Category: MESS

Like A Can Of Biscuits Exploding In Slow Motion….

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Dear Kanye,

Thank you for this. Just thank you.

Love,
The world

Kanye West might be a tampon dipped in liquid delusion, but when it comes to making the world barf up a river of HAHAHAs by making Kim Kartrashian look as ridiculously messy as possible, he’s the master. Kanye continued to do great work tonight by doing Kim up like an S&M medieval mermaid who just swallowed a seal whole and is having a bitch of a time trying to pass it. Kim wore this beautiful and stunning ensemble to the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London where she was named Woman of the Year. Yes, I mean to write “GQ Men of the Year Awards” and not “The Fame Whores Of The Year Awards.” And yes, I mean to write “Woman of the Year” and not “Gutter Tramp of the Year.” If you’re wondering why GQ named Kim “Woman of the Year,” your question will be answered next month when GQ publishes highly artistic, black and white photographs of Kendall and Kylie Jenner dry scissoring while topless. Pimp Mama Kris really knows how to work a trade.

And I don’t know why those people in the background look so calm. That skirt is moments away from letting go and exploding, sending pieces of metal flying everywhere. They should be running for their lives!

Katie Couric Allegedly Said That Diane Sawyer Gives Blow Jobs For Interviews

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Veteran news journalist Sheila Weller’s book titled The News Sorority about Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric and Christiane Amanpour’s rise to the top is coming out in a minute and to sell that shit, her publisher gave The Daily Beast (via UsWeekly) some of the book’s juiciest highlights. In the book, Sheila claims that when Diane Sawyer was the queen of Good Morning America and Katie Couric was the queen of Today, they hated each other and regularly battled it out for scoops. Katie was the Alexis to Diane’s Krystle, basically. At one point, Katie allegedly said (or joked) that Diane sucks dick for interviews. Who knew that Diane Sawyer was the Rita Ora of morning news shows?

Sheila writes that Katie once tried to get an interview with one of Diane’s famous friends and when Diane found out about it, she got her husband Mike Nicholas to call the friend and let them know that their friendship would be over if they went on Today. Some source also told Sheila that when Diane scooped Katie for an interview with a 57-year-old woman who birthed out twins, Katie showed her jealous ass by hating on Diane’s immaculate head game.

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This Is How Gwen Stefani Says “Colbert”

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

At the Emmys last night, Gwen Stefani let America know that she might be the only celebrity trick in America who doesn’t know how to pronounce “Colbert.” John Travolta is obviously Gwen Stefani’s personal award show presenter coach, because while presenting the Emmy for Outstanding Variety/Music/Comedy Series with bearded douche rod Adam Levine, Gwen pronounced “Colbert” as “Colbort.” I think I know what a “Colbort” is. Isn’t it that stuff you smear on your “surfbort” so you can grip it better?

Smearing the innocent blood of virgin nuns over her skin to stay looking like that might’ve fucked with her brain, because bitch had one job and she screwed it up. Even Adam Levine cringed a little inside and when Adam Levine is embarrassed by your ass, then I don’t even know bitch.

After winning, Colbort told reporters backstage that he plans to join forces with Adele Dazeem and start a foundation which helps to educate celebrities who can’t pronounce names right at award shows. No, he didn’t say that, but he did say this:

“I think I might just change my name to Colborg.”

Well, the good news is that if Colbert changes his name to “Colbort” or “Colborg,” he will definitely be able to find his last name on a tiny license plate at a gift shop.

Pics: Getty

Who Worked It Better?

August 25, 2014 / Posted by:

I know, I should punch myself in the mouth for even thinking it’s okay to compare Lena Dunham’s Little-Critter-in-Ann-Jillian-drag-looking ass to a muy delicioso Barbie birthday cake.

On the left is Lena Dunham in a whole lot of Giambattista Valli at the Emmys tonight and on the right is your cousin’s quince cake. Lena Dunham looks exactly like that cake if that cake was left outside, melted in the rain and was later picked at by rabies-infested squirrels who only took a few bites of it, because its frosting went bad. I guess if bitch gets the munchies during the show, she can nibble on herself.

The Emmys is usually filled with rejected Windsor Fashion gowns and every dress is a visual yawn, so I give Lena a few taint slaps for trying to bring busted foolery to the red carpet, but she looks like a box of stale Jello 1-2-3. She looks like Hello Kitty’s overused, shredded tampon.

Also, Lena told E! at the Emmys tonight that the bleached fugness on her head isn’t a wig:

“A paparazzi followed me through LAX the other day asking me how I felt about the ‘speculation’ that my hair is a wig. It was like the biggest scandal I’ve ever been embroiled in. It is not a wig. I bleached it last week after I finished the show. I always like to do something—I always have kind of a bad hairstyle as Hannah, so it’s nice to kinda chop it off or do something that shows me I’m a real woman.”

Yeah, if by “real woman” she really meant “deranged escapee from the Village of the Damned,” then she nailed it.

Pics: Getty

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Country Music Says “Bye Bitch” To Taylor Swift

August 18, 2014 / Posted by:

All together now: “But when was that bitch ever country?”

Country Music packed up all of Taylor Swift’s shit and put it on the curb today after she released the first single called “Shake It Off” from her first all-pop album called “1989,”which comes out in October. Taylor of Green Gables didn’t have to smear her porcelain skin with SPF 5,000 today, because The Country Music Association threw a little shade her way with this tweet (which they later deleted, -10 shade points for them):

Good luck on your new venture @taylorswift13! We’ve LOVED watching you grow! #TaylorSwiftYahoo

Translation: “Don’t come crawling back to us, whore!”

Tay Tay queefed out her new song and video at some Yahoo! event today. Her new song sounds like a cross between a song that Avril Lavigne wrote in 2008 for a Pixar movie and a Jackson 5 b-side that the label rejected for being “too sweet.” At times, Taylor Swift even sounds like a young Michael Jackson with laryngitis. And the video. Well, if that still tells you anything…. This mess will make you cringe until your face muscles give out:

And that’s what you get when a commercial for The Gap and a Mickey Mouse Club skit circa 1995 lick up Miley Cyrus’ tongue skank before simultaneously barfing on the background of The Cosby Show intro.

That being said, I’m sure it’s already the #1 requested song at every spin class and thousands of people have already gone to the ER to beg doctors to please get that shit out of their heads.

And at least she didn’t write about an ex-boyfriend this time. I think.

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Our Lady Of Cheetos Is a Vocal Chameleon

August 17, 2014 / Posted by:

During a performance of last night’s most expensive lip-synching show in Las Vegas, one of Brit Brit Spears’ fans, who paid a lot of money to see her move her mouth and wave her arms, recorded a video of her looking like she’s moving her mouth to Sia’s vocals. Leave it to Our Lady of Cheetos to turn fuck effort lip-synching into an art form. Sia wrote that shit and recored a version with Brit Brit. I watched that Instagram video (via ONTD) way too many times and I can kind of hear Brit Brit’s auto-tuned chipmunk yodel underneath Sia’s voice, so who ever is in charge of pressing play on the track Brit Brit lip-synchs to probably pressed play on the wrong track. Brit Brit went on with the show, because she’s a real professional (and mostly because she had no idea what was going on and was too busy thinking about how she can’t wait for Daddy  Spears to take her to Buffalo Wild Wings after she finished moving her mouth to that track.)

No, no, no, I was just making jokes about Brit Brit not singing live. We all know that Brit Brit doesn’t lip-synch. We all know that it’s physically impossible for her to open up her mouth without stunningly beautiful, on-key musical notes dancing off of her vocal cords. Brit Brit doesn’t even know what a “lip-synch” is! She thinks it’s a fancy name for “water fountain.” Not many people know this about Brit Brit, since she’s always been humble about her natural gifts, but she actually has two sets of vocal cords. So last night, the audience witnessed true greatness. Brit Brit not only naturally sang her part, but she also sang in the voice of Sia at the same time! Brit Brit’s audience didn’t watch lip-synching-gone-wrong last night. They watched a vocal wonder at work!

I also heard that during last night’s show, she actually did half of a kick ball change (so basically just a kick and a half of a ball or a “kick and a Lance Armstrong” as dance professionals call it). I know, Brit Brit really gave it her all and more last night. She should take the rest of the year off. She and her conjoined twin vocal cords earned it.

Pics: Splash

So I Guess Ciara Isn’t Going To Spend Her Future With Future

August 13, 2014 / Posted by:

The Baby Mothers Of Future Club will have to rent out a bigger church basement to hold their monthly support group meetings in, because they’ve got a new member. One year after getting engaged and three months after birthing out her first kid and his 500th, Ciara pink-slipped rapper Future after his wandering Christopher Columbus-ass dick traveled into another piece’s snatch. Ciara probably should’ve realized that Future is a slut with a dick that gets easily bored when he told her that his three kids have three different mothers and when his peen yawned and mouthed the word “NEXT!” right after they boned for the second time.

Several sources tell UsWeekly that Ciara dumped Future as soon as she found out that he was doing what Future does:

“He cheated on her. Game over,” an insider tells Us of the “Turn On the Lights” rapper. Another source adds: “She’s devastated. Ciara’s focus now is the baby.”

Ciara and Future met when their label set them up for a track. They started wet humping on each other shortly after that and that led to get her getting knocked up, which led to him proposing to her on her birthday. They were together for a little over a year. Ciara gave birth to their son Future Zahir Wilburn in May.

The moral of this story is: If you let a rapper named Future, who has a collection of baby mothers, bust raw nuts up into your ovaries and you come down with a CASE OF THE BABIES!!!, do not let him name your child. Do not let him do it. Because he will name your child after his stage name (not even his goddamn government name) and then your poor innocent child will have a fucked up name like Future. Well, the good news for Ciara is that the county court is open five days a week and it won’t be that hard to change her baby’s name from Future to Past.

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Sherri Shepherd’s Surrogate Gave Birth To The Baby She Reportedly Doesn’t Want

August 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Before Sherri Shepherd’s marriage to Lamar Sally exploded (like her brain when she learned the Earth was in fact round), they agreed to hire a surrogate to bake a baby using his sperm and a donor’s egg. They tried to use one of  Sherri’s eggs but that didn’t work. When Sherri and Lamar broke up, she reportedly wrote off the unborn baby in her surrogate’s womb and made it clear she wants nothing to do with the kid. Sherri believes that Lamar is a scheming gold digger and he only wanted the baby so that he could get child support after divorcing her. Well, that precious baby is here and once the kid learns that his dad is using him as an ATM and his mom is Sherri Shepherd, he’s going to crawl back up that surrogate’s body and stay there until he turns 18. I hope that surrogate has enough room in there.

TMZ says that the surrogate carrying Sherri and Lamar’s baby gave birth to a boy in Pennsylvania today. Sherri wasn’t there, because she was too busy telling her future ex co-workers on The View that she’s about to ruin Broadway. Lamar was there during the birth of his son and a source (read: Lamar using a hospital pay phone because Sherri cut off his cell phone) says that he’s excited about getting those monthly checks being a father.

Lamar wants to raise his son by himself, but he’s still hitting Sherri up for child support. Sherri is going to fight him in court, because again, she thinks he defrauded her ass.

Well, it’s a good thing that Lamar is raising that kid. Yes, Lamar is probably a shameless grifter who might’ve tricked a lint-for-brains moron, but think of all the gold digging knowledge he’ll pass onto his son. Lamar could teach a master class in gold digging, because he overcame the odds. Dude gold diggers have to work extra hard, because it’s not like they can get knocked up with a blank check baby. Lamar had to come up with a real scheme to try to get a monthly child support check. And Lamar’s kid is going to get that knowledge for free (actually, he probably won’t, because a professional gold digger doesn’t give anything away for free).

And I wonder what Jesus, who predates everything, would say to that kid. He’d probably say, “May I be with you, because DAMN your parents are trash.”

Michael Lohan Says Shit Is Getting All Kinds Of Messy For Kate Major In Jail

August 4, 2014 / Posted by:

Here we go again; Michael Lohan is a drama-loving attention-seeking mess, take 8,303,472 (in the words of the great Mr. Lahey, the shit apple doesn’t fall far from the shit apple tree). According to TMZ, Lindsay’s deadbeat dad claims that his pregnant girlfriend Kate Major (seen above looking like Smurfette and Gargamel after 2-for-1 tequila night at Señor Frogs) is having a super shitty time in jail for her DUI. Michael says that Kate’s vagina has started bleeding on two separate occasions, but when she goes to the infirmary, they give her an ultrasound and tell her she’s fine. Michael is pissed off that the jail didn’t call in a specialist or rush Kate’s ass to the hospital, and Dr. Michael Lohan OB-GYN tells TMZ:

“You know damn well if someone has vaginal bleeding while pregnant that’s indicative of a miscarriage.”

Damn, those Lohans love to throw around the word “miscarriage”, don’t they? Again, shitty apple, shitty apple tree. Michael is also pissed that the jail has forced Kate to “carry her property back to her room” while bleeding from her down-lows. Oh my god, they made Kate carry her own things?? Who’s her CO, Pornstache? Anyways, Michael thinks something in the prison pruno ain’t clean and he’s hired Casey Anthony’s attorney Jose Baez to fight for a court order to have Kate treated properly.

I really hope that Michael Lohan’s attorney is able to get that court order, because I know that if Kate was seen by a professional doctor, he’d take one look at her medical history, see that she already has one child with Michael Lohan and is pregnant with another, determine that she’s clearly insane (she willingly fucked Michael Lohan, after all) and request she be transferred from jail to a psych ward. Then when she gives birth to Major-Lohan Baby No. 2, they can quickly whisk the baby away to a neonatal support group for newborns with extremely fucked up parents. Everybody wins!

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