A Jessica Simpson interview is usually awkward wrapped in messy and doused with cringe-fuel, but shit really got awkward on yesterday’s episode of Ellen. Jessica went on Ellen to promote her billion dollar fashion (and whatever she puts her name on) empire, but it seemed more like a PSA for what happens to your brain when mix you wine, pills, nervousness and trying to be funny.
ABC held its upfronts presentation (more like “upchuck presentation“) in NYC today and they announced all sorts of shit that’s got people asking, “Whyyyyyy?!” ABC confirmed that they’re dragging American Idol’s still cold body out if its grave next year. They also confirmed the Roseanne revival (the entire cast is back including Sarah Chalke who will play a different role) and they announced that they’re getting into the live musical game by doing The Little Mermaid Live this October (ABC’s offices should block Lindsay Lohan’s cell number because she’ll be burning up their phones now).
But the news that really made me cringe and also made all of the Pimp Mama Krises out there explode with glee is that ABC will air a kid version of Dancing with the Stars. ABC’s Dancing with the Stars Junior will pair child stars and the children of celebrities with junior pro dancers and they’ll do choreographed routines in front of a panel of judges. Every day we stray further from God’s light and get closer to HELL!
CNN says that my former favorite Republican blond wifebot and third wife of Newt Gingrich, Callista Gingrich, is probably going to become Pope Francis’ new neighbor, because she’s the White House’s pick for the next Ambassador to the Vatican. Jesus and God are definitely shaking their heads over this news. Jesus and God know that tourists visiting Vatican City are going to ignore their portraits and sculptures whenever Callista floats on by with sparks shooting off of her perfectly-sculpted peroxide hair helmet of perfection.
Giada de Laurentiis did a 6-minute cooking segment on Ellen with Ellen DeGeneres and Nicole Kidman, and it was a mess filled with ball jokes, anus jokes and Nicole spitting out Giada’s focaccia into her porcelain Grinch hand. Yes, Nicole spit. Somewhere John Mayer is making a “Giada would never” joke.
Giada was on to promote the new season of Food Network Star and also to make nerves curl with the way she over-over-enunciates Italian words like she’s Rosetta Stone teaching Italian to dum-dums. Ellen and Nicole were Giada’s helpers and they made fried risotto balls and clementine and fennel focaccia. Clementine, fennel and pizza bread together sounds like a threesome from barf-inducing HELL to me. Cooking segments are always a mess, but this one was really a mess and they all played their role perfectly. Giada was the nitpicky, shrieky and obnoxious teacher. Ellen was the joker SCANDALIZING THEM ALL with her PG-13 jokes about balls and anuses. And Nicole was the shady queen who threw side-eyes and let Giada know that she’d rather tongue kiss Tom Cruise again for show than swallow that focacca.
Maybe Nicole spit out that focaccia because she’s a skinny Hollywood actress and she knows that if evil studio executives see her eating actual carbs, she’ll be passed up for roles for being a PFF (Possible Future Fatty)! But maybe Nicole spit that food out because she knows that even Giada doesn’t eat Giada’s food. So Giada can’t get mad. Nicole learned it by watching you, Giada!
The Hollywood Reporter published an exposé yesterday on Johnny Depp’s ongoing money woes and his legal battle against his former business management company, The Management Group. Maybe “exposé” is the wrong word here, since we already know so many messy details of Johnny’s life and alleged choices. It’s more like The Hollywood Reporter pointed to the mess in the corner and went “Okay, so that’s still there. But look, it appears there’s a new layer of grime on it!”
The latest addition to Johnny’s story has to to with his time on the set of the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. Dead men may tell no tales, but there seems to be a whole lot of people from the set who were willing to.
After the Emma Stone in Aloha mess, and the ScarJo in Ghost in the Shell mess, and the Tilda Swinton in Doctor Strange mess, you’d think that maybe Hollywood would know that doing whitewashing shit, especially with a real person, is a bad move. But here we are. Deadline says that Zach McGowan, who is apparently of Irish and Jewish descent, has been cast as real-life Native Hawaiian leader Benehakaka “Ben” Kanahele in a WWII biopic called Ni’ihau.