Category: MESS

FYI: Stacey Dash Would Like Everyone To Know That Bill Cosby Was Always A “Perfect Gentleman” To Her

November 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Oh, Dionne…

The Bill Cosby situation keeps getting messier and messier and messier. New alleged victims have come forward, more companies have dropped him and last night the AP released a clip from a recent interview where Bill filled the room with a cloud of stank entitlement as he threw death glares at a reporter who brought up the allegations. As his wife smiled a happy smile next to him, Bill refused to talk about it and asked the reporter to not include that part in the interview. In the middle of all of that, ageless wreck Stacey Dash piped in to remind everyone that she exists and to also let everyone know that Bill Cosby never attacked her. Unlike Raven-Symone, a fake story claiming that Bill Cosby assaulted Stacey Dash never made the rounds. She just wanted to let everyone know, okay? If Don Lemon wasn’t gay, he and Stacey would make a serious super power couple. Here’s what Stacey tweeted:

Stacey tweeted it again, but added “@etnow” because she really wanted to get the word out since everybody (read: nobody) was wondering.

Stacey went on to tweet, “I read a book about @jeffreydahmer in ’06. Just want to let everyone know that he never murdered and ate me. @radar_online.” A few hours later, she also tweeted, “Just watched Chasing Madoff from ’10. I’d like everyone to know that @BernieMadoff never stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from me. @examinercom @starcasm.

Glad you cleared that up for us, Stacey.

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Taryn Manning Might Have Gotten Arrested For Threatening To Kill Her Friend-Turned-Stalker

November 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Back in July, a bunch of dramatic shit went down between Taryn Manning (aka crazy meth-mouthed hillbilly princess Pennsatucky from OITNB) and her former friend Jeanine Heller that ended with Taryn and Jeanine getting slapped with a mutual restraining order after neither would stop sending each other nasty texts and dragging each other on social media. Even Taryn’s dog Penguin got dragged into that mess. Poor Penguin – he doesn’t need that shit!

Not surprisingly, Taryn and Jeanine weren’t able to go more than 24-hours without antagonizing each other. Jeanine ended up being the first to get arrested for violating their mutual restraining order, and now it looks like it’s Taryn’s turn. According to TMZ, Taryn recently started sending a bunch of not-nice texts and messages through social media to Jeanine, like “Go fuck yourself and die” and “I will kill you, bitch“. Jeanine took them to court, and a judge determined on Tuesday that sending death threats is a clear violation of their restraining order. DUH! Unfortunately, Taryn didn’t show up to court, so the judge cited her for contempt and told police to arrest her ass.

However, according to Taryn Manning, she was never arrested and TMZ’s story is BS. Taryn took to Twitter to explain that despite being as crazy as the character she plays on TV, you won’t see her in an orange jumpsuit any time soon:

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Sunday Bloody Sunday: Bono Laid Up In The Hospital After Getting In A Bicycle Accident

November 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Last Wednesday, Bono CHEATED DEATH!!! when the rear hatch door of the private plane he was riding it ripped off during a flight from Dublin to Berlin. The hatch door probably fell on a poor soul who seconds beforehand finally managed to delete U2′s new album from their iPad. Nobody on the planet was injured and Bono, of course, lived. Well, the Grim Reaper must be a Neil Young fan, because in NYC yesterday, he blew an air kiss at Bono. Page Six says that while cycling in Central Park, he got into some kind of crash and now he’s lying in a hospital bed. Bono needs surgery on his arm to fix it. U2 was supposed to play on The Tonight Show all week long, but they announced on their website that they’ve canceled all of their shows after death came for Bono for the second time in 5 days.

It looks like we will have to do our Tonight Show residency another time – we’re one man down. Bono has injured his arm in a cycling spill in Central Park and requires some surgery to repair it. We’re sure he’ll make a full recovery soon, so we’ll be back! Much thanks to Jimmy Fallon and everyone at the show for their understanding.

The makers of tinted and colored lenses are going to get together and build Bono a protective colored lens bubble for him to live in, because he might be in a Final Destination situation and nothing can happen to their #1 customer.

But really, who keeps trying to take Bono out (besides everyone who heard the last U2 album)? Let’s see… Bono is Apple’s main bitch and he was supposed to play The Tonight Show every night for a week. Hmm… hmmm… Someone should check the footage from a surveillance camera near the place where Bono had his bike locked. They’d probably see Bill Gates, Conan O’Brien and Chris Martin dropping the wrenches and cans of grease they had in their hands to high five each other while tip-toeing away from the scene.

And here’s Bono outside of the London studio where a star-studded (see: not star-studded at all) group of singers recorded Band Aid 30 Do They Know It’s Christmas? (aka the song that will kill Ebola once and for all).

Pics: Wenn.com

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And This Is What Is Called TOO MUCH HIPSTER

November 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Robert Pattinson finally unveiled what’s been lurking underneath his hat and it’s more terrifying and ridiculous than we could have ever imagined. The enchanted unicorn forest is now a symbol for a hipster nightmare.

At the Go Campaign’s 7th Annual Go Go Gala in Beverly Hills last night (Side note: “GO! GO!” is what I screamed after looking at the shit that Peaky Blinders threw up on RPattz’s head), RPattz  made everyone’s brain explode with the puzzle on his head. I’m going to need Dan Brown to explain this shit to me. The front is giving me “errrr” and the back is giving me “aaaaaaaah.”

RPattz’s head is like a game of Classic Concentration. I see three things on his head: a long-haired guinea pig in a wind storm, Moe Howard and an extra chunky landing strip. Hmm… What do you get when you add those things together? Oh I know. You get this word:

DEEERRRP. 

I hate to sound like one of those Robsten4Eva crazies who haven’t had their meds yet, but that is all FKA Twigs on his head. Sure, RPattz could be earning extra coins by advertising Dumber and Dumber To on his head or it could be for a movie where he plays a man who was savagely attacked by a Flowbee, but I’m guessing it was FKA Twigs’ idea. One night while she was dancing naked in a cloud of incense, she looked down at the double lane  landing strip on her crotch and thought to herself that it would be really hot if her man had a matching one on the back of his head. RPattz better watch it, though. Because Michelle Rodriguez and Gerard Butler are going to try to lick and bump crotches with the cooch strip on his head.

It could’ve been a work of art, though. All RPattz had to do was leave a circle patch underneath that strip and he would’ve paid tribute to one of the most iconic perfumes of the late 80s and 90s.

rpattzexclamationpoint

It would’ve made a statement without saying a word.

Pics: Getty, Splash

More Like “Break The Photoshop Kim Kardashian”

November 12, 2014 / Posted by:

No wonder Beyonce’s last Instagram picture looked like it was ‘shopped with a half-broken version of Photoshop 0.07 full of dull and overused tools, because all of the Photoshop was used on this Paper Magazine cover of greasy trash coming out of a trash bag. RIP Adobe. We should’ve known you’d eventually spit out your last breath while pasting someone else’s waist on Kim Kartrashian’s extra glazed plastic ass.

Last night, thousands of people pushed away the plate of greasy, over-stuffed pork dumplings they were having for dinner and said, “Yeah no, I’m okay,” after seeing Kummy Kakes’ Photoshopped ass looking like a family of hairless warthogs oil wrestling in a trash bag.  That picture of Kummy looking like a centaur Who was taken by Jean-Paul Goude who took several iconic pictures of Grace Jones back in the day.

Jean-Paul Goude also recreated his famous “champagne glass balancing on an ass” picture with Kim and it’s after the cut. Computers and fingers were broken while Photoshopping that shit.

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Butt Your Heeeeeeeeead, Butt Your Heeeeeeea-yeeeeeeeeea-ed

November 10, 2014 / Posted by:

When I was a teenager I loved (and I still love) all the women alt-rock singers of that time like Dolores O’Riordan, Paula Cole, Joan Osborne, Nina Persson, Lisa Loeb, etc…etc…. I went to Lilith Fair twice. Yeah, when I was a teenager I wanted to grow up to be a lesbian coffeeshop barista who writes alt poetry on the side. So today, the teenager in me screamed, “Oh, Dolores O’Riordan.” 

43-year-old Dolores O’Riordan, the lead singer of The Cranberries, was in police custody in Ireland today after allegedly going crazy on a flight. CNN says that on an Aer Lingus flight from JFK to Shannon Airport in mid-West Ireland this morning, Dolores joined the mile high fight club by attacking a flight attendant for reasons unknown. When the plane landed at Shannon Airport, the police got on board and Dolores continued to bust out some fuckery by allegedly headbutting an officer who was trying to arrest her. The one good thing about getting headbutted by Dolores O’Riordan is that afterward you can touch your head and say, “I know I’ve felt like this before, but now I’m feeling it even more, because it came from you.”

The police say that the female flight attendant was taken to the hospital with a foot or leg injury. The police officer who got a forehead full of O’Riordan head was fine and didn’t need attention from a medical professional. Dolores was also taken to the hospital and was released a little while later. A spokeswhore for Aer Lingus says that the police are investigating this mess:

“An incident took place on board flight EI 110 en route from New York to Shannon today, Monday 10th November. The matter is being investigated by An Garda Siochana. As this is a security matter we will not comment any further.”

The police didn’t say whether or not the sweet nectar played a part in this, but that scent of booze wafting off of that story tells me it might’ve.

Wiki says that Dolores and her husband of 20 years Don Burton, who used to be Duran Duran’s tour manager, and their three kids split their time between their home in Dublin and a cabin in Buckhorn, Ontario, Canada. During an interview with The Independent a few years ago, Dolores said that when she was in her early 20s, she pretty much had a nervous breakdown from having to perform all the time. A couple of years after that, she moved to Canada full-time to be an “ordinary person” and raise her kids.

Who knows what’s going on here, but I do want to know if right before she headbutted that cop, Dolores said, “Hey, what’s in your heeeeeeaaaaaad?

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Andy Dick Got Arrested For Stealing A $1000 Necklace While Riding His Bike

November 8, 2014 / Posted by:

That’s genius!” screamed Lindsay Lohan, as she began frantically rummaging around in Dina’s garage for her old bicycle.

According to TMZ, Andy Dick has once again redefined the word HOT MESS. Last week, Andy was riding his bike around Hollywood (note: I ride my bike everywhere, and even I wouldn’t ride around Hollywood. That shit is dangerous! I don’t wanna get hit by one of those homemade tour buses!) when he saw a guy wearing a chain he liked. So he pulled over and asked if he could see it. The guy recognized it was Andy Dick, thought “Surely a man with a history of being crazy won’t do anything crazy“, and handed over the $1000 necklace. That’s when Andy grabbed it and rode off.

TMZ says the owner of the chain then went to police to report that Andy Dick had stolen his joo-rey, but they couldn’t find him anywhere. Unfortunately for Andy, the police found him last night near his apartment in Hollywood, and they arrested his chain-stealing getaway bike-riding buttered popcorn-looking ass. He was released early this morning when someone posted his $25,000 bail.

The only thing I really want to know is how high was Andy Dick when this happened. You’ve got to be pretty fucked to steal someone’s necklace and ride away on a bicycle. Then again, you’ve got to be pretty fucked to hand over a necklace to Andy Dick on a bicycle. Then again, if you’ve ever lived in Hollywood (which I did for a very short time), you know that Andy Dick rolling up to you on a bike and asking to see your necklace is not even that weird. I’ve seen a Spiderman wearing Ugg boots slap another Spiderman with a Wetzel’s Pretzel at a bus stop once. So yeah, dude who handed over your necklace, I get it. You’re dumb, but I get it.

PETA Is Pissed At The Discovery Channel For Their “Eaten Alive” Anaconda Stunt

November 7, 2014 / Posted by:

TLC’s equally as trashy, outdoorsy brother, the Discovery Channel, announced yesterday that they have filmed and will air a special where naturist Paul Rosolie gets swallowed whole by a giant anaconda. An actual anaconda, by the way. I wish he fed himself to Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda. Now that is a special I’d watch.

Entertainment Weekly says that in the Discovery special titled “Eaten Alive,” which splatters onto TV screens December 7th, Paul puts on a custom snake-proof suit (which I’m guessing is the same kind of suit that Kim Kartrashian’s doctor wears when he examines her b-hole) and then covers himself in pig’s blood before feeding himself to the anaconda. Discovery swears it’s not a hoax, but wouldn’t spit up anymore details like how much of Paul’s body ends up in the snake or how he gets out. Entertainment Weekly thinks that his custom snake-proof suit had a cord attached to it which made it easy-ish for him to be pulled out of the snake. I blame Nicki Minaj for this.

PETA is always on time with their outrage, so a quick minute after Discovery announced this act of pure fuckery, they slapped at the network and Paul with this statement:

“This blatant publicity stunt sounds far-fetched, but if the description is accurate, the snake was tormented and suffered for the sake of ratings—as animals usually do when they’re used for entertainment. Anacondas go days without eating and expend the energy needed to do so selectively. Making this snake use up energy by swallowing this fool and then possibly regurgitating him would have left the poor animal exhausted and deprived of the energy that he or she needs. Shame on this pseudo ‘wildlife expert’ for tormenting this animal, and shame on the Discovery Channel for giving him the incentive to do so. PETA has not heard back after reaching out to the Discovery Channel asking them to pull the show, whether it is a hoax or not.”

Paul tweeted that he doesn’t hurt animals and you’ll just have to watch the special before judging the stunt.

I say this every time I shave my pubes into a seasonal mascot for the holidays: Us humans have really run out of shit to do with ourselves. Paul wrapping himself in a snake-proof suit before shoving himself down an anaconda’s throat is like someone wrapping a delicious In-N-Out Double Double in a human-proof suit before shoving it down my throat. In life, there’s rarely a point to anything, but what is the point of this?

Besides, a grown man getting devoured whole by a snake has been seen on TV before. I mean, hasn’t Paul ever seen old episodes of Jon & Kate Plus 8?

Kim Richards’ Dog, Kingsley, Put Her Niece In The Hospital

November 6, 2014 / Posted by:

I hear you saying to yourself, “But was it Parasite Hilton… but was it Parasite Hilton… but was it Parasite Hilton…

Anybody who watches the diamante-covered silicone turd that is The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills knows that Kim Richards’ pit bull, Kingsley (seen above screaming “HELP” with his Tiny eyes), is an absolute mess. Like owner, like dog, right? And I say that as the human of a chihuahua who does everything he does like nap for hours on end, sniff ass and twirl when he sees a piece of beef jerky. During one episode, Kim hired dog trainer David Utter to help her control Kingsley and when Kingsley came at him, he did the professional dog training move of trying to kick the dog in the head. (If you’re like me, then that sentence will make you want to watch You Kick My Dog again.) Cesar Milan calls that move the “not calm and not submissive move.

Kim had a hard time controlling Kingsley, so it’s not exactly shocking that he attacked a human. Two days ago, the basic cable Demi Moore, Kyle Richards, Instagramm’d this picture of her and her daughters having a hospital room slumber party. Kyle said that her 18-year-old daughter Alexia was laid up in the hospital after getting attacked by a vicious dog, to which all of us said, “Okay, which one of those crazy bitches on the Real Housewives went too far this time and attacked a castmate’s child?

realhousewivesdogattack

TMZ says that Kingsley is the dog who mauled Alexia’s hand. Over the weekend, Kyle and her daughters were hanging out at Kim’s house when “out of nowhere” Kingsley went Cujo on Alexia. Kingsley bit Alexia’s finger to the bone and she had to have several surgeries. Animal Control was never called and Kingsley is still living at Kim’s house. Animal Services won’t do anything about the attack unless Alexia or another family member reports Kingsley. Kingsley apparently has a file with Animal Services, because he’s attacked several dogs and people including Kim’s friend who had to get attention from paramedics after he bit into her arm.

Never mind that Kim Richards shouldn’t own a half-broken Tamagotchi let alone a living and breathing pit bull, look at Kingsley’s surroundings. Kingsley is surrounded by a bunch of rabid, insane messes who constantly bark and go after each other. They all need to spend time in Victoria Stilwell’s dog training camp. I’m actually surprised that Andy Cohen hasn’t slapped a weave, a chunky rhinestone necklace and a silky blouse on Kingsley and made him a Real Housewife. I’d like to see Brandi Glanville accuse Kingsley of doing meth in the bathroom.

Pic: Instagram,

Chris Brown Proves He’s Still The Chris Brown-iest By Hissing At Adrienne Bailon On Instagram

November 4, 2014 / Posted by:

I don’t know if I should prep you all by issuing an EXTREME DOUCHEBAG ALERT for this story, or just assume you already did that on your own when you saw Chris Brown’s face up there, but either way – extreme douchebag alert.

According to TMZ, society’s impacted wisdom tooth Chris Brown got all kinds of ragey after hearing that Adrienne Bailon was talking shit about his girlfriend Karrueche Tran yesterday on The Real. I guess the topic was assholes and the dum-dums who love them, because Adrienne shot out that the reason someone like Karrueche stays with someone like Chris despite the fact that he’s as pleasant as an infected toenail, is because she and her friends love the fame and all the perks that come with hanging around Chris Brown (if you can think of any, feel free to email me).

Once Chris found out someone was throwing shade at his lady, he took to Instagram to post a picture of Adrienne (which he later deleted) calling her a “trout mouth ass bitch“, as well as accusing her of keeping her legs open to married men and humping on a Kardashian (Rob) for fame. He also came for Adrienne’s The Real co-host Tamar Braxton, calling her a “Muppet face ass” and “the ugly sister“. Ooooh, RUDE DOT COM!

But even after he deleted the picture, he wasn’t done mouth-barfing hot shit. He then posted a video of himself to Instagram hissing that everybody is entitled to their opinion, that sometimes you’re the bug and sometimes you’re the windshield, and “what you drink don’t make me piss”, whatever the fuck that even means. Us Weekly says Karrueche then added to the drama by Instagramming a picture of herself and commenting: “Unlike most of you… I could care less about the opinions of others.. Drama doesn’t amuse me – so yes @tamarbraxton I do have a voice, just not like yours.. However my bf I can’t speak for.. We all know he has no chill.” No, don’t worry Karrueche – nobody has forgotten that your aggressive face-punching asshole boyfriend has “no chill.”

This fight is beyond.com. Trout mouth ass bitch? Muppet face ass??? As in, Tamar’s ass looks like the face of a Muppet? That doesn’t even make sense. Chris Brown, get your life! No, seriously, you’re too old for this shit.

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