Paula Patton filed for divorce from human pantyliner Robin Thicke more than two years ago, but things have recently gotten very messy between the two of them. I didn’t think it was possible for the situation between Paula and Robin to get worse than that awful album he made to try to win her back, but it has.
Just when I thought that today’s “news” day was going to be drier than a cooch after seeing that shot of Joseph Fiennes as Michael Jackson, I came across some red alarm-worthy news about The Fat Jew (Google him, you dumb fuck) and Wendy Williams.
While Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may have closed the door to their fucked-up divorce fight and put a “privacy please” sign on it (for now), the door to Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s fucked-up divorce fight remains wide open.
But while many sprained the muscles in their face from cringing over Tom Hiddleston’s self-absorbed acceptance speech, I nearly squirted out a tear over how he and Taylor Swift didn’t make it past the contract renegotiation stage. I learned last night that they are really perfect for each other. They both seem to love a shameless photo-op and they both have a gift for making absolutely everything about them. They really were a match made in ME ME ME HELL.
The Mother Theresa of Turkey has taken a break from staring her iPhone while waiting for Tina Fey to call her about her Mean Girls 2 treatment and dribbled out a poem dedicated to ISIS where I think she said that she wants to destroy terrorism with her kisses. Well, I guess if there’s an STD that causes you to destroy terrorism with your mouth, that’s the STD to have. Lindsay Lohan sliced her finger open while yachting once, so she totally understands the horrifying plight of Syrian refugees and wants to save them and the world. While many people do nothing about Syria, LiLo posted this Ode to World Peace (and to herself, it’s mostly an ode to herself).
She’s really a regular E.E. CummingInMeCostsExtra.
But really, if LiLo recorded that poem and sent it to ISIS, there’s a chance that all of the terrorists would hear her “Russian grandma after a dozen shots of novocaine” accent and put their weapons down to rip their own ears off. So maybe she really could destroy ISIS with her poetry? What if she did? Oh fuck, I think read her poem so many times that I got contact high.
The stupid fight between Chris Brown and Soulja Boy might be over, and it looks like it probably isn’t going to end with them throwing sad punches at each other like two teens who tried whiskey for the first time. Someone familiar with Chris Brown must have reminded Soulja Boy that stirring up shit with Chris is like trying to sweep up a puddle of gasoline with a broom made of matches, because he has publicly backed down.