After Chris Rock filed for divorce from his wife of 18 years, Malaak Compton-Rock, shit started getting all kinds of messy when they fought over custody of their children and cash. Well, now an extra thick layer of sad and shady has been added to their mess of a divorce fight.
TMZ says that ever since 2008, a girl from South Africa named Ntombi has been living with the Rocks in New Jersey. Ntombi started living with them when she was only 6 months old. 7-year-old Ntombi’s biological parents live in South Africa and TMZ doesn’t know how she ended up living with the Rocks full-time. Ntombi became a part of the family and there’s several pictures of her with Chris Rock at events. Everything was rainbows and unicorn kisses until Chris and Malaak’s marriage flatlined.
At around the same time that Chris Rock filed divorce papers, officials in South Africa started putting a giant magnifying glass over how Ntombi ended up in the US. South African officials apparently don’t have any record of the Rocks adopting Ntombi. TMZ also couldn’t find any record of the adoption. Sources say that Chris never signed papers to legally adopt Ntombi and Malaak was the one who brought her to the US.
Those sources also say that Chris Rock’s heart is made of ice-wrapped anus scabs, because he regularly sees his 2 biological daughters, but hasn’t seen Ntombi for more than a year. Chris’ rep tells TMZ that he doesn’t have an adopted child. Damn, that rep straight-up pulled some, “the kid is not my
son daughter” shit.
If I had to speculate, I’d say that right after Chris Rock filed divorce papers and things started to hit train wreck territory, someone called the South African Adoption Department tip line and let them know about a possible illegal adoption scandal in New Jersey. If that’s the case, Kelly Rutherford is going to slide up right next to Chris Rock, because she’ll want him to teach her his ways.
You know, I was really hoping that break-up Gwen Stefani would really show out and hit the American Music Awards red carpet in nothing but nipples pasties, a pussy patch, exquisite Lucite heels and the words “Fuck That Cheating Slut Gavin Rossdale” scribbled onto her body in glitter marker. But instead of doing that, Gwen disappointed us all by showing up looking like a rejected Valley of the Dolls extra who got tangled up in the curtains while working a day shift at a goth-themed whore house. This is not the “I’M SINGLE NOW” outfit I was hoping she’d wear.
Warning: This is what happens when you bone Blake Shelton regularly. You dress like Kanye West styled you. This is like the look-for-less version of Barbra Streisand’s 1960s Oscar ensemble.
Gwen also performed her new song Used To Love You and she traded in her “fembot at a funeral” look for “albino predator caught in a fishnet.”
I said in my first sentence that I wish Gwen would’ve slapped Gavin down with her outfit, but I think she did that in her performance. I don’t know sign language, but I’m pretty sure the interpretive background dancers are signing the words,“Eat shit Gavin Rossdale,” with their bodies.
Okay, no, Taylor Swift isn’t in this video, but I’m almost more than sure that the working title for Bad Blood was “Katy Perry Is A Satanic Woman Who Has Led Millions To Hell!”
You may know so-called Christian activist Christine Weick from the hilarious classic comedy “Bottoms Up and the Devil Laughs” and now the 99 Cent Store God Warrior is back to tell Katy Perry’s father that he’s skipping down the highway to Hell with his daughter. Katy Perry’s Christian pastor dad Keith Hudson, who is giving me Elizabeth Taylor from AHS: Hotel glamour in that still above, did an interview with a radio station in Phoenix, Arizona where he called his daughter a “godly child.” Christine Wreck was listening to that interview and it set her off so she went to the radio station and waited for Pastor Keith in the lobby. When Pastor Keith came out, she pounced and said to him, “You’re the daughter of Katy Perry!” (I want that as my ringtone.)
Christine Wreck then went on a not-nearly-as-hot SHE IS NOT A CHRIS-CHEN-like rant where she rebuked Pastor Keith for not stopping his daughter from leading millions of children to the portals of the underworld with her music. Christine Wreck has condemned her own son to the depths of Hell for listening to Katy Perry’s music. This is like a really, really dark version of your friend’s mom having a serious talk with your mom because a PG-13 movie was shown during your slumber party.
Pastor Keith, who allegedly called Katy Perry a “devil child” during a sermon once, tried to reason with her and told her that she wasn’t acting very Christian-like. But he quickly learned that trying to reason with Christine Weick is like trying to reason with a drunk hyena. She went on and went on and declared Katy Perry’s video for E.T. a work of Satan.
Katy Perry should really hire Christine Wreck as her new publicist, because that mess made the E.T. video sound way more interesting than it is. I mean, Katy Perry has the sex with demons in it? I need to watch it again.
If you’re in Arkansas and see a brand new baby crawling toward the Name Changing Office, pick him up and help him fill out the forms, because he needs your damn help in a major way. Jessa Duggar and her husband Ben Seewald became parents to a baby boy a few days ago and they said it took them a while to pick out their kid’s name. During that time, they both must have gotten a concussion and jacked up their brains, because the name they chose is made of 100% potent WTF. They named him:
SPURGEON ELLIOT SEEWALD
For once, that is not a typo made by me. That is what they really named the human child who they are supposed to love. As if having Jim Bob as a grandpa isn’t bad enough. Now that kid’s gotta go through life with the first name Spurgeon. The 11th commandment should be Thou Shalt Not Name Your Kid Spurgeon.
SpurGeon SeeWald sounds like the name of SpongeBob SquarePants’ arch rival who lives in a coconut under the sea. Spuregon also sounds like the name of a surgeon who only operates on sperm.
In a video on TLC.com, Jessa and Ben said that they named their kid after Charles Spurgeon, who was a famous British preacher in the 1800s. Sure, they could’ve named their baby “Charles,” but then they probably wouldn’t have gotten a whole lot of attention and that would be a waste. This is what Charles Spurgeon looked like:
Dude looks like he plays the banjo in a hipster folk band from Brooklyn and I’d definitely hump on him at a bear bar, but I would not name my kid after him.
Oh well, at least Spurgeon Seewald will be homeschooled so he won’t have to deal with kids calling him “Spooge.” So, there’s that.
I should’ve known that this whole “Gavin Rossdale doing the nanny” thing would eventually make a sharp right turn into 90s thriller territory.
Mindy Mann (seen above singing “every step you take, every move you make,” to herself while walking behind her boss) didn’t only allegedly bone Gwen Stefani’s husband on the regular for three years. Mindy Mann was also supposedly obsessed with Gwen and would do everything she did. A source tells UsWeekly that Gwen hired Mindy, who is from Australia, as a nanny in 2008 after some friends (probably Ben Affleck) recommended her. Mindy apparently began to Stefani-ize herself. If Gwen did a certain diet, Mindy did it too. If Gwen bought a certain bag, Mindy bought it too. If Gwen sucked her husband’s dick, Mindy sucked it too. Mindy also hired a group of Asian women to silently follow her around. No, she didn’t do that. As far as I know, anyway.
The source says Gwen thought Mindy pulling a Single White Female was weird, but she didn’t really get suspicious until 2012. Paparazzi pictures came out of Gavin touching Mindy’s ass during a hike. At the time, everyone was told we were gross disgusting pervs, because that butt belonged to Gavin’s sister and he was helping her up. But it turns out it was Mindy, not his sister. (Where’s our apology, Gavin?!!!!!) Mindy also posted pictures Facebook of her done up like Gwen Stefani. The investigative team at the Peabody-worthy literary journal of integrity The Daily Mail put together several side-by-sides of Mindy and Gwen.
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) November 11, 2015
Gwen eventually found naked pictures that Mindy sent to Gavin. Gwen fired her and quit him.
If you threw 2 cups of Single White Female, 2 cups of Hand That Rocks The Cradle, a tablespoon of peroxide and a teaspoon of Vegemite into a blender, you’d get this story. If any of this is true, Gavin is the weirdest one for doing a cosplay version of his wife when he could’ve just humped the real thing. And I don’t know who Gwen Stefani’s best friend is, but they’re the Julianne Moore in this real-life Hand That Rocks The Cradle and should stay away from greenhouses for the rest of their life. Just look at the plants from afar, bitch.
Right now I’m wearing shorts, a t-shirt and flip-flops with socks (which I call the “Florida geisha” look). I look like trash but my outfit is black tie and tails compared to what Woody Harrelson wore to the Paris photo call for Hunger Games: La Révolte – Partie 2 today. Oh, the job of a famous multi-millionaire actor. This is one of the reasons why I side-eye a millionaire actor type when they go on and on about how hard their job is. Ho, please. They can show up to their job in their pajamas and everyone will call it quirky and cool. But if a regular showed up to their job in pajamas, they’d be called “mentally unstable” and security would escort them out of the building.
I don’t know if Woody Harrelson doesn’t give any fucks or gives too much fucks. He obviously knew he’d get all of the attention if he showed up dressed like you 10 minutes after getting home for work. Trick didn’t even wear shoes or slippers. You can’t go into many stores without shoes on, but Woody Harrelson’s special ass can show up to a work event without his hooves covered. You know, I would’ve loved this if he would’ve went all the way by accessorizing his eyeballs with bloodshot veins and decorated that shirt with Doritos crumbs. That would’ve truly made this look stoner chic.
And I guess today’s theme was “slumber party,” because Jennifer Lawrence wore old-timey sleeping clothes to the Hunger Games Paris premiere:
She looks like she should be holding a candelabra while slowly walking down the darkened hallway of a dilapidated mansion as she searches for the dark mysteries that live behind the walls. Bitch, you’re in the Hunger Games, not Crimson Peak!
The Lohans have been one of America’s first family of fuckery for a while now and those wrecks aren’t slowing down anytime soon. Lindsay Lohan is pathetically flashing a fake engagement ring for attention. Michael Lohan Jr. got arrested in NYC for allegedly using a fake “executive branch” place card on his car. And now Michael Lohan got his kids taken away by the Florida Department of Children and Families. White Oprah is not going to let them get all of the shine and I expect her to show them all up by stealing an orphan before drunkenly crashing into a jewelry store with a fake handicapped permit on her car.
Did you hear that Lindsay Lohan was spotted wearing a ring on THAT finger? Of course, you didn’t. LiLo did wear a ring on THAT finger, but absolutely nobody cared. Well, that’s not really true. Page Six cared, and Celebuzz cared and I cared enough to post about it, so that makes a total of three of us!
LiLo is still living in London, doing whatever it is the hell she does there, and she went to a Slutoween party at The Cuckoo Club (how fitting) last night dressed up like some kind of clearance section Frederick’s of Hollywood vampire cat burglar. Apparently, LiLo made sure that everyone saw the shiny ring on her engagement finger and she flaunted it while posing for pictures. But the only thing that LiLo is engaged to is desperation. That ring is straight from Van Cleef & Look At Me is made of 14k attention whore and a princess cut troll stone. Some source type said this to Page Six about LiLo’s sad ring stunt:
“She has lost her mind. She did it as a joke for her friends and wanted to see what people would do or say.”
Oh, how the mighty attention whores have fallen. LiLo has to resort to low-rent stunts like this (and like announcing she’s running for president on Instagram) to get attention. Just sad. Whatever happened to the days where she’d get attention by posing for Playboy and by giving us a fashion show at the court house and by hitting tricks in the head with a bottle at clubs and by playing a bootleg Liz Taylor in a Lifetime movie? What am I saying? We don’t want those days back. I better not encourage her to go back to that kind of fuckery. So, I’ll just say that this engagement ring stunt was really good. She really, really got us. Maybe she can get us again on April 1st by saying she’s pregnant on Facebook. We’ll totally fall for it.
And somewhere in London, a British socialite is wondering where her diamond ring is.
I was going to write about how Ricky Gervais is going to piss off more uptight actors when he hosts the Golden Globes again next year, but who cares about that when there’s highly important news about a real A-list star to cover!
Samantha Fox (or as those of you who were born after 1985 know her as, “Samantha WHO?!”) is currently on her world tour (read: she had one gig in Lithuania) and her private jet must have broken down, because she had to fly on something called Wizz Air. (“Whizz Air, you say?” – Gerard Depardieu) The Sun says the international pop superstar was kicked off of the flight from London to Lithuania because she was a drunken diva train wreck. A source says that the messiness all started when Samantha Fox had to pay £30 for an extra carry-on bag and didn’t get priority boarding at Luton Airport. One passenger said she screamed, “I shouldn’t have to queue with these people.” Well, she didn’t have to queue with those people, because she wasn’t allowed to board. A rep for Wizz Air wouldn’t say if Samantha Fox was the one who got told to take their drunk ass elsewhere, but did confirm that a passenger got kicked off for drinking a little too much of the sweet nectar.
“A passenger was offloaded due to abusive behaviour towards staff. The passenger seemed to be intoxicated. The effect can be worse in the air.”
Samantha Fox’s rep denied that she was boozed up and said that she was upset, because she paid the extra fee and yet those peasants in economy were allowed to board before her. They say an employee from Wizz apologized to her and put her on another flight.
Everybody in this story, except for Samantha Fox, is in the wrong! First of all, those mean passengers and staff need to find a way to grow a working heart, because Samantha Fox lost her partner of 12 years back in August so she’s probably vulnerable and emotional. Second of all, she’s right. She’s Samantha Fox, she shouldn’t have to wait in line with the regulars. Those uneducated fools should’ve recognized Samantha Fox and not only let her board first, but they should’ve taken another flight so she could have the plane all to herself. I swear, this world is filled with so many rude bitches who have zero respect. She’s Samantha Fox!
And honestly, I only posted this story so I’d have an excuse to post one of her old videos:
Dear Scrooge, Cruella de Vil and Captain Hook, please get on your knees and immediately worship at the evil feet of your new villainess hero.
Jennifer Connell has sued her 12-year-old nephew for causing her to break her wrist by hugging her a little too excitedly at his 8th birthday party. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or slow clap for her dark-hearted evil ways. But I do know that the next time I’m at a family party and I’m not in the mood for hugs from my relatives, I’ll just show them this story as a warning that their hug can lead me to me breaking my wrist which can lead to them having to sell their internal organs on the black market to pay me.