beau sounds like the name of the mischievous mutt she was forced to take care of after her husband died. The names are perfect!
Tori Spelling always finds new and creative ways to bring new meaning to the word “desperate,” but I give her credit, because she’s always hustling and will do whatever it takes to not have to hide her Audi from the repo man like Mischa Barton. Lifetime is going to air their future Emmy-winning unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 movie this Saturday night and afterward, they’re going to show us the latest thing that Tori did for a check. Tori got hooked up to a lie detector for the special Tori Spelling: Celebrity Lie Detector. I’m sure that special will be followed up with Tori Spelling: Celebrity Pap Smear and Tori Spelling: Celebrity Colonoscopy.
Tori was asked a series of questions about Beverly Hills, 90210 while hooked up to a lie detector machine and surprisingly, the lie detector machine didn’t explode as soon as she answered the first question. They must have forgotten to plug it in. Tori did an interview with host Louise Roe after the lie detector test and she burped up an unknown fact, because I guess she wanted a bonus from the producers. Tori admitted that she wet humped on two of her co-stars. She dated Brian Austin Green, so she obviously fucked him, but she claims she also got it on with someone else in the original cast. Tori ruled out Ian Ziering, so it was narrowed down to Luke Perry and Jason Priestley.
They don’t show us the answer in the clip, because they want you to watch to find out, obviously. But I don’t need to watch to know that this is a trick! It’s neither of them and I doubt it’s an original cast member too. It’s obviously Rocky the Dog. Or a strap-on wielding Gabrielle Carteris. No, definitely Rocky the Dog.
Last night, a Liberty Counsel lawyer for Kim Davis, noted Kentucky fame whore and proud killer of gay marriage dreams, released a long ass statement claiming that Pope Francis invited her to meet with him during his visit to DC. Kim claims they hugged and he gave her and her husband two blessed rosaries. Kim Davis’ lawyer has lied about shit before. So when I read about her supposed meeting with the pope, I threw a squinty side-eye that said, “Uh huh, bitch, and Pope Francis also did a quick day trip to California to meet with me and we got drunk on Andre, messaged hot guys on Grindr and re-enacted our favorite scenes from Showgirls. I let him be the Cristal this time, because you know, he’s the pope.” Kim Davis’ claim that she met Pope Francis reminded me of when a girl in my 8th grade class told everyone that she met Zachery Ty Bryan from Home Improvement during a family vacation to the Virgin Islands and he asked her out, but she said no, because she had a boyfriend. Well, it turns out she was telling the truth. Kim Davis, not that girl from the 8th grade.
The last time we checked in on Ryan from The O.C. (aka Benjamin McKenzie, aka Officer Ben Sherman if you were into Southland), he had knocked-up his still-technically-married Gotham costar Morena Baccarin. Morena and her husband Austin Chick called it quits on their marriage shortly after she let Ben’s baby move into her womb, and now it sounds like Morena is going to chase that divorce with another marriage.
According to ET (yes I just pictured a wrinkly brown alien sipping out of a mug that says I LOVE GOSSIP), Morena wrote in court documents that were filed on September 11th that she’s “planning to re-marry” and that she’s three-and-a-half months pregnant. And apparently Morena and Ben haven’t exactly been hiding on the down low; sources tell ET that Ben came to visit Morena on the set of Deadpool in Vancouver a bunch of times between March and May and stayed at her condo. She also claimed she told First Husband Austin back in March that things weren’t working out and that she was slowly inching her way towards the door.
Of course, TMZ says First Husband Austin is pissed about the whole situation. Austin spilled the tea in some legal documents last week, and he got all kinds of dramatic. Austin claims that his son is in a “confusing, unhealthy environment” with Morena and Ben, and points to an incident back in August where he came home to pick up some of his stuff and saw a freshly-showered Ben playing with his 1-year-old son. He also threw her a bit of “you a ho” shade by saying they were “still sharing a bed” and trying to work on their marriage when Morena got sperminated in June. Unfortunately, his hysterics didn’t help, and Morena recently got split joint custody of their kid.
Weddings are fun and all, but this seems like an awful lot of pressure to put on a pregnant lady. A divorce and an affair and a baby and a wedding? If I was the judge looking at Morena’s court documents, I totally would have accepted: “I’m planning on re-marrying, but honestly, don’t ask me when, because I sort of have a lot of shit on my plate right now. Cool?”
Here’s a knocked-up looking Morena and her baby daddy on the set of Gotham the other day.
Here’s a flea-ridden creature with mange, and the other one is a cartoon cat from the 80s. But really, on the left is Johnny Depp outside of his hotel in Rio yesterday, and on the right is Riff-Raff, the debonair-as-shit leader of The Catillac Cats from Heathcliff. If you’re looking at those pictures while thinking to yourself, “Depp worked the raggedy alley cat pimp look better,” you are a traitor to the 80s and I will never speak to you again.
While looking like a rejected extra from Macklemore’s MTV VMAs performance, Johnny Depp arrived in Brazil yesterday with Amber Heard (not pictured). Johnny is in Rio, because he’s going to perform at Rock in Rio with his supergroup The Hollywood Vampires, which is made up of Alice Cooper, Joe Perry, Duff McKagan and others. Johnny looked a mess and I know he usually looks a mess, but he really looked a mess. Johnny looks like a broke off, dozed off hobo from the 70s who just peeled himself off of the ground after sleeping under a park bench all night. If you’re ever seventy kinds of hungover and you don’t feel like talking much and someone asks you how you’re feeling, just pull up these pictures of Johnny Depp on your phone and say, “This is how I feel on the inside.” They’ll slowly back away and leave you the hell alone for the rest of the day.
It’s nice to know that Azealia Banks doesn’t only mouth fart up the “faggot” word and bust out massive amounts of crazy on Twitter. Azealia Banks does it in the world outside of Twitter too! At least she’s consistently HER.
Iggy Azalea’s #1 fan (served on a plate of freshly washed sarcasm) and a sort-of supporter of Donald Trump’s thoughts on immigration (not served on a plate of freshly washed sarcasm) was on a flight from NYC to LAX early this morning and she gave passengers several servings of her signature messiness when the plane landed. A passenger tells TMZ that after the plane landed at 1 this morning, Azealia was more than ready to get off of that bitch and she grabbed her bag before quickly making her way to the exit. Azealia was in the 6th row and her plan to get off the plane first was blocked by a French couple in the 3rd row. The couple was in the aisle getting their bags from the overhead and when Azealia tried to squeeze by them, the French dude “put his hand out” to block her. That little move switched Azalea’s switch and bitch went off on him in more ways than one.
Every desperate, try hard fame whore who is parched for attention just punched themselves in the head, because they wish their brain would’ve come up with this act of fuckery.
67-year-old Jerry Casale of Devo (Yes, the “Whip It” band) got married to his 26-year-old piece Krista Napp on Friday, which was 9/11, and somebody thought it would be hilarious to do a 9/11 theme at his reception. Imagine if they got married on the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. TMZ posted pictures from that mess. Jerry and his young piece of a wife had a World Trade Center wedding cake, they gave out box cutters as party favors and their place settings looked like this:
Most weddings are awful, but at least you can always look forward to free booze and delicious cake. So imagine being at that Devo dude’s wedding and finding out that the cake is of the Twin Towers? I mean, if you’re going to have a Twin Towers cake, at least make it look good. That Twin Towers cake makes that period turd cake look delicious by comparison.
Just when I think that the planet’s supply of WTFness is depleting and we’ve seen it all, TMZ gives us a story about how the Devo dude had a 9/11-themed wedding. But Jerry, who once had a solo project called “Jihad Jerry & the Evildoers,” tells TMZ that the cake and party favors weren’t his idea at all. His friend gave him the cake, because the friend thought they got married on 9/11 on purpose.
“I got married on 9/11 by chance, because it was the last Friday I could get married before my marriage license application expired. So I got married at the Beverly Hills courthouse and had a small dinner with 20 friends at Michael’s. And one of the friends surprised me with the cake and place setting. It’s because they thought it was really macabre that I was getting on 9/11 and I said, ‘No, it’s just arbitrary and Krista and I are the twin towers of love.’ You know, making a joke about love conquering all. We called ourselves the twin towers of love. And so, here comes the surprise, and everybody ate the cake.”
Um, the Devo dude does know what happened to the twin towers he’s comparing his marriage to, right? And like me, you probably looked at that top picture and screamed, “Vicki Lawrence, you mess! Why are you partaking in that foolery?“
Lindsay Lohan, the Blanche DuBois of washed-up messes (because she always depends on the kindness of rich Arab men), is still living the high life in Europe and people are still inviting her to things. LiLo was a guest at the wedding of Justin Etzin (the ambassador of tourism for the Seychelles) and model Lana Zakocela in Florence, and she immediately brought the foolery by showing up in a white dress. LiLo told everyone the dress once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor. I think LiLo’s getting her Taylors confused. I think she meant that she stole the dress from a Lord & Taylor.
Page Six says that during the ceremony LiLo behaved like the polite swan we all know her to be by painting her nails and looking at her phone. The source says that LiLo checked out of the reception early and when she got back to her villa, she stripped down to her naked body and ran around while saying that someone drugged her drink.
The wedding was a 4-day long party and at one event, which had an Eyes Wide Shut theme, LiLo was the DJ. The source says she yelled at some trick for taking a picture of her, spoke in a British accent and played Brandy and Monica’s “The Boy Is Mine” over and over again. LiLo also claimed someone stole her jewelry. (SPOILER ALERT: It was Lindsay. Lindsay even steals her own jewelry.)
A rep for Justin Etzin claims that all of the above did not happen.
Most weddings are boring, but I’d go to any wedding that LiLo was a guest at. Who cares about the bouquet toss and listening to the best man slobber out some cheesy speech. I’d much rather watch LiLo run around naked while screaming in a British accent about how someone stole her necklace as hos in masks fucked around her (that’s what they mean by an “Eyes Wide Shut theme” right?) and “The Boy Is Mine” played on a loop.
P.S. – Playing “The Boy Is Mine” ten times in a row at someone else’s wedding is one of the funniest things LiLo has ever done. We already knew this, but now we really know to never accuse LiLo of having shame.
If the picture above is making you wonder “Who’s the long-lost Butabi brother?“, that’s Constantine Maroulis. Remember? He was on the fourth season of America Idol (you know, the one that Carrie Underwood won). He also did Rock of Ages and was nominated for a Tony award, which means he’s totally a Broadway STAR! He’s also apparently in need of Detective Olivia Benson and the Special Victim’s Unit, because according to Constantine Maroulis, his baby mama has been getting all kinds of abusive with him.
It all started on Wednesday, when Constantine Maroulis was arrested for domestic violence after he allegedly kicked his (now) ex-girlfriend and mother of his 4-and-a-half year old daughter Angel Reed in the crotch. Kicking someone in the clam is a pretty aggressive thing to do, but Constantine’s rep tells People that he only did it out of self defense because Angel is no Angel. The NYDN says that the fight happened because Constantine was trying to quit their six year relationship and move out of their house. Constantine’s rep says Constantine made a recording of the fight and he can be heard yelling at her to stop hitting him. No word on whether or not he also pulled a Bobby Hill by shouting “That’s my purse, I don’t know you” before he kicked her in the crotch. His rep adds:
“He has injuries on his upper thigh. He was trying to be a nice guy because he is the father of their child and he became the victim.”
Damn, where’s Bo Bice and his gorgeous conflict-calming shoulder-length hair of peace when you need it?
Even though New Jersey police hauled Constantine in and slapped him with a domestic violence arrest, he has gone ahead and filed a temporary restraining order against Angel. He’s also planning to file criminal charges against Angel. This isn’t exactly a new experience for Constantine; back in July, he filed papers stating that Angel Reed is a boozer and a beater. And according to TMZ, it’s not just Angel’s drinking and fighting that keep him awake at night; Constantine is also claiming that he fears for the safety of their daughter, Malena, because Angel has a bunch of criminals in her family tree. Yep, they dragged their kid into it. I’m sure Kelly Rutherford is making plans to have a “Congratulations! You’re officially fighting over your kid with your ex” fruit basket sent over to Constantine’s house as we speak.