When part-time singer/full-time social media mess Demi Lovato returned to Twitter on Tuesday after a 24-hour hiatus from “sayin shit” and “the haters“, she promised that she was coming back “more honest than ever.” In Demi Speak, that usually means she’s going to start ranting so loud, even the Ghost of Coked-Up Demi Past would be like “Girl, stop, you’re giving me a headache.” And last night she delivered on that promise.
And it’s obvious that something is TOM BRADY!
In movies and most interviews, Ben Affleck makes a rock look like it’s full of complex emotions and feelings. But when you bring up Tom Brady and Tom Brady’s deflating balls, Ben Affleck comes alive and will let the raw emotions ooze out of every one of his pores. HBO’s new sports talk show Any Given Wednesday with Bill Simmons premiered last night, and the Botoxed Easter Island statue broke out of his stony exterior and stroked Tom Brady’s dick so hard that Tom is going to need a dick skin graft, because Ben stroked it all off.
If you’ve sold whatever soul you have left to be on a hit reality show, your contract with Satan usually states that you must do one of the following:
- Get a DUI
- Commit child abuse
- Beat a bitch with a bottle in the club
- Terrorize innocent ear drums by releasing a dance song
- Pull some fraud shit
Abby Lee Miller of Lifetime’s Dance Moms has already completed the second one since she regularly strengthens the dark orb of evil in her chest by feeding off of the fear of the little girls she yells at. But I guess she wanted bonus points with Satan, because she also completed the last one.
Future and Ciara, seen above long before they sued each other for millions of dollars and dragged each other on social media, appeared to have come one step closer to ending their dramatic messy feud.
Back in February, Ciara slapped her former fiancé and father of her 2-year-old son Future Zahir with a $15 million defamation lawsuit. Ciara claimed Future damaged her reputation by saying she was a crappy mom. Future slapped back with a counter-suit, claiming you can’t ruin the career of someone who doesn’t have a career anymore. Last month, Future was awarded shared custody of Future Jr. It sounds like spending more time with their kid has calmed his thirst for revenge against Future Jr.’s mommy, because TMZ says that he’s dropped his counter-suit.
According to sources close to Future, who I’m guessing are his close friends Past and Present (I deserve all the groans for that one), he’s afraid that if he pursues that counter-suit, Ciara will get revenge by taking him back to court, which could mess up their current custody agreement. Future is really happy that he gets to spend more time with their son, so he decided to stop poking at the bee’s nest and drop his lawsuit. Ciara, however, is still suing Future for $15 million.
I don’t have kids, so I can’t say for sure if spending more time with them is better than trying to destroy your ex-fiancée in court. But I have spent three days in jury duty selection before. The memory of being stuck in a boring-ass court room watching five sweaty adults fight over the last uncompleted Sudoku puzzle still haunts me. So personally, I too would take changing poopy training pants and watching Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood till I saw cartoon tigers in my nightmares. I think you chose wisely, Future.
On Friday, Johnny Depp’s side and Amber Heard’s side will be in court for a hearing to decide whether or not her temporary restraining order against him becomes permanent. The court reporter scheduled to work that hearing has already breathed out a giant sigh of relief over not having to control their heaves while inhaling a thick cloud of decaying teeth fumes, because Johnny is reportedly going to keep his mouth mostly shut and plead the fifth out of fear that his words will be used to charge him with domestic abuse. Johnny is not going to testify and now TMZ is reporting that another thing isn’t going to happen during that hearing. Amber’s lawyer will not fight for her to temporarily get $50,000 a month in spousal support.
Since Whitney Houston’s estate popped the doody bubble that was the hologram that looked nothing like her, The Voice needed to replace that creepy duet with something, so they called in the country’s most wanted donut terrorist Ariana Grande!
Before Curly Sue (birth certificate name: Alisan Ann Porter) became America’s sweetheart once again by winning The Voice for Team Christina, her coach got into a screaming match with Ariana Grande. While dressed like a Televangelist Bratz doll, Ariana sang her new single “Into You” before going into “Dangerous Woman.” Everything was going fine until Xtina prowled out with hair that was supposed to say, “I was freshly fucked,” but instead said, “I was freshly jumped by a pack of raccoons who like to pull hair.” That hair is very “Beth Chapman after getting attacked by a swarm of bees.” That hair was a preview for the messiness that was about to go down.
After Xtina did her part, Ariana turned up the volume on her vocal cords and it became clear that it was about to become a battle of the yodels and the only casualties would be our eardrums. Ariana and Xtina trying to TKO each other with their belts starts off at around the 3:33 mark below:
Ariana Grande and Christina Aguilera teamed up on The Voice for Into You/Dangerous Woman! Incredible! 👸🏼👸🏼 https://t.co/E1hx0F2FK3
— Shady Music Facts (@musicnews_shade) May 25, 2016
All those growls, runs and whooooos. It sounds like a brawl between a frog, a cat and an owl while sky diving. They sound how Xtina’s hair looks. That said, it was the performance of the night and I’d rather Xtina and donut hater fist me in the ears without lube by trying to outdo each other than listen to Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s duet again.
Because we’re on the subject of Grande messes, here’s hyper troll doll Frankie Grande in a denim onesie at a Disney event earlier this month:
Just when this whole Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne breaking up ESCANDALO was dying down and the media was moving on, Kelly Osbourne has stepped onto the stage and has kept it alive by dousing it with gallons of pure liquid foolery. If this entire thing really is a shameless stunt to promote The Talk and Black Sabbath’s tour, then Sharon Osbourne should give Kelly a huge bonus, because she sicced her followers on her dad’s supposed ex-side ho and has screamed “ELDER ABUSE!”
I don’t know what’s better: That awkward picture of Charlize Theron and Sean Penn looking like they would rather be hugging a bitchy grizzly bear who hates intimacy or the reviews for his new movie The Last Face.
There’s a good reason for why it looks like Charlize Theron is awkwardly consoling Sean Penn at a funeral. She kind of is. Sean Penn directed The Last Face, which is about the head of an international aid organization (Charlize Theron) and a relief doctor (Javier Bardem) who fall in love while trying to save the people of Liberia. That movie sounds like forty five layers of NOPE. If I had to choose between watching The Last Face and a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon, I’d pre-schedule a confessional with a priest to apologize for the unholy sins I was about to commit and I’d start watching the staged antics of Pimp Mama Kris and her hos. But now I kind of want to see The Last Face after reading some of the reviews.
The Last Farce (typo and it stays) screened at Cannes, and the critics tore it apart, torched its remains and then put the flames out with their piss. They laughed and booed. It’s apparently as steamingly stinky as a reporter’s turd baking on an Arizona front lawn. Indiewire and The Wrap posted a collection of the awful reviews the movie got, but this tweet sums it up:
Is it possible Charlize Theron saw a rough cut of THE LAST FACE and *then* ended things with Sean Penn? I would.
— Guy Lodge (@GuyLodge) May 20, 2016
Sean claims he doesn’t care about the crap reviews, but that sad tomato face he made at his movie’s Cannes premiere said otherwise. And I’m telling myself that in the picture above, Charlize kicked the flame-broiled pickled sausage while he was down by whispering in his ear, “And by the way, I faked it. Every. Single. Time.”
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Kanye West shot an appearance on Ellen (it aired today), and they really should’ve temporarily changed the show’s name to KANYE! During her interview time with Kanye, Ellen DeGeneres should’ve just quietly exited stage left and chilled out in her dressing room until he was done (which would’ve been the day after never), because he took control. At one point, Kanye turned away from Ellen and addressed the audience as though he was giving a TED Talk if TED stood for Titanic-sized Egomaniacal Delusions.
Yesterday, we learned that yet another lit match had been thrown on the already out-of-control tire fire that is the election when Michael linked to a story about Wendell Pierce (aka Bunk from The Wire) getting arrested for allegedly whooping on a Bernie Sanders supporter. Well, we know more details, and if you can believe it, the situation is about six times weirder than reading the words “Bunk from The Wire getting arrested for allegedly whooping on a Bernie Sanders supporter.”