TMZ says that recent father (and yes, typing that without also adding “and future deadbeat dad” took every ounce of my willpower) Chris Brown is trying to convince the mother of his 9-month-old daughter Royalty to move from her home in Houston, TX to Los Angeles so he can be closer to his kid. Chris’ original fatherhood plan was to fly back and forth between L.A. and Houston, but now he’s interested in seeing her every day. Sources say he recently offered to move his baby and baby mama Nia Guzman from Texas into a house in the Hollywood Hills at his expense.
They also say he’s trying to renegotiate that messy child support arrangement they have. Ever since Chris found out he was the DNA daddy of their baby, he began dumping a ton of cash into her checking account. Then he caught wind that she might be blabbing about him to the press, so he threatened to go to court. Now he’s apparently considering going back to their original arrangement of leaving the lawyers out of it if she moves closer to him. TMZ says Nia Guzman hasn’t decided if she and Royalty will move closer to the source of their royalty checks.
I had to hold my nose for the majority of this story, because something stinks. What’s with Chris Brown’s interest in being Danny fucking Tanner all of a sudden? Or maybe I’m just being a cynical bitch and he’s actually trying to do right for once.
I guess the only way we’ll know whether or not he’s serious about being a daddy is if he starts hanging out with Justin Bieber again. Putting in some practice hours with that grown-up toddler shows real commitment.
And Now For The Time A Messy David Arquette Tried To Fight Justin Bieber During His 21st Birthday Party
On Saturday night, juvenile delinquent Pizza Party Kevin doll Justin Bieber celebrated turning 21 years old, and even though he’s a big boy now, he did have a clown at his birthday party, and Page Six says that clown was David Arquette. Shortly after Justin filmed his Comedy Central roast, he flew to Las Vegas to celebrate his birthday at the Omnia club with his nearest and douchiest, one of which was Omnia co-owner David Arquette, who got next-level messy and tried to fight him.
According to a party guest, it all went down at the afterparty in Justin’s hotel suite when a “pretty messed up” David was heard talking shit about Justin Bieber behind his back. Maybe David got confused and thought they were still at the roast? Anyway, when Justin heard that David was saying not-nice words about him, he and a friend kicked him out. Somehow that crafty cravat-wearing weasel got back in and bum-rushed the birthday boy in an attempt to take him down. There was a bit of a scuffle before David Arquette was finally thrown out for good.
There is so much about this dramatic situation that I don’t understand. Why the hell was 43-year-old David Arquette at Justin Bieber’s 21st birthday party? I know he sort of owns the club, but still – if that isn’t the definition of “I make poor life choices“, then I don’t know what is. Also, why would he follow Justin Bieber to the afterparty if he hated him so much? I’ll never understand that. One time this trick came to my birthday party and told me “You know, I didn’t even want to come” and I was like “This isn’t a hostage situation with cake, bitch, you can leave anytime you want.”
David, I know the siren song of free booze and pizza is strong, but sometimes it just isn’t worth it! Here’s David just before he went HAM on the red carpet at Justin Bieber’s birthday party:
I pretty much shrugged when Disney pooted out the live-action Alice in Wonderland, and the live-action Snow White, and the live-action Maleficent, and the live-action Cinderella, and their plans for a live-action Beauty and the Beast, but now those messes have gone way too far. Disney is planning to do a live-action Dumbo as seen through the eyes of Tim Burton. Poor elephants. They went from having the best week ever to the worst week ever.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Ehren Krueger, who wrote the words for all the Transformers movies, is already done with the script. Russell Tovey shouldn’t bother calling his agent to get an audition for the title role, because the elephants are most likely going to be CGI-created. This future shit show will be equal parts CGI, live-action and full blown foolery. This has all the makings of a gigantic mess.
I expect two things from the live-action Dumbo:
1. Johnny Depp will probably play as many roles as possible and I won’t even blink an eye if he plays one of those jive-talking crows, because Hollywood don’t care.
2. Iggy Azalea will probably remake “Baby Mine” and change the title to “Bae Mine.”
Meanwhile, Helena Bonham Carter’s lungs nearly collapsed from breathing out the biggest sigh of relief. If she was still with Tim Burton, he would’ve made her play Mrs. Jumbo.
According to TMZ, shit between talking bareback nut-busting cold sore Chris Brown and his surprise baby mama Nia Guzman isn’t as good as it seems. Apparently Chris found out about his 9-month-old daughter Royalty last month and quickly offered Nia more money than she would have received in child support court in exchange for the promise that she keep her mouth shut about the whole situation. Basically, Chris Brown didn’t want anyone to find out he was a father. “Trust me, I didn’t want anyone to find out Chris Brown was my father either” thought Baby Royalty.
Unfortunately, someone with loose lips started blabbing to the press, and now we all know about it. Chris believes the culprit leaking stories is Nia herself, and he’s pissed. A source (Hi Nia!) says Chris has met with his lawyers to discuss going to a judge and asking for a child support order, which is bad news for Nia, because a child support order means she’ll get significantly less than what he’s paying her now.
To make matters messier, TMZ says Nia’s ex-husband Terry Avery has decided to get involved. Terry, who was married to Nia from 2003 to 2014 and was separated from her when she got knocked-up with Chris Brown’s rage sperm, says he’s aware that Chris Brown has a temper and that if he pulls any shit with Nia or Royalty, or “there will be repercussions”.
Then Royalty came forward and asked if someone would be so kind as to buy her a one-way plane ticket to Canada, so she could get away from this mess and make sure it didn’t follow her.
Every police officer in Georgia investigating Bobbi Kristina Brown’s unconscious bathtub situation just pulled a Bianca Del Rio-style “You shady bitch” face. TMZ says that Nick Gordon, Bobbi Kristina’s former sort-of brother/pretend husband/current shady boyfriend has checked himself into rehab. And no, not for his addiction to tacky, tasteless tattoos.
It all started earlier this week during a taping of Dr. Phil with Dr. Phil in Atlanta. Nick thought it was just a regular interview, which led him to dramatically admitting that he’s talked about committing suicide if Bobbi Kristina doesn’t come out of the coma she’s been in for the past 35 days. As it turns out, the “interview” was actually more of an intervention staged by Dr. Phil and Nick’s mother. Nick’s episode of Dr. Phil doesn’t air until next Wednesday, but we don’t need to wait that long to know that he agrees to get help and shuffles off to rehab. TMZ says he’s getting treatment for drugs.
Bobbi Kristina’s current situation is already the definition of sad, and I honestly didn’t think it could get any worse when it was announced that her bottle-fighting family was filming a reality show, but taking your tears to Dr. Phil? That just added 8 new layers of stink to this mess. And I hope the second Nick Gordon arrived at rehab, they ushered him into a special wing designated for seriously poor decision makers.
Courtenay Semel’s impact lives on!
In 2008, Courtenay Semel, the daughter of some Yahoo! exec and Tila Tequila’s one-time scissor sister, mouth queefed up the phrase of the year when she shouted, “Google me, you dumb fuck,” at a bouncer she got into a fight with at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Well, it’s been 7 years later and entitled spoiled assholes are still using her beautiful words of poetry.
Page Six says that 19-year-old Kyra Kennedy, the daughter of Robert Kennedy Jr., went full bitch outside of club Lava at the Turning Stone Resort Casino in Verona, New York on Thursday night when the bouncer refused to let her ass in. Some witness says that Kyra was already ten layers of drunk when she showed up. The club is 21 and over, so Kyra came prepared. She brought her sister Kathleen “Kick” Kennedy’s passport with her and tried to pass it off as her own. The bouncer wasn’t buying it and that’s when the laughs and fuckery ensued.
The next time you’re at a family reunion and you’re watching your uncles drunkenly fight on the patio after one of them said that the other one’s wife has lonjas for days, try to ignore the sound of your auntie hysterically screaming while trying to break up the fight with her shoe and think to yourself, “Well, at least they’re not AS trashy as Bobby Brown’s family.”
When Bobby Brown’s family got into that big, messy fight at his birthday party, they probably realized that the next time they fight, it should be in front of cameras, because they might as well get paid for their trashiness. That IS the American way, after all. TMZ says that as Bobbi Kristina Brown remains in a coma, her family on her dad’s side is shooting their own reality show. Bobby’s two sisters, Tina and Leolah, his brother and their kids are shooting the show. Bobby’s lawyer claims that he’s not involved and won’t be in it at all. They haven’t shot inside of Bobbi Kristina Brown’s hospital room and I’m guessing it’s not because they still have a sliver of decency left. The hospital probably won’t let them. But they regularly talk about Bobbi Kristina’s condition at home while the cameras are rolling.
TMZ says that Leolah pushed herself into the news shortly after Whitney Houston’s death when she blamed Ray-J for enabling Nippy’s coke habit. Tina is the one who broke a bottle on her son’s head during that family fight and she also once admitted to smoking crack with Nippy.
This is not the sequel to Being Bobby Brown I wanted or needed. I wanted more popping doody bubble talk and no life support talk.
Page Six says that it’s not known if a network is involved at this point yet. Hmm… I wonder which network would actually pay money for this mess. The answer: ALL OF THEM (but you know it’s going to be TLC).
Seen above looking like a next-level batshit crazy version of Steve Jobs, Kanye West gave a lecture at Oxford University in London on Monday afternoon, and it was pretty much exactly what you’d imagine a lecture at a fancy English university from America’s delusional tantrum-throwing adult toddler would sound like. Picture the nonsense public bus rantings of a dude who wears a coat made from McDonald’s burger wrappers and a mangy ferret on his shoulder like a pirate’s parrot, except if that dude was rich and famous and married to Kim Kardashian.
Kanye’s lecture wasn’t recorded and no pictures were allowed, probably because technology hasn’t advanced enough to truly capture his genius or some such bullshit, but thankfully student news site The Tab Oxford managed to capture the best, most Kanye-y bits and post them on Twitter.
Why do I get the feeling that Lily Tomlin read that headline and started screaming “Don’t hold back, Katniss! Whoop that trick, word-style!”
According to TMZ, things got all Hunger Games between noted asshole/director David O. Russell and America’s Girlfriend/actress Jennifer Lawrence on the set of the movie Joy on Tuesday. A source on the set says they saw an argument start between David and Jennifer over a scene that progressed into a dramatic cuss-filled screaming match. Surprise surprise, David O. Russell was doing most of the screaming and swearing (I head the O in his name stands for “Oh f#@$% c*!$#“).
At least it sounds like they’re going to go through with it this time (silver lining?). A little over a week ago, Canadian-American princess Pamela Anderson gave her former third ex-husband and current husband Rick Salomon an early Valentine’s Day present by writing his name all over a pile of divorce papers and filing them down at the I Quit You Courthouse. And just like 99.9% of Hollywood Divorces (and 100% of Pam’s), it’s getting messy.