Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may be stitching up the gaping wounds they gave each other during their wreck of a custody fight, which has wrapped up (for now), but those damn sources are still talking and adding more layers of messiness to this tragic saga that already has more messy layers than me walking to my mailbox in 60 degree weather (moving back to California gave me lizard veins and skin, okay?). A source tells UsWeekly (via The Daily Mail) that Brad thinks his relationship with two of his sons, 17-year-old Maddox and 15-year-old Pax, is broken, and that could be from something Angie said to Pax. The source claims that Angie told Pax that Brad never wanted to adopt him. “Aaaah, I always knew that halo was a knock-off bought at a pawn shop and you were secretly one of us,” said Satan proudly to his fellow fallen angel Angie.
Scrolling through Nicki Minaj’s contacts on her phone must be a lot like scrolling through the sex offender registry list (and good news for her is that if her contacts ever get deleted for some reason, she can look to the sex offender registry list to find her friend). Because Nicki worked with and supported a pedophile, she supported her brother who was found guilty of child rape, and now she’s getting on a convicted sex offender who also went to prison for killing a man. Who knew that Nick Minaj is the Mama June of hip-hop?
The judge, bailiff, and stenographer of the courtroom that handled Jon and Kate Gosselin’s custody case probably showed up in large plastic ponchos and a clear mask over their faces, because they were ready for the blood, guts, and flesh to fly after Kate unlocked her jaw and went after Jon for daring to fuck with her. But the court was spared from the slaughter since Kate and her lawyer didn’t bother to show up, which may have resulted in something that hasn’t happened to Jon in a while: he won at something.
Satan Is Freezing His Ass Off Today, Because Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Have Agreed On A (Possibly Temporary) Child Custody Agreement
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were married from August 2014 to September 2016 when she took a sledgehammer to the holy kingdom of Brangelina by filing for divorce. They’re still married, so their divorce fight has lasted longer than the damn marriage, and that’s mostly because they’ve been shanking at each other over custody of the child army. It was reported that St. Angie wanted full physical custody of their six children with Brad getting visitation rights (a St. Angie source later claimed she didn’t want full custody, uh huh).
Because St. Angie and Brad kept fighting over the custody situation and couldn’t agree on what to do, they were headed for a trial on December 4. Story after story came out about the trial, and some said they both were trying to avoid it while other sources said that Angie was slathering her face with holy water-infused Crisco and was ready to fight Brad in court and drag him for being a bad dad (who turns the friendly skies into the RAGEY SKIES!!! by drunkenly yelling at the kids on private planes). But we’re not going to hear stories about how a judge was struck down by God’s lightning bolt for having the audacity to disagree with St. Angie about something, because she and Brad have signed their names on a custody agreement. An agreement that would be confidential if something called “sources” didn’t exist.
The Samantha Jones we know and love hates children, and so she would never text with a kid, and she would definitely never sext with one. But if Satan got his way and the Sex and the City 3 movie was made and came out, we’d see Miranda Hobbes’ now 14-year-old son Brady, who looks like this now (and strangely enough he looks like the ginger love child of Cynthia Nixon and Rojo Caliente), sending dick pics to Samantha. Samantha looking at child porn sent to her by a teenager she knew as a kid gets 5 out of 5 Not Amused While Drinking Wine Samanths from me:
Here’s what I know about Aaron Rodgers: he dated Olivia Munn, he’s a professional football player for the cheese team, and his relationship with his family is a mess.