At Madison Square Garden in NYC today, Kanye West farted up his newest collection of overpriced dumpster finds and he also played songs (one of which has a touching lyric about Taylor Swift) from his new album The Life of Pablo. I’m guessing he means Pablo Escobar since coke was definitely a co-producer on that album. Kanye held his Yeezy season 3 show at MSG, because his organizers probably knew it was the only place that’d be able to hold in his craziness, throbbing ego and all of those foam insulation-filled Kartrashian asses.
I watched mostly all 500 hours of the livestream and for the first time in my life I felt really sorry for models. They all had to stand there looking sad, hungry and constipated while wearing dusty, moth-eaten aerobics clothes that have been in the back of someone’s mother’s closet for the past 30 years. Not only did they have to stand there in condom beanies and Star Trek Lululemon shit, but they also had to listen to Kanye fuck his own ego while playing songs from his new album.
The world nearly turned inside/out with shock over the weekend when The Sun posted pictures of a 15-year-old rich kid of famous parents smoking the good shit with his friends at a skate park in London. I joked that the Dark Priestess of the Illuminati probably set that ESCANDALOSO paparazzi moment up to show the world that Guy Ritchie lets their son Rocco Ritchie do whatever the hell he wants. Well, TMZ says that Madonna is afraid that Rocco is spending his days getting stoned and living without any rules, so she’s hired a private investigator to follow him around. Um, I don’t know if Madge hired the right private investigator, because what in the hell kind of private investigator gets found out by TMZ? Detective La Toya would never.
Why do I have a feeling that Miley Cyrus can’t keep a housekeeper? Every time she licks the floor, they quit on the spot, because they don’t work with boric acid and know that’s the only kind of shit that can get Miley’s tongue smegma out of natural stone.
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have been back together for about 15 minutes and they’re really making up for lost time. They got re-engaged and she also bought the place next to his. Curbed says that the hillbilly gender fluid chipmunk already owns a $3.9 million house in Studio City and a $5 million ranch in Hidden Hills. She recently paid $2.5 million for a 4 bedroom, 1,384 square foot house that is right next to Liam Hemsworth’s place in Malibu.
TMZ says that Miley’s house is going to be her main house and she bought it because Liam’s place doesn’t have room for all her crap and her 5 dogs. Liam always has friends staying with him so Miley bought the 60s elementary school-looking ass house next door. Miley and Liam may put their places together and make one giant estate in the future.
Who knew that the hillbilly chipmunk took relationship tips from Taylor Swift? The good news for Liam is that since Miley has her own place, he doesn’t have to worry about walking into his kitchen and finding Billy Ray Cyrus eating his Corn Pops because Billy Ray’s place was fresh out of them and Miley was late with paying her family’s allowance again. But the bad news is that if the impossible happens and Liam and Miley’s unbreakable love eats shit, they’ll still be next door neighbors and that won’t end well. It’ll end with Liam having to take his new girlfriend to the ER after a rabid Miley infected her with rabies while attacking her on the driveway in a jealous rage.
To push that Madoff miniseries on ABC, Page Six has a story about how after Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to being the villain mastermind behind a $65 billion Ponzi scheme, his wife Ruth Madoff drowned her sorrows and said goodbye to their rich bitch life by opening her mouth hole and shoving in as much of the sweet nectar, the good shit and Funyuns as possible.
“Ruth had a network in place to deliver pot up to the apartment. If she didn’t have anything to smoke it in, she would order someone out to a bodega for rolling papers because she felt unsafe leaving the apartment herself. After Ruth smoked up on their rooftop patio, she’d walk around munching on bags of Funyuns or other types of chips, Both Ruth and Bernie were drinking thousands and thousands of dollars worth of wine from their cellar almost every night. I think they figured it was better to drink it than let the government take it away.”
You know, if you took away the grifting husband and the penthouse of pure stolen class and replaced the fancy wine with whatever’s on sale at Smart & Final, that would be most of us. Because aren’t we all toking, wine-ing and Funyun-ing to deal with Bernie and by Bernie I mean life?
It’s Iowa Cock-Ass Day and so one of my fashion idols and favorite accidental rappers Sarah Palin is there because: 1. There’s a lot of cameras there right now and 2. She’s there to push rotting cheese curd with a mouth Donald Trump.
Sarah Palin’s son Track Lighting Palin was busted by the cops in Wasilla, Alaska early last month after he allegedly punched his girlfriend and pulled a gun on her during a fight. The news of Track’s arrest came on the day that Sarah Palin dazzled our retinas with her stunning Christmas tree tinsel bolero while officially endorsing Jabba the Trump as her choice for the next president. Sarah Palin brought up Track’s arrest during a rally in Oklahoma the next day and mouth burped up some stuff about how her son may have PTSD from fighting in Iraq and she blamed it on the Obama administration. Well, Sarah did an interview with Today this morning and of course they asked her about her PTSD comment.
Yesterday, many of us said to ourselves, “I don’t remember dropping acid for lunch,” when it was announced that Joseph Fiennes is playing Michael Jackson in a British TV dramedy about a rumored road trip that La Toya’s brother took with Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando after the 9/11 attacks. Stockard Channing is playing La Liz and Brian Cox is playing Brando and that seems about right, so brains spit out a question mark over Shakespeare playing MJ. I mean, the nose is all wrong.
Joseph Fiennes is out promoting some movie and Entertainment Tonight asked him about this fuckery. They also brought up how some people think it’s wrong that he, a white dude is playing Michael Jackson. Joseph had the same explanation a lot of people had, which is, “MJ was white!”
“I’m a white, middle-class guy from London. I’m as shocked as you may be.
[Jackson] definitely had an issue — a pigmentation issue — and that’s something I do believe. He was probably closer to my color than his original color. He was probably closer to my color than his original color. It’s a light comedy look. It’s not in any way malicious. It’s actually endearing.
It’s kind of off the wall, but the writing is a delight, and the kind of interaction between the three of them is funny, and also full of pathos. It’s people who are so iconic, but also can be detached. You know, you can get detached from society. So it’s examining that kind of wonderful and mad detachment.”
What the makers of this future peyote-infused train wreck should’ve done is just cast Tilda Swinton as all the roles. When you’re unsure, just cast alien nymph Tilda Swinton.
When God’s god Kanye West announced that he has changed the title of his new album from Swish to Waves, many didn’t like it because “swish” is the sound that a toilet makes when it flushes and that seemed more fitting. Wiz Khalifa also wasn’t happy about Kanye naming his album Waves, because according to the tattooed scarecrow, the words “wave” and “wavy” belong to rapper Max B. I guess you could say that Waves caused waves. I know, I know….
Kanye tweeted “all respect” to Max B when he announced his new album title, but Wiz still wasn’t into it. Wiz told Kanye that he needs to go back to Swish and “hit this KK and become yourself.” Wiz wasn’t talking about Kim Kartrashian when he typed KK, he was talking about his own strain of weed called Khalifa Kush. That tweet still set Kanye off and he went after a trick.
Kanye handed his black unicorn pelt Givenchy fanny pack to North West, pulled off his $2000 army bomber jacket (you know, the one you can get for $35 at the army surplus store) and asked Riccardo Tisci to hand him a bottle of lube before he greased up his face and stepped into the ring. Kanye’s MacBook Air (or whatever he’s using now) is probably lying on a table in the morgue section of the Genius Bar, because he pounded the shit out of it while throwing poetic tweets at Wiz. Many of Kanye’s tweets (which he deleted) are after the cut. Warning: You will overdose on Vitamin D (for delusion) while reading them:
In “No, This Isn’t From The Onion” News: Joseph Fiennes Is Playing Michael Jackson In A British TV Movie
A few years ago, Sam Kashner, a contributing editor for Vanity Fair, gave us the 9/11 road trip story of our dreams. I’m sure you’ve already memorized this story word for word and you tell it to yourself every night before bed, but I’ll give you the quick version anyway. Sam claimed that on 9/11, Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando were all in NYC for his concert. After the attacks, Michael’s friends in Saudi Arabia told him to get the hell out of NYC because they believed more attacks were going to happen. MJ, Liz and Marlon couldn’t take a private jet since the airspace was closed, so they rented a car and drove themselves out of there. Marlon apparently made them stop at almost every KFC and Burger King and they got as far as Ohio. One of Elizabeth’s assistants said the story was a lie. But who cares, I still wanted Hollywood to make that movie because it’s a perfect story. Well, it’s being made into a movie and the casting is filled with more WTF than the story.
The Guardian says that one of the most magical moments in history will be made into a dramedy for the British channel Sky Arts. Joseph Fiennes is going to play Michael Jackson, Stockard Channing is doing Elizabeth Taylor and Brian Cox has been cast as Marlon Brando. I guess Joseph’s casting was announced in December and either I missed it or it was full of way too much fuckery for even my brain to digest and I blacked it out. But Joseph said this about the movie back in December:
“It’s a challenge. It’s a comedy. It doesn’t poke mean fun, but it’s a story, possibly urban legend, whereby Michael, Marlon Brando, and Liz Taylor were all together the day before 9/11 doing a concert. Airspace was shut down and they couldn’t get out and Michael had the bright idea to go to hire a car and drive. It’s a fun, lighthearted tongue-in-cheek road trip of what celebrity of that kind is like. But also it’s rather beautiful and poignant about their relationships as well.”
Since they cast the dude from Shakespeare In Love as Michael Jackson circa 2001, they should’ve kept the question marks coming by casting Brian Cox as Elizabeth Taylor and Stockard Channing as Marlon Brando. Was Detective La Toya not available to play MJ or something?! What am I saying? Of course she’s not available. Making a Murderer’s Steven Avery probably hired her to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING for him.
And it’s a good thing Cameron Crowe isn’t directing this because he would’ve cast Emma Stone as MJ.
This isn’t the feud any of us saw coming, but it’s the feud we needed.
Rapper B.o.B (government name: Bobby Ray Simmons, Jr.) dropped a whole lot of TRUTH onto the eyeballs of his millions of Twitter followers over the weekend when he went on and on and on and on and on about how the Earth is flat and we’ve all been lied to. B.o.B’s flat Earth sermon got so much attention that Harvard-educated astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson stepped in, sat B.o.B down at a desk in the front of the classroom and tried to burst a trick’s flat bubble by telling him that the planet is round. But B.o.B isn’t going to listen to some professional planet studier who has spent years studying and teaching this sort of thing. B.o.B knows that Neil deGrasse Tyson is being paid by the government to push the round Earth lie. B.o.B sees you, NDT!
I swear, B.o.B arguing with an astrophysicist about the planet being flat is like me arguing with David Foster Wallace about gramur. speling and, sentuns strucksher.
B.o.B really gave it to NDT by releasing a diss track called “Flatline,” which also describes the current state of his career, which is why he has to do shit like this to promote himself. The diss track is below. I’m sure all high school science teachers will replace their textbooks with it:
If you didn’t listen to that truth bomb, here’s a piece of the lyrics:
I see only good things on the horizon
That’s probably why the horizon is always rising
Indoctrinated in a cult called science
And graduated to a club full of liars
Heliocentrism, you were the sixth victim
Fuck you and your team, you could sit on the bench with ’em
They nervous, but before you try to curve it
Do your research on David Irving
Stalin was way worse than Hitler
That’s why the POTUS gotta wear a kippah
I’m a man first ‘fore an artist
Get a lawyer, look up Doctor Richard Sauder
When Nick Carter was arrested two weeks ago for being all kinds of drunk at a place called the Hog’s Breath Saloon in Florida and choking out a bouncer because they wouldn’t let him pour any more booze down his throat, even Florida was like “Slow down, Nick Carter – that’s TOO Florida.” Apparently Nick Carter has finally realized that, yeah, he got a little too Florida that day, and now he wants you to know he’s sorry about it. Nick typed up a little apology on Twitter yesterday. Tip: Nick’s tweets are 1000x more entertaining if you pretend they were written by Mummy Nick from the video for “Everybody“.
I am human and at times it can be a struggle to balance a healthy lifestyle. I'm not perfect and for that I am sorry.
— Nick Carter (@nickcarter) January 23, 2016
When we fall we have to get up and keep on walking. I hope you stay by my side and continue to walk with me.
— Nick Carter (@nickcarter) January 23, 2016
Is it just me or does it sound like Nick yanked his apology tweets from a Christian bookstore’s Facebook wall? No, I’m sure he thought them all up himself with no help from either his lawyer or the Backstreet Boys’ PR person. One person who probably didn’t help him write it was his brother Aaron Carter, because he was too busy dealing with his own mess. TMZ says Aaron flipped out on a fan at a concert in Virgina earlier this week after they asked him to sing “I Want Candy“. Apparently Aaron wasn’t into that shit, told the fan “I’m 28, honey, and I’m grown” and walked off stage for a bit. TMZ has the video of Aaron’s “I’m grown” moment, which you can watch here.
Okay, but to be fair to that fan, if Aaron wasn’t going to sing “I Want Candy“, what else did he have planned? Three different versions of “Aaron’s Party” followed by an acoustic performance of “Crazy Little Party Girl“? Somewhere in Hell, a tortured soul is like “Hey, I have that album!”