Category: MESS

Sherri Shepherd’s Ex Won’t Stop Talking About The Surrogate Baby She “Abandoned”

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Lamar Sally, the shameless gold-digging grifter who’s currently trying to scam child support money out of Sherri Shepherd for a surrogate baby he helped make solely for the purpose of trying to scam child support money, gave an EXCLUSIVE interview to People (aka People found him loitering in the parking lot and felt sorry for him) regarding said baby and his relationship with the baby’s mother. No, not his surrogate mother, his REAL MOTHER – the one who wants nothing to do with him!

Lamar told People that ever since lil’ Lamar Sally Jr. (I guess Son of Useless Shitbag was already taken?) was born via-surrogate on August 5th, his estranged wife hasn’t made an attempt to meet her son. You know, the son she believes was conceived as an excuse for Lamar to take an 18-year-long all-expenses-paid life vacation. Even though Lamar Jr. wasn’t made using Sherri’s eggs and Sherri has shown zero interest in him, Lamar Sr. claims he’s fighting to add Sherri’s name to the baby’s birth certificate because he truly believes Lamar Jr. needs to know who his mommy is:

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Beyonce, Please Sashay Away

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

During one of the last shows of her and Jay-Z’s Stunt Queen Spectacular World Tour in Paris, Beyonce dropped her mic and kind of sort of forgot to keep lip-synching. If this was a lip-synch for your life, bitch would’ve committed lip-synch suicide. I’m sure the BumbleBeys will scream and say that she’s singing with a backing track and it’s impossible for her to sing all out, because the ears of us mere mortals cannot take her all-powerful nightingale angel voice. But I know what’s really going on here. Not only is Beyonce a master performer, a master singer, a master actress (HA), a master mother, a master wig wearer, a master credit taker, a master copy + paster, a master stunt artiste and a master (insert everything I missed here which is a million miles long since she’s a master at everything), but she’s also a master ventriloquist. Beyonce can sing out in her full singing voice without moving her lips. She does this so she can bless her BumbleBeys in the front row with her holy smile. Beyonce is THAT talented. I bet Miss Ohio is her coach.

I had to put the video behind the cut, because it embeds all wonky on the main page. Blame the Illuminati.

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The City Of Toronto Won’t Get A Two-Term Drunken Crackhead Mayor After All

September 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Sad news for those of you who were looking forward to another four beautiful years of watching the human crack rock in Dollarama Chris Farley drag stumble around like a giant vodka-chugging drug-smoking baby. The Globe and Mail says that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has withdrawn from the mayoral race. The grown-up garbage pail kid is currently laid-up in the hospital with an abdominal tumor (aka a 10lb crack rock that got stuck on a piece of ham in his lower intestine) but he released a statement saying that he’s no longer pursuing re-election, however he’ll still be running for a seat in city council. He also said he’s giving his place in the mayoral race to his brother Doug Ford, a dude who looks like the definition of a shady tip-stealing strip club owner.

This all comes literally 3 days after convicted rapist and visual representation of bad decisions, Mike Tyson, publicly endorsed Rob Ford in his run for re-election. You know, before he lost his shit on live TV and called a reporter a ‘rat piece of shit’. “Ooh, that’s a good one! I’ll have to remember that for the next time I go on a crackie rant!” – Rob Ford.

So there you have it; the little drug-fueled engine that could barely is pulling into the station for good. I feel like now is a good time for someone to make an ‘In Memoriam’ video featuring a slow-motion montage of the human ball of sweat’s greatest moments as mayor set to the song “Gold in Them Hills“. Rob Ford running into a news camera. Rob Ford running into a fire hydrant. Rob Ford running through city hall and knocking over an elderly council member. Rob Ford trying to run on a football field and falling on his ass. There’s just so much footage to pick from. He’s like a one-man America’s Funniest Home Video segment.

And is it just me, or does it look like Mayor McCheese has lost a little bit of weight? Maybe someone’s cut off his food supply at home.

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The Palin Family Might’ve Been Involved In A Good Old Fashioned Drunken Brawl At A Snowmobile Party

September 11, 2014 / Posted by:

That headline alone should make you want to drive yourself to the ER to be treated for an overdose of class.

Several Alaskan blogs claim that the First Family of Alaskan Messiness were the stars of a drunken 20-person Saturday night brawl which ended with a shirtless Track Palin flipping people off in the street while Todd Palin held his bloody nose. Since you can see Alaska from Russia, I pray one of those Russian dash cams recorded this glorious display of pure Palin classiness.

Amanda Coyne (via Mediate) says that it all started when the Palins showed up in a stretch Hummer to an Iron Dog snowmobile party at a house in Anchorage. As soon as Track Palin got out of the Hummer, he spotted an ex-boyfriend of Willow Palin and he turned on the crazy all the way. Apparently, Track doesn’t like the dude and the two verbally fought for a bit. Their argument led to the owner of the house, 2010 Iron Dog winner Chris Olds, getting involved and that’s when shit really got real Wasilla-style.

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Lindsay Lohan Is Getting Sued For The 1,394,244th Time

September 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Stop me if you’ve heard this one (no really, stop me – I CAN’T with this felonious freckled grifter anymore). Lindsay Lohan has once again turned a shady trick on the wrong person and now she’s getting sued, except this time she’s also dragging her younger brother Michael Jr. into it. Congrats on your first lawsuit, Michael Jr., you’re officially your father’s son!

Page Six says that shortly after she left rehab last year, the Apricot Ashtray and her younger brother started working with tech entrepreneur Fima Potik on a mobile app called Spotted Friend, which would allow people to poke around in Blohan’s virtual closet and see the kind of designer shit she’s virtually stolen. She even started prom0ting her new tech venture on Twitter back in July 2013, because she’s basically the coked-up version of Steve Jobs. But just like everything Lindsay gets involved in (singing, fashion design, sobriety) she lost interest and Spotted Friend became just another hazy memory (like sobriety). »

And These Are The Next Thirteen “Stars” Competing On Dancing With The Stars

September 4, 2014 / Posted by:

I agree, that title was misleading. It should have said “DANCE LEGEND CARLTON BANKS AND EXQUISITE FRAGGLE PRINCESS BETSEY JOHNSON as well as who cares it doesn’t matter Will Be On Dancing With The Stars”, but that felt a little long.

The cast of the 19th season (oh my god, 19 seasons, what are we doing with our lives) of ABC’s Dancing With The Stars was announced on GMA this morning by Tom Bergeron, and I hope the Emmy Awards committee was watching, because Tom gave the performance of a lifetime. Not once did he break character and ask “Who?” or “Wait, WHO???” when announcing the thirteen has-beens and never-wases picked by ABC. Seriously, give him all the Emmys next year; the man is a high-level thespian.

So who are the thirteen “stars” who have agreed to participate in this mess? No, really, who are they – I have no fucking idea. NO! That was a cheap shot; at least 4 or 5 of these people are legit celebrities (or at least celebrity-adjacent). »

Sherri Shepherd Tried To Pay Her Ex $100,000 To Go Away

September 3, 2014 / Posted by:

I know we still technically have 4 months left, but I’m confident in my ability to recognize outstanding achievement in next-level dramatic crazy to declare Sherri Shephed the winner of 2014′s Messiest Divorce. First she makes the mistake of hooking up with an unemployed gold digger named Lamar Sally (a name which has always sounded like a regional chain of discount beauty supply stores). Then she claims Lamar built their relationship on a pile of LIES and she quits that bitch. Then she quits the surrogate carrying her and Lamar’s baby after it’s revealed that Lamar (2014′s Most Shameless Gold Digger) only wanted the surrogate baby to get that lucrative child support cash. Sherri’s split has truly been the definition of the word MESSY. The only thing missing is the appearance of Sherri’s long-lost twin sister Terri and a sinister man wearing a leather eye-patch named “Caboto St. James”, and you’d have an episode of Passions.

Obviously, Sherri wanted to sweep this messy dog dookie of a divorce under the rug before it starts smelling more than it already does, so Radar says that Sherri cut Lamar a check for $100,000, as well as the promise of $3000 a month in child support in an attempt to get him the fuck out of her life. The only problem is she clearly doesn’t understand the level of thirsty gold digging to which Lamar is working, and he turned the money down. Radar also says that Sherri and Lamar have an “ironclad prenup” that denies him from collecting spousal support, but he’s contesting it in a court of law.

Sherri shouldn’t be the least bit surprised that Lamar turned down the cash. Are you new here, Sherri??? $100,000??? You’re dealing with Lamar Sally, the man who hired a surrogate just so he could have a guaranteed check coming his way every month for 18 years; he’s not going to settle for a measly $100,000 and a couple grand every month. Duh! I’m nowhere near completing my PhD in Dirty Digging, but even I know $100,000 is an insult.

And stay tuned for the conclusion of this messy shit show, which will no doubt end with Lamar caught in the middle of a dramatic love triangle between Caboto St. James and Terri.

Like A Can Of Biscuits Exploding In Slow Motion….

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Dear Kanye,

Thank you for this. Just thank you.

Love,
The world

Kanye West might be a tampon dipped in liquid delusion, but when it comes to making the world barf up a river of HAHAHAs by making Kim Kartrashian look as ridiculously messy as possible, he’s the master. Kanye continued to do great work tonight by doing Kim up like an S&M medieval mermaid who just swallowed a seal whole and is having a bitch of a time trying to pass it. Kim wore this beautiful and stunning ensemble to the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London where she was named Woman of the Year. Yes, I mean to write “GQ Men of the Year Awards” and not “The Fame Whores Of The Year Awards.” And yes, I mean to write “Woman of the Year” and not “Gutter Tramp of the Year.” If you’re wondering why GQ named Kim “Woman of the Year,” your question will be answered next month when GQ publishes highly artistic, black and white photographs of Kendall and Kylie Jenner dry scissoring while topless. Pimp Mama Kris really knows how to work a trade.

And I don’t know why those people in the background look so calm. That skirt is moments away from letting go and exploding, sending pieces of metal flying everywhere. They should be running for their lives!

Katie Couric Allegedly Said That Diane Sawyer Gives Blow Jobs For Interviews

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Veteran news journalist Sheila Weller’s book titled The News Sorority about Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric and Christiane Amanpour’s rise to the top is coming out in a minute and to sell that shit, her publisher gave The Daily Beast (via UsWeekly) some of the book’s juiciest highlights. In the book, Sheila claims that when Diane Sawyer was the queen of Good Morning America and Katie Couric was the queen of Today, they hated each other and regularly battled it out for scoops. Katie was the Alexis to Diane’s Krystle, basically. At one point, Katie allegedly said (or joked) that Diane sucks dick for interviews. Who knew that Diane Sawyer was the Rita Ora of morning news shows?

Sheila writes that Katie once tried to get an interview with one of Diane’s famous friends and when Diane found out about it, she got her husband Mike Nicholas to call the friend and let them know that their friendship would be over if they went on Today. Some source also told Sheila that when Diane scooped Katie for an interview with a 57-year-old woman who birthed out twins, Katie showed her jealous ass by hating on Diane’s immaculate head game.

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This Is How Gwen Stefani Says “Colbert”

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

At the Emmys last night, Gwen Stefani let America know that she might be the only celebrity trick in America who doesn’t know how to pronounce “Colbert.” John Travolta is obviously Gwen Stefani’s personal award show presenter coach, because while presenting the Emmy for Outstanding Variety/Music/Comedy Series with bearded douche rod Adam Levine, Gwen pronounced “Colbert” as “Colbort.” I think I know what a “Colbort” is. Isn’t it that stuff you smear on your “surfbort” so you can grip it better?

Smearing the innocent blood of virgin nuns over her skin to stay looking like that might’ve fucked with her brain, because bitch had one job and she screwed it up. Even Adam Levine cringed a little inside and when Adam Levine is embarrassed by your ass, then I don’t even know bitch.

After winning, Colbort told reporters backstage that he plans to join forces with Adele Dazeem and start a foundation which helps to educate celebrities who can’t pronounce names right at award shows. No, he didn’t say that, but he did say this:

“I think I might just change my name to Colborg.”

Well, the good news is that if Colbert changes his name to “Colbort” or “Colborg,” he will definitely be able to find his last name on a tiny license plate at a gift shop.

Pics: Getty

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