As everyone who’s been following this batshit crazy custody saga knows, Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl and more importantly Melrose Place, has been fighting hard to get her kids Hermes and Helena back into the US. They’ve been living with their father Daniel Giersch (seen above giving you “preppy twink J. Crew assistant manager” realness with Kelly during happier times) in Monaco since 2012. A judge in California let Daniel, who is a German citizen, take the kids to Monaco, because his US Visa was revoked after someone on Kelly’s legal team reportedly decided to play a little dirty by telling the State Department about his alleged shady business dealings. Kelly denies this. Daniel is supposed to reapply for a US Visa, but he hasn’t yet.
Kelly has taken the case all the way to the federal level where it was denied. Now, she’s trying to get the White House and President Obama involved. With Kim Kartrashian’s help, she got over 100,000 signatures on her petition to get her kids back. Kelly has also been doing the media rounds and will fart at the mouth about this to anyone who puts a mic in front of her. Well, something she said to TMZ has kept her from seeing her kids in Monaco.
When it was announced that Law & Order: SVU legend Stephanie March and Lucky the Leprechaun’s smug-faced cousin Bobby Flay were quitting each other after 10 years of marriage and that it maybe had something to do with Bobby letting his assistant sample his chorizo, I knew it was only a matter of time before there was some prenup drama. Why? Because a Hollywood divorce is nothing without prenup drama! We already know that Stephanie wasn’t happy with the BBQ-basted prenup Bobby had her sign back in 2005, and now she has a reason, or at least a really good excuse, for why they should toss it in the trash.
TMZ says that Stephanie and Bobby’s prenup guarantees her $5,000 a month plus a $1 million buyout for their home, but Stephanie has an itchy #getmoneybitch hand and she’s looking to yank more cash out of Bobby’s wallet. Stephanie has filed documents claiming that she’s the reason Bobby is a meat-grilling millionaire, and therefore deserves a chunk of his cash. Stephanie says that Bobby once told her she has an “amazing palate” (“Yeah, he told me that too” said every chick who has ever blown Bobby Flay) and that he relied on her to taste everything he made before it went into his restaurants to make sure it was good.
Stephanie also claims that during a trip to Spain, she pushed Bobby to include tapas on the menu of his (now closed) restaurant, Bolo. Bolo became a success, and Stephanie thinks that’s her doing. She also adds that she helped with the design of his restaurants and picked out which music to play.
Of course, TMZ claims Bobby thinks Stephanie is full of BS, and he’s the reason his restaurants are successful.
It feels like every time I turn on the Food Network, Bobby Flay’s beady little ginger eyes are staring back at me from behind a barbeque or Giada De Laurentiis’ left shoulder, so he’s definitely getting paid. But to hand it over to someone who claims they picked out all the music for your restaurant 10 years ago? If a judge buys that, then I need to go to the bar I worked at in 2005 where I picked the music (Jordy Birch’s “Moola Moola” on a loop because my iPod was broken) and demand some money.
A few years ago, we, as a people, braced ourselves for the arrival of a Cyrus centaur baby when the Internet farted up a rumor that one of Mickey Mouse’s former hos, Brenda Song, had rode Trace Cyrus bareback-style and got knocked up. A quick minute after that rumor came out, Brenda Song’s mother supposedly told Star Magazine that her daughter’s uterus wasn’t filled with a fetus. Pictures came out of Brenda Song looking a little pregnant-ey, so some figured that her mother was in denial about being bound to the crazy ass Cyrus family forever. We were all preparing ourselves for a world where Trace Cyrus is somebody’s father, but then Brenda was papped crying while coming home from the hospital and it was reported that she miscarried. Trace broke up with Brenda a few months later. Brenda hasn’t said anything about the pregnancy rumors until now.
Recently, Brenda dusted off the old ass rumor and decided to talk about it on Instagram. She posted a note where she said that she was never knocked up and she never had a miscarriage. Brenda apologized for not shutting down the lies earlier. I’m not sure why she’s doing it now? I guess her attention spot needed itching. But not only was it scratched, it was shanked by Trace. After Brenda’s note went up, Trace called her out and accused her of making up the lies. Hell hath no fury like a tattooed rabid emo pony scorned. via Just Jared
The note was deleted after Trace spit up those fightin’ words at her.
ESCANDALO! That is some Gone Girl meets first season of Glee meets General Hospital shit. Faking a pregnancy is one thing, but faking a pregnancy so that Trace Cyrus will stay with you? Trace must seriously be horse hung and his dick must have the power to make chicks go insane, because damn. The most surprising part of all of this is that they didn’t stay together. Brenda seems crazy and Trace seems crazy, so they’re pretty much a match in crazy bitch heaven.
As Kim Richards of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills gets herself together in a Four Seasons-like rehab facility of luxury that talking used dildo Dr. Phil sent her to, the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office has slapped her with three misdemeanor charges including one count of public intoxication, one count of resisting arrest and one count of battery upon a peace officer. I would say that somebody needs to page Kathy Hilton to tell her to use her connections to keep one of her own out of the clink, but I’m pretty sure Kathy Hilton already used up all her favors on trying to keep her piece of trash kids out of the chokey.
Kim was put into handcuffs last month after she caused a scene at the Polo Lounge inside of The Beverly Hills Hotel while under the influence of the sweet nectar and other mind-altering stuff. Kim locked herself in the bathroom and when the police dragged her out, she kicked one of them. UsWeekly claims that the documents say that Kim was high on “liquor and a drug, a controlled substance, and toluene” at the time of her arrest. If convicted of all charges, Kim could be sitting in prison for two and a half years. If Kim Richards actually gets sentenced to two and a half years in prison (shit, if she gets sentenced to two and a half hours in prison), Pimp Mama Kris better start collecting Khlozilla’s waxed-off back hair scraps, because she’s going to need to make an extra warm jacket to send to her maker Lucifer since Hell would have frozen over.
Since this week’s theme seems to be “Let’s Take A Sloppy, Corn-Filled Soft Shit On Childhoods of the 80s,” here’s the Earth Girls Are Easy-inspired video for “Pretty Girls” starring Our Lady of Cheetos and the second hardest white girl rapper in the game (next to Sophia Grace, of course). Iggy Azalea co-directed this mess, so you already know how it’s going to go.
The song itself sounds like the fart “Fancy” pooted out after eating Gwen Stefani’s “Harajuku Girls.” Brit Brit’s “Siri on helium” impersonation is spot-on and you can barely understand what Iggy is saying, which is probably a good thing. As for the video, I’ll take off my cunt cap (“That’s impossible. It’s permanently stitched into your skull.” – you) and start with the positives. Brit Brit in 80s drag is giving me “40-something Real Housewife of Orange County at an 80s costume party” and that IS the look. She’s also looking more alive than ever. In her videos, she usually looks as “into it” as John Travolta getting a massage from a woman. She even makes an OMGIMSOEXCITED face a few times. It’s as if the other director screamed, “Brit, act like papa just bought you a PUPPEH friend for Christmastimes!”
Now for the bad: EVERYTHING ELSE.
If you’re going to watch any part of this wreck, watch the Samsung Galaxy commercial masquerading as an acting scene at around the 2:05 mark. Iggy does an “alien as a Valley Girl” accent and it is a thing of wonder. It made my ear holes shit up question marks. Bitch’s accent sounds like what a sedated walrus would sound like if it tried to speak English.
I also like the end of the video when Brit Brit claps all excited-like while getting abducted by aliens. She was probably happy that she was being beamed out of that mess of a video.
And if you need a palate cleanser, here’s a scene from Earth Girls are Easy featuring the Pink Queen of Hollywood Angelyne. Iggy, take note. THIS is acting!
While the world’s top neurologists work tirelessly to find a cure for dickmatization, Charlize Theron continues to baffle everyone by talking about angry mummified hot dog Sean Penn without using the words “I know, I don’t know why either.” Although she did recently admit to Elle UK that things got a bit dramatic with her maybe fiance when they decided to work together. That sound you just heard was every filing cabinet drawer being yanked open to the file marked Surprising, Things Which Are Not.
Charlize and Sean decided to give their relationship the future kiss of death by filming a movie together called The Last Face. Sean Penn is directing Charlize, and it sounds like it’s going about as well as working with Sean Penn would be.
“Putting aside that he’s my partner, he’s the love of my life; for the first time, I felt that my work was really bleeding into my life and that made it hard. There were moments where I was incredibly unfair to him. And moments where I felt like…he was incredibly unfair to me. But it makes you realize that no matter how complicated it gets, the priority is the relationship.”
Now is the time I wish more people wrote tell-alls, because I would 100% read a tell-all from the set of The Last Face. The things that craft services table has seen! I really need to know if any of those “unfair” moments involved shoving a cellphone inside a tuna salad on rye and whipping it at someone’s face.
Here’s more of Charlize looking all ~moody~ in Elle UK:
We’ve already seen Jared Leto looking like a cracked out Juggalo as The Joker and tonight the director of Suicide Squad, David Ayers, queefed up a picture of the entire squad in costume. From left to right: Adam Beach as Slipknot, Jai Courtney as Boomerang, Karen Fukuhara as Katara, Cara Delawhatever as Enchantress, Joel Kinnaman as Rick Flagg, Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn, Will Smith as Deadshot, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Killer Croc and Jay Hernandez as El Diablo. Click here to see that shit bigger.
They look like a group of friends who dressed up in Suicide Squad cosplay for Comic-Con, but did it on a budget and bought all their outfits at Hot Topic and Party City. But Jai Courtney is doing it for me. He’s throwing the kind of dirty come hither look that a down low gay would throw while trolling for ass in the park and I’m into it.
Also, I’m pretty sure that I once bought Ecstasy from Harley Quinn at a rave in Downtown L.A. in 1998.
And it turned out to be bunk! Bitch owes me $20!
In Case You Missed It, Here’s Jamie Foxx Delivering Some Raw Emotion While Yodeling Out The National Anthem
I didn’t watch that Merriweather vs. La Pequeña fight last night, because if I want to watch two sweaty dudes hug all sweet-like and give each other blows to the face, I’ll log into Sean Cody. Besides, if there’s a fight in a ring and none of the beauties from GLOW are involved, I’m not interested. But apparently everyone watched that mess (the fight even fucked with Robert Downey Jr.’s money) and from what I read, the consensus is that the fight was about as exciting and riveting as watching two sleepy toddlers on Ritalin play with a half-broken boxing ring toy. Apparently, the best part happened before the fight when Katie Holmes’ maybe fuck buddy opened his mouth and made the bald eagle cry with his version of The Star-Spangled Banner. Shit had more ups, downs and surprises than the actual fight.
While Mary J. Blige, Beyonce and Mimi sat in the audience, Jamie and an organ player took our ears all sorts of places. Of course, some hating bitches on Twitter said that Jamie should be arrested for butchering the National Anthem and said that his runs made them want to run away. But I, for one, loved it, especially the last super messy 10 seconds.
I didn’t even watch that stupid fight and can say that Jamie Foxx’s performance was more thrilling. You didn’t know who was going to win: Jamie Foxx’s vocal cords or those high notes? And that random “hallelujah” at the end probably made a thousand haters say “hallelujah” too, because they were glad it was finally over.
And here’s some famous hos who were at last night’s Jamie Foxx Does The National Anthem Show (featuring that fight).
The last time we checked in on Kelly Rutherford’s dramatic Not Without My Two Fancy-Named Children custody battle, a federal court had just denied her request to bring her children, Hermes and Helena, back to the US from France, where they had been living with their father/Kelly’s ex-husband Daniel Giersch since 2012. Because the words “federal court” sound very serious to me, and I assumed that was as far as Kelly would be able to take her custody battle, but apparently it’s not. People says Kelly is now going to President Obama with it.
Since we’re on the subject of painful performances, here’s Scott Weiland putting the “WHY?” in Scott Weiland while slurring out Stone Temples Pilots‘ “Vasoline” during a show with his band the Wildabouts in Corpus Christi, TX on Tuesday night. In the cringe-inducing video below, Scott jokes that they’re going to do a new song they’ve been working on and then he brings the definition of “depressing” to life when he moans out “Vasoline.” He sounds about as coherent as Iggy Azalea after a root canal and he moves like a stoned zombie with a bad hip. It’s like watching a drunk grandpa do spoken word. If you don’t want anymore wrinkles on your face, because that cuntastic How-Old Microsoft APP said you looked about as old as a Lohan, then you better hold your face up while watching. Because you will cringe.
Scott Weiland has a long history with riding shot gun on the Bad Shit Express. But Scott’s rep tells TMZ that he wasn’t high as all fuck during that performance. Scott’s rep admitted that his performance was a mess and blamed it on him being tired and having a couple of drinks beforehand. Scott’s earpiece also went out at one point. So tired + a couple of drinks + no earpiece = that.
Well, on a positive note, that purple velvet blazer sure is pretty. So there’s that.