It’s been way too long since I’ve been lucky enough to write about a citizen’s arrest. But the citizen’s arrest dry spell is over thanks to actor, comedian and noted mess T.J. Miller allegedly busting a slappity slap show on an Uber driver’s face after fighting about Donald Trump. But before we get to the end-of-the-week fuckery provided by the dude from Silicon Valley, I’ll explain why in that picture, he looks like a 12-year-old you after you pierced your ear in the bathroom using only ice, a safety pin and a prayer. And yes, it’s because of Trump.
Brad Pitt’s legal team asked the judge in his child custody war with St. Angie Jolie to seal the details of their fight and stick them in a place that nobody would dare to look (under a By The Sea DVD). Yesterday, the judge turned down Brad’s request and today, someone hit him with a, “Ha ha, bitch you tried,” by leaking some more information about their custody situation.
Here’s some good news that no doubt had Russell Crowe whipping a phone into the air while shouting “Hooray for me!” (I’m pretty sure he can’t not celebrate without throwing something).
It’s been a quick minute since I posted about the legal fight for Nick Loeb and Sofia Vergara’s frozen embryos, so let’s catch up real quick. When Nick and Sofia were together, they embryos and those embryos were frozen. But then they broke up, and Sofia went on to screw her now-husband Joe ManJello and Nick went on try to screw her in court. Nick sued for custody of the frozen embryos and he mouth shit out a diarrhea stream of bullshit about how he’s pro-life and just can’t leave his “children” in a freezer. Nick cried that he’s always wanted to be a father. Sofia doesn’t want that and wants the embryos to remain frozen forever.
Since then, Sofia’s legal team put on their rubber gloves and decided to get as messy as Nick has. Sofia demanded that Nick publicly give up the names of the two ex-girlfriends who had abortions around 20 years ago. Sofia’s lawyers wanted to depose the women and question them about Nick’s past sex life and abortion beliefs. A judge in California sided with Sofia. Nick refused to spit up those names and Page Six says that instead of naming his exes, he dropped his lawsuit against Sofia in California on Tuesday. But it’s far from over and in fact, this shit has climbed to a level of fuckery I didn’t think existed. Sofia and Nick’s embryos are suing her. I see that 2016 still has a napkin tied around its neck, because it’s obviously not done with eating us alive.
Lapo Elkann, the 39-year-old grandson of the ex-CEO of Fiat and my one-time favorite panty creamer, has once again found himself in a messy situation. If Dynasty was re-written by Bret Easton Ellis, Lapo would be a character.
The New York Post says that about 11 years ago, Lapo was found naked and near death after overdosing in the apartment of a transgender hooker in Turin, Italy. And over the weekend, Lapo allegedly partied with another transgender hooker, but this time things didn’t end with him almost kissing the Grim Reaper. It ended with Lapo owing the hooker thousands upon thousands of dollars. So Lapo did what anybody would do when they owe a hooker thousands upon thousands of dollars: he called his family and told them that he was kidnapped and his captor was demanding $10,000 in ransom money. Hmmmm… Unless you’re an evil genius, like that chick from Gone Girl, it’s probably not a good idea to fake your own kidnapping.
Greetings, I’m Krista and I’ll be your new filler queen for this season of Michael K’s Dlisted. Since Michael and Allison occasionally want to take a break from staring red-eyed into a computer screen to attend to their “real” “lives,” I’ll be popping in and out to make sure the Dlisted mission statement (whatever that is) is kept up. So without further ado, let’s get to the hard-hitting Dennis Rodman news of the hour.
The Los Angeles Times reports that Dennis Rodman has been charged for the crimes detailed in his July arrest. In case you’re like me, and your brain does a helpful Force Quit flusheroo on most Rodman news, let me refresh your memory: some time this past July, Dennis Rodman was completely sober and of 100% sound mind and body and somehow found himself going the wrong way in a highway carpool lane.