Category: MESS

Brad Pitt Got Himself A Divorce Lawyer And Will Fight For Joint Custody

September 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Why do I have a feeling that during Brad Pitt’s first meeting with his divorce lawyer, his lawyer said, “Okay, champ, I just want to make it clear that by ‘joint custody’ we’re not talking about custody of your joints and blunts. I’m sure you’ll get full custody of those in the divorce. We’re talking about the children.” And yes, in my mind, every dude divorce lawyer calls his client “champ.”

It was rumored that Brad Pitt was not going to just let Angelina Jolie have full physical custody of their 6 children. Brad reportedly wants 50/50 physical custody, and isn’t going to settle for “visitation rights.USA Today says that Brad Pitt has hired big Hollywood divorce lawyer Lance Spiegel to fight for him and go up against Angelina Jolie’s lawyer, the Legal Queen of Hollywood Divorces Laura Wasser. TMZ says that Brad will 100% fight for joint physical custody and sources say that he will argue that he is not a threat to the child army in any way.

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Jim Carrey Got Sued For The Wrongful Death Of His Girlfriend

September 19, 2016 / Posted by:

About a year ago, Jim Carrey’s 30-year-old Irish makeup artist girlfriend Cathriona White committed suicide in her home in Sherman Oaks, CA. She and Jim Carrey had been on-and-off for 3 years and he had reportedly broken up with her just a few days before she died. She left suicide notes including one to Jim Carrey. A few weeks after she overdosed on prescription drugs, it was reported that next to her were 4 pill bottles. The name on 3 of the bottles was allegedly the alias that Jim used for prescriptions. (It’s illegal in CA, but apparently famous tricks do that a lot for privacy reasons.) The other bottle had a different name on it. Well, since Jim Carrey is famous and has bank accounts overfilled with money, he’s been sued by Cathriona’s estranged husband for wrongful death.

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Now For A Bitchy Email Fight Between Two College Roommates Over The Best Bunk Bed

September 15, 2016 / Posted by:

Seen above on the right: the best bunk bed.

It’s September, which means there are tons of students who have just moved in their first shared college dorm. As anyone who did college knows, your roommate situation can be a real crapshoot. Sometimes you’re paired with a roommate who doesn’t care that you spend most of your time eating raw cookie dough crumbled into a giant bowl of instant butterscotch pudding while watching Jenny Jones in you underwear in a broken butterfly chair (hey Lauren!). And sometimes you’re paired with a roommate you’re convinced was conceived in the 7th layer of Hell when Satan had unprotected sex with a nightmare taking the form of a human. And sometimes when that happens, one of the roommates says “Fuck it” and tweets the emails that were sent between the roommates and we all get to suffer together.

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Tidal’s Waves Are Full Of Debt!

September 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Ever since Tidal’s grand launch last year, it’s been hit with shit news after shit news and it looks like it’s been living up to its name by turning out to be a disaster.

It was reported that Tidal let go of its CEO and 25 employees and later pink-slipped even more employees. It was also reported that Jay-Z was about to sue Tidal’s previous owners for inflating the number of subscribers they claimed they had. And now a business newspaper from Norway, where Tidal has offices, says that the streaming service that was supposed to drown Spotify lost millions of dollars last year. We all knew shit was probably not going to go well for Tidal when Madge put her knee on the table and sprawled herself out while signing some kind of contract during its weird launch. That was a bad, bad omen.

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A Mattress Store In Texas Thought It Was A Really Good Idea To Do A 9/11-Themed Ad For Their “Twin Towers” Sale

September 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Florida, go ahead and take the rest of the day off, because today, Texas is providing the high-octane fuckery!

I guess Miracle Mattress of Texas saw the extremely tasteful soda Twin Towers sculpture at a Walmart in Florida and decided to outdo those messes hard. And how! At least three people at that company decided three things:

1) Doing a “Twin Towers” mattress sale on 9/11 is a brilliant idea.

2) Doing an ad where they stack mattresses like the twin towers and then fall into them while screaming is another brilliant move.

3) Uploading it onto the internet so that everyone can see is yet another brilliant move.

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The Difficult Brown Allegedly Pulled A Gun On A Woman

August 30, 2016 / Posted by:

It may look like Chris Brown is throwing the peace sign, but he’s actually throwing a sign at the photographers that says, “You bitches better not even think of looking at me funny or I’ll poke both of your eyes out.” So yeah, we should just assume that all the photographers taking his picture were women.

The sky is blue, water is water, a Duggar is pregnant, we’re mourning the loss of another legend and Fist Brown has allegedly struck again. It’s just another day in the life of being alive in 2016. TMZ says that the SWAT Team and the LAPD are at Chateau de Fisty in Tarzana, CA., because a woman called 911 and claimed that he threatened her with a gun. That sounds about right.

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