The 17-year-old aspiring dirtbag wannabe skater girl in me just collapsed on the floor and started sobbing into a pile of Dickies pants and baseball raglans and empty tubes of Fudge Paintbox Pretty Flamingo hair dye, because my pop punk reason for living – Blink-182 – is currently in a bad way. During a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Blink-182′s Mark Hoppus and tattooed millipede Travis Barker took off their studded bracelets and took several bitchy swipes at Blink-182′s former guitarist Tom DeLonge. And those swipes were especially bitchy, because Tom DeLonge says he wasn’t aware that he had ever quit the band. Ooooh, adult dude drama!
Yes, Anthony Mackie is one of those who wants his girlfriend to call him “daddy.”
Anthony Mackie’s mouth is on a roll! Anthony Mackie’s mouth got him into some shit the other day when he said in an interview with theGrio that Selma got snubbed at the Oscars, because people are tired of being bombarded with race. Anthony also said that black guys with dreadlocks shouldn’t be surprised when the police think they’re up to no good and they’re part of the police violence problem. Anthony cried that he was lied to and he was promised that his words were off the record, but theGrio delivered the receipts in the form of video of the interview that proved otherwise. And well, his mouth is back!
Anthony was on Wendy Williams and she brought up his thoughts on gender roles. Anthony, who has been with his girlfriend since the 2nd grade, told Wendy that he’s Southern so he believes that if a dude mows the lawn and opens up her car door, his woman better make him a goddamn sandwich and she better call him daddy. Even Wendy said that she’s grossed out by chicks who call their man “daddy.” But Anthony kept on and kept on and said that men want to be called daddy and they want that sandwich! The daddy and sandwich talks starts at around the 5:25 mark:
Kaley Cuoco just fell in love for real.
Never mind that you’re probably looking at me like, “Michael, stop playing and don’t act like you’ve never called a dude daddy before, you nasty, gross slut,” what is it with these “make me sammy” types always wanting a simple sandwich. It is 2015 and they should go harder. I mean, if they’re going to be doing hard labor like open a car door and push a lawn mower, they should except more than a simple sandwich. They should expect their woman to make the bread herself, slaughter the pig for the ham, grow her own lettuce, whip a bunch of eggs into mayo and while she’s doing that, she better iron his chonies before stitching the words “my daddy” into them. All he wants is a simple sandwich? Come on, Anthony!
And when Wendy asked Anthony what kind of sandwich his woman makes for daddy, he said, “Ham usually, but she adds this delicious spread that’s pretty slimy and green. Daddy loves it!“
I’m talking about the lips on her mouth. No word yet on her other lips.
Wannabe porn star/Christian author/Mother of the Century/Black Belt Fame Whore, Farrah Abraham, made every crested macaque’s proctologist think to themselves, “Hmmm, where have I seen that before?“, when she tweeted pictures of her “power bottom’s b-hole after a 10-hour pass around orgy” lips. Farrah claimed that she had some kind of allergic reaction while getting an implant installed in her lips. In case you blocked it out (although, I know it’s your iPhone’s wallpaper), here’s the picture of Farrah’s terrifying Leela from Futurama Cosplay.
Over the weekend, Backdoor Farrah hosted some event at The Scene Nightclub in Long Island and her lips didn’t look as busted. Farrah would sell her daughter to pirates if it meant she’d get a small blurb in InTouch Weekly, so some of us guessed that she purposefully screwed herself up to get on the E! reality show Botched. Pat yourself on the taint if you guessed that. You’re probably right. You really know your shameless fame whores.
RumorFix posted a picture of Farrah meeting with Dr. Terry Dubrow and Dr. Paul Nasiff while shooting an episode of Botched. This trick is a wreck. She didn’t even need to inject a can of Fix-A-Flat into her mouth to get on botched. She could’ve left her lips alone and asked them to fix her botched brain instead. I wonder what Farrah will do next to get on TV?
She’ll marry a gay mormon to get on My Husband’s Not Gay. She’ll gain 200 pounds to get on The Biggest Loser. She’ll get de-lengthening surgery on her legs to get on The Little Couple. She’ll get duck lips again so she can go on Duck Dynasty. And after all of that, she’ll finally be committed and star in TLC’s Tales From The Mental Ward. Surprisingly, TLC doesn’t have a show called Tales From The Mental Ward….yet.
While Goopy Paltrow was over on Watch What Happens Live trying to convince us all that the most hardcore drug she’s done is ecstasy and not a potent hallucinogenic made of petrified saliva from a red-crowned crane and the 200-year-old pre-cum of a 19th century shaman, her Mortdecunt co-star Johnny Depp was at Jimmy Kimmel Live looking like this. Johnny Depp was his usually Johnny Depp and spit out a story about Marlon Brando. Jimmy really missed an opportunity to say, “Bitch, you love Marlon Brando so much that you’re morphing into last days Brando.”
The LAPD should officially investigate Johnny Depp for first degree murder, because he truly has killed his hotness. He looks like the surprise toilet baby of Vince Neil and KD Lang who is the worst crew member of a traveling renaissance faire and smells like Munster marinating in gutter water and that jar of kitchen grease my abuelita kept under the sink. Normally I’d think that’s the look but not this time.
And the way Amber Heard is trailing behind Johnny’s ass… She looks like the girl he kidnapped, brainwashed and forced to dress like him. In almost every picture, she’s making a look that says, “I swear, the cheesy peens you gotta suck to get ahead in the game…”
I watch a lot of HSN and QVC (No, I don’t buy any of that crap! Ignore that pile in the corner of WEN by Chaz Dean hair products and Huggable Hangers.), so I’m used to the crazy and hilarious dumb stuff that comes out of their mouth as they try to sell useless shit to stoned gays (GUILTY!), insomniac memaws and lonely housewives. It’s understandable since they always have to keep their mouths moving, but this shit that happened earlier this week is a beautiful train wreck of derp.
While selling some blouses that look like rags a bunch of Lisa Frank animals got their periods on, Isaac Mizrahi and QVC’s Shawn Killinger got into a debate on whether the moon is a planet or a star or whatever. Duh mun: HoW duz it werk? If this clip was their audition to take over from Neil deGrasse Tyson as the new hosts of Cosmos, they nailed that bitch! I hope this leads to them starring with Sherri Shepherd in an educational TV show about astronomy and evolution.
And in case you need it in text form:
Shawn: It almost kind of looks like what the earth looks like when you’re a bazillion miles away from the planet moon. The planet moon….. From the moon looking back at the earth.
Isaac: From the planet moon…..
Shawn: Isn’t the moon a star?
Isaac: (in his Auntie Mame accent) No, the moon is a planet, darling.
Shawn: The sun is a star. Is the moon really a planet? Don’t look at me like that! The sun is a star. Is the sun not a star?
Isaac: I don’t know what the sun is.
Shawn: The sun is a star, isn’t it? (After a producer says something into her ear) The moon is not a planet. I KNEW IT! You were trying to take me down that road.
Isaac: The moon is not a planet! Wait, excuse me, Chunky….
Those dum-dums! The moon is a planet and the sun is a star? HA! Everyone knows that the sun is a British baby and the moon is a sunglasses-wearing, piano-playing lounge singer. Embarrassing! They need to watch more 80s and 90s television so they can educate themselves right. And who is Chunky? Is Chunky a planet or a star?
This has happened before and it will happen again and again and again. And no, those aren’t an extra pair of nipple-less saggy tits. That’s her rib cage. I think.
Because Miley Cyrus won’t stop showing her chipmunk chichis until every single pair of eyeballs on this planet have seen them and we’ve all simultaneously screamed, “Okay, okay, you’re not Hannah fucking Montana anymore,” she’s naked in V Magazine. The Polaroids, which look like some creepy shit found in the FBI evidence storage room in the early 80s, were taken by her best friend/assistant/hanger-on/whatever, Cheyne Thomas, during her Bangerz World Tour. Bitches are trying to out-Uncle Terry Uncle Terry.
Miley threw up a few of these pictures on Instagram with this note:
@vmagazine exclusive #diaryofadirtyhippie order yurrrr copy nowwwww cumzzzz w ol school pull out postahhhh photography by @cheythom fuck yaaaas weez a bunch of happy hippies ova hurrrr! Muah Vfam!
Did she have a few brain aneurysms while typing that or is that just how you type when you’re raised by Billy Ray?
And you know, I’m not totally sure that these aren’t the real un-Photoshopped pictures of Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein ads.
On New Year’s Day, the talking Bump-It who could have been this country’s Vice President got a lot of shit thrown at her when she covered her Facebook page with several pictures of her 6-year-old son Trig using his service dog Jill as a step stool. Yeah, I don’t think “step stool” is on the list of Jill’s job requirements. Besides, dogs make terrible step stools. Their fur makes them all slippery and shit, and real step stools won’t bite your toes off if you step on them wrong.
Along with the pictures, Sarah Palin farted up some words of wisdom about her son stepping on poor ass Jill: “…..see every stumbling block turned into a stepping stone on the path forward. Trig just reminded me. He, determined to help wash dishes with an oblivious mama not acknowledging his signs for ‘up!’, found me and a lazy dog blocking his way. He made his stepping stone.” Many people screamed “DOG ABUSE” and PETA shit on Sarah Palin for thinking it’s cute to post pictures like that and call it a victory. Like PETA, Sarah Palin is not one to miss out on an opportunity to get a whole lot of attention, so she wrote a response on FB to PETA (read: got her assistants to write it for her) where she made sure to get her followers heated up by mentioning President Obama’s name.
Well, it’s good to know that Dustin
Diamond Cubic Zirconia is still the biggest yeast infection bump of the Saved By The Bell cast and that’s saying a lot since Mario Lopez was in that cast.
Gossip Cop says that Screech (which is also the sound his career made after SBTB ended) was arrested in Port Washington, Wisconsin early this morning after he allegedly pulled a switchblade on a woman at a bar. Apparently, the neck beard-having urethra pimple and his piece (TMZ says the piece is his wife Jennifer and Gossip Cop says it’s his girlfriend Amanda) got into a fight with another couple at the bar. TMZ says that the couple Screech and his piece were fighting with were trying to take a picture of them. The fight led to Screech’s piece reportedly punching out a woman. The cops were eventually called and that’s when Screech pulled a switchblade on a trick.
Screech’s piece was arrested for disorderly conduct and was released back into the wild this morning. Screech was also put into handcuffs and charged with possession of a switchblade, reckless endangerment and carrying a concealed weapon. His bail has been set at $1,000, so I’m sure Mr. Belding got a call really early this morning from a drunken mess asking for a loan. Screech is still sitting his pathetic ass in jail, so who knows if he’ll be saved by the bail or not.
Carrying a switchblade is against the law in Wisconsin.
This Christmas story has so many layers of messiness and I have many questions. Who in the Hell carries a switchblade? Does Dustin Diamond think he’s Pony Boy or some shit? Who in the Hell tries to take a picture of Screech’s ass in the year 2014? I know it’s Wisconsin, but damn. What kind of human woman goes out in public with Screech?!
And Screech doesn’t need to carry around a switchblade. If he really wants to inflict pain on a trick with a deadly weapon, he should just give them a copy of his sex tape. I haven’t been the same since watching that dark-sided nastiness.
UPDATE: TMZ says that Screech stabbed a dude with his switchblade and left a 1/2 inch wound. Screech claims that the guy he stabbed attacked he and his wife. Screech’s bail isn’t $1,000, it’s $10,000. So yeah, every SBTB cast member isn’t answering the phone today.
Once again, for those of you thinking “Which one is she? The Iggy or the Azalea?“, above is American-sounding Australian rapper Iggy Azalea. And the one she’s currently in a hate-hate relationship with is Azealia Banks. Don’t worry – it’s not just you; this feud is really confusing, and I’m able to tell the two apart. Not to mention that it’s making me type so many variations of the name “Azalea/Azealia” that I’ve just about worn out the Z key on my keyboard.
Anyways, last week Azalea Banks (not pictured) started focusing her patented brand of Twitter crazy on Iggy Azalea (pictured) by accusing her of profiting off of American rap culture. Iggy responded by dragging Azealia on Twitter, which prompted the hacker group Anonymous to threaten Iggy on Twitter that if she didn’t apologize to Azealia they’d release screen grabs from her hypothetical sex tape. Their Twitter account has since been suspended, but they were replaced with rapper Q-Tip, who decided to hop on Twitter and give Iggy a hip hop history lesson. Meanwhile, Twitter just bought the Costco-sized bottle of extra-strength Tylenol to deal with the massive headache it has from all this Twitter foolery.
And yesterday, Iggy responded to the haters or whatever on Twitter (“NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LEAVE ME ALONE!” cried Twitter, as it curled into the fetal position). And by “responded”, I mean “wrote a damn novel”.
After more than six months since he sailed up to Heaven on the sound of his own smooth voice and five months since his body was declared missing, TMZ says Casey Kasem has finally been buried. Normally when a person passes away, their family will make plans to have the body buried or cremated or blasted into outer space on a rocket. But if the deceased person’s family happens to be a bunch of dramatic messes who hate each other, like Casey Kasem’s crazy butter-colored wife Jean and his daughter Kerri, then there’s a greater chance they’ll put the burial on hold and fight over where to bury the body instead. And in true messy family drama fashion, Jean went ahead and had Casey’s body buried in Norway like
she wanted he wanted last Tuesday without telling his children.
You’d think that burying a body that has been decomposing for six months would be a good thing, but it sounds like it might have been a bit of a shady move on Jean’s part. According to TMZ, the LAPD are still conducting an investigation into claims made by Casey Kasem’s kids that he was a victim of elder abuse, but it’s going to be pretty difficult to have the body exhumed now that it’s buried in foreign soil. And even if they do get the OK from Norway to dig Casey’s body up, Jean never had it embalmed, which means that whatever bedsores he may or may not have had will be long gone. And just like that, Jean’s portrait was moved from the Gold Digger Hall of Fame to the Gold Digger Basement of Oh Hell No.
Regardless of how much side-eye we’re throwing waaaay up high to Jean for how she did it, at least Casey Kasem’s body is in its final resting place. Which is a good thing, because he’ll no doubt need lots of rest in preparation for the lifetime of haunting his ghost is going to give Jean for letting his body decompose for half a year.