“My precious…. My precious… Wait, can I smoke these?”
Miracles happen every day (one example: I didn’t immediately run into oncoming traffic when I discovered I was fresh out of the good shit this morning) and today a miracle happened when the first preview for Speed-The-Plow in London started and Lindsay Lohan actually showed up on time and didn’t quit 10 minutes into it. Progress! People on Twitter were split about this shit. Some say that the first preview was a flaming train wreck and others say it was just “meh.” The Daily Mail and The Daily Beast say that LiLo and her cast mate Richard Schiff didn’t know their lines, the audience laughed at her during her big speech, the acting was high school levels of amateur and a messy bitch in the balcony (read: probably White Oprah) dropped champagne on another audience member’s head. That last part was probably the most exciting and theatrical thing that happened all night.
People on Twitter say that when LiLo wasn’t reading her lines out of a prop book she was holding, an assistant offstage fed them to her. LiLo stuttered through David Mamet’s words and when Richard Schiff’s character said to her, “You have done a fantastic job,” the audience laughed at the irony of it all. They laughed at LiLo’s ass again when her character said, “I know what it is to be bad. I’ve been bad.” But a source (Hi, White Oprah!) tells The Daily Mail that she was a pleasant surprise, looked “amazing” and it was only the first preview so she has time before opening night to get her shit together.
“She was just fine, she did forget her lines a couple of times but covered it up like a pro. She was a pleasant surprise for sure. Lindsay’s character was quite interesting and she immersed herself in the role, she was very strong in the second scene which was her biggest one. She looked amazing… I was in awe of her. It was no means a perfect performance and she’s certainly no Judi Dench, but she wasn’t awful. There is a line where she says ‘I know what it is to be bad, I’ve been bad” and the audience all cracked up laughing but she got great applause in the curtain call and someone passed her flowers from audience.”
So LiLo screwed up a few lines. Big deal! We all know she’s a pro at doing lines. It was probably a one-off. Besides, LiLo didn’t have time to memorize dumb lines for her job. She busy doing more important things like partying in Italy and France! But you know, I’d consider tonight a triumph. First of all, bitch didn’t hold up the curtain for 9 hours because her alarm went off at 6:30pm and she hit the snooze button 400 times. Second of all, LiLo didn’t suddenly come down with “walking pneumonia” 15 minutes in and leave to go to the hospital (the club). Third of all, she didn’t show up late to one of her cues because she was stealing coats out of the coat check room. What more do those people want?!
Allison Williams and I share more than a first name; we also share the same “da fuq??” face when looking at the first picture of Christopher Walken as Captain Hook for NBCs upcoming Peter Pan Live! Although mine is more of a “da fuq kind of low-budget Party City pirate shit is this?” and hers is more of a “da fuq have I gotten myself into?”
We already know what Allison Williams will look like as Peter Pan (aka the broken condom baby of a snobby pre-law Yale student named Skip Chipperton and Tank Girl), but today NBC released the first picture of Christopher Walken dressed in discount Dustin Hoffman drag , and it’s every bit as beautiful and messy as I hoped it would be. Christopher Walken can do no wrong in my eyes, so even if he showed up in a shitty plastic hook hand and a t-shirt that says THIS IS MY CAPTAIN HOOK COSTUME, I’d still be on board. Even if that hook looks a lot like a hotel room coat hanger.
Looking at Christopher Walken as Hook is like an I Spy game; there’s so many parts of his face that are fighting my eyes for attention. That eyeshadow! That beauty mark! Those eyebrows! Those hacked-up cheekbones! THAT MOUSTACHE! He looks like Ming the Merciless burped on Jackie Stallone. I LOVE IT!
The only thing I can’t get behind are those tragic burgundy corduroy leggings. Who’s the costume designer, Shia LaBeouf?
Seen above bringing the glamour by shoving six Bump-Its in her hair before posing with Willow and Bristol, Sarah Palin did something she never does, keep her lips shut, when the story about her family’s Jerry Springer-approved messy brawl at a snowmobile party in Anchorage came out. Over a week ago, bloggers in Alaska reported that the Palins were involved in a 20-person drunken brawl that ended with Bristol Palin repeatedly punching the owner the house and Sarah Palin screaming, “Do you know who I am?!” The Anchorage PD confirmed that the trashy brawl went down and said that the Palins were there, but didn’t say anything else. A few days ago, the pride of Alaska (Correction: The FORMER pride of Alaska. The new, real pride of Alaska is Charlo Greene.) FINALLY broke her silence and wrote a Facebook post where she slobbered out a stream of pride for Bristol Palin and waved a shank at the liberal media for trying to bring down her family. Take it away, Mama Grizzly!
I love my Bristol! My straight-shooter is one of the strongest young women you’ll ever meet. I have to say this as a proud mama: right up there with their work ethic and heart for those less fortunate, my kids’ defense of family makes my heart soar! As you can imagine, they and my extended family have experienced so many things (liberal media-driven) that may have crushed others without a strong foundation of faith, and I’m thankful for our friends’ prayer shield that surrounds them, allowing faith to remain their anchor. Thank you, prayer warriors! I love you!
See this from Bristol:
- Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin defending Bristol Palin’s messy ass tells me that during that brawl, Sarah held down that house owner and screamed, “Whoop that trick, honey! Whoop ‘em,” while her pride and joy punched him in the face several times. Now that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is in danger of ending (no, it isn’t), TLC should beg the Palin family to star in another reality shit show for them, because us Americans need our weekly dose of pure hillbilly class.
Lamar Sally, the shameless gold-digging grifter who’s currently trying to scam child support money out of Sherri Shepherd for a surrogate baby he helped make solely for the purpose of trying to scam child support money, gave an EXCLUSIVE interview to People (aka People found him loitering in the parking lot and felt sorry for him) regarding said baby and his relationship with the baby’s mother. No, not his surrogate mother, his REAL MOTHER – the one who wants nothing to do with him!
Lamar told People that ever since lil’ Lamar Sally Jr. (I guess Son of Useless Shitbag was already taken?) was born via-surrogate on August 5th, his estranged wife hasn’t made an attempt to meet her son. You know, the son she believes was conceived as an excuse for Lamar to take an 18-year-long all-expenses-paid life vacation. Even though Lamar Jr. wasn’t made using Sherri’s eggs and Sherri has shown zero interest in him, Lamar Sr. claims he’s fighting to add Sherri’s name to the baby’s birth certificate because he truly believes Lamar Jr. needs to know who his mommy is:
During one of the last shows of her and Jay-Z’s Stunt Queen Spectacular World Tour in Paris, Beyonce dropped her mic and kind of sort of forgot to keep lip-synching. If this was a lip-synch for your life, bitch would’ve committed lip-synch suicide. I’m sure the BumbleBeys will scream and say that she’s singing with a backing track and it’s impossible for her to sing all out, because the ears of us mere mortals cannot take her all-powerful nightingale angel voice. But I know what’s really going on here. Not only is Beyonce a master performer, a master singer, a master actress (HA), a master mother, a master wig wearer, a master credit taker, a master copy + paster, a master stunt artiste and a master (insert everything I missed here which is a million miles long since she’s a master at everything), but she’s also a master ventriloquist. Beyonce can sing out in her full singing voice without moving her lips. She does this so she can bless her BumbleBeys in the front row with her holy smile. Beyonce is THAT talented. I bet Miss Ohio is her coach.
I had to put the video behind the cut, because it embeds all wonky on the main page. Blame the Illuminati.
Sad news for those of you who were looking forward to another four beautiful years of watching the human crack rock in Dollarama Chris Farley drag stumble around like a giant vodka-chugging drug-smoking baby. The Globe and Mail says that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has withdrawn from the mayoral race. The grown-up garbage pail kid is currently laid-up in the hospital with an abdominal tumor (aka a 10lb crack rock that got stuck on a piece of ham in his lower intestine) but he released a statement saying that he’s no longer pursuing re-election, however he’ll still be running for a seat in city council. He also said he’s giving his place in the mayoral race to his brother Doug Ford, a dude who looks like the definition of a shady tip-stealing strip club owner.
This all comes literally 3 days after convicted rapist and visual representation of bad decisions, Mike Tyson, publicly endorsed Rob Ford in his run for re-election. You know, before he lost his shit on live TV and called a reporter a ‘rat piece of shit’. “Ooh, that’s a good one! I’ll have to remember that for the next time I go on a crackie rant!” – Rob Ford.
So there you have it; the little drug-fueled engine that could barely is pulling into the station for good. I feel like now is a good time for someone to make an ‘In Memoriam’ video featuring a slow-motion montage of the human ball of sweat’s greatest moments as mayor set to the song “Gold in Them Hills“. Rob Ford running into a news camera. Rob Ford running into a fire hydrant. Rob Ford running through city hall and knocking over an elderly council member. Rob Ford trying to run on a football field and falling on his ass. There’s just so much footage to pick from. He’s like a one-man America’s Funniest Home Video segment.
And is it just me, or does it look like Mayor McCheese has lost a little bit of weight? Maybe someone’s cut off his food supply at home.
That headline alone should make you want to drive yourself to the ER to be treated for an overdose of class.
Several Alaskan blogs claim that the First Family of Alaskan Messiness were the stars of a drunken 20-person Saturday night brawl which ended with a shirtless Track Palin flipping people off in the street while Todd Palin held his bloody nose. Since you can see Alaska from Russia, I pray one of those Russian dash cams recorded this glorious display of pure Palin classiness.
Amanda Coyne (via Mediate) says that it all started when the Palins showed up in a stretch Hummer to an Iron Dog snowmobile party at a house in Anchorage. As soon as Track Palin got out of the Hummer, he spotted an ex-boyfriend of Willow Palin and he turned on the crazy all the way. Apparently, Track doesn’t like the dude and the two verbally fought for a bit. Their argument led to the owner of the house, 2010 Iron Dog winner Chris Olds, getting involved and that’s when shit really got real Wasilla-style.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one (no really, stop me – I CAN’T with this felonious freckled grifter anymore). Lindsay Lohan has once again turned a shady trick on the wrong person and now she’s getting sued, except this time she’s also dragging her younger brother Michael Jr. into it. Congrats on your first lawsuit, Michael Jr., you’re officially your father’s son!
Page Six says that shortly after she left rehab last year, the Apricot Ashtray and her younger brother started working with tech entrepreneur Fima Potik on a mobile app called Spotted Friend, which would allow people to poke around in Blohan’s virtual closet and see the kind of designer shit she’s virtually stolen. She even started prom0ting her new tech venture on Twitter back in July 2013, because she’s basically the coked-up version of Steve Jobs. But just like everything Lindsay gets involved in (singing, fashion design, sobriety) she lost interest and Spotted Friend became just another hazy memory (like sobriety). »
I agree, that title was misleading. It should have said “DANCE LEGEND CARLTON BANKS AND EXQUISITE FRAGGLE PRINCESS BETSEY JOHNSON as well as who cares it doesn’t matter Will Be On Dancing With The Stars”, but that felt a little long.
The cast of the 19th season (oh my god, 19 seasons, what are we doing with our lives) of ABC’s Dancing With The Stars was announced on GMA this morning by Tom Bergeron, and I hope the Emmy Awards committee was watching, because Tom gave the performance of a lifetime. Not once did he break character and ask “Who?” or “Wait, WHO???” when announcing the thirteen has-beens and never-wases picked by ABC. Seriously, give him all the Emmys next year; the man is a high-level thespian.
So who are the thirteen “stars” who have agreed to participate in this mess? No, really, who are they – I have no fucking idea. NO! That was a cheap shot; at least 4 or 5 of these people are legit celebrities (or at least celebrity-adjacent). »
I know we still technically have 4 months left, but I’m confident in my ability to recognize outstanding achievement in next-level dramatic crazy to declare Sherri Shephed the winner of 2014′s Messiest Divorce. First she makes the mistake of hooking up with an unemployed gold digger named Lamar Sally (a name which has always sounded like a regional chain of discount beauty supply stores). Then she claims Lamar built their relationship on a pile of LIES and she quits that bitch. Then she quits the surrogate carrying her and Lamar’s baby after it’s revealed that Lamar (2014′s Most Shameless Gold Digger) only wanted the surrogate baby to get that lucrative child support cash. Sherri’s split has truly been the definition of the word MESSY. The only thing missing is the appearance of Sherri’s long-lost twin sister Terri and a sinister man wearing a leather eye-patch named “Caboto St. James”, and you’d have an episode of Passions.
Obviously, Sherri wanted to sweep this messy dog dookie of a divorce under the rug before it starts smelling more than it already does, so Radar says that Sherri cut Lamar a check for $100,000, as well as the promise of $3000 a month in child support in an attempt to get him the fuck out of her life. The only problem is she clearly doesn’t understand the level of thirsty gold digging to which Lamar is working, and he turned the money down. Radar also says that Sherri and Lamar have an “ironclad prenup” that denies him from collecting spousal support, but he’s contesting it in a court of law.
Sherri shouldn’t be the least bit surprised that Lamar turned down the cash. Are you new here, Sherri??? $100,000??? You’re dealing with Lamar Sally, the man who hired a surrogate just so he could have a guaranteed check coming his way every month for 18 years; he’s not going to settle for a measly $100,000 and a couple grand every month. Duh! I’m nowhere near completing my PhD in Dirty Digging, but even I know $100,000 is an insult.
And stay tuned for the conclusion of this messy shit show, which will no doubt end with Lamar caught in the middle of a dramatic love triangle between Caboto St. James and Terri.