Just when this whole Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne breaking up ESCANDALO was dying down and the media was moving on, Kelly Osbourne has stepped onto the stage and has kept it alive by dousing it with gallons of pure liquid foolery. If this entire thing really is a shameless stunt to promote The Talk and Black Sabbath’s tour, then Sharon Osbourne should give Kelly a huge bonus, because she sicced her followers on her dad’s supposed ex-side ho and has screamed “ELDER ABUSE!”
I don’t know what’s better: That awkward picture of Charlize Theron and Sean Penn looking like they would rather be hugging a bitchy grizzly bear who hates intimacy or the reviews for his new movie The Last Face.
There’s a good reason for why it looks like Charlize Theron is awkwardly consoling Sean Penn at a funeral. She kind of is. Sean Penn directed The Last Face, which is about the head of an international aid organization (Charlize Theron) and a relief doctor (Javier Bardem) who fall in love while trying to save the people of Liberia. That movie sounds like forty five layers of NOPE. If I had to choose between watching The Last Face and a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon, I’d pre-schedule a confessional with a priest to apologize for the unholy sins I was about to commit and I’d start watching the staged antics of Pimp Mama Kris and her hos. But now I kind of want to see The Last Face after reading some of the reviews.
The Last Farce (typo and it stays) screened at Cannes, and the critics tore it apart, torched its remains and then put the flames out with their piss. They laughed and booed. It’s apparently as steamingly stinky as a reporter’s turd baking on an Arizona front lawn. Indiewire and The Wrap posted a collection of the awful reviews the movie got, but this tweet sums it up:
Is it possible Charlize Theron saw a rough cut of THE LAST FACE and *then* ended things with Sean Penn? I would.
— Guy Lodge (@GuyLodge) May 20, 2016
Sean claims he doesn’t care about the crap reviews, but that sad tomato face he made at his movie’s Cannes premiere said otherwise. And I’m telling myself that in the picture above, Charlize kicked the flame-broiled pickled sausage while he was down by whispering in his ear, “And by the way, I faked it. Every. Single. Time.”
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Kanye West shot an appearance on Ellen (it aired today), and they really should’ve temporarily changed the show’s name to KANYE! During her interview time with Kanye, Ellen DeGeneres should’ve just quietly exited stage left and chilled out in her dressing room until he was done (which would’ve been the day after never), because he took control. At one point, Kanye turned away from Ellen and addressed the audience as though he was giving a TED Talk if TED stood for Titanic-sized Egomaniacal Delusions.
Yesterday, we learned that yet another lit match had been thrown on the already out-of-control tire fire that is the election when Michael linked to a story about Wendell Pierce (aka Bunk from The Wire) getting arrested for allegedly whooping on a Bernie Sanders supporter. Well, we know more details, and if you can believe it, the situation is about six times weirder than reading the words “Bunk from The Wire getting arrested for allegedly whooping on a Bernie Sanders supporter.”
Minnie Driver Is Being Sued For Allegedly Whipping Baby Food Jars Filled With Paint At Her Neighbor’s House
I didn’t think I’d ever be writing about Minnie Driver getting into legal trouble over a paint-filled baby food jar fight with her neighbor, but here we are.
TMZ says that Minnie Driver has been sued by her neighbor Daniel Perelmutter for allegedly being a constant headache who is making it nearly impossible for him to finish construction on his house. He claims Minnie has replaced her neighborly “Hellos” with expletive-filled rants. Most people can handle the odd “go fuck yourself” from their neighbor, but not Daniel. Daniel has had a heart transplant, and he says that Minnie’s language is putting too much stress on it.
Goop squirted out a Sex Issue yesterday, and it’s really my wet dream come-to-life, because it brings together two of my favorite things: Goopisms and sex stuff!
Goop truly has a gift at making everything sound as pretentious and ridiculous as possible, including fucking. Even though she let us know that she likes to fuck, I always thought that Goopy Paltrow’s favorite way of getting off is by reading the labels at a chef-curated speciality marché that focuses on artisanal food items imported from the Continent. Goop’s Sex Issue doesn’t mention that, but it does mention ridiculous fuck toys and other kinds of ridiculousness.
If you’re dealing with a major post-Sunday hangover and trying to smile through the pain while at work, thank Johnny Depp for putting a face on that feeling.
Johnny and his longtime work husband Tim Burton’s latest CGI clusterfuck of a movie, Alice Through The Looking Glass, is coming out at the end of the month, so they’ve begun pimping it out. Expect to see many more pictures of Johnny looking like he just strolled out of the county jail at 7 in the morning after spending the night on the floor of a drunk tank because he was arrested for drunkenly exposing himself to tourists on the boardwalk in Atlantic City.
During a press conference with the cast of Alice in London yesterday, reporters asked Johnny about giving the greatest performance of his career in that apology video he was forced to make for illegally smuggling his Yorkies into Australia. While giving you “plastered uncle trying to tell a story before passing out onto his mashed potatoes at the Thanksgiving dinner table,” Johnny once again made fun of the whole dog smuggling scandal by saying that he’s sorry to England for not sneaking his Yorkies in.
Johnny is basically laughing at Australia’s melodramatic asses and making a joke of the whole thing. Johnny better watch it. In that forced apology video, he looked like he was only saying those words because officials were holding pairs of scissors to his favorite scarves and bracelets. So if Johnny keeps laughing at Australia, that petty bitch Barnaby Joyce is going to leak behind-the-scenes footage of him crying and whining to officials to not harm his precious, precious soulmates. Who will be the badass then?
And here’s more of Johnny looking as pristine and fresh as a freshly bloomed lotus petal while posing with Sacha Baron Cohen and Mia Wasikowska.
Pics: Jon Furniss/Corbis/Splash
I wouldn’t be surprised if Sinead O’Connor looked at this picture of Arsenio Hall shaking hands with Prince from The Arsenio Hall Show back in 2014 and thought: “Hmmm…I’m pretty sure I can make out a little plastic baggie of drugs.”
Shortly after Prince left this world and slinked sexily into the next, investigators started looking at whether or not Prince might have died of an overdose. That was Sinead O’Connor’s cue to jump on Facebook and accuse Prince’s “bitch” Arsenio Hall of being the reason why he may have an overdose. Sinead accused Arsenio of being Prince’s hook-up and claimed she had reported Arsenio to the authorities. She also accused him of spiking her drink at Eddie Murphy’s house a long time ago. Arsenio denied all of Sinead’s accusations, but now he’s taking it one step further by suing her for defamation.
That “Really, bitch?” side-eye and smirk is the only response I need.
The last time I wrote about the whole “Prince not having a will” situation, I said that it didn’t seem like it would get that messy. Well, to quote anybody who has ever taken advice from me, “Michael, you were wrong, bitch!” Prince didn’t have a will, so Minnesota law states that his entire fortune has to be split up between his 6 surviving siblings. They’ve been in probate hearings the past few days with the special administrator of Prince’s estate, Bremer Trust bank, and Harvey Levin must have the ability to shape-shift into a fly on the wall (or one of the siblings called his ass), because TMZ says that his sister Tyka Nelson stormed out of a meeting on Friday.
A source says that Tyka Nelson believes she should get more than 1/6th of Prince’s estate since she’s his only full sibling. Tyka’s cut may get even smaller. TMZ says that a woman named Darcell Johnston filed documents in Prince’s probate case that claim she’s got sexy purple nymph blood running through her veins. According to Darcell, she’s the long-lost secret half-sister of Prince and they have the same mother, but different a different dad. Apparently, Prince’s family didn’t know about Darcell until a few days ago.
Well, it’s nice to see that the contacts John Travolta wore to play Robert Shapiro found another gig on Kanye West’s eyeballs.
Kanye really does live inside of a fart bubble of delusion where he believe he’s a major trendsetter, because what in the hell is new about some beauty supply contacts and a bedazzled Levi’s jean jacket? (Although, THE QUEEN probably loves his goatee since it’s shaped like one of her pocketbooks.)
Nearly ever other girl in the early-90s had to go to the doctor for some pink eye shit they got from sleeping in discount colored contacts. Zillions of chicks wore some Siberian Husky contacts and also had a jean jacket that she glamour’d up with rhinestones and puffy paint from the craft store. And they all wore that shit better than Kanye did at the Met Gala tonight.
Anna Wintour probably has an assistant whose sole job is to provide an arm for her to dig her claws into when she fills with rage over a bitch fucking with her nerves. Well, that assistant probably almost lost their arm when Kanye showed up to the Met Gala in ripped jeans. And speaking of things ripping apart…
I will never be able to eat stovetop popcorn again without smelling burnt plastic, lead paint and piss, because Twitter ruined it for me by comparing Kim Kartrashian’s ass in that dress to Jiffy Pop that was left on the stove too long.