Last night, executives at Katy Perry’s label tore up her contract while screaming, “Well, what do we have then?!”, after she told Jimmy Kimmel that she’s sick of doing sexy videos where her tits are hanging out. Katy told late-night STUNT QUEEN Jimmy Kimmel that his “biggest twerk fail ever” stunt inspired her to prank real children’s birthday parties for the video for her new single “Birthday.” Katy went undercover as 5 of the worst birthday entertainers and one of them was a trashy, drunk, thug clown (no, not Justin Bieber) who ruined a kid’s birthday party. That sounds like a fitting and a totally sensical video concept for a song that’s basically about how Katy Perry’s going to let her birthday boyfriend titty fuck her before he eats cake frosting off of her twat. Here’s a piece of the lyrics:
So let me get you in your birthday suit
It’s time to bring out the big balloons
So let me get you in your birthday suit
It’s time to bring out the big, big, big, big, big, big balloons
Boy, when you’re with me
I’ll give you a taste
Make it like your birthday everyday
I know you like it sweet
So you can have your cake
Give you something good to celebrate
Anyway, Katy played Kimmel a clip where she traumatizes the children by failing to hit the pinata before stumbling into the street where she “causes” a car accident. Katy’s whole act was staged, but TMZ says that none of the children or parents were in on it. TMZ posted a longer clip and they say that scars grew on those children’s innocence as they cried and asked to go home.
Since my heart is a pile of dried-up vulture shit, I smile whenever I see kids crying over clowns, but those kids are total drama queens. So a drunk in a jacked-up outfit took over the pinata stick and ruined the party? Big deal. That happened at all of my birthday parties growing up. It could’ve been a lot worse and Katy could’ve really given those chirrun a reason to cry. I mean, she could’ve performed that “Birthday” song live for them.
If 2004 Gwen Stefani swallowed a neon green bucket full of Ke$hit’s juicy queefs and swallowed it down with Skrillex’s wet burps and a candy necklace that Keroppi used as anal beads, she’d get the serious heaves and then barf out this video for Avril Lavigne’s ear-killing song “Hello Kitty.”
I was going to say that Avril is pretty much 30 going on 13, but two of my cousins are 13 and they’d rather be seen at the movies with their parents on a Saturday night than be seen in a goddamn pink ruffled skirt with cupcakes on it. This Hello Kitty butt dingle of a video is such a horrific abomination that Canada needs to immediately issue an apology to Japan.
The song is the perfect thing to listen to when you want the answer to the question, “Can ears actually bleed blood?”, (SPOILER ALERT: Listening to this wreck will prove that the answer is YES) and of course Chad Kroeger is a co-writer on it. Only the 12-year-old mind of Avril Lavigne and the Monster Energy Drink-infused brain of Chad Kroeger could come up with these poignant lyrics:
Mom’s not home tonight
So we can roll around, have a pillow fight
Like a major rager OMFG
Let’s all slumber party
Like a fat kid on a pack of Smarties
Someone chuck a cupcake at me
Avril Lavigne is practically 30 and she’s spitting out lyrics that a 12-year-old one consider too immature. Chad Kroeger is married to her. Chris Hansen needs to ask both of them to have a seat.
And here’s 2 things I would rather do than listen to that song again:
1. Listen to a Nickelback song (it’s that serious).
2. Shove a lighter wand in my ear and pull the trigger.
While looking like a malnourished and derpy bumblebee that flew into a cup of Tang, Denise Richards left a Rite Aid in Calabasas, CA yesterday with Easter shit and a whole lot of bags of circus peanuts which she’s going to melt down and slather onto her skin so she stays the exact shade of Sean Penn’s leathery orange ass lips. Yes, Denise looks like Tan Mom’s overcooked clit and she’s skinnier than the vein on a fly’s dick, but I guess you too wouldn’t really want to put food in your mouth and would lose your appetite if you had Charlie Sheen’s split-open herp sore of a face screaming at you on a daily basis.
Charlie Sheen is threatening to stop Denise’s child support and he’s trying to kick her and his girls out of the house he owns, because his skank trash fiancee is jealous of her. So one of the dangers of dealing with Charlie’s crazy is that it’ll leave you looking like a roasted baby carrot.
And just like that, thousands of psychiatrists who have never treated Donnie Wahlberg just diagnosed him with psychotic depression and severe masochism. Their evidence? He asked the silicone-brained stick of dull wax that is Jenny McCarthy to marry him.
Today on The View, a relic from the 90s that won’t go away announced to the cackling hyenas around her that she’s getting married to a relic from the 90s who can still fill the panties of 30-somethings with crotch pudding. Back peddaler Jenny McCarthy showed off the yellow sapphire and diamond ring that I hope Donnie Wahlberg bought at Claire’s, because New Kids on the Block’s only got so many reunions tours in them and he shouldn’t waste his cash on some shit that’ll be pawned off in a couple of years (I’m being generous) after the divorce. Jenny told the hysterical hens that after dating for about a year, Donnie proposed last weekend with help from her son Evan. Here’s the clip of Jenny announcing she’s getting pre-divorced and as that blonde enema full of crazy did an obnoxious “YAY” dance, the Wahlbergs all cried themselves into a giant puddle of woe. They already have one crazy in their family (see: Marky Mark) and now they’ve got two.
Somewhere, Donnie is having ear plugs surgically installed in his ear holes, because he knows that it’s the only way he’ll be able to fully deal with a crazy bitch who thought he liked dick, because he didn’t try to wet hump her two seconds after meeting her.
And Donnie has hung out with Jenny and her fellow anti-vaxxers for a year and hasn’t caught the measles yet, which tells me he’s been vaccinated, which brings a smile out of my face, because Jenny has obviously swallowed some vaccine-infused jizz.
Kendall Jenner’s LOOK AT ME gene is strong and her fame whore mentor Kim Kardashian taught her that if she makes herself look like a huge asshole everyone will blog about it (I know, I always hate myself for falling for those pack of whores’ tricks) and she’ll become a trending topic on Twitter, so she wore a jumbo nose ring and earring chain to some Coochella Lacoste party yesterday. A reality trick who probably doesn’t know 99% of the bands there paired with a Lacoste coconut and a touch of cultural appropriation is the equation that equals Coachella.
Pimp Mama Kris’ future prized ho is doing the most and is trying to hard to snatch away Vanessa Hudgens’ Try Hard Queen of Coachella floral and bindi-encrusted crown. So she put on a nose ring chain that’s got me singing (to the tune of Diana Ross’ “Reach Out and Touch”), “Reach out and yank some trick’s nose ring, make this world a better place…” KenDULL is 18 and when I was 18, I looked like a dumb mess (and yes, I typed that as a grown up while wearing a He-Man t-shirt and bleach-stained cut-off sweat shorts), but even I knew not to try to replicate Jane Child’s signature look. If the children of America learn one thing it should be to not try this:
Here’s more of KenDULL and that other one at Coachella on Saturday and Sunday. Those “American Horror Story: Coven collection by Anthropologie” outfits….. Stevie Nicks saw those pictures and immediately torched her entire closet. She’s only going to wear khakis and cotton t-shirts from now on. KenDULL ruined black lace for her.
I know – Blanche Devereaux would NEVER; I mean, that old slut would probably try, but Sophia would remind her that a true lady never flashes her satin-wrapped snapper without first being treated to the early bird special at Red Lobster. And since I see no Cheddar Bay Biscuit crumbs on her chichis, there’s clearly no Sophia in Rihanna’s life to tell her to put on some damn pants (Drake is really more of a Rose Nylund). But I should give RiRi some credit, because she was the only person with enough foresight to know that the MTV Movie Awards were going to be a sleepy snoozefest last night and came dressed ready to pop a couple Ambien and call it a night. “Fuck it, it’s not worth putting on pants.” – RiRi to her stylist.
Here’s more of the Barbadian Grace Kelly at the MTV Movie Awards, as well as a bunch of other tricks who’s event-appropriate clothing couldn’t hold a candle to the class and alagance of RiRi’s granny panties. But some came close, like Pia Mia dressed as a rich white girl’s idea of a chola, Rachel Antonoff as Peaches n’ Cream Col. Sanders, and a drunk-looking Leslie Mann (always the look):
I would think that Katy Perry wouldn’t want to dye her hair mold green since it would remind her of the slimy swamp smegma that drips out of John Mayer’s dick, but she said she was going to go slimer green, so she kept her promise. Katy threw this picture up on Instagram of her looking like Oscar the Grouch’s Emo daughter. I hate that booger green color and mostly because it brings back the painful and traumatic memories of when I shit green for two days and thought I was dying or had fungus growing in my asshole. Yes, I probably have fungus growing in my asshole, but the green shit was from a black cherry slushie from Burger King. So thanks for that, Katy.
If you knew about this plasticized anime alien mess and forget about her, I apologize for bringing her back into your nightmares tonight. If you have no idea who this plasticized anime alien mess is, I apologize for introducing her to your nightmares tonight. Valeria Lukyanova is the Ukrainian creature who looks like a hybrid of a Barbie and a jointed snake toy, and got a lot of attention for being one of the only living things that can make Kim Kardashian look human by comparison. Valeria does herself up like a CGI porn alien and believes she can travel out of her body. Michael Idov of GQ went to the Ukraine to interview her ass and he shockingly learned that a trick who looks she escaped from Area 51 and has gone days where she only eats air (“Me too!” – Posh “Me three!” – Goop) is a total crazy bitch. Who knew?!
Valeria spit out some shit that’s not that crazy (example: she hates kids), but then she said that bi-racial people are killing the true definition of real beauty. Jade the bi-racial butterfly just spread her wings and flew on over to the Ukraine to shit on her.
On why she’s against race-mixing: “For example, a Russian marries an Armenian. They have a kid, a cute girl, but she has her dad’s nose. She goes and files it down a little, and it’s all good. Ethnicities are mixing now, so there’s degeneration, and it didn’t used to be like that. Remember how many beautiful women there were in the 1950s and 1960s, without any surgery? And now, thanks to degeneration, we have this. I love the Nordic image myself. I have white skin; I am a Nordic type—perhaps a little Eastern Baltic, but closer to Nordic.”
On how the only thing she’ll ever give birth to is a giant bundle of fucking crazy: “The very idea of having children brings out this deep revulsion in me. Most people have children to fulfill their own ambitions, not to give anything. They don’t think about what they can give this child, what they can teach her. They just try to shape her according to some weird script—whatever they couldn’t do in life, like becoming a writer or a doctor. Or some woman who’s almost 30 and thinks no one needs her, she says, ‘Oh, I’ll have a kid. He will love me and become my reason to live.’ And then this kid becomes a soccer ball she and her boyfriend will kick back and forth. I’d rather die from torture, because the worst thing in the world is to have a family lifestyle.”
On if she’s a feminist: “I’m against feminism. But what would you keep the children for? So they can get you a glass of water when you’re on your deathbed?”
The hell is Prussian Blue Barbie even saying in that last quote. I’ve seen CAPTCHA sentences that make more sense than that shit. Bitch has no idea what feminism is and who wants water on their deathbed? If I’m on my deathbed, I want booze, bitch. Water being your last drank? That just goes to show you how crazy this mess is, because that’s full crazy.
And Mel Gibson’s irises just turned into two heart shapes and his eyelashes are fluttering like a dove’s wings, because he has finally found his one true love. But she’s still not going to blow him before Jacuzzi, because this crazy bitch only puts air in her mouth.
Somewhere in between summoning the blood out of our ear holes with her “music“ and “writing” a Christian parenting book, Farrah Abraham found time to put her name on a trilogy of erotic novels which was obviously ghostwritten by a person who can do two things that she can’t do: read and write. Farrah’s first erotic novel “Celebrity Sex Tape” is based on the
sex tape porn she made with James Deen. Farrah’s book will most likely be the literary equivalent of the butt syrup that squirted out of her ass after James Deen sexed her in there and it’s going to make Fifty Shades of Grey look like it was written by Jane Austen. But Backdoor Farrah thinks it’s better than Fifty Shades of Grey and is such a literary masterpiece that she doesn’t want Hollywood to ruin it by making it into a movie. Backdoor Farrah squirted out this warm load of delusion to Celebuzz:
“I would love for it to actually just stay in a book. Because a lot of stories I have read that are turned into movies aren’t as good or portrayed as well. So I really enjoy reading and I enjoy making stories so that they’re more compelling while you’re reading it.”
But Backdoor Farrah says that if it HAS to be turned into a movie, she thinks Jessica Alba should play Fallon Opal, the character she based on herself. (Side note: Mary Fisher must be Farrah’s ghost writer, because only thee Mary Fisher could come up with a name like Fallon Opal.)
“If it were turned into a movie, which I think would also be awesome in its own sense, I just know I would have Jessica Alba play Fallon Opal. I think she’s very relatable to myself and Fallon Opal, and I think she’s had a very good career and I would trust her playing that part.”
MiserAlba is a shit actress, but even she’s too good of an actress to play Backdoor Farrah. MiserAlba is better than that and she was in The Eye! The only thing that can perfectly capture the dead eye-ness and hallowed-out soul of Backdoor Farrah is an out-of-commission, coin-operated plastic toy supermarket horse. Even then, Megan Fox would have to teach it to be less life-like.
Jennifer Love Hewitt has a 4-month-old baby, a husband and a vajazzle addiction to feed, so she’s back out on the ho stroll to make that money. Kaley Cuoco’s desperate mess idol came out for the L.A. launch party for the line of maternity clothes she designed (read: put her name on and collected a check) for A Pea in a Pod. Because JLove never talks about her weight and body, she talked about her weight and body with E! News and says that she did the line for A Pea in a Pod to empower women. Oh, JLove, you have a crazy way of saying “to empower my checking account.”
On trying to lose the chunk after birthing a human: “It’s hard, it’s really hard. And I wasn’t sure where I was going to fall and what was going to happen and how I was going to feel. It just feels great to sort of be honest about the fact that it is tough and these clothes make it a little easier, make me feel beautiful. I’m still in a lot of my pregnancy clothes and there is just where I feel good right now. Everything hasn’t returned back to where I want it to be and put on my other clothes and feel good about that.”
On people talking shit about people’s clothes is the reason why she put her name on a line of clothes for the knocked up set: “We’re sort of in this odd time in our society right now where women are not being nice to each other. We’ve got a lot of reality stuff where people being mean to each other and, fashion-wise, people are talking bad about each other. I thought, ‘What a beautiful place to put my energy?’ Make a line for women, by a woman, who actually wants them to feel great and feel beautiful and look fantastic and look better than everyone walking around, especially at a time when you cannot feel very good about yourself.”
I’m not going to talk shit about JLove’s clothes, but I am going to talk shit about THAT UGLY ASS GUINEA PIG HAIR. After years of whispering to ghosts, couldn’t one of those ghosts returned the favor by whispering the word “NO” into her ear when she turned around and saw herself in the salon mirror for the first time after going blonde? I know some hos think that going blonde is going to make them look like a bombshell, but sometimes it can make you look like a third-tier 80s rocker whose body was just pulled out of a bathtub after lying there for days. But in JLove’s defense, she just had a baby. That barf color is the perfect color of hair to have when you’re taking care of a new baby. Because when your baby barfs on your hair, all you have to do is just rub it in and keep your day moving.