Seen above looking like a Predator working the prosthetic butt that Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House, Khloe Kartrashian is on the cover of
Komplex Complex and in the interview, she brings the heave-summoning jacked-up foolery in heavy doses. Khloe defends Kylie Jenner’s relationship with PedoTyga and also tells us what it sounds like when Pimp Mama Kris fucks. If you really don’t feel like torturing your stomach and soul, skip the words that Khloe sharted up and watch this video of a bull dog trying to climb into a tiny folding chair instead. That bulldog works the “ass out, head over shoulder” pose a million times better than Khlozilla does.
In California, it’s illegal to use newborns younger than 15 days old for any kind of TV or movie shoot. Babies who are between the ages of 16 days and 6 months can be used but only for 20 minutes a day. If there wasn’t a law, Michelle Duggar would have moved to California a long time ago and opened up a newborn acting agency in her twat. But in South Africa, where Sean Penn is directing a movie, there are no laws like that and a newborn baby can go directly from the womb to the makeup chair on a film set.
Deadline says that the hairy Craisin is currently in Cape Town doing reshoots for a movie called The Last Face (Side note: That face above might’ve been the last face you’ve seen, because there’s a good chance his piping hot skin burned your retinas). In the movie, Sean’s ex-piece Charlize Theron and Javier Bardem play doctors who are doing humanitarian relief work amidst a political/social revolution in Africa. Adèle Exarchopoulos and Jean Reno also star, and soon a 10-second-old baby will also join the cast.
Production recently put out a casting call for a pregnant black woman who is due to give birth any second now. If you’re a pregnant black woman in Cape Town who wants her newborn to be in a Sean Penn movie, but you’re going into labor right now, you better cross your legs tight and keep that baby up in there for another day. (Tip: Keep a picture of Jim Bob Duggar at the foot of your cooch and your baby will crawl up the other way real fast.) Production needs a baby that is coming into this world on either Saturday or Sunday. The baby will make $120 a day and may have to work for 2 days. Here’s the WTF notice they put out:
They should pay that baby more than $120 a day. That child is going to need some extra money to pay for all the therapy they’ll have to get from staring at Sean Penn’s George Hamilton nutsack face during the first few days of their life. I was going to say that Sean should rewrite the role and get Clint Eastwood to send him over the American Sniper fake baby, but that won’t work. The American Sniper fake baby is more famous than everyone in that movie and there’s no way Sean can afford its day rate.
Here’s Charlize working Heidi braids at the L.A. premiere of the straight-to-DirecTV movie Dark Places.
Yesterday, Lifetime released the cast photo for their unauthorized behind-the-scenes Beverly Hills, 90210 movie and it was like I was transported back to 1990. The cast looked exactly like the original cast and by that I mean not at all. Well, Lifetime is also doing a Melrose Place movie and the cast photo for that is just as messy. They also released names of the actors and I’m going to try to match who plays who:
In the white dress looking like she has to piss: Sandy Louise Harding/Amy Locane (played by Lanie Mcauley)
In the clearance bin Miley wig: Jane Mancini/Josie Bissett (played by Chloe McClay)
With his chest out looking like he’s posing in an ad for a drugstore cologne: Jake Hanson/Grant Show (played by Ryan Bruce)
In the black dress sitting: Sydney Andrews/Laura Leighton (played by Chelsea Hobbs)
In the vest looking like a rejected Jonas Brother: Billy Campbell/Andrew Shue (played by Frank Bailey)
Thirsty weave trying her best to throw a bitchface: Amanda Woodward/Heather Locklear (played by Ciara Hanna)
Blondie next to thirsty weave: Matt Fielding/Doug Savant (played by Joseph Coleman)
Chipper girl sitting: Allison Parker/Courtney Thorne-Smith (played by Rebecca Dalton)
Sitting below chipper girl thinking to herself, “The hell am I doing?“: Rhonda Blair/Vanessa A. Williams (played by Karissa Tynes)
In ruffled top looking like she’s letting out a real slow, sneaky queef: Kimberly Shaw/Marcia Cross (played by Teagan Vincze)
Black blazer with a hairline that’s trying to run away from his eyebrows: Michael Mancini/Thomas Calabro (played by Brandon Barash)
Black shiny shirt: Jo Reynolds/Daphne Zuniga (played by Ali Cobrin)
Also, Dan Castellaneta from The Simpsons is playing Aaron Spelling. The Beverly Hills, 90210 movie will air on October 3rd and the Melrose Place movie will air exactly a week later.
It looks like the casting people just waltzed into an Applebee’s and randomly picked people to play the parts as fast as they could so they could get on with their 3 martini lunch. “You’re white. You can play Billy!” I look more like Jane Mancini than the actress playing Jane Mancini does. But you know, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s a Lifetime movie. I want community theater wigs, acting that makes Megan Fox look like Tilda Swinton and actors who look absolutely nothing like the person they’re playing. I want that shit to be a wreck from top to bottom. And judging by that picture, it looks like the Melrose Place movie is well on its way.
If you need a comparison, here’s one of the original cast photos (some people are missing, obviously):
Someone has to take the nominations for the MTV VMAs seriously and I guess Nicki Minaj is that someone. The MTV VMA nominations were announced today and even though “Anaconda” got two nominations, Nicki is pissed that it didn’t get a nomination for Video of the Year. She’s also wondering why “Feeling Myself“ got a total of zero nominations. Nicki had a lot of thoughts about her getting snubbed by MTV. It’s just the VMAs! This is like an actor complaining about not getting a People’s Choice Award nomination. (Anne Hathaway would totally do that.)
Nicki believes that “Anaconda” was snubbed in the Video of the Year category, because she thinks that you couldn’t open your eyes without seeing her Jell-O jiggle ass in that video. Nicki thinks it’s a cultural phenomenon and deserves a VOTY nomination more than some of the other videos nominated. Nicki is sick of black women giving so much to pop culture and not getting the awards they deserve. Nicki said that if “Anaconda” was filled with skinny bodies, then it probably would’ve gotten a nomination. And that was Taylor Swift’s cue to pop in, because she felt like Nicki was talking about the supermodel flip book known as the “Bad Blood” video, which was nominated for Video of the Year. Tay Tay truly has a gift for making everything about her. The tweets are after the jump and a little warning, there’s also an appearance by Kim Kartrashian:
Before we get into the latest contribution that 94-year-old Prince Philip, THE QUEEN’s husband and Mr. Burns’ long-lost British daddy, made to the Department of Fuckery, here’s a few of his past “greatest hits.”
– While visiting China in 1986, Prince Philip told a group of British exchange students that if they stay there for much longer, they’ll become “slitty-eyed.”
– Prince Philip asked an aboriginal businessman “Do you throw spears at each other?” during a visit to Australia in 2002.
– Prince Philip smashed the space-flying dreams of a 13-year-old while looking at the NOVA spacecraft at Salford University when he told the kid, “Well, you’ll never fly in it, you’re too fat to be an astronaut.”
– And of course, last week he told a photographer to hurry up and “take the fucking picture” at a photo call with his grandkid Prince William and other veterans.
That is some “Shit My Messy 90-Something Grandparent Says” shit.
Reverend Henry Kane’s spirit brother was at it again while attending the opening of the Chadwell Heath Community Centre in Dagenham with THE QUEEN yesterday (pictures below). Nusrat Zamir, who founded the Asian Women’s Network at the center, tells The Daily Mail that while talking to a group of women, Prince Philip asked them who do they “sponge” off of? Somebody please find a way to warn the birds above to watch out for Morrissey’s head, because it’s going to pop off of his neck and shoot through the sky any second now.
Ms Zamir, who founded the Chadwell Heath Asian Women’s Network which meets at the centre, said: “The Duke said to us ‘who do you sponge off?” We’re all married so it’s our husbands. “He was just teasing and it’s similar to what I call my husband – the wallet.”
The 35-year-old, who presented the Queen with a large iced sponge cake as the royal couple arrived at the community centre, added: “He also said to us ‘do you meet to have a gossip?'”
The women should’ve answered back with, “We’d ask you the same thing, but everyone knows the answer to that, you curmudgeon ass coot.” But a rep for the royals said that it was completely taken out of context by the media and the women too, I guess. Because Prince Philip was talking about sponge cake!
“There’s a context here, they were talking about a sponge cake, no offence was intended or taken.”
Nice spin. Next week when Prince Philip visits a mental health facility and says to an Asian patient, “What a nutty nip, you are,” a rep for the royals will say that he wasn’t being offensive. He was referring to the delicious peanuts and cheese crackers snack mix he made for the patients.
Pics: AP, Wenn.com
Whoever holds the record for the most mug shots taken (Lindsay?) better be prepared to lose their title, because DMX added another mug shot to his 8-foot-tall pile. “DMX got arrested” is the new “water is wet.”
PIX-11 in NYC says that DMX (born name: Earl Simmons) was on his way to perform in a concert at Radio City Music Hall when the cops got his ass for “several outstanding issues.” DMX owes $400,000 in child support, so Erie County Family court issued a warrant for his arrest. The city of White Plains also issued an arrest warrant on his ass for bail jumping and the city of Yonkers has accused him of being an “aggravated unlicensed motor vehicle operator.” On top of all of that, Newark, NJ filed a complaint against DMX for his possible involvement in a gas station robbery on April 5th. In other words, every damn city in the tri-state area has DMX’s name on a warrant list.
Because DMX was busy getting arrested, he wasn’t able to perform at Radio City. The show, which featured a bunch of rappers, went on without him. DMX later bailed out.
I get that the cops had to arrest DMX’s beyond messy ass since he has a warrant in practically every county, but shouldn’t they have waited until AFTER the show? Since DMX owes three shit loads in child support, they should’ve waited until he did the job and got the check before bringing him in along with the money he just made. How is he supposed to make a dent in that child support balance if they arrest him before he gets that paycheck? And DMX really needs to get it all the way together before he once again ends up nibbling green bologna sandwiches in a desert tent while wearing pink jail clothes. Believe it or not, that’s not a euphemism.
If you stare at Mimi’s Magic Eye dress long enough, you may see a sinking sailboat, which is a symbol of her relationship with her Australian billionaire, I guess.
My dog’s relationship with the piece of chicken-flavored rawhide that he’s been gnawing on for the past 2 days has gone on longer than Mimi’s relationship with Australian billionaire James Packer, but they’re still getting serious about getting married. It makes sense. Who cares if Mimi probably hasn’t met his family and turns into a human question mark when you ask her what his middle name is! The only thing she needs to know is that he has enough money to hire scientists to make her a real-life pink unicorn. SOLD! Who cares if James Packer’s brain turns off when you ask him what Mimi’s birthday is. The only thing he needs to know is that if he wants to get into Mimi’s Hello Pussy, he better put a 14 carat purple diamond ring on her ringer.
A source tells TMZ that Mimi and the come-to-life Minecraft character want to get engaged, but before they do, they’re going to meet with some spiritual leader. The source says that today, Mimi and James are taking his private jet to Israel to meet with a spiritual leader type whom he knows well. Once they do that, they’re going to hit the fast forward button on their marriage plans even though she’s still married to Nick Cannon.
James Packer was Tommy Girl’s best bitch for a minute and he stuck his tip in L. Ron Hubbard’s Thetan-covered asshole for a minute, so I’m picturing this “spiritual adviser” as John Travolta in a white gown with an e-meter. I wish Mimi would join Scientology. She’d bring that church of crazy down. While rambling about lambs and moments during her audit, the e-meter machine would explode and the walls would come crumbling down.
I’m sure this spiritual leader will tell them that they’re both crazy wrecks who need to slow down and that Mimi doesn’t need to get married in order to fuck. Ha. No, I’m sure this spiritual leader will tell Mimi that James Packer is her soulmate and they should unite their love before GOD and the spiritual leader will say that right after James slips him a blank check.
Here’s the ethereal Wuzzle and Frankenbillionaire strolling through Portofino, Italy yesterday.
The Butterly Unicornie Rainbow Pink Sparkle Empress is still luxuriating in Europe and today she Instagrammed this picture of Brian Grazer, some friends and her new man of approximately three seconds, Australian billionaire James Packer. If TMZ is right, James Packer’s orange Shrek-looking ass will go from being Mimi’s new boyfriend to her third husband. Mimi is showing Janet Jackson that she ain’t the only pop DIVA who can land billionaire peen.
Shortly after he was sentenced to 750 hours of community service and fined $5000 for acting like a bratty butthole on an airplane, Conrad Hilton decided to celebrate his official induction into the spoiled rotten rich kid delinquent club by doing some more illegal shit. TMZ says that Paris Hilton’s shady little brother broke into the home of his ex-girlfriend, Hunter Salomon. If that name is sounding familiar to you, it’s because she’s the daughter of douchebag hall of famer Rick Salomon. And if that sounds familiar to you, it’s because Rick Salomon is the guy who did Paris Hilton in 1 Night in Paris. Sing it with me now! “It’s a small, small woooooorld.”
Just like Conrad’s airplane drama, his break-in was also messy. After Hunter and Conrad broke up, he apparently turned into a Lifetime made-for-TV movie type of ex-boyfriend. Hunter claims he was obsessive and scary, and kept showing up at her house in the middle of the night threatening to kill himself. So she took out a restraining order against him. Then on Monday night, Conrad decided it was a good idea to violate the restraining order by showing up at her house and breaking into it. He wasn’t inside for very long; the house was soon swarmed by police and he was taken into custody.
Conrad is only 21 years old and he’s already been arrested for driving like a mess, going berserk on an airplane, breaking into a house and he’s had a restraining order placed on him. I think It’s safe to say that Paris Hilton can officially abdicate the throne and crown Conrad the trashiest member of the Hilton family. Speaking of, here’s Her Skankyness at a club in Milan on Sunday.
In every picture or Rachel Dolezal, there should be a dude in a blue shirt bringing the disgonbgud GIF alive with his face.
Starbucks, Dunkin’ Donuts and every damn coffee shop in the country reported a 1,000% spike in sales this morning, because everyone bought extra caffeine to butt chug, inject, freebase and snort to deal with the words that came out of Rachel Dolezal’s mouth during her interview with Matt Lauer on Today. Approximately 45 seconds after Rachel stepped down as president of the NAACP’s chapter in Spokane, Washington, she wasted no time in booking a media tour. (“Dat bitch pretends to be black and books a media tour and I had to cancel mine?!” – Iggy Azalea) I’m surprised she found time to book all those interviews in between opening all her thank you gifts from the Duggars for shifting the media’s eyes from Child Touching Way to Transracial Blvd. Rachel will be interviewed by Savannah Guthrie on NBC Nightly News and Melissa Harris-Perry on MSNBC, but she started her great big media tour on Today this morning.