Why do I get the feeling that Lily Tomlin read that headline and started screaming “Don’t hold back, Katniss! Whoop that trick, word-style!”
According to TMZ, things got all Hunger Games between noted asshole/director David O. Russell and America’s Girlfriend/actress Jennifer Lawrence on the set of the movie Joy on Tuesday. A source on the set says they saw an argument start between David and Jennifer over a scene that progressed into a dramatic cuss-filled screaming match. Surprise surprise, David O. Russell was doing most of the screaming and swearing (I head the O in his name stands for “Oh f#@$% c*!$#“).
At least it sounds like they’re going to go through with it this time (silver lining?). A little over a week ago, Canadian-American princess Pamela Anderson gave her former third ex-husband and current husband Rick Salomon an early Valentine’s Day present by writing his name all over a pile of divorce papers and filing them down at the I Quit You Courthouse. And just like 99.9% of Hollywood Divorces (and 100% of Pam’s), it’s getting messy.
If this isn’t a Willow Take The Wheel moment, then I don’t know what is. Four months after he was arrested for being a drunk dish-smashing mess at a hotel during a Comic Con in Idaho, TMZ says Nicholas Brendon was arrested for being a drunk room-trashing mess at a hotel during a Comic Con in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Uh…at least he’s consistent?
According to TMZ, the police were called after Nicholas Brendon got next-level drunk at a Hilton in Ft. Lauderdale, proceeded to do $450 worth of damage to his room and skip out on a bill for $350 worth of food and drink charges before falling asleep in a hotel employee’s office. When the cops woke him up, he refused to pay for the damage or the food, so they charged him with felony grand theft.
And the Hilton wasn’t the only bridge Xander from Buffy burned; he also took a swipe at the Shock Pop Comic Con on Twitter (which was later deleted) by saying: “Hey Twatters! I’m stuck in Ft Lauderdale w/no per diem. No hotel. No ride to the airport. Thanks @Shockpopcc“. And as if that wasn’t enough dramatic life drama, TMZ says that days before he was arrested, Nicholas Brendon had quit his wife of 4 months. As for how Xander is doing now, his rep tells TMZ:
“Nicholas is, unfortunately, battling a disease that many of us don’t understand. We are working with him to improve upon the situation at hand and look toward the future. He’s sorry for his actions and takes what happened last night very seriously. We will take great care to ensure his safety in the future.”
I’m thinking maybe part of that ‘great care to ensure his safety in the future’ should probably include not letting him go to Comic Con anymore, because apparently nothing good happens to Nicholas Brendon at Comic Con.
Pic: Broward County Sheriff
Health Warning: Not only is there a chance that Fifty of Shades Grey will put you into a deep coma from the boredom of it all, but there’s also a chance that you might get shanked by a crazed, horny mom who won’t be shushed.
The Telegraph says that during a showing of Fifty Squirts of Mom Jizz at a theater in Glasgow, Scotland on Saturday night, the police had to be called after a fight broke out between a dude and the three women he told to quiet down. Witnesses say that the chicks were making all kind of noises, and when he let them know that they need to turn it all the way down, they went crazy on him and allegedly “glassed” him with a glass bottle. You can get boozed up at that theater, so witnesses believe the women were plastered (duh). The cops arrested the three and charged them with disorderly conduct.
One witness named Michael Bolton (yes, it’s best if you picture thee Michael Bolton) talked to The Telegraph about that mess and proved that he should be a movie critic and crime reporter, because he has a way with words:
“Besides being the worst film I have ever seen, three women were getting arrested and put in a police van when we arrived. A woman came out the theater and said that a guy had been glassed. One woman was in handcuffs and another two women were in tears. She said that three or four girls had been very loud and were shouting. The man had asked them to shut up and he was glassed. It’s a cinema where you can buy drink. Only in Glasgow are police called to the cinema.”
A rep for the police department said that despite reports, the dude wasn’t hit with a bottle and nobody was “glassed.” Nobody was injured.
What we’ve learned here is that if you’re watching Fifty Shades and someone is making loud noises, do not disturb them. It might be a horny soccer mom (or in this case, a horny football maw) getting off on that boring shit and you do not want to interrupt her as she rubs one out. Interrupting a crazy ho as she gets hers during Fifty Shades is like interrupting Mama June as she eats Korean BBQ. It won’t end well. Just keep your lips shut and cover the top of your popcorn bag, unless you don’t mind a little cooch cream in there. It’s okay to not hear what’s being said in that shit show. It’s Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s not an artistic piece of cinema that’s filled with poetic prose like Body of Evidence (example of poetic prose: “Don’t look so hurt, Alan. I fucked you, I fucked Andrew, I fucked Frank. That’s what I do; I fuck.”).
On a different note, I haven’t seen that wreck and wasn’t planning on it, but now I’m going to after finding out that it pisses Lolo Jones off.
And here’s the human form of tap water known as Dakota Johnson wearing a picnic tablecloth outside of Late Night with David Letterman tonight.
Bobby Brown’s Sister Got Into A Messy Bottle Fight With One Of Their Cousins At A Hotel This Morning
Yesterday was Bobby Brown’s 46th birthday and he spent it like none of us should ever have to spend our 46th birthday: by releasing a statement about his daughter Bobbi Kristina from the ICU. But I guess his family decided that life hadn’t handed him a crappy enough birthday present, so they all got together and gave him a drunken brawl that ended with the police being called and one person driving themselves to the hospital. Somewhere in Heaven, Whitney is screaming at all those fools to kiss her ass.
TMZ says it all went down shortly after Bobby B’s birthday dinner last night at the W Atlanta Midtown hotel. Bobby B’s family was getting next-level hammered at the hotel bar and a fight broke out between Bobby sister Tina Brown and their cousin Shayne Brown. A source says it started when Shayne called Aunt Tina a “crackhead”, but instead of replying with the classic “crack is cheap…crack is whack“, Aunt Tina responded by spitting in Shayne’s face before grabbing a bottle and cracking it over Shayne’s head. Multiple punches were then thrown, and NBC says that’s when a busted-up Shayne called a time-out on their family bonding session and drove himself to a nearby hospital, where he was treated for lacerations to his head.
Meanwhile, Aunt Tina decided she didn’t want to be around when the cops showed up, so she got the hell out of there. No word on whether or not charges will be laid against Aunt Tina, but I get the feeling this isn’t the first time a dirty bottle fight has broken out at a Brown family gathering.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go lie down and give my neck a rest from shaking my head so much at this gross situation.
It’s been a little over four months since come-to-life Robert Crumb cartoon Amber Rose quit her 1-year marriage to human-sized weed bud Wiz Khalifa, and already they’ve managed to pack in more divorce drama than most people could do in twice the time. And naturally, most of it has been happening on Twitter, because Amber and Wiz are very mature adults. So it should come as a shock to absolutely no one that Wiz Khalifa went on a long-ass melodramatic rant about his ex-wife two nights ago on Twitter. Wiz never gets into specifics about what set off him off, but it sounds like something went down with their 1-year-old son Sebastian.
Judging by that screen shot, they’re doing….. well….
The last time I wrote about Randy Quaid and his wife/partner in pure fuckery Evi Quaid, Canada had declared that they weren’t going to ship these two two back to the US to face charges for the vandalism they did while squatting in their former Santa Barbara house. Randy and Evi ran off to Canada because they didn’t want to face charges and also because they claimed some group of celebrity assassins called the Star Whackers were after them. Well, since then and now, Randy has grown out his luscious beard into a giant cotton ball cloud, he’s thrown a lawsuit at John Kerry and he’s still spitting out conspiracy theories.
In a new video that was splattered onto the Internet today, Canada’s very own (he belongs to you now, Canada) ranted against former Warner Bros executive Bruce Berman, the New York Post and Rupert Murdoch. While looking like a Duck Dynasty Santa Claus, Randy said he has made Warner Bros over 1 billion dollars and they thanked him by having him and Evi falsely arrested by TMZ (???) six times. Randy also accuses Bruce Berman of stealing his house. As for the New York Post, Randy slapped at them for smearing his good name and said that Rupert Murdoch has fucked him over and over again. Meanwhile, Evi sat in the background wearing a bikini and sunglasses.
This is probably the fever dream that David Lynch has after falling asleep while watching Christmas Vacation.
It doesn’t end there, Evi gets up, puts a picture of Rupert Murdoch over her face, bends over and Randy Quaid spits nature’s lube in his hand before dry humping her butt. If you really need that image seared onto your brain, here you go:
1. That spit into the hand was a nice touch.
2. Is that dog barking for help or… Why am I even putting an “or.” Of course that dog is barking for help.
3. Dennis, Buddy, Brandy, any of the Quaids? For where art thou? Come and get your brother.
When it was announced that Mandy Moore and not-Bryan Adams Ryan Adams were quitting their 6-year marriage to each other, I immediately pictured Mandy wearing a floor-length lilac chiffon gown carefully packing boxes of Ryan’s things as Ryan sits cross-legged on the floor singing “(Say so long) Don’t say goodbye” to their army of cats before he rides away on a cloud of air kisses to his new house. Basically, I assumed it was as amicable as amicable could be.
However, according to UsWeekly, I couldn’t have been more wrong and it’s starting to get dramatic. A source claims that Mandy is “totally shocked” by how Ryan handled their split, and not in the ‘wow, he’s being surprisingly mature about it’ way either. Apparently the two had discussed that Mandy would file for divorce, which made Ryan all panicky and try to work things out with Mandy, before saying fuck it, and skipping down to the court house to file the divorce papers himself.
She’s also pissed that he listed their date of separation as August 4, 2014, a date the source claims is BS and is financially motivated. Apparently Mandy and Ryan didn’t have a prenup, which we’ve all learned from Hollywood Divorces 101 means that this shit is about to get MESSY. No word on whether Ryan is afraid Mandy is going to come after his indie rock money or he’s trying to get his greasy hands on half of her A Walk to Remember cash. But regardless of when Ryan thinks they separated, the source says Mandy sort of mentally checked out a while ago:
“She had been unhappy for awhile. She tried to make things work and eventually she just had to walk away. She’s trying to keep things civil but is pretty upset about the way he’s handling this.”
I know we all sort of read that blind item from a while back about a former singer-turned-actress whose home was wrecked by some younger warbling hussy and our eyes darted quickly to Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, but what if it turns out that Ryan really was spending all his free time rubbing his hipster bits on a yodeling butterscotch ho? I know Mandy Moore wants to take the high road and whatever, but I’m sure part of her is dying to pick up a Bible and whoop a trick Hilary Faye-style.
In between going through a divorce with Whatshisname and battling a butterfly-hating nanny who threw a lawsuit at her for getting fired for showing too much “affection” to the twin Hello Kittens after working 120 hours a week, Mimi fluttered off to Jamaica to fill the ears of her Jamaican lambs with her unicorn yodel and possibly give a lip-synch show that’d make RuPaul stop the track and tell her to sashay away immediately.
Mimi headlined the Jamaica Jazz & Blues Festival last night and I went through some of the videos this morning. In some videos, Mimi sang live and other than her Windsor Fashions dresses from the late 90s, it didn’t seem like she had that many issues. But then I read a post at O-Access Jamaica that claimed that some people were not happy, because when it came time for her to sing “Fantasy,” she said “fuck it” and lazily moved her mouth through it. The video is a struggle! It’s the music performance equivalent of trying to have ass sex without lube and using spit and lotion instead. It’s awkward, painful and Mimi is trying to smile through it. I don’t know what’s going on. It looks like she’s having issues with her earpiece and either the track is screwed up or her mouth is on a 15-second delay because shit just isn’t working. A deaf cat on novocaine could lip-synch better.
Meanwhile, Ariana Grande Latte was sticking pins into the ear of her Mariah Carey voodoo doll. That black magic Bratz doll will do anything to be the true Supreme.
When Christmas was nearly canceled because of Mimi’s messy performance of “All I Want For Christmas,” some whores screamed that she really just should’ve lip-synched that shit. And now whores are screaming at her for lip-synching so badly that she made Brit Brit look like she has her PhD in lip-synching from Drag U. What do bitches want from Mimi? Actually, I doubt Mimi gives three queefs. As long as the check clears and the private jet is stocked with champagne and puppies, she no care. Yes, I’m pretty sure Mimi’s rider states that her private jet must be stocked with fresh puppies.
The words “Reserved for Ms. Shepherd” were engraved on a plaque hanging on a door in the Special Place Ward in Hell when Sherri Shepherd wrote off the baby that grew in her surrogate’s womb. When Sherri and her husband Lamar Sally broke up last year, she labeled him a scheming gold digger and accused him of tricking her into the surrogacy situation as a way to get her to pay him child support. Sherri walked away from the unborn baby and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with the kid ever. The already disgustingly messy situation got messier when Lamar sued Sherri for spousal and child support. Now, the surrogate who carried Sherri and Lamar’s baby has spoken out and is pissed that she’s being hit up for child support. It says a lot when a situation is dangerously close to becoming as fucked up as the Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry situation.