If I would’ve known that something called The Gronk’s Party Ship was happening before it happened, I still wouldn’t have packed a duffle bag full of antibiotics and jumped aboard, but I’m still glad it happened, because it has gifted my eyes with many bro jewels.
Rob Gronkowski, the hot douche meathead from the New England Patriots, hosted a 3-day booze cruise to the Bahamas this past weekend and if you know of The Gronk, it went exactly the way you’d think it went. Everybody was pretty much shit-faced the entire time, they were entertained by Flo Rida, Waka Flaka Flame and Redfoo from LMFAO, The Gronk offered a couple $10,000 to fuck in front of everyone and another couple got engaged on the ship. Nice try, second couple, but getting engaged on The Gronk cruise isn’t as nearly as romantic as fucking in front of everyone on The Gronk cruise.
If you put a magnifying glass over a Jäger shot sitting in the belly button of a Spring Breaker covered in body glitter, you’d see scenes from The Gronk’s booze cruise. It was like a bro’s heaven. There were probably more crabs on the boat than in the sea below them. Deadspin, ESPN and The Boston Globe all have a rundown of The Gronk’s booze cruise, but here’s something that happened. The Gronk served up drunken moves with Flo Rida’s back-up dancers. He looks like a methed-up Baby Huey trying to put out a fire on the ground as red ants attack his ass and dick.
But the best part of The Gronk’s party cruise is that most of the ship had no idea what was going on. 700 people were part of The Gronk’s cruise and the other 1,600 people on the ship thought they were going on a regular, boring sail to the Bahamas. They had no idea that they were about to be trapped in a floating Spring Break nightmare. The mixture of random old people mixed with Gronk fans produced this beautiful moment:
— James Reed (@jreedwrites) February 20, 2016
Grandmas getting down + bros in bucket hats with hot moves + Montell Jordan + a half-empty dance floor = me channeling Old Rose by saying, “The Gronk Party Cruise was the ship of dreams….”
Pic: Boston Globe/Getty
Why, GOD, why couldn’t I have been born with the power to shape-shift into an Australia memaw?!
Prince Hot Ginge entered Australia four weeks ago to work with the Australian Defence Force. (I wish he’d enter my land down under, which isn’t like Australia at all. It’s more like Mordor.) His four-week placement came to an end today and the people came out to say goodbye to him. Daphne Dunne (the sly memaw above) had a G-rated Extreme Cougar Wives moment with Prince Hot Ginge when she took his hand and went in for a kiss. You may be thinking that those medals she’s wearing are for being an expert wooer and charmer, but those are her husband’s military medals. I’m going to need Granny Daphne to come out of retirement for a minute to teach me her ways, because she got a hot ginger kiss out of PHG, so she’s obviously doing everything right.
Many were horny for Harry at his goodbye party in Sydney today including a 21-year-old woman, who is kind of giving me “Whitney Port mashed up with Kiki Dunst” vibes. Victoria got Prince Hot Ginge’s attention by holding up a sign that read: MARRY ME (LAST CHANCE!) PRINCE HARRY. When Prince Hot Ginge came over to her, she actually asked him to marry her while an extra ornate Burger King crown was on her head. PHG said he’d think about it before he motioned to his security to have her name added to the restraining order list right under my name.
Part of me thinks that she’s my long-lost Australian spirit sister, because her love for PHG trumps her sense of shame. We are the same like that. But the other part of me thinks that what she did is just creepy and presumptuous. I mean, she doesn’t really know him. You can’t just ask a stranger to marry you. You can’t just go from a to cardboard marriage proposals. There’s an order to things. If I was her, I’d hold up a sign that read “Prince Harry, Can I Suck Your Dick?” and then I’d slowly move up to the marriage proposal sign. Whatever happened to old-fashioned romance and courting?
Pics: AP, Splash
There goes my dream of Jennifer Lawrence going to Goopy Paltrow’s house for Christmas and bringing a conscious coupling chocolate pie with her.
Jennifer Lawrence can’t tell her grandma anything anymore, because memaw goes and spills it into the ear of a British reporter. A reporter from The Sun (via The Daily Mail) called up Jennifer Lawrence’s memaw, Carolyn Koch, and after Memaw Carol asked the reporter if they know Angela Lansbury, because she just LOVES Murder, She Wrote, they got to talking about whatever (examples: Memaw Carol’s cheddar and apple pie recipe, that gossiping biddy Bernice who lives down the street, etc…) and then one thing led to her talking about Chris Martin. Memaw Carol told The Sun that her daughter went to meet Chris Martin in L.A. and they’re planning to have him over for Christmas. Memaw Carol allegedly said this to The Sun (Note: Either Memaw Carol has been watching a lot of Downton Abbey or The Sun changed “mother” to “mum“):
“Jennifer’s mum flew to Los Angeles to meet Chris. We will have to get another chair for the dinner table at Christmas. The family is getting so big we might have to split up for gatherings.”
At that point, Jennifer’s grandpa, Colin Koch, picked up the phone because he just got their electric bill and it was CRAZY high. He was planning to call the electric company and give them a piece of his goddamn mind. Are they fixing the meters? He saw that on the news. They better lower the bill or he’s going to call 7 On Your Side. But when he got on the phone, he heard his wife talking to that British reporter and then HE spilled some stuff about Jennifer Lawrence too:
“Jennifer doesn’t like the hype. She looks like she really enjoys doing TV interviews but she’s just a great actress. She hasn’t changed one bit – she is so humble and down to earth.”
Thanks memaw and pepaw! Now everyone knows that Chris Martin is going to be with JLaw’s family on Christmas. But you know, Memaw Carol doesn’t have to worry about getting an extra chair. This is the first Christmas where Chris Martin won’t be served wet organic almonds on a bed of alfalfa sprouts. So he’s going to squat at the end of the table, open his mouth hole wide and pull at the tablecloth until all of that delicious, fatty food is in his belly.
Here’s JLaw at the screening of Serena at the BFI London Film Festival last night.
Pics: AP, Getty
The Heidi Klum you see on Project Runway and those pube-pulling annoying Jordache commercials is actually an animatronic robot with a German accent. Because on November 1st, the real Heidi Klum hooks herself up to an IV drip full of Ensure, slides into a make-up chair/toilet and spends the next 364 days getting into prosthetics and make-up for the next Halloween. For some of us, Halloween is just another holiday where we can drunkenly run the streets in nothing but a crotch patch and nipple tassels without getting arrested. But for Heidi Klum, Halloween IS life!
For her Halloween party in NYC last night, the HallowQueen memaw-fied herself, and she says that she went as an old lady, but I’m pretty sure she went as a SANS FARDS and SANS BOTOX Lindsay Lohan. Heidi nailed it as always. Heidi can HAHAHAHA at her turkey jerky neck and all the memaw spots on her face, because bitch is never going to look like this. Because in Hollywood, “aging gracefully,” involves getting your body reupholstered and replacing all the blood in your veins with fillers.
And I waited to post these, because I wanted to include the open letter that AARP will eventually write to Heidi. Because OLDFACE is not funny. Memaws and pepaws are people. They are not costumes! But I’m guessing they haven’t written that letter yet, because they’re still sleeping off their hangovers. They all spent their Halloween night doing Metamucil and vodka shots off of each other’s turkey necks.
Here’s more of Memaw Heidi and other hos at her Halloween party.
Pimp Mama Kris finally released Nana Bruce from her cold, dead demon claws and let ole’ girl have some fun on the water with his hot sons Brody and Brandon Jenner in Greece yesterday. After seeing gross picture after gross picture of those Kardashian kunts in swimsuits, I, for one, am happy to see 63-year-old Bruce Jenner airing out his chile rellenos titties. That JCPenney salon special on Bruce’s head makes him look like a cross between Ann Romano’s psycho memaw and a senior citizen Chucky doll after taking too many female hormones. That IS the look.
This is the hottest ad for Estroven I’ve ever seen.
PMK has totally motorboated those chichis before, so I would not hit it. But I would massage his hands with Jean Nate lotion while we watch his favorite Murder, She Wrote episode together.
Davey Wavey previously asked lesbians for their thoughts on peen and he asked gays their thoughts on coochie, and now he’s asking disciples of Metamucil at The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center what they think of gay sex. First of all, I need to see some IDs, because some of these seniors look young enough to be Lindsay Lohan’s kid. Second of all, the priceless jewel in the pink knit vest won this round when she said “cum cum cum” and she won it again when she said, “I know when I was young I was chasing all the little dykes around.”