Lindsay Lohan, the Blanche DuBois of washed-up messes (because she always depends on the kindness of rich Arab men), is still living the high life in Europe and people are still inviting her to things. LiLo was a guest at the wedding of Justin Etzin (the ambassador of tourism for the Seychelles) and model Lana Zakocela in Florence, and she immediately brought the foolery by showing up in a white dress. LiLo told everyone the dress once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor. I think LiLo’s getting her Taylors confused. I think she meant that she stole the dress from a Lord & Taylor.
Page Six says that during the ceremony LiLo behaved like the polite swan we all know her to be by painting her nails and looking at her phone. The source says that LiLo checked out of the reception early and when she got back to her villa, she stripped down to her naked body and ran around while saying that someone drugged her drink.
The wedding was a 4-day long party and at one event, which had an Eyes Wide Shut theme, LiLo was the DJ. The source says she yelled at some trick for taking a picture of her, spoke in a British accent and played Brandy and Monica’s “The Boy Is Mine” over and over again. LiLo also claimed someone stole her jewelry. (SPOILER ALERT: It was Lindsay. Lindsay even steals her own jewelry.)
A rep for Justin Etzin claims that all of the above did not happen.
Most weddings are boring, but I’d go to any wedding that LiLo was a guest at. Who cares about the bouquet toss and listening to the best man slobber out some cheesy speech. I’d much rather watch LiLo run around naked while screaming in a British accent about how someone stole her necklace as hos in masks fucked around her (that’s what they mean by an “Eyes Wide Shut theme” right?) and “The Boy Is Mine” played on a loop.
P.S. – Playing “The Boy Is Mine” ten times in a row at someone else’s wedding is one of the funniest things LiLo has ever done. We already knew this, but now we really know to never accuse LiLo of having shame.
If the picture above is making you wonder “Who’s the long-lost Butabi brother?“, that’s Constantine Maroulis. Remember? He was on the fourth season of America Idol (you know, the one that Carrie Underwood won). He also did Rock of Ages and was nominated for a Tony award, which means he’s totally a Broadway STAR! He’s also apparently in need of Detective Olivia Benson and the Special Victim’s Unit, because according to Constantine Maroulis, his baby mama has been getting all kinds of abusive with him.
It all started on Wednesday, when Constantine Maroulis was arrested for domestic violence after he allegedly kicked his (now) ex-girlfriend and mother of his 4-and-a-half year old daughter Angel Reed in the crotch. Kicking someone in the clam is a pretty aggressive thing to do, but Constantine’s rep tells People that he only did it out of self defense because Angel is no Angel. The NYDN says that the fight happened because Constantine was trying to quit their six year relationship and move out of their house. Constantine’s rep says Constantine made a recording of the fight and he can be heard yelling at her to stop hitting him. No word on whether or not he also pulled a Bobby Hill by shouting “That’s my purse, I don’t know you” before he kicked her in the crotch. His rep adds:
“He has injuries on his upper thigh. He was trying to be a nice guy because he is the father of their child and he became the victim.”
Damn, where’s Bo Bice and his gorgeous conflict-calming shoulder-length hair of peace when you need it?
Even though New Jersey police hauled Constantine in and slapped him with a domestic violence arrest, he has gone ahead and filed a temporary restraining order against Angel. He’s also planning to file criminal charges against Angel. This isn’t exactly a new experience for Constantine; back in July, he filed papers stating that Angel Reed is a boozer and a beater. And according to TMZ, it’s not just Angel’s drinking and fighting that keep him awake at night; Constantine is also claiming that he fears for the safety of their daughter, Malena, because Angel has a bunch of criminals in her family tree. Yep, they dragged their kid into it. I’m sure Kelly Rutherford is making plans to have a “Congratulations! You’re officially fighting over your kid with your ex” fruit basket sent over to Constantine’s house as we speak.
Because Georgette the poodle from Oliver & Company is all the fancy Upper East Side I need in my life, I have never seen a single episode of Gossip Girl, so I literally only know Kelly Rutherford as the blonde lady who is fighting with her ex-husband over their kids. I’d say that gives me a completely different perspective on this situation, but no – it’s still just a giant ball of drama.
Last week, the blonde lady known as Kelly Rutherford didn’t return her two kids, Hermes and Helena, to their father and her ex-husband Daniel Giersch after a visit, at which point Danny screamed “KIDNAPPER!!!!” and things went all code blue man down. Currently Hermes and Helena, who I’m sure at this point would love to change their names to JanSport and Helen and run the fuck away from both their parents, are back in Monaco with their dad. To make this situation even messier, Kelly made an appearance on Good Morning America yesterday morning to talk about how the government keeps doing her dirty when it comes to her custody agreement. Kelly told Robin Roberts that she’s doing good, her kids are doing good, she’s been able to speak with them, and then she got all Lifetime-y.
“I swear, if her check bounces again, I’m done.” – Kelly Rutherford’s lawyer in that picture, probably.
Kelly Rutherford was ordered to show her face in a courtroom in NYC this morning after she refused to send her two children, Hermes and Helena, back to Monaco where they live with their dad Daniel Giersch. Kelly got to keep her kids in NYC for the summer, but when it came time to put them on a plane to Monaco, she said “fuck no” and kept them. Both California and New York rejected Kelly’s custody case, because they say that Monaco has jurisdiction. Kelly argued that since no state in the US has ordered her to return her children, she’s going to keep them and will not send them to Europe. Well, that changed today, because a court in NYC did order her to send them back to Monaco.
Those of us who thought that the train wreck custody battle between Kelly Rutherford and her ex-husband Daniel Giersch would eventually become a reboot of Not Without My Daughter were right when she refused to return her kids, Hermes and Helena, back to their dad in Monaco. As part of their custody agreement, Kelly got the kids for the summer in NYC and she was supposed to ship them back to their daddy, but she didn’t.
Daniel’s US Visa was revoked a while ago, but Kelly says that he can use his German passport to come to America to “exercise his parental rights” just as she has done in France and Monaco. So, Hermes and Helena are still in NYC and now their dad is calling Kelly a shameless kidnapper. It’s times like these when I want to thank my dad for busting out on us instead of turning me into a tug ‘o rope by getting into a disaster of a custody fight with my mom. Yes, I’m fucked up, but I may have turned out even more fucked up (yes, that’s possible, I think) if my parents pulled a Kelly and Daniel.
If you pulled your hungover self out of a puddle of booze-infused slobber and tears this morning, then your name is probably Dina Lohan and it’s just another weekday. Or you watched the entertaining circus of beautiful fuckery that was the Republican Presidential Debate last night. It was the weirdest and most confusing circle jerk I’ve ever seen.
The night started off with a bang when ranting merkin Donald Trump declared that he maaaay run independent, and then he blew another wet, slobbery air kiss at his longtime soulmate Rosie O’Donnell. One of the debate’s moderators, Megyn Kelly, brought up Jabba the Trump’s history of calling women he hates “fat pigs,” “dogs,” “slobs,” and “disgusting animals,” and he stopped her by saying, “Only Rosie O’Donnell.” And just like that, open mic night had officially started!
As the crowd ate that shit up, the corroded veins of my dead heart warmed, because it’s nice seeing that the love between Trump and Rosie O’Donnell is still alive after all these years.
But of course, Trump wouldn’t be Trump if he stopped there. The rejected Dick Tracy villain let Megyn Kelly know that he doesn’t like how she’s treated him before and he could open the library on her ass and read her from cover to cover, but he’s not going to do that. I expected him to look Megyn up and down and say, “Check your weave before you come and talk to me, bitch!”
The Juliet to Donald’s Romeo, Rosie O’Donnell, responded to what Trump said by tweeting: “try explaining that 2 ur kids.” I don’t know if she was talking about the shit Trump said about her or the shit on his head.
Trump continued to finger bang his own b-hole this morning by saying that his Rosie line won the night and he won the whole debate. Trump has left Rosie alone FOR NOW, but he continued to talk shit about Megyn Kelly on Twitter:
Wow, @megynkelly really bombed tonight. People are going wild on twitter! Funny to watch.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 7, 2015
And by “people,” I think he means the people he paid to talk shit about Megyn Kelly on Twitter.
But enough about Trump, here’s the First Lady of Gold Digging Trophy Wives, Melania Trump, giving you Peaches and Cream business woman glamour while arriving in Cleveland for the debate.
Pics: Getty, Splash
Bobbi Kristina Brown barely flew up to heaven to be with Nippy a few days ago, and you’d think that maybe the Houston and Brown families would put all their stupid bullshit aside for once and come together. But well, if People is telling the truth, they’re back to their messy ways.
Bobbi Kristina’s funeral is set for Saturday in Atlanta, GA. After the funeral, she will go to New Jersey to be laid to rest next to Whitney Houston. That’s apparently pretty much all the Houston and Brown families can agree on. A source tells People that there’s still many arrangements to be made, but the families are having a hard time agreeing on anything. That strong wind that hit all of them in the face hard is Whitney trying to slap some sense into them.
“Both sides [of the family] are still not happy and on the same page,” says the source of the Browns and Houstons. “There is a lot going on behind the scenes. There is a lot to do in a very short time.”
Adds another source: “Things are constantly changing.”
I’m not sure why they’re not on the same page. It seems like it would be pretty simple. Second Cousin Dionne Warwick will open with a song, Cissy Houston and Bobby Brown will close with a song, Aunt Tina will handle the refreshments and Nick Gordon won’t be around since he may be in a jail cell. Actually, scratch Aunt Tina from refreshments, because she shouldn’t be around glassware.
Cara Delevingne’s quick interview with Good Day Sacramento started off on the wrong side of awkward before she even spit out one word. The host called her “Carla” (the clip cut that part out) and Cara looked like she would rather be getting finger banged by a hawk than talk to three hosts from a Sacramento morning show. It was like many awkward first dates I’ve had, except it didn’t end with them having bad one-time sex for the hell of it.
Cara was doing a bunch of morning show interviews via satellite to promote Paper Towns, which I always read as “Paper Towels.” (“Paper Towels” sounds like a riveting biopic about the life and times of the Brawny Man.) One of the hosts asks Cara if she read the book the movie is based on and she dipped her answer in syrupy sarcasm before throwing it at them. From there, it gets worse, or better for those of you who like to work out your jaw by cringing.
Donald Trump’s Lawyer Goes Crazy On Reporters For Writing About Ivana Trump’s “Rape” Allegation (UPDATE)
The glamorous power of the choker and an exquisite ruffled bridesmaids cocktail dress. They look stunning even next to that soggy clump of doggy butt hair. But I digress….
During Donald Trump and Ivana Trump’s divorce fight in the 90s, she used the word “rape” to describe some violent and terrifying shit she went through one night in 1989. Ivana claimed that Trump went insane on her after getting a painful scalp reduction surgery to remove a bald spot. (I think the doctors accidentally removed whatever was left of his brain too.) Ivana once used the same plastic surgeon that Trump used to get his bald spot removed, so he blamed her and freaked out on her. Trump pulled out fistfuls of hair from her scalp and forced her to have sex. Ivana said it was a “violent assault.” Ivana later said that she didn’t mean she was raped in the literal sense. She meant that she was emotionally violated. Author Harry Hurt III wrote about the assault in the Trump biography titled “The Lost Tycoon,” which came out in 1993.
The Daily Beast wanted to write about the allegation because of Jabba the Trump’s comments about how Mexico is importing rapists and drug dealers into the US. The Daily Beast talked to one of Trump’s lawyers, Michael Cohen, about it and the shit, piss, vomit and blood hit the fan. You know that saying? “He is his father’s son.” Well, Michael Cohan is his client’s lawyer. That doesn’t really make sense, but you know what I mean. Michael Cohen went full Donald Trump on The Daily Beast’s asses.
Seen above looking like a Predator working the prosthetic butt that Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House, Khloe Kartrashian is on the cover of
Komplex Complex and in the interview, she brings the heave-summoning jacked-up foolery in heavy doses. Khloe defends Kylie Jenner’s relationship with PedoTyga and also tells us what it sounds like when Pimp Mama Kris fucks. If you really don’t feel like torturing your stomach and soul, skip the words that Khloe sharted up and watch this video of a bull dog trying to climb into a tiny folding chair instead. That bulldog works the “ass out, head over shoulder” pose a million times better than Khlozilla does.