Conrad Hilton strut out of the clink just two weeks ago, and now his daddy’s got to clean up another mess he may have produced. And this latest mess involves drunk driving, barf and a broken bong. (Pour out some used bong water for that broken bong.) The current reigning pride of the Hilton family has been sued by a woman who claims that last May, 22-year-old Conrad crashed his daddy’s white Range Rover head-first into her car and was dazed, confused and covered with barf. Hmm… I guess Parasite Hilton’s one-time frenemy Lindsay Lohan taught a young Conrad Hilton how to drive.
“Note to self: Fire my managers, agents and anyone else who thought doing this shit show of biblical proportions was a good idea.” – Morgan Freeman in that picture. It looks like his horse is thinking the same thing too.
Pretty much nobody thought to themselves “#ImWithHur” and acted upon it this past weekend, because it totally flopped at the domestic box office. Deadline reports that Ben-Hur got pounded by Sausage Party, Suicide Squad and War Dogs. (That sounds like the most messed-up orgy ever.) Ben-Hur brought in a whopping $11 million, which is nearly 1/10th of the $100 million it cost to make. Mark Burnett and Roma Downey, who already made a lot of money off of the Bible, produced this wreck, so I have a feeling that the next time they pray to Jesus, they’re going to be hit with an error 404, because he just can’t with them right now.
“And I’m like, ‘Whatever,'” is probably what Ryan Lochte’s response to that news since his ass is far away from Brazil.
ABC News says that after investigating, the police in Rio believe that the dimmest dolphin in the pod, Ryan Lochte, and his teammate James Feigen should be indicted for filing a fraudulent police report. The case is with prosecutors who will decide whether or not to make that happen. James is still in Rio, so if he’s indicted, he could find himself in handcuffs, but most likely not. A Brazilian judge said that they won’t go prison. They’ll most likely just have to pay a fine.
Ryan is somewhere probably not giving a fuck since he’s in the U.S. and the false police report charge isn’t extraditable. But Ryan is still sticking with his story and is screaming, “Unjeah!” over some of the reports he’s seeing. Unjeah is the opposite of jeah, right?
One good thing to come out of this tale of dumb fuckery is that I learned that “scandal” in Portuguese is also “escândalo.” I lit up like Ryan Lochte after finally winning a game of Rocks, Paper, Siccor.
And in today’s episode of “This Is What Happens When Ryan Lochte Tries To Mastermind An Elaborate Lie,” we learn that he and three other U.S. swimmers were probably not robbed at gunpoint by thieves pretending to be cops. Ryan’s story started falling apart a quick minute after he opened up his mouth and now it’s a bigger mess than that hair color. Last night, authorities in Brazil pulled two of the swimmers, Jack Conger and Gunnar Bentz, off of a flight for questioning, and they stopped the fourth swimmer, Jimmy Feigen, from leaving the country. And today, the Associated Press reports that Jack and Gunnar told authorities that they made up the robbery story. I’m sure that all of this will be seen in Netflix’s new investigative series titled Making A Moron.
It feels like I was slapped in the face with casting news after casting news today, and sadly for me, none of the news is about how Hollywood is doing something right for once by making an all-gay reboot of Showgirls called Showgays starring Matt Boner and Cheyenne Jackson. I’ve lumped up all the news into one post and it works because every one of these projects has the potential to be a big, sloppy, gay mess or just a big, sloppy mess.
On Friday night, TMZ posted a video of a plastered Johnny Depp violently breaking crap and letting out slurry groans like a drunk threatening bear. The video was shot by Amber Heard a few months before he allegedly attacked her in May. And today, TMZ posted more evidence of Johnny getting violent and losing his shit. They posted one heave-inducing gross picture of Johnny’s tip-less finger, which they say he got while raging during a fight with Amber. They posted another picture of a mirror with the words “Starring Billy Bob Easy Amber,” which Johnny allegedly wrote in his own blood and blue paint after he accused Amber Heard of cheating on him by passing her poon to Billy Bob Thornton. That is gross, but I still don’t think it tops that whole “blood vial necklace” thing as the grossest story involving blood and Billy Bob Thornton.