Leave it t professional polyester life mess Dina Lohan to find a way to make Michael Lohan’s wedding seem even trashier. Oh, White Oprah – how I’ve missed you, you gorgeous wine-scented butter-colored cocker spaniel. On Tuesday, TMZ broke the news that human ball rash Michael Lohan had married former Jon Gosselin humper and current knocked-up drunk muppet Kate Major on a beach in Florida last month. But White Oprah isn’t so sure about the whole thing.
TMZ caught up with The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan Future at LAX yesterday and asked if she knew about her ex-husband getting married (since his own kids sure as hell didn’t), and Dina answers that Michael texted her and told her he didn’t actually get married, adding the 4 words that most accurately define White Oprah: “I’m kind of confused.” That’s when TMZ tells Dina that there are pictures of Michael and Kate’s wedding, to which Dina calls bullshit, saying: “I don’t know, he said he didn’t, but then again…“. And because she’s nicknamed White Oprah for a reason, she ends the conversation by telling TMZ to “Follow the light“. I think she means the light to the fridge. Follow the light, and you’ll always find a chilled box of white wine!
Oh boy, who to believe? The messy lie-telling parent who says they got married or the messy lie-telling parent who says they didn’t? I mean, there’s a 98% chance that White Oprah was three sheets to the wind when they spoke to her in the airport, and she’s probably recalling a text conversation from 4 years ago, but there’s an even greater chance that Lindsay’s attention whore of a father faked the whole thing to get attention. The only way to get the truth is to interrogate Kate Major’s trash rat acrylic nails. Exquisite amateur porn star blowjob nail tips never lie!
Peter Pan is so NOW in Hollywood. They’re giving us that soon-to-be shipwreck TV Peter Pan musical starring Brian Williams’ daughter and next year they’re giving us that “international, multi-cultural” (the director’s words, not mine) Pan movie directed by Joe Wright. The trailer was released today and it’s so international and so multi-cultural that watching it will make you feel like you’re speeding through the It’s A Small World ride.
Pan is the untold story (when you’re told the story is untold, it’s probably been told before) of Peter Pan’s origins and it stars Hugh Jackmeoff as Blackbeard, Garrett GimmeHedlund as a young, sexy, pre-evil Captain Hook, Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily, Cara Delawhatever as a mermaid and Levi Miller as Peter Pan. The beginning of the trailer looks like every other fantasy movie out today and shit gets messy when Tiger Lily and her tribe of Coachella lizards pop up on the screen. If Joe Wright’s vision of Tiger Lily is a festival-hopping mess who loves molly and wears outfits from the House of You So Different, he should have just cast Coachella queen Vanessa Hudgens. She’s already got the costumes and she can do that “stoned Zoolander deer caught in the headlights” look better than Rooney can.
While watching the trailer, just focus on Garrett Hedlund’s swoon worthy tendrils and you should be okay:
Even Hugh Jackman looks a mess. I don’t like it when he wears clothes even when the clothes make him look like a medieval Liberace mixed with Gary Oldman’s Dracula. But I’m glad that one of John Travolta’s wigs got extra work on Hugh’s head.
I watched all 3 hours of last night’s American Music Awards and it took a lot of the sweet nectar to get through it. I’m surprised I’m not typing this from a hospital bed as a nurse stands next to me, wringing the booze out of my liver before shoving it back up my asshole. Watching it felt like being stuck in a suburban 10-year-old’s iTunes playlist. It was one shit song after another and at one point I weeped for our nation’s children, because when I was a kid our ears were filled with the artistic melodies put out by real artists like Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice.
Taylor Swift opened the crap song buffet with a performance of that “Blank Space” song and she probably gave the best performance of the night. I’m only saying that because it was a wreck from start to finish. Tay Tay recreated her video by playing a crazy-eyed, boyfriend-ruining psycho (read: herself, basically). It works in the video, but it was a mess live. Bitch ran around like an ostrich with mad squirrel disease. It’s like the deranged spirit of Norma Desmond possessed the body of a vintage Barbie.
Tay Tay’s performance looks like it was done on the set of a non-union touring production of Scooby Doo Live. I kept waiting for Shaggy and the gang to come out, pull off Taylor Swift’s mask and reveal that she’s actually Old Farmer Jenkins and it was him killing all those young, hot white men. Tay Tay’s acting wasn’t the only messy part of that performance. At first I thought she was mouthing to a track, but it became apparent that she wasn’t totally lip-synching when an off-key note shot out of her mouth and drop kicked my eardrum.
For the rest of the show, Taylor did what Taylor does: she held court with the “popular girls” (Selena Gomez and Selena’s one-time arch rival Lorde) and busted her out inflatable wind dancer moves in the front row. During Selena Gomez’s ~emotionally raw~ performance in front of a screensaver, Tay Tay did this:
Those duo of side-eyes…. They say everything.
Lorde (aka Emily the Strange with a spiral perm) is thinking to herself, “Cry, bitch, cry more! Your pain feeds my Hot Topic soul” and Taylor is either crying from the raw emotion or she’s crying from the second-hand embarrassment she feels while watching Selena squirt out tears over Justin Fucking Bieber.
And at the end of the show, I made the same face Taylor’s making when I realized that I wasted 3 hours of my night and could’ve watched The Comeback instead.
FYI: Stacey Dash Would Like Everyone To Know That Bill Cosby Was Always A “Perfect Gentleman” To Her
The Bill Cosby situation keeps getting messier and messier and messier. New alleged victims have come forward, more companies have dropped him and last night the AP released a clip from a recent interview where Bill filled the room with a cloud of stank entitlement as he threw death glares at a reporter who brought up the allegations. As his wife smiled a happy smile next to him, Bill refused to talk about it and asked the reporter to not include that part in the interview. In the middle of all of that, ageless wreck Stacey Dash piped in to remind everyone that she exists and to also let everyone know that Bill Cosby never attacked her. Unlike Raven-Symone, a fake story claiming that Bill Cosby assaulted Stacey Dash never made the rounds. She just wanted to let everyone know, okay? If Don Lemon wasn’t gay, he and Stacey would make a serious super power couple. Here’s what Stacey tweeted:
I worked with @BillCosby in '86 when I was 19. We were alone together many times. He was a perfect gentleman & became a mentor to me.
— Stacey Dash (@REALStaceyDash) November 20, 2014
Stacey tweeted it again, but added “@etnow” because she really wanted to get the word out since everybody (read: nobody) was wondering.
Stacey went on to tweet, “I read a book about @jeffreydahmer in ’06. Just want to let everyone know that he never murdered and ate me. @radar_online.” A few hours later, she also tweeted, “Just watched Chasing Madoff from ’10. I’d like everyone to know that @BernieMadoff never stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from me. @examinercom @starcasm.”
Glad you cleared that up for us, Stacey.
Back in July, a bunch of dramatic shit went down between Taryn Manning (aka crazy meth-mouthed hillbilly princess Pennsatucky from OITNB) and her former friend Jeanine Heller that ended with Taryn and Jeanine getting slapped with a mutual restraining order after neither would stop sending each other nasty texts and dragging each other on social media. Even Taryn’s dog Penguin got dragged into that mess. Poor Penguin – he doesn’t need that shit!
Not surprisingly, Taryn and Jeanine weren’t able to go more than 24-hours without antagonizing each other. Jeanine ended up being the first to get arrested for violating their mutual restraining order, and now it looks like it’s Taryn’s turn. According to TMZ, Taryn recently started sending a bunch of not-nice texts and messages through social media to Jeanine, like “Go fuck yourself and die” and “I will kill you, bitch“. Jeanine took them to court, and a judge determined on Tuesday that sending death threats is a clear violation of their restraining order. DUH! Unfortunately, Taryn didn’t show up to court, so the judge cited her for contempt and told police to arrest her ass.
However, according to Taryn Manning, she was never arrested and TMZ’s story is BS. Taryn took to Twitter to explain that despite being as crazy as the character she plays on TV, you won’t see her in an orange jumpsuit any time soon:
Last Wednesday, Bono CHEATED DEATH!!! when the rear hatch door of the private plane he was riding it ripped off during a flight from Dublin to Berlin. The hatch door probably fell on a poor soul who seconds beforehand finally managed to delete U2′s new album from their iPad. Nobody on the planet was injured and Bono, of course, lived. Well, the Grim Reaper must be a Neil Young fan, because in NYC yesterday, he blew an air kiss at Bono. Page Six says that while cycling in Central Park, he got into some kind of crash and now he’s lying in a hospital bed. Bono needs surgery on his arm to fix it. U2 was supposed to play on The Tonight Show all week long, but they announced on their website that they’ve canceled all of their shows after death came for Bono for the second time in 5 days.
It looks like we will have to do our Tonight Show residency another time – we’re one man down. Bono has injured his arm in a cycling spill in Central Park and requires some surgery to repair it. We’re sure he’ll make a full recovery soon, so we’ll be back! Much thanks to Jimmy Fallon and everyone at the show for their understanding.
The makers of tinted and colored lenses are going to get together and build Bono a protective colored lens bubble for him to live in, because he might be in a Final Destination situation and nothing can happen to their #1 customer.
But really, who keeps trying to take Bono out (besides everyone who heard the last U2 album)? Let’s see… Bono is Apple’s main bitch and he was supposed to play The Tonight Show every night for a week. Hmm… hmmm… Someone should check the footage from a surveillance camera near the place where Bono had his bike locked. They’d probably see Bill Gates, Conan O’Brien and Chris Martin dropping the wrenches and cans of grease they had in their hands to high five each other while tip-toeing away from the scene.
And here’s Bono outside of the London studio where a star-studded (see: not star-studded at all) group of singers recorded Band Aid 30 Do They Know It’s Christmas? (aka the song that will kill Ebola once and for all).
Robert Pattinson finally unveiled what’s been lurking underneath his hat and it’s more terrifying and ridiculous than we could have ever imagined. The enchanted unicorn forest is now a symbol for a hipster nightmare.
At the Go Campaign’s 7th Annual Go Go Gala in Beverly Hills last night (Side note: “GO! GO!” is what I screamed after looking at the shit that Peaky Blinders threw up on RPattz’s head), RPattz made everyone’s brain explode with the puzzle on his head. I’m going to need Dan Brown to explain this shit to me. The front is giving me “errrr” and the back is giving me “aaaaaaaah.”
RPattz’s head is like a game of Classic Concentration. I see three things on his head: a long-haired guinea pig in a wind storm, Moe Howard and an extra chunky landing strip. Hmm… What do you get when you add those things together? Oh I know. You get this word:
I hate to sound like one of those Robsten4Eva crazies who haven’t had their meds yet, but that is all FKA Twigs on his head. Sure, RPattz could be earning extra coins by advertising Dumber and Dumber To on his head or it could be for a movie where he plays a man who was savagely attacked by a Flowbee, but I’m guessing it was FKA Twigs’ idea. One night while she was dancing naked in a cloud of incense, she looked down at the double lane landing strip on her crotch and thought to herself that it would be really hot if her man had a matching one on the back of his head. RPattz better watch it, though. Because Michelle Rodriguez and Gerard Butler are going to try to lick and bump crotches with the cooch strip on his head.
It could’ve been a work of art, though. All RPattz had to do was leave a circle patch underneath that strip and he would’ve paid tribute to one of the most iconic perfumes of the late 80s and 90s.
It would’ve made a statement without saying a word.
Pics: Getty, Splash
No wonder Beyonce’s last Instagram picture looked like it was ‘shopped with a half-broken version of Photoshop 0.07 full of dull and overused tools, because all of the Photoshop was used on this Paper Magazine cover of greasy trash coming out of a trash bag. RIP Adobe. We should’ve known you’d eventually spit out your last breath while pasting someone else’s waist on Kim Kartrashian’s extra glazed plastic ass.
Last night, thousands of people pushed away the plate of greasy, over-stuffed pork dumplings they were having for dinner and said, “Yeah no, I’m okay,” after seeing Kummy Kakes’ Photoshopped ass looking like a family of hairless warthogs oil wrestling in a trash bag. That picture of Kummy looking like a centaur Who was taken by Jean-Paul Goude who took several iconic pictures of Grace Jones back in the day.
Jean-Paul Goude also recreated his famous “champagne glass balancing on an ass” picture with Kim and it’s after the cut. Computers and fingers were broken while Photoshopping that shit.
When I was a teenager I loved (and I still love) all the women alt-rock singers of that time like Dolores O’Riordan, Paula Cole, Joan Osborne, Nina Persson, Lisa Loeb, etc…etc…. I went to Lilith Fair twice. Yeah, when I was a teenager I wanted to grow up to be a lesbian coffeeshop barista who writes alt poetry on the side. So today, the teenager in me screamed, “Oh, Dolores O’Riordan.” ”
43-year-old Dolores O’Riordan, the lead singer of The Cranberries, was in police custody in Ireland today after allegedly going crazy on a flight. CNN says that on an Aer Lingus flight from JFK to Shannon Airport in mid-West Ireland this morning, Dolores joined the mile high fight club by attacking a flight attendant for reasons unknown. When the plane landed at Shannon Airport, the police got on board and Dolores continued to bust out some fuckery by allegedly headbutting an officer who was trying to arrest her. The one good thing about getting headbutted by Dolores O’Riordan is that afterward you can touch your head and say, “I know I’ve felt like this before, but now I’m feeling it even more, because it came from you.”
The police say that the female flight attendant was taken to the hospital with a foot or leg injury. The police officer who got a forehead full of O’Riordan head was fine and didn’t need attention from a medical professional. Dolores was also taken to the hospital and was released a little while later. A spokeswhore for Aer Lingus says that the police are investigating this mess:
“An incident took place on board flight EI 110 en route from New York to Shannon today, Monday 10th November. The matter is being investigated by An Garda Siochana. As this is a security matter we will not comment any further.”
The police didn’t say whether or not the sweet nectar played a part in this, but that scent of booze wafting off of that story tells me it might’ve.
Wiki says that Dolores and her husband of 20 years Don Burton, who used to be Duran Duran’s tour manager, and their three kids split their time between their home in Dublin and a cabin in Buckhorn, Ontario, Canada. During an interview with The Independent a few years ago, Dolores said that when she was in her early 20s, she pretty much had a nervous breakdown from having to perform all the time. A couple of years after that, she moved to Canada full-time to be an “ordinary person” and raise her kids.
Who knows what’s going on here, but I do want to know if right before she headbutted that cop, Dolores said, “Hey, what’s in your heeeeeeaaaaaad?“
“That’s genius!” screamed Lindsay Lohan, as she began frantically rummaging around in Dina’s garage for her old bicycle.
According to TMZ, Andy Dick has once again redefined the word HOT MESS. Last week, Andy was riding his bike around Hollywood (note: I ride my bike everywhere, and even I wouldn’t ride around Hollywood. That shit is dangerous! I don’t wanna get hit by one of those homemade tour buses!) when he saw a guy wearing a chain he liked. So he pulled over and asked if he could see it. The guy recognized it was Andy Dick, thought “Surely a man with a history of being crazy won’t do anything crazy“, and handed over the $1000 necklace. That’s when Andy grabbed it and rode off.
TMZ says the owner of the chain then went to police to report that Andy Dick had stolen his joo-rey, but they couldn’t find him anywhere. Unfortunately for Andy, the police found him last night near his apartment in Hollywood, and they arrested his chain-stealing getaway bike-riding buttered popcorn-looking ass. He was released early this morning when someone posted his $25,000 bail.
The only thing I really want to know is how high was Andy Dick when this happened. You’ve got to be pretty fucked to steal someone’s necklace and ride away on a bicycle. Then again, you’ve got to be pretty fucked to hand over a necklace to Andy Dick on a bicycle. Then again, if you’ve ever lived in Hollywood (which I did for a very short time), you know that Andy Dick rolling up to you on a bike and asking to see your necklace is not even that weird. I’ve seen a Spiderman wearing Ugg boots slap another Spiderman with a Wetzel’s Pretzel at a bus stop once. So yeah, dude who handed over your necklace, I get it. You’re dumb, but I get it.