All together now: “But when was that bitch ever country?”
Country Music packed up all of Taylor Swift’s shit and put it on the curb today after she released the first single called “Shake It Off” from her first all-pop album called “1989,”which comes out in October. Taylor of Green Gables didn’t have to smear her porcelain skin with SPF 5,000 today, because The Country Music Association threw a little shade her way with this tweet (which they later deleted, -10 shade points for them):
Good luck on your new venture @taylorswift13! We’ve LOVED watching you grow! #TaylorSwiftYahoo
Translation: “Don’t come crawling back to us, whore!”
Tay Tay queefed out her new song and video at some Yahoo! event today. Her new song sounds like a cross between a song that Avril Lavigne wrote in 2008 for a Pixar movie and a Jackson 5 b-side that the label rejected for being “too sweet.” At times, Taylor Swift even sounds like a young Michael Jackson with laryngitis. And the video. Well, if that still tells you anything…. This mess will make you cringe until your face muscles give out:
And that’s what you get when a commercial for The Gap and a Mickey Mouse Club skit circa 1995 lick up Miley Cyrus’ tongue skank before simultaneously barfing on the background of The Cosby Show intro.
That being said, I’m sure it’s already the #1 requested song at every spin class and thousands of people have already gone to the ER to beg doctors to please get that shit out of their heads.
And at least she didn’t write about an ex-boyfriend this time. I think.
During a performance of last night’s most expensive lip-synching show in Las Vegas, one of Brit Brit Spears’ fans, who paid a lot of money to see her move her mouth and wave her arms, recorded a video of her looking like she’s moving her mouth to Sia’s vocals. Leave it to Our Lady of Cheetos to turn fuck effort lip-synching into an art form. Sia wrote that shit and recored a version with Brit Brit. I watched that Instagram video (via ONTD) way too many times and I can kind of hear Brit Brit’s auto-tuned chipmunk yodel underneath Sia’s voice, so who ever is in charge of pressing play on the track Brit Brit lip-synchs to probably pressed play on the wrong track. Brit Brit went on with the show, because she’s a real professional (and mostly because she had no idea what was going on and was too busy thinking about how she can’t wait for Daddy Spears to take her to Buffalo Wild Wings after she finished moving her mouth to that track.)
No, no, no, I was just making jokes about Brit Brit not singing live. We all know that Brit Brit doesn’t lip-synch. We all know that it’s physically impossible for her to open up her mouth without stunningly beautiful, on-key musical notes dancing off of her vocal cords. Brit Brit doesn’t even know what a “lip-synch” is! She thinks it’s a fancy name for “water fountain.” Not many people know this about Brit Brit, since she’s always been humble about her natural gifts, but she actually has two sets of vocal cords. So last night, the audience witnessed true greatness. Brit Brit not only naturally sang her part, but she also sang in the voice of Sia at the same time! Brit Brit’s audience didn’t watch lip-synching-gone-wrong last night. They watched a vocal wonder at work!
I also heard that during last night’s show, she actually did half of a kick ball change (so basically just a kick and a half of a ball or a “kick and a Lance Armstrong” as dance professionals call it). I know, Brit Brit really gave it her all and more last night. She should take the rest of the year off. She and her conjoined twin vocal cords earned it.
The Baby Mothers Of Future Club will have to rent out a bigger church basement to hold their monthly support group meetings in, because they’ve got a new member. One year after getting engaged and three months after birthing out her first kid and his 500th, Ciara pink-slipped rapper Future after his wandering Christopher Columbus-ass dick traveled into another piece’s snatch. Ciara probably should’ve realized that Future is a slut with a dick that gets easily bored when he told her that his three kids have three different mothers and when his peen yawned and mouthed the word “NEXT!” right after they boned for the second time.
Several sources tell UsWeekly that Ciara dumped Future as soon as she found out that he was doing what Future does:
“He cheated on her. Game over,” an insider tells Us of the “Turn On the Lights” rapper. Another source adds: “She’s devastated. Ciara’s focus now is the baby.”
Ciara and Future met when their label set them up for a track. They started wet humping on each other shortly after that and that led to get her getting knocked up, which led to him proposing to her on her birthday. They were together for a little over a year. Ciara gave birth to their son Future Zahir Wilburn in May.
The moral of this story is: If you let a rapper named Future, who has a collection of baby mothers, bust raw nuts up into your ovaries and you come down with a CASE OF THE BABIES!!!, do not let him name your child. Do not let him do it. Because he will name your child after his stage name (not even his goddamn government name) and then your poor innocent child will have a fucked up name like Future. Well, the good news for Ciara is that the county court is open five days a week and it won’t be that hard to change her baby’s name from Future to Past.
Before Sherri Shepherd’s marriage to Lamar Sally exploded (like her brain when she learned the Earth was in fact round), they agreed to hire a surrogate to bake a baby using his sperm and a donor’s egg. They tried to use one of Sherri’s eggs but that didn’t work. When Sherri and Lamar broke up, she reportedly wrote off the unborn baby in her surrogate’s womb and made it clear she wants nothing to do with the kid. Sherri believes that Lamar is a scheming gold digger and he only wanted the baby so that he could get child support after divorcing her. Well, that precious baby is here and once the kid learns that his dad is using him as an ATM and his mom is Sherri Shepherd, he’s going to crawl back up that surrogate’s body and stay there until he turns 18. I hope that surrogate has enough room in there.
TMZ says that the surrogate carrying Sherri and Lamar’s baby gave birth to a boy in Pennsylvania today. Sherri wasn’t there, because she was too busy telling her future ex co-workers on The View that she’s about to ruin Broadway. Lamar was there during the birth of his son and a source (read: Lamar using a hospital pay phone because Sherri cut off his cell phone) says that he’s excited about
getting those monthly checks being a father.
Lamar wants to raise his son by himself, but he’s still hitting Sherri up for child support. Sherri is going to fight him in court, because again, she thinks he defrauded her ass.
Well, it’s a good thing that Lamar is raising that kid. Yes, Lamar is probably a shameless grifter who might’ve tricked a lint-for-brains moron, but think of all the gold digging knowledge he’ll pass onto his son. Lamar could teach a master class in gold digging, because he overcame the odds. Dude gold diggers have to work extra hard, because it’s not like they can get knocked up with a blank check baby. Lamar had to come up with a real scheme to try to get a monthly child support check. And Lamar’s kid is going to get that knowledge for free (actually, he probably won’t, because a professional gold digger doesn’t give anything away for free).
And I wonder what Jesus, who predates everything, would say to that kid. He’d probably say, “May I be with you, because DAMN your parents are trash.”
Here we go again; Michael Lohan is a drama-loving attention-seeking mess, take 8,303,472 (in the words of the great Mr. Lahey, the shit apple doesn’t fall far from the shit apple tree). According to TMZ, Lindsay’s deadbeat dad claims that his pregnant girlfriend Kate Major (seen above looking like Smurfette and Gargamel after 2-for-1 tequila night at Señor Frogs) is having a super shitty time in jail for her DUI. Michael says that Kate’s vagina has started bleeding on two separate occasions, but when she goes to the infirmary, they give her an ultrasound and tell her she’s fine. Michael is pissed off that the jail didn’t call in a specialist or rush Kate’s ass to the hospital, and Dr. Michael Lohan OB-GYN tells TMZ:
“You know damn well if someone has vaginal bleeding while pregnant that’s indicative of a miscarriage.”
Damn, those Lohans love to throw around the word “miscarriage”, don’t they? Again, shitty apple, shitty apple tree. Michael is also pissed that the jail has forced Kate to “carry her property back to her room” while bleeding from her down-lows. Oh my god, they made Kate carry her own things?? Who’s her CO, Pornstache? Anyways, Michael thinks something in the prison pruno ain’t clean and he’s hired Casey Anthony’s attorney Jose Baez to fight for a court order to have Kate treated properly.
I really hope that Michael Lohan’s attorney is able to get that court order, because I know that if Kate was seen by a professional doctor, he’d take one look at her medical history, see that she already has one child with Michael Lohan and is pregnant with another, determine that she’s clearly insane (she willingly fucked Michael Lohan, after all) and request she be transferred from jail to a psych ward. Then when she gives birth to Major-Lohan Baby No. 2, they can quickly whisk the baby away to a neonatal support group for newborns with extremely fucked up parents. Everybody wins!
Adrienne Bailon Defends Talking Shit About Rob Kardashian And Takes A Nasty Swipe At Kim Kardashian While Doing So
Earlier this week, Latina magazine released an interview they did with Rob Kardashian’s ex-girlfriend Adrienne Bailon (seen here looking like a factory second from Pimp Mama Kris’s Diskount Kim Warehouse) in which she referred to being associated with the Kardashians as “hurtful” to her career. Because she has nothing better to do, Kim Kardashian responded to Adrienne’s remarks by coming for her on Twitter. Instead of tweeting back “Calm down hooker, go take care of your kid” and calling it a day, Adrienne wrote a long-ass message and posted it to Instagram in an attempt to clarify her comments about Rob, but also to hiss hot fire back in Kim’s flammable face:
“Fame and a Career are two different things. I’ve always had a career. I have been working hard since I was 15 years old. Being someone’s “girlfriend” was never what I wanted to be famous for.
What makes you “famous” isn’t always what you want to be “labeled” as, or known for. If anyone should understand that…It should be you.
I also stated in the article that none of this would have stopped me from being in love and being in that relationship. I just would have gone about it differently. You can love someone just as much in private. We all learn from our first loves.”
Ooooh, that second line! Insert latriceroyaleshade.gif here. At first I didn’t think much of Adrienne, having fucked The Sock One and all, but now I want to send her a muffin basket filled with all blueberry crumbles (no raisin brans for that subtle shade-throwing bitch!). The library is open Kim, and your narcoleptic porn star ass just got READ. Ironically, that’s probably the first time Kim has ever been in a library.
And as much as I love Adrienne, and I really do, bitch has GOT TO STOP talking about the Kardashians! If I were in her position, I would go to my grave denying that I ever dated one of Kris Jenner’s krotch goblins.
Speaking of, here’s the Silly Putty-faced pimp herself along with her two best hookers leaving for Ibiza yesterday. Kris must have figured that if LiLo was there, it must be crawling with wealthy johns, so she packed up her highest-earning bitches. Click clack!
Justin Bieber took his little ass to Instagram to once again slap at Orlando Bloom after Orlando threw a punch at him during a fight over Miranda Kerr at Cipriani’s early this morning. The Biebs is a popped dick pimple, but he’s right. Orlando Bloom should be crying. Orlando should be squirting out tears, because he had the chance to make humanity proud by knuckling the Biebs in the face and he failed. He failed himself and he failed us all. How do you live with yourself after that?
The Biebs gets really hard when he’s hiding behind Instagram. I picture him uploading that picture and screaming at his bodyguards, “Hold me back, bros! Hold me back! Don’t make me press enter on that bitch! Hold me back!” That peach-fuzzed butt nugget spits out a lot of shit when he’s hiding behind a screen, but get him in front of Orlando and he’d behind an adult before running for the exit door while screaming and crying for his mommy. Hmmm…Why does that description I just typed feel so familiar and why did my monitor suddenly turn into a mirror? It’s making it really hard to type and talk shit.
And here’s the object of Orlando and the Biebs’ douche fight at some Escada event in Munich, Germany last night. This might be the last time you see Miranda Kerr’s face, because she should get a face transplant and become entirely unrecognizable now that everyone knows that she probably fucked Justin Bieber.
NBC is following up their casting of a soulless, bland American Girl Doll who can sing as Maria Von Trapp by casting a soulless, bland American Girl Doll who can sing as Peter Pan! I can’t wait until this time next year when NBC announces that Lana Del Ambien will be Mama Rose in Gypsy Live!
Brian Williams must have some serious embarrassing shit on the head of NBC (examples: pictures of him spit-roasting the NBC Peacock with Matt Lauer, audio of him sloppily and loudly sucking off Jay Leno’s chin during the late night wars… ), because NBC announced today that his daughter will play the title role in Peter Pan Live! opposite Christopher Walken as Captain Hook this December. The second star to the right shines thanks to her daddy’s influence!
A grown woman playing Peter Pan in the Peter Pan musical isn’t weird since a grown woman usually plays Peter Pan in that shit (see: Mary, Martin, Cathy Rigby and Sandy Duncan). But it’s really weird that Marnie from Girls is playing Peter Pan. There are so many grown women who can perfectly play a young boy, like Pink and Justin Bieber, and NBC goes with Allison Williams? NBC should go full foolery and fill the Peter Pan Live! cast with hos from Girls. Adam Is Tiger Lily! Shosh IS Wendy! Lena Dunham IS Smee! Hate aside, I’m actually into this casting, because Allison Williams’ Peter Pan wig alone is going to be the fuel that feeds this future train wreck. I can’t wait!
Allison told The Wrap that playing Peter Pan is a dream she’s had since birth, practically:
“I have wanted to play Peter Pan since I was about three years old, so this is a dream come true. It’s such an honor to be a part of this adventure, and I’m very excited to get to work with this extraordinarily talented team. And besides, what could go wrong in a live televised production with simultaneous flying, sword fighting and singing?”
First of all, she’s lying. We all know that Allison’s main dream when she was three was to marry a Disney prince, live in a kingdom made of cotton candy and adopt a unicorn that poots out heart-shaped glitter cookies. She was THAT girl (and I was THAT boy, because that was my dream too and yes, it still is). Second of all, actors saying “I’ve had this dream since I was 3″ is the new “over the moon.” They always say that shit. I might’ve been impressed if she said, “While doing the backstroke in my daddy’s nutsack, I hoped that one day I’d get out of there and put on a busted wig to play Peter Pan in a TV musical.”
The Look Or Not The Look: Piper Perabo’s Lizard Skin Wedding Dress And Her Husband’s Three-Piece Canadian Tuxedo
File under: “Girl You So Different And Edgy” and cross-file under: “Names Your Brain Hasn’t Thought About Since 2000.”
Piper Perabo, a member (along with Teri Polo and Leslie Bibb) of the All White Blonde Actresses Look The Same Club of the early 2000s and star of Coyote Ugly, Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Covert Affairs, got married to director, producer and Teri Snatcher’s ex Stephen Kay at the Merchant’s House Museum in NYC on Saturday afternoon. Apparently, Piper and Stephen were going for a New Orleans theme, so a band from New Orleans played them off as they walked out of the museum after getting married. Err, Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is totally different than my idea of a New Orleans-style wedding. My idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is getting married by newlywed, flower of New Orleans and former HSOTD Ashley the Traffic Tranny in a sea of twerkers led by Big Freedia as New Orleans own Richard Simmons throws uncooked Zatarain’s on you. But that’s just me.
Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-themed wedding also includes wearing a dress that looks like a trout’s herpes breakout. Piper Perabo shit on the idea of a generic, boring, white wedding dress and instead wore some silver shit with a gold veil and her new husband wore a raggedy, busted, bought-at-the-Goodwill homeless dude suit that I’m telling myself was made out of denim. Piper and Stephen look like a mermaid with mercury poisoning who almost drowned after getting tangled in a bunch of dead seaweed and was rescued by a former hipster hobo who now works as an accountant for Burning Man. What I’m trying to say is, this IS the look.
And I really hope the band paid homage to Piper Perabo’s roots by playing Can’t Fight The Moonlight at her reception:
Remember when Falkor looked human-esque?
If you need more of the beaver pube patch on Stephen Kay’s chin, here it is at LAX last year.